Dealing with a girls Past
Hi,
Im 28 and have not had casual sex ever before but have had 2 strong relationships (1 year each) where I did have sex once.
I have met a girl and for the last 2 months we have been getting on well. She recently told me that she has never been in love... but at university she did go a bit wild and slept with 2 guys. She also was physical with a few other guys. She had a strict upbrining until she went uni.
University finished in 2000 and all that stopped when she went back home.
Im finding this university period hard to deal with as
1 - when I start to get physical I will think that she gave her body to someone casually.
2 - I'm worried that her flirty nature come into the relationship and she may flirt with other guys when she doesn't get the attention from me
Any advice on how to put this over my head so that I can continue to give into this relationship. There is a lot I like about her.. but I have always had problems dealing with someons past.
figure out what would make YOU feel better
I don't have time to spell check so I'm sorry. I'm a terrible speller.
anyway, I feel the same way and I'm not sorry. Listen saynever, I'm probably worse than you. It really bothers me too. I'm going to post again but right off I'd say...
don't hold back. If she says something and you want to know about it, ask. Keep asking. You have a right to know whatever you want to know. You need to feel good about her, yourself and each other. That's not wrong. Don't let the new modern woman, liberalism, feminism, or mtv culture bother you. It sucks. Your sweet girl doing that stuff with other men, whether it was out of love or just because she wanted to hook up with someone, it's hard and you know what? It's wrong. It's something that ideally shouldn't happen but yes I know, there is no perfection. Soooo...
back to what I was saying, don't make the mistake I have, don't let a statement go by when it draws forth that very troubling and hurtful curiousity that you are experiencing. Be articulate. Ask.
look at it this way, either ruin it all at once or ruin it over a large period. It's you. Don't hide you. You're asking them not to hide parts of themselves (their explicit past) so don't hide the fact that it bothers you and that you can't be happy till you know exactly what they did. Again. You have a right to know. If they don't want to tell you then you have to decide what to do.
lastly, I always believed if I met someone who'd just be like yeah, I $#%%^ him, or no I didn't #$%%$ him but we did this this and this, then maybe I could deal with it. At least then I wouldn't be in the dark and I'd be part of that experience and plus the fact that she would be explicitly descriptive would show me that she was not holding those experiences close to her heart in anyway.
when women won't tell me whatever I want to know it's like they are in someway holding that person from the past in an esteem of some sort. And that's not right.
it's hard knowing that there are guys walking around who know things only you should know. Who have seen things that only you should have seen. And as men we are told how stupid we are or how dare we feel that way. Don't listen to them. You make more sense than they do. Don't think otherwise just because the stupid and the brainwashed out number you. (of course women get mad when their past bothers us! But let them see you be a coward or not stand up for them when some huge guy says something rude or flat out sexually harassed them... ask them how attractive they think that you are then!)
I think the only way to deal with it is just to be honest and if she won't be, then leave. Your just going to be miserable if you don't. It will never go away.
the other option is to come in... I repeat.. is to come in... again... is to come in.. To a relationship with the mindset that that stuff doesn't matter, that she has probably experienced physical romance to some degree and that it's ruined in that respect and then just go on to enjoying her in the present. Never let on that you are jelous or that anything of that nature bothers you, ever!
in today's culture this is really the only option. There are no virtuous women... or men.
Comment on vassilio's post
Honestly, you are right in some way. The only thing is I am a woman and I do not sleep around because if I slept around then who in their right mind would respect me?