Ask Me Help Desk - How do I make him stop taking advantage

I have been with the same guy for 7 years. I know that he is not using me for sex because our sex life is not that active. I do think/know he takes advantage of my kindness and of me finanically. How do I stop this from happening. I am a nice person by nature and would do almost anything to make him happy. I'm to the point that I am sick of being taken advange of. We have had nonstop up and downs. Periods of him cheating and so on. We have recently split up and he is calling me constantly because he wants to end his life because of the confusion he's in. At the same time he can still take advantage of my niceness. What do I do to stop this?

Lillie:confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lillie24

I have been with the same guy for 7 years. I know that he is not using me for sex because our sex life is not that active. I do think/know he takes advantage of my kindness and of me finanically. How do I stop this from happening. I am a nice person by nature and would do almost anything to make him happy. I'm to the point that I am sick of being taken advange of. We have had nonstop up and downs. Periods of him cheating and so on. We have recently split up and he is calling me constantly because he wants to end his life because of the confusion hes in. At the same time he can still take advantage of my niceness. What do I do to stop this?

Lillie:confused:

The real questions are the ones you need to ask yourself. Does he make you happy? Is what he does that makes you happy irreplaceable? It sounds to me like you're just going through the motions at this point, and that the idea of leaving him is scarier than his worst. I don't have a whole lot to go on, so more information would be nice. How does he take advantage of you financially?

I can give as much information as possible, without making this a huge post. Responsibility wise my boyfriend relies on me to do most of the cleaning, paying the bills with our money, The extra money I have he can play mind games for me to spend on the stuff he wants. For example he just cheated on me and I bought him a playstation 3. Cheated is a strong word but he was attracted to another girl and they spoke about being together to me that is cheating because there was talking done. I feel stupid. I also don't understand his lack of passion when it comes to having sex. We haven't had sex for almost a year. For one reason or another, we are not living together and time never presented itself. The other ways he uses me is by just letting things go for me to take care of. He has his own apartment now that is in my name but if he doesn't clean I can not stand it and I will clean it for him or at least help him with it. He just cheated on me and he didn't want anyone else cutting his hair so what did I do? I went and cut it. He just takes advantage of how nice I am. I don't understand it. I have never had a problem with dating people that wanted to sleep with me but he is and has always been different. He's a guy that can go 3 or 4 months without really WANTing sex. I don't know. I am struggling to find the answers to all my questions.

Thanks for any help you can give, :o

Lillie,

I don't want to sound mean when I say this, but I don't think this is a matter of him taking advantage of you, but rather you letting him take advantage of YOU. You say your th one who cleans for him, pays his bills, cuts his hair, forgive him of cheating... these are choices that you have made.

It sounds as if this relationship should have been over a while ago. Not only because of the lack of sex, but that he is talking to other women about being with them. And he is talking about wanting to kill himself? He needs some serious professional help. You are not responsible for trying to save him, or change him or put up with him because he makes you feel guilt if you don't.

He is wrong to put that kind of responsibility onto you. He sounds rather immature to not clean up after himself, trying to talk to other girls, an on top to use the threat of killing himself to keep you around... I personally would not stand for it.

Of course you should take it seriously when he makes these comments about wanting to kill himself, if he is as unstable as you paint him to be, then he is capable of doing something irrational.

You should talk to him about getting some professional help. He is obviously dragging you down with his dependency. It is up to you to stop letting him take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself and if you want the relationship to work then you need to communicate better with him...

I am certain you will hear some more excellent advice here, I wish you the best.

You can't make HIM stop doing anything, but you can change the way YOU respond.

Thank you guys for the advice. I have communicated with him I am the open book he however is not that open. I guess I just need to make the decision and leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lillie24

Thank you guys for the advice. I have communicated with him I am the open book he however is not that open. I guess I just need to make the decision and leave.

I agree 100% Lillie because you sure don't sound happy to me and you can do better than letting a loser step all over you.

Lillie... listen to me carefully

He is using you! Talking of killing himself is his way of controlling you to make you feel guilty. Don't stand for it. Why on earth are you with this man? If he can't pay the rent to his flat (under your name) then get rid of it! Give him an ultimatum to get paid up or get out. He is certainly taking advantage of your kindness and is laughing to himself that you're so gullible. Get rid of him! He'll only bring you down and destroy any confidence and self esteem you have left. He is NOT for you! I'm serious here, get out of this relationship, cut your ties with him and have no more to do with him. Change your phone number, block him from your emails and get on with your life. The guy is a user, plain and simple!

Eve