Resolving relationship issues: validation or solution?
All threads merged for the full story
At times I feel like I can't discuss my feelings with my boyfriend because he doesn't respect my feelings. I'll admit, I don't let go of things easily, and I can understand that having to listen to me expressing my feelings again and again annoys him. I do it because I want emotional validation from him.
For instance, if something happens and my feelings are hurt, and I explain that I am hurt, I want him to say that he's sorry and mean it, rather than defend himself. When he rushes to defend himself, I question the validity of my own feelings. I console myself with the thought that he didn't mean to hurt me. But after a while I realize I still feel hurt, and that whether he meant to hurt me or not doesn't change the fact that whatever he said or did was hurtful.
Of course, I only ever realize these things in retrospect, when I am calm. I find it difficult to put my feelings into words when I'm feeling hurt. However, revisiting old issues is annoying to him, and I can understand why.
For him, resolving an issue means finding a solution that prevents a recurrence of the issue. There is no sense of mutual understanding, and the solution seems ingenuine; it feels as though the solution is made quickly to avoid trouble. Whether he really believes that there is a valid reason for concern, or whether he is just trying to quickly pacify me, is uncertain.
While I appreciate his solution-making, I find it important to having my feelings accepted by him as well. If he empathized, I would feel understood and accepted, and the solution would seem to be genuine. I would know that he is making a solution because he understands the nature of the problem, not just because I say there is a problem.
Which is more important to resolving an issue, acceptance or solutions? Am I being too demanding if I ask for empathy? And should I be satisfied that he is offering a solution whether he accepts my feelings or not? I understand that we will not always see eye-to-eye on every issue, and that compromise is necessary in relationships. However, I feel that a small amount of empathy from him will help me to really put issues behind me, and prevent lingering, unresolved feelings.
Am I really being taken for granted? Is this my own doing?
Threads merged
Some time ago, my boyfriend, myself, and another friend fell temporarily out of favor with two mutual friends over a prank that involved my boyfriend and the other friend pretending to be quarrelling. Much to my surprise, my boyfriend became overwhelmed with guilt, to the point of groveling and begging our two mutual friends for forgiveness. He told me that he was saying a bunch of heartfelt stuff to them, and that for the first time he was being completely genuine, and that he was afraid to lose them, and that he was bewildered by the fact that he had a heart all of a sudden.
I became a little distant, and I guess he figured I thought he was being melodramatic, because he started to diminish what he had been saying before, saying he wasn't the type to grovel. I said that that was only true for me, because he seemed to have no problem apologizing and begging for their forgiveness. I admitted to him that I felt jealous. I know, that's probably the lamest reaction. But from where I see it, during our history of dating, he's done things -not just pranks, but things that were really very hurtful to me- and has never, ever had such an emotional upheaval as he did when they got annoyed at him.
So I ask myself why that is the case... why there's this disparity between his reaction to their anger and all his reactions to mine. There are several possibilities in my mind, and they're not really objective, but hell:
1 - I have a good sense of humor about pranks more often than not, so to him, it doesn't matter that he does the same to me and feels no real remorse. But even in non-prank situations, I find he does not take my anger as seriously as he regarded theirs. I've been angry with him for more serious things than a prank, so I don't think he considers the cause more significant in their case than in mine. Maybe my anger is just less significant than theirs to him?
2 - As far as I know, he's never felt so bad about anything he's ever done to upset me. And it may be just that I don't know. Maybe, despite the fact that I think otherwise, he actually has been guilt-stricken by things he's done, and just hasn't made it known to me.
3 - Conversely, it may also be that I'm not making my anger properly known to him. But then, there are times when I do express anger, and his reaction is usually confusion/anger (ie. What is your problem?) or to diminish it (But I didn't mean it, you know I didn't mean it, I didn't do anything, etcetera)
4 - He may be taking my feelings for granted. Like I said, I'm not so good at expressing anger, and most times I get over anger quite easily on my own, so he'll just wait for it to blow over. In fact, maybe he's just so comfortable with waiting for me to get over it that he doesn't feel the need to put a lot of effort into repairing the damage.
5 - Maybe I'm just jealous because the mutual friends are girls, acquaintances who have developed into our good friends within the past couple months. I've been friends with him for years before we even started dating, and he's never been inclined to be so apologetic for anything he's done to vex me.
6 - When I told him I felt jealous, he told me that he always does emotional-type things for me. My translation of this is, instead of being jealous that he's never that apologetic with me, I should appreciate that he does, in fact, apologize. I don't think he really gets it, but maybe being unappreciative is what's making me focus on the negatives.
All in all though, I'm very disappointed that he doesn't really make as much effort to make things right when I'm angry, whether it's a prank or something more serious, relying on my good sense of humor and my tendency to not stay mad at him for too long instead of making an effort to be apologetic.
I need objective opinions on the matter, please.
Flirting third party : What would you do? What would you want your partner to do?
You're out with your partner, and a mutual friend seems intent on trying to get your attention. You're sure that they're attracted to you, and you, being attracted to them but committed to your partner, do nothing while they throw themselves at you. You can't help but check them out, and they catch you looking. It's so obvious to you that they're flirting that you wonder if your significant other notices.
What would you do? And what would you want your partner to do, if they were in the situation?
a) Respond to the advances of the flirter. Flirting isn't really cheating, as long as you don't act on it.
b) Check the flirter out, do but nothing more... no harm in looking right? As long as you're not touching.
c) Discourage the flirtation, for instance by paying more attention to the partner. Avoids mixed signals.
d) Other (please explain further)