PLEASE HELP! I have been tearing myself apart for the past few day about this one. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and we plan on getting married. His is The One. =]
However, my best friend and I have been BFF's for over 8 years. One night, while visiting him at college, we had sex. It was make up sex because we had recently been fighting. We had been fighting about how my boyfriend and I were extremely serious and he was jealous that he would never be able to get with me.
I am not going to lie, I have always wondered what it would be like to have sex with him.
So we did it, and my boyfriend is MUCH better in bed.
I'm glad that we did it, so I no know what its like to be with him, however I tell my boyfriend EVERYTHING. So I feel as if I should tell him about what happened but I'm afraid he well get mad and break up with me. If he doesn't break up with me, than he will forbid me from seeing my best friend; which both are completely understandable.
If I don't tell my boyfriend, then I still need to tell someone just to get it out and feel better. So I would tell my closest girl friend. I think she would be able to keep it a secret from my boyfriend.

I just don't know what to do next AND I feel absolutely terrible!

I hope he gets mad and breaks up with you! You feel no remorse at all, you claim you did then say you're glad you did it. You made a mistake, come clean and accept whatever punishment that comes. And if he does stay with you, you should cut off contact with that guy out of respect.

Personally, I would be gone. This doesn't sound like love at all, and to say he is the one but you want to sleep with other ones isn't convincing that a workable marriage is in the future.

I would tell him before he finds out from someone else. He would be even madder if her heard it from anyone else. You shouldn't have cheated and you wouldn't be in this prediciment.

I jsu twanna say that love, is strong, but not everyone who believes they are in love, actually are. You are a woman, and the defining point in someone's life that makes them grown is how they act with responsibility, I have to admit it doesn't sound like love, But everybody is different. I say you should tell him. Think about it in reverse, wouldn't you like to know about this kind of thing. Please for the respect of love, tell him, and really consider his position. You know he will be mad and he may say not to hang out with this man again, but he will be hurt when you tell him. If you manage to pull through it, you have to prove to him that you are trustworthy. As well think about how it makes you look. And remember "The One" doesn't have to be there if he is disrespected. Please tread lightly around this subject. But as a human being with feelings, he deserves to know. I wish you all the best, and I hope you realise your mistake. Don't be happy about what you did, its demeaning to yourself. We are women, strong and powerful, try not to give in to things that you will regret. Best of luck.

Take yourself away from all temptations!!

I have a boyfriend.. and I have a really close guy friend, and honestly I am sexually attracted to him and wonder what he's like.. but I'm not willing to jepordize what I have with my boyfriend just for an experience.. and I know not to put myself in situations where it's harder to resist my best guy friend

Check your motives here. Would you be telling him just so you feel better, or are you doing this so that (if he decides to stay) you can fix the problems and move forward..

I don't judge - we are all human and will make our mistakes on the way.

What I would NOT do, is tell a 'friend' - as this can backfire real bad if she ever gets mad at you.

I also don't know how old or mature you and your boyfriend are and how he would take your confession - that is something that you will have to find out though. Depending on how close you are and how much you both have already invested in this relationship and how serious your plans for the future - you need to find the right time to tell him and hope that he understands.

It's your choice, but if this is something that was on your mind for so long, you were bound to do it and find out sooner or later. And depending on what your plans are for the future - you will eventually have to give one of them up. That's life.

So do what your gut tells you to do or you'll never have peace and harmony with either one of them. You will never be able to completely keep this to yourself, so you have a choice to make, the sooner, the better.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

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SSE08, if you come clean and work this out, prepare to not be trusted for a very long time. It's guys like this and girls like you who act on these impulses that make men insecure and constantly badger you about hanging out with guy friends or wrongly accuse you of cheating and are always suspicious. I do not believe that a lot of men are insecure and non-trusting to begin with, but things like THIS are what cause them to become this way.

Sad that the sex was not beyond perfect, then you would be leaving the current boyfriend for him I guess.

First you don't have make up sex with a friend,

Yeah, it was sad that it wasn't perfect. If they do get back together, now I bet he will get dumped for being too "jealous and insecure" because he is going to be worried about the future now.

Depending on age, and maturity, one should never commit exclusively to a relationship if we are not sure of ourselves. That leads to problems.

It's better to not make promises that we are not yet ready to keep, but we should be truthful to our current relationships out of respect so that they can also plan their next move - no matter what they choose, it's their right too.

So, yes, we go through urges, guilt trips, and hope that we can regain that trust.. it's all in honest communication and hope things work out. If not, then it's time to move on and not hurt anyone more than we already have.

I hope this makes sense. If we cannot be respectful and honest now, we won't be later either. These lessons are learned throughout life.

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Consider the following: your best friend doesn't like the guy because he's controlling and jealous of him. Now he's got this ammunition should your boyfriend do something he doesn't like to be well whatever I f***ed your girlfriend last month. What you going to do about that?

If I was your boyfriend in this situation, with no remoarse or second thought, I'd dump you. What you did was pretty selfish, and if he has any sense at all, he would dump you. If you want to experiment you shouldn't be in a relationship.

As for your best friend, he's certainly a "real good best friend" *sarcasm*. He knows your in a relationship that you want to go forward with, or so you say, and yet he still engaged in the act with you. If I was your boyfriend and I found out about this, I'd show up at his college, and give him a nice shiner for his troubles.

Like I've said once, and will say again. RARELY does any guy want to be JUST FRIENDS with an attractive girl. He will stick it out forever in the hopes that he can come in at the right time to either a. have sex with her, or b. try and steal her from her boyfriend and get with her.

Take note that this isn't true for EVERY guy, but MOST. That's why girls need to wake up and quit being naïve that guys "think of me like a sister". Oh he thinks of you as a sister all right, a sister he'd like to take out to dinner and a movie, and romance later on that night..

I would like to know how do you have make up sex with your friend? I thought that was something you had with your partner. I guess I owe a lot of my male friends make-up sex.

It's doesn't sound like your ready to get married. I could see, but still not agree, if you cheated on your boyfriend for others reasons but this thought of having sex with your friend was always there and calling it make-up sex is an excuse and an insult to your boyfriend.

Come clean and let him decide if would stay or not. For the future, control your actions because you wouldn't like it if it was done to you.

You're a shallow cow

You try your best friend out and he isn't good enough so you go to your boyfriend? You are everything I hate in a personality

Seflish, Cheater, lier.

I have no pitty for you.
Enjoy the mess you got yourself into

If he was the one you would never have done this grow up little girl.

I hope he dumps you.

Damn this is harsh. We probably would have been nicer but you just seemed kind of laid back and cool about all this..

That's why I was harsh, she doesn't sound remorseful at all! It's like a big joke to her, oh I had make up sex with my friend and he wasn't any good so I'll go back to my boyfriend! Yay!

Here's a question for the OP, what if your boyfriend was doing this? He gets in a fight with one of his female friends so he feels as thought he needs to sleep with her to make up with their friendship.

I think it's been said, but I agree, this is why guys are so insecure about their girls being friends with guys. We aren't all like that to begin with, we see the signs that naïve girls miss. I won't tell my fiancée who she can and can't talk to but I don't trust one of her guys friends as far as I can throw them. It may be wrong but I've been on both sides, you play your position until that clean up role comes up

Make up sex with a friend??

That's out there Jerry!!

Yeah. Don't be to surprised if he dumps you, that really breaks trust. You should tell him before he finds out. You're not ready to be in a serious relationship if you're having make up sex with you're friends, that is ridiculous.

Here's a flip side. Since we all know that you're a just a WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE bit selfish, and that you did this because you felt remorse for cutting your "BEST FRIEND" out. If you want to save your @$$, break up with him, you'll crush the f***in guy, but it saves you face AND you don't have to tell him about it either! It's sneaky its coniving but that seems to be your style. Either way its going to be ended, just now the ball is in your court as to how you choose to handle it.

Option A) Tell him the truth beg for forgiveness and for some dumbass reason he cries with you saying he loves you yada yada yada and three months down the road he'll be like I'm an idiot see you!
B) You tell him the truth, you beg for forgiveness, and he dumps your cheating .
C) You break up with him. You crush him, break his heart, and ruin him in every emotional way possible. You walk away hurting but at least it benefits you right?
And finally and most unlikely D) SOMEHOW SOMEWAY you manage to suck up so god damn badly that he is as stupid as we all hope isn't and keeps you around until you do it again or he cheats on you and says you're square. Either way. Your choice.

Sometimes I wonder if these are troll posts, because the OP never replied.

I think that SSE08 got the message... dont you think??

Amazing how we feel guilty after the deed, but not before.

No matter what you do, somehow it will come back on you, so I advise you be prepared to pay the consequences of your actions, whatever that may be.

Ha, well I guess you two aren't getting married!

Your relationship is actually the least of your problems right now because it's certain the relationship will end (sad-face). But, and this is the kicker, you've likely destroyed your relationship with your "bestfriend", too. It's obvious he had feelings for you, but instead of acknowledging and talking about them, you used him for sex.

Someday, with hope, you'll find someone dumb enough to fall in love with you. Good luck!

I also don't think that the 'best friend' will come around unless he just wants more sex, as most guys don't respect girls that cheat in a relationship.

So, you've got your advice - and a lot of it here - now it's your turn to take a second look at what you really value in a friendship and/or relationship.

It takes some of us humans longer than others to mature and I hope you get it right this time and use a little self-respect and thought for other's feelings.

We know you feel terrible, but we don't really know the motives... only you do - the first step is to be truthful to yourself, then respect others in the future.

The only ones we can change is ourselves.

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I will NEVER have sex with the best friend again. EVER. (I don't want to sound too graphic either but) we didn't really have full out sex. I stopped him after a few in outs.

So that isn't an option for me to do. I am considering dropping the friendship between the guy and me because frankly; he's an . He has always been trying to get with me and he always asks me on dates and such. And I'm NOT into him that way. After reading most of these posts, I realize how he just wants to be with me more. I can't believe I've been tolerating that for this long.
So I'm cutting that friendship. Ps. visiting him at college means--> drinking. =/

with the boyfriend-- He loves me. I know that. I DO FEEL SELFISH but I'm not a selfish person. I want to tell him what happened, I WILL tell him what happened. To be completely honest, I don't think he would break up with me. He WOULD NOT trust me though; for a long time. Im just so ashamed; as I should be.

you never had full sex. Just a few in and outs?

My god women. I can't say anything... honestly I can not think of a healthy reply to that post seriously.

I will say this. I really Really do feel sorry for your Friend and your X boyfriend
and I hope they do better without you in there lives

Deciding not to drink and fool around with casual college friends is a wise and mature decision - proud of you.

As I said before, we are all human, and have made our mistakes in life. Learning from them and going in a better direction is also commendable - not all manage to get out of their past mess.

Now what your boyfriend does when he learns you were weak but that you no longer enjoy those drinking parties and casual flirts, is something you will have to live with and yes, you'll have to work hard to regain his trust. I sincerely hope that it works out for you.

But if it does not - please don't take a step backward and go back to the parties - keep on going forward and you'll eventually regain peace and harmony in your life. I really wish that for you. Just take whatever happens as a lesson learned and go on with your life as best as you can. We will be here to help.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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Originally Posted by SSE08

So that isnt an option for me to do. I am considering dropping the friendship between the guy and me becuase frankly; hes an . He has always been trying to get with me and he always asks me on dates and such. And im NOT into him that way. After reading most of these posts, i realize how he just wants to be with me more. I can't believe ive been tolerating that for this long.
So im cutting that friendship. ps. visiting him at college means--> drinking. =/

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If this friend was showing all this interst in you and knew you was involved with someone, you should have limited yourself around him and put an end to his behavior and if he couldn't stop then end the friendship. I think you love the attention from him and slept with him because you wanted to see what it was like, your words. He didn't force you to have sex with him and you could have said no but you wanted too.

Regardless of the number of times he entered you, your still had sex. Just come clean with your boyfriend.

That's not cool doing that to your boyfriend.
If he's the one, that means you love him dearly and greatly, why would you do that?

Though we are humans, and we have our temptations, and sometimes they can get the best of us.

Well, tell him, and accept what he chooses to do!

Firstly were you thinking. If your boyfriend is so called the one for you why would you even think of doing anything to mess that up! You need to tell him everything that you did to him. And if he stays with you he definitely is stupid and really must love you a lot. I believe that when you love someone and you know they are the one you would never even think of doing something so stupid!! What was going through your head you seem as if you don't even care that you cheated you only seem like you care about getting caught.. . Which to me seems as if you really could care less about your boyfriend. Maybe you shld tell him the truth and if he leaves you I think he would be dong the right thing because if your going to your best friend because he was jealous that shows you care less about your boyfriend. And everyone knows that as long as you are going to associate with your best friend your still going to cheat on your boyfriend with him. Again and again. And if you decide that you do really love your boyfriend and it was a mistake I would advise you might as well chose between your best friend and your man because if you still want your boyfriend you might as well never talk to your best firend again. And if your boyfriend even takes you back you better prepare for a long road of arguing , jealousy, and insecurity. Bc that is exactly how your boyfriend will feel. So I hope your ready for the challenges that are ahead for you.

Ah the cheating girlfriend just like my ex and her friend. Ah and you feel no remorse either just like my ex, your nc deserves better.

Tell your boyfriend and let the chips fall where they may. The issue for him is how likely it is to happen again. He should have the right to make that decision. He and you are the only ones that can solve the problem and rightly so because you are the ones upon whom the results of a bad decision will ultimately fall.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SSE08

with the boyfriend-- He loves me. I know that. I DO FEEL SELFISH but im not a selfish person. I want to tell him what happened, i WILL tell him what happened. To be completely honest, i dont think he would break up with me. He WOULD NOT trust me though; for a long time. Im just so ashamed; as i should be.

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The fact that you believe he won't break up with you is clear indication that you are selfish, and denying it makes you sound even more guilty. You shouldn't be expecting anything, but if you must you should be expecting the worst because you deserve it.

And the reality of it all, he won't trust you ever. Neither will his friends or anyone else who knows you're a cheater. Be prepared to take heat from people you probably don't even know.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SSE08

I am considering dropping the friendship between the guy and me becuase frankly; hes an ****.

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You're immature. A case in point (above), don't blame your "friend" for your mistake. He may be a jerk, but your trying to convince us that's why you want to "drop the friendship", as if you never had sex with him.

A lot of us, myself included, have been in your boyfriend's shoes. It's a lousy feeling when you're girlfriend cheats on you, it's like you've been deceived from the first date. It makes you feel stupid for not being able to see the signs.

Grow up and learn to take responsibility.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

The fact that you believe he won't break up with you is clear indication that you are selfish, and denying it makes you sound even more guilty. You shouldn't be expecting anything, but if you must you should be expecting the worst because you deserve it.

And the reality of it all, he won't trust you ever. Neither will his friends or anyone else who knows you're a cheater. Be prepared to take heat from people you probably don't even know.


You're immature. A case in point (above), don't blame your "friend" for your mistake. He may be a jerk, but your trying to convince us that's why you want to "drop the friendship", as if you never had sex with him.

A lot of us, myself included, have been in your boyfriend's shoes. It's a lousy feeling when you're girlfriend cheats on you, it's like you've been deceived from the first date. It makes you feel stupid for not being able to see the signs.

Grow up and learn to take responsibility.

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I totally agree on this one!

Ok Ok OK godda.mnit I've had enough of the hate fest. I've been reading over these posts and it's getting out of hand.

This girl obviously made a mistake that she could regret for the rest of her life and this is a HELP forum not a bashers forum. She came here to see if she could possibly salvage anything out of a relationship she cares for. I am also against cheating to the extreme as well but this IS getting out of hand.

Everyone needs to just take a step back and look at the situation. It's been established that everyone thinks she is a dirty, selfish, cheater but there is more than likely more to the story and nobody here knows her BF better than her. He MIGHT take her back if she is ready for some possibly extreme punishment and a lot of trust issues but who is to say they can't work it out. NONE of us know what will happen.

I for one would almost 80% for sure dumb a girl that cheated on me and I do think "once a cheater always a cheater" but we have to keep open our minds and realize we don't know all the circumstances all the emotions.

She is coming off wrong to everyone but how about giving her constuctive criticism instead of what's currently going on. We know the way she words everything is making her sound like she does not care but she would not keep posting and taking everyone's crap if she did not care for her BF.

So I think to the OP if you really care about this relationship you have got a lot of work to do on yourself and your mental process because this could just as easily happen with ANY other guy you meet ANYTIME. A relationship has a lot more to it than you see. When you cheat you 100% give in to your emotions and stab the love your trying to cultivate in the back. You need to realize that if you get yourself into a truly "serious" relationship you HAVE to give up the options of being with other guys no matter how much you might want them or vise-versa. If you feel yourself slipping up and flirting you HAVE to distance yourself and burn that bridge before you burn down the bridges you truly care about with the firestorm that is cheating.

So what I'm trying to say is to just try to help this girl out or lock this topic and be done with it. There is no point what so ever to just sit here and bash this girl even if she completely deserves it.

Also sorry if my post is over the top.

SimpleguyJoe I respect what you are saying.

There have been many many helpful posts to her many more than she really needs. And she has come back with.
We didn't have real sex
I'm leaving my best friend
I know my boyfriend will take me back. Lala

I mean it does not matter how you word it. It just sounds awful.
And for me. And for a lot of other people it hits close to home. We all help out people
But we also have the right to state our feelings on any subject and most of us did. As I said before it hits close to home with a lot of the members here.

Help thoses who can help themselves. She does not sound like that typ of a person.

I think I speak for all the ones in Her boyfriends place. I'm sure he won't take a step back and see the bright side of this, nor will the best friend either... she has hurt two people for a very selfish way.. and her reason for doing this,
In her own words.

((I have always wondered what it would be like to have sex with him)))

Yeah it's a dumb mistake. But one I feel no pitty for.

This will be my last comment on this subject.

I'd give you rep for your post but I have to spread =(. You also have good points and your more than likely right about the way your dealing with the situation and everyone is entitled to their opinion. It just bugs me A lot when people gang up on others even if they deserve it. Chances are the OP is just trying to find ways to make herself feel better. (even though you should take it like a real woman and take all the negative feelings in so we can hope you never do this again)

Sorry if I was going at it too strongly

Joe
You do make some good points but lot of people come on here to get a justification for what they have done wrong.

I'm not a fan of ganging up on anyone either but when you cheat on the person you love , and freely admit it was to an extent premeditated , you aren't going to get too much sympathy I'm afraid.

I feel for the OP to a certain extent because at least she admits she was wrong in all this , I just really hope she has learned her lesson and doesn't turn into a repeat offender.

I agree we shouldn't be on here making people feel like low lifes... Even though everyone will have there opinion which I did. I know if I came on this site asking for help and everyone was yelling at me I would be a little upset and I wouldn't really feel like anyone was helping me. Even though I agree that cheating is wrong and I do feel like she shouldn't have don't what she did because of her best friend being jealous. I do have a right to make my own opinion though. But in the end if you think about it. This website is called the ask me help desk. So why are we making this girl feel worse maybe we shld all be helping her! Even though most of us agree she is in the wrong. I think that she should just make the decision and tell him the truth and she most likely needs to decide if she wants her best friend or boyfriend more. And seems to me she wants her boyfriend soooo she needs to drop the best friend. Then tell her boyfriend everything. Hopefully he forgives her and if he does then she better prepare for her boyfriend t put her through hell!

On a forum where all the advice and opinion is directed at the one asking the question, ganging up is the only option especially with the questions asked. Sometimes the truth is harsh, and it hurts, but at least it was given to help.

Why bash others for their opinion??? Now that's the thing that's not necessary, as all opinions are just that, opinion.

How do you sugarcoat something you think is very wrong?? Most of us don't, nor should we.