He doesn't know if he loves me
So I am a pretty lonely person, I study for school and I work to pay for school and live with parents who don't like me very much and are verbally/physically abusive. My ex boyfriend was the only form of unconditional love I experienced, until he no longer acted like he cared and told me that he is desensitized to my feelings. So I broke up with him because I wasn't in a good place at the time and the saying goes, if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else. I miss him a lot, I've never trusted anyone or loved anyone as much as him... and I know that he cared for me, but when I ask him, do you want to be with me or not? He always answers that he doesn't know.
Well we've hooked up a few times and it has been 2 months and I try to talk to him but all he can say is that he can't answer because he doesn't know. He was so affectionate with me yesterday when we were watching a movie and I was trying to sit away from him, and he acted like he did when we were together, like kissing me on my head and stroking my back and later we hooked up that night. I asked him, again and he said he didn't know. I'm not hounding him every time I see him, I've asked him a total of four times during the two months, mostly during this week. Is it wrong that I want to be happy and that I want him to be happy. I want to study abroad and work hard and begin my life if it doesn't work with him... but our anniversary is coming up, my birthday, valentine's day, and our planned date for our engagement. I'd rather not be in the position where we are hooking up and not going anywhere, I'll just be hurt all over again. I admit it was truly hard, and I was criticized by my family for losing him and basically told I will never find anyone like him. I believe I will never find anyone like him, but what can I do. If he doesn't love me then he doesn't want to be with me, but I want to be with him. I don't know if I should push him away now, I don't know how long to wait, and I don't know why he can't just decide (sometimes I think he wants to be just friends, and sometimes I think he wants to be with me). Ughhh... He really was good to me when he wasn't so stressed and he is a really quiet person... I just don't know how to read him.