Hi everyone! I am new to the board and this little section caught my eye instantly.
I have a friend whom I think is feeling a little bit smothered by me at the moment :-( "Jane" is 56 and I'm almost 38, so there is an age difference, but when we first met two years ago (she sold me my first house), we really hit it off. We have so much in common, it's unreal. Even my mother jokingly refers to her as my "twin". Jane is like a big sister to me.
To give a little background, Jane lost her husband to cancer in October 2003. She's been having a really tough time dealing with that, and added to that is the fact she has an insanely stressful job -- a job that has become even more stressful for her in the past couple of weeks. I can definitely relate where job stress in concerned (most of us can). I was so stressed out in my last job that I actually ended up going back to college three years ago to make a career change.
Anyway, for quite some time I've been dropping by the model home where Jane works and I'll take her a coffee or tea because I know her days are pretty long. She works alone in the model home , so she can't leave to go and pick these things up for herself. I never go in when she has clients there, but just in the past couple of weeks I've been under the impression that Jane feels *obligated* to sit and chat with me when I bring the coffee. I always tell her that I'm not going to stay, but she invites me in anyway. She told me about a year ago that she loves our little chats.
However, the last two times I've dropped by (I usually go in about once a week), Jane has been a little short with me. At first I thought she was just having a really bad day, but now that it's happened a couple of times, I'm beginning to think it's me. I asked her if she wanted to get together for dinner and she said she's so busy with work and home stuff that she doesn't have time right now. (I found out later than she did have time to go out for a drink with her sister-in-law).
Last night I called Jane at home and she was very abrupt. She said, "I'm really busy right now..." and went on to tell me that her step-mother passed away three days before, and she & her sister were making arrangements. She didn't offer to call me back, so I just said I would call her "later"... and it will be much later. I felt horrible. I had no idea that her step-mother had passed away, but it definitely let me know that I am the problem here -- and likely contributing to some of her stress :-(
Anyway, in the course of trying to help Jane and be a good friend to her, I think I've been a little *too* helpful. Now it seems that I'm nothing more than a pain in the butt to her. I'm worried that she's starting to hate me. (extreme, but, I'm feeling very insecure about things right about now!). I don't mean to be a pain, but I really care about her and I want her to be happy.
I've decided that I'm not even going to send a sympathy card because I think she's just plain tired of me. At a time like this, I would really want to be there for any of my friends, but given the situation, I'm wondering if "being there" means not being there -- if that makes sense.
Jane is not the kind to pick up the phone and call people (she admits that as being one of her worst faults), so I know it's unlikely she would ever call me. But, I'm thinking I will completely back off for a while, and in three weeks or so, if she hasn't called, I'll make a really quick call to her to see how she's doing. If anyone can offer any advice or insight, I am open to suggestion. This is SO incredibly difficult for me, but I care about Jane so much, and I really want to do what would be best for her.
Thanks ~ and take care everyone.