Heya everyone... Ive been gone for a while but I feel the need for some good advice to calm my mind so here goes...

We are in a deployed situation, he is military and I am a civilian contractor

Ive been dating a guy for about 3 months now. He was married 8 years, been divorced for one year and has 2 children. At the beginning of our relationship I was falling fast and we had a talk about where things could go since he would be leaving in May and I would most likely stay until July/Aug. I have been planning on going back to California, but he has to go back to North Carolina so when we had the conversation he said he just wants to take things day by day and that we were from opposites sides of the states and basically was skeptical about it working.

Its been about 2 months since that conversation and things have been great up until I left for 3 weeks. Before he was being really sweet and really seemed to enjoy being around me, and now I kind of feel like he is distancing himself. I have only been back a week and I have had some emotional things I have had to deal with so part of me thinks I have bothered him with my problems and he keeps talking about how he can't wait to be back in the states. He has never asked if I would come visit him and when his friends make jokes about us acting like we are married or ask me in front of him if Im going to come visit, he gets that nervous-guy look on his face.

He has mentioned that he hides his emotions, and he really does. I want to talk to him and ask him so bad, but I hate putting pressure on him, and in all reality I don't think I want to hear the answer just yet.

A close guy friend of mine has told me I just need to put myself out there cause this guy is just trying to defend himself and won't be the one to say it first. I like to believe that is what is going on, but my instinct is telling me he doesn't really want to be with me anymore... and its really hurting me right now. Sometimes I just want to break things off myself so I can stop wondering and I can just heal my wounds, but another part of me knows I tend to over-react and over think things and I just need to find the best way and best words to figure out where he stands...

So I guess my question is what's the best way to bring it up? He is not a 'talker' but if I ask a question he will listen and he will be straight forward. He has called me silly and 'stupid girl' (in a funny way, I call myself the same) with some of the other things I have brought up... and I tend to feel better once I get them off my chest, but I always let things build up so much that I just about choke on the words I want to say. I am not good at discussing my feelings, and I try to show them instead, but when I don't get the same affection back it just kills my courage... OK OK I think that might explain enough for now. Sorry its so long, I just have so much on my mind.

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Originally Posted by s2tp

So I guess my question is whats the best way to bring it up? he is not a 'talker' but if i ask a question he will listen and he will be straight forward.

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Simply ask, and if he is straight forward he would answer straight forward, don't give ultimatums, or choices.. Hear him out, and if he says he doesn't want anything you now have closure to make your next move forward. The only way to truly know is to ask the person you are involved with. Don't feel afraid to ask him and I don't really see asking someone to express themselves as putting pressure as long as you don't try to convince them that it can work.. Good luck.

No worries, take your time in explaining and letting go all that frustration. Telling people is always better than bottling up all your emotions.

Have you ever thought that his nervousness is because he's afraid of losing you? You said that he's going back to North Carolina, perhaps he's afraid that you'll leave him and find someone better? He has only recently got separated from an 8 year relationship, 8 years is a long time, he must have loved his ex a lot. Now that the relationship's over, perhaps he's scared of moving and falling for you just in case you guys don't turn out that great?

I know that you don't want to seem pressuring and pushy, but you need to know this. You can't live life double guessing yourself every moment. Maybe you don't need him to answer, but just make him listen. He doesn't have to say anything and you don't have to ask him, but at least, let him know what you're feeling and thinking. Don't bottle up your emotions, like you said, these emotions will choke you. It's like a balloon, the more you wait, the more inflated it gets, and in the end... pop.

It takes a lot of courage to tell him, but I think you can do it! I wish you the best of luck!

Hard to find the right way to communicate so early in a relationship, but just asking him what he thinks, is a good idea. I think what your looking for is reasurrance from him, rather than a plan of action. At the very least, pay attention to his actions, as they are a lot more revealing than words.

Ok so I had asked him the other night if he had considered the relationship lasting longer than his departure date and he seemed really annoyed and said "I thought we already talked about this"... I was just going to let things go since he obviously didn't want to talk about it.. but then he asked if I wanted him to change his mind and I just said "sometimes". He went on about how much more difficult he is in his home environment and just hinted that I wouldn't want to put up with him outside of our current situation.

He may be telling the truth, he is pretty much an . Last night during dinner we were with another couple friend and we were discussing how much of a jerk he really is. I found out his friend had even told him to tone it down, that he was being too much of an jerk to me, but his response was 'this is who I am, Ive been this guy since the beginning.' I took the opportunity to let him know that he was being even more of an a$$ recently and that yes he had changed etc etc. It was all in a joking manner, but I guess it got him to check himself cause he was actually trying to be nice afterwards, although slightly smart- about it.

I'm not real happy that I can't seem to tell him in person how I feel, but in these group discussions I can lash it out at him and tell him (and everyone else) how he doesn't make me happy. I don't like that it sounds like I am nagging on him. I know he is miserable over here and he just wants to be home... I don't want to make things worse for him, but I wish he would just care about me like he used to. I am not sure at what point he stopped caring... he used to be understanding when I wanted to talk about us. Ok well I have kind of turned this into a sort of Blog... my bad. I am going to try and tell him the things I have just mentioned, and hope I don't irritate him more.

Why do girls like the Jerks so much? I think its because the times they are actually nice and sweet it means so much more...

What makes guys such jerks anyway?

It's the same for a man as a woman, we can all be jerks when we are unhappy or frustrated. It's also a sign of immaturity, and a callous disregard for the feeling of those around us. What they really want is sympathy, but don't know how to get that either, so they become... jerks to get the attention they need. As your guy, he ain't happy, so he rains on your parade, and withdraws. Don't chase him under those circumstances, as it's a lousy way to communicate ones feelings.