How do I get along with a 42 yr old son who acts as if he hates me? He lives very near me but he keeps his children away from me to punich and hurt me. I don't know what to do, I miss my grandchildren. This has been going on for years. He gets mad at me and he keeps his kids away to punish me. And he says I need help!

What are his reasons? Why does he say you need help?

Because he is spoiled and I have had to hold his hand for the last 19 yrs in supporting him and his family and it has caused problems. They have destroyed my credit one time and I rebuilt it and now they are about to destroy it again and it causes problems. I have a job and he does not. He thinks he is too good for any job other than a management job, I word in security for a little over minimun wage. Now who needs help?

Isn't it time your son stood on his own 2 feet? He has the potential to work and it is his responsibility to support his family. Stop being the fall back position for any money they need. I know that you keep doing this because you want to see your grandchildren, but can't you see that you're being manipulated? (Where is your DIL in all of this?)

I would suggest that you not allow your son to to use his children as a weapon against you. He does it because he knows he's hurting you and he gets a reaction. In the end end if you allow him to treat you badly, he'll continue to treat you badly.

The grandchildren will eventually see what he's doing, but it may mean that you see less of them. I guess the chocie is yours - continue to see your grandchildren and get treated badly by your son, or take a stand and stop allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.

First, recognize that the way you talk about your own son conveys that you don't like nor respect him. Perhaps that is true. And if it is true, he will not want to spend time with you or have you around his kids.

To reverse this situation, you need to change your tune, even if you are totally right about his problems. He cannot feel every time he sees you that he's in front of a review committee that will judge his joblessness and pronounce him a failure.

Make time with him family time to be enjoyed. Enjoy his sense of humor, his children, his help if there are things he can take care of for you, his company. If he asks for money, don't answer immediately. Perhaps have in mind things you would be willing to pay him to do if you do want to help him financially - don't make it a hand-out. Or just say "I can't help financially but I'd be happy to help in practical ways". For example, perhaps you could take the children two nights a month so he can work on resumes.

And consider whether he might be in a depression or if he might have another issue like alcoholism. You could help him get treatment, which could set him on the right path.

Clearly you have reason to be frustrated with him but frustration has limited value in terms of solving the problem, so I'd suggest you try compassion instead.

Are there Grandparent rights in your state?

If so, that might be a way for him to stop using his children as a bargaining tool when he needs something.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Are there Grandparent rights in your state?

If so, that might be a way for him to stop using his children as a bargaining tool when he needs something.

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I am just tired of the drama. I have stopped all financial help and letting them stand on their on feet. I have stopped ph calls trying to reason with him, it was only making matters worse, one word would lead to two and then before I know it I am caught up in a needless word and name calling game. He just needs to grow up and act like a man. I need some love and I need some respect from him. He's not willing to give it. I've made my bed and now I'm reaping what I have help sow.

While I agree that you have been bailing him out, holding his hand, spoiling him, and allowing him to ruin your credit for years, it is never too late to let adult children live their own lives without support from you.

This is more about you from my perspective. I know how impossible it can sometimes be so say 'no', because the consequences are just too much to accept. In your case, keeping your grandchildren from you.

But, I think that once you calmly explain that you are no longer going to keep bailing him out, or stepping in and involving yourself with his problems, and stick to it, a few main things will likely happen.

For one, he will have the satisfaction of learning that he can actually rely on himself, and solve his own problems, as he should do as an adult.

He will have more respect, not less, for you, because the relationship has changed from mommy and son, to adult to adult.

He will also realize that when he gets used to this change, that keeping his children from you is childish, and not in their best interests.

It will be a better relationship, not worse.

But, you will have to stick you your guns, find a peaceful way within yourself to accept stepping up yourself and doing the right thing without guilt, and let the rest go.

You are not punishing him, and you are not punishing yourself. What you are doing is drawing appropriate boundaries between yourself, and your adult son.

Regardless of the past, you can change the future, by not hanging onto how it all happened, and how rotten he is being to you, or how you are frustrated with yourself for allowing it to happen in the first place.

There is no blame here now. It's all about healing, moving on, and eventually he will respect you for cutting those apron strings, and you will have your grandchildren back in your life.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.

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Originally Posted by Jean Bowen

I am just tired of the drama. I have stopped all financial help and letting them stand on their on feet. I have stopped ph calls trying to reason with him, it was only making matters worse, one word would lead to two and then before I know it I am caught up in a needless word and name calling game. He just needs to grow up and act like a man. I need some love and I need some respect from him. He's not willing to give it. I've made my bed and now I'm reaping what I have help sow.

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You're doing the right things.

The person that you have to look after is YOU.

Sadly, if your son is causing drama, distress and discontent in your life you have to choose. You're making the right choice by choosing you.

Sadly, you may also have to accept that you may never get the love and respect you would like from him. He's 42 - is he likely to change?

Acceptance is all you have left now.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

While I agree that you have been bailing him out, holding his hand, spoiling him, and allowing him to ruin your credit for years, it is never too late to let adult children live their own lives without support from you.

This is more about you from my perspective. I know how impossible it can sometimes be so say 'no', because the consequences are just too much to accept. In your case, keeping your grandchildren from you.

But, I think that once you calmly explain that you are no longer going to keep bailing him out, or stepping in and involving yourself with his problems, and stick to it, a few main things will likely happen.

For one, he will have the satisfaction of learning that he can actually rely on himself, and solve his own problems, as he should do as an adult.

He will have more respect, not less, for you, because the relationship has changed from mommy and son, to adult to adult.

He will also realize that when he gets used to this change, that keeping his children from you is childish, and not in their best interests.

It will be a better relationship, not worse.

But, you will have to stick you your guns, find a peaceful way within yourself to accept stepping up yourself and doing the right thing without guilt, and let the rest go.

You are not punishing him, and you are not punishing yourself. What you are doing is drawing appropriate boundaries between yourself, and your adult son.

Regardless of the past, you can change the future, by not hanging onto how it all happened, and how rotten he is being to you, or how you are frustrated with yourself for allowing it to happen in the first place.

There is no blame here now. It's all about healing, moving on, and eventually he will respect you for cutting those apron strings, and you will have your grandchildren back in your life.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.

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Thank you! I'm working on making myself stronger and feeling less guilty.

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Originally Posted by Jean Bowen

Because he is spoiled and I have had to hold his hand for the last 19 yrs in supporting him and his family and it has caused problems. They have destroyed my credit one time and I rebuilt it and now they are about to destroy it again and it causes problems. I have a job and he does not. He thinks he is too good for any job other than a management job, I word in security for a little over minimun wage. Now who needs help?

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Can my post here be deleted?

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Originally Posted by Jean Bowen

Can my post here be deleted?

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As a general rule we don't delete posts. Why would you want to?

I would not want anyone in his family to see what I have written. Problems enough!

Sorry, but you should have thought of that when you created your account. We advise people to use an anonymous screen name.

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Originally Posted by jean bowen

how do i get along with a 42 yr old son who acts as if he hates me? He lives very near me but he keeps his children away from me to punich and hurt me. I don't know what to do, i miss my grandchildren. This has been going on for years. He gets mad at me and he keeps his kids away to punish me. And he says i need help!

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Things are better here! I've learned not to try to argue with him because I can't win I only get frustrated and make the situation worse!
I have learned that I have some responsibility in how I handle this . My grandchildren are teenagers now so if they want to see me they will because they live very near by. He has his own problems now because he is a grandfather and is going through the ''not getting to see grandbaby'' times. What goes around sure does come around!

Good for you Jean. Progress!! I'll bet you feel better too, taking charge of your own life and setting some boundaries with your son.

I personally think you've been far too generous with him over the years, and at this stage of the game, I totally agree with you. He has to be a man, and take care of himself.

This is most likely a deep seeded animosity that goes way back. It's not surface stuff so don't expect a swift and easy solution. How were you as mother and son in the early years? It started then. Think back and explore that for awhile. Then talk to him sometime, in a way that is conducive to healing and honesty and love. No blaming, no finger pointing, no eye for an eye, no excuses. If he feels the need to be defensive , then you've lost him. Just speak from the truest part of your heart, and not from the ego. I have a feeling that this approach could yield positive results.
You may ask yourself, why should I be the one to come to him, or I be the one to bear my soul. And I would ask you, do you want to be right... or be happy?

Happy to see that you have come to a solution that works for YOU. I like to do a "quick reply" before reading other replies so I'm not swayed from my first impulse. I see now, that you got some good advice and are doing better and happily, you don't even need my advice.

I too have an ungrateful son. I am cutting off the finances. He thinks he has all the cards he does not. Eventually he may come around, but if he doesn't, he will just continue to hurt you and your grandchildren with on again off again.