Entire story merged

It seems bizarre to write this but I have been going through emotional turmoil since March this year. My boyfriend dumped me on my birthday. I was devastated, in denial and tried to get him to reconsider. I was unable to get out of bed for 2 weeks - it was my first period of serious depression ever. I called him incessantly, cried a lot and believed we were meant to be together. I stopped contact for one week and finally began to accept that we were over.
That's when he started calling me. He wanted to "hear my voice" and meet up to talk. We met up and he admitted that he had made a mistake. He told me he wanted me to be his and be happy. We got back together. I was extatic. All of those horrible feelings of rejection HAD been false - I was right all along, my feelings and love for him were validated.
I was expecting us to re-connect. For him to do something, show me a gesture supporting his words and intentions to make me happy. Instead - he was critical and down right horrible to me. We fought a lot and he acted like he didn't even want to be with me at all. At one point I was sitting on his lap to give him a kiss and he yelled at me- pushed me away and said "all you want to do is lie all over me".
He dumped me again - over the phone in July.
I was even more devastated this time - more so at myself. For what I let him put me through, for going through the humilliation again. Since then I handled the break up really badly. I didn't want it to be over. I felt that because I had given him a chance - He should have given our relationship one.
I have made it known to him how strong my feelings were for him. I called him -a lot. I emailed him. I basically tried to act as if he had never ended it.
I let him humiliate me by trying to talk to him in public. It even got to the point when I was out one night - I desperately wanted to see him and called him up - to hear him taking another girl home to bed.
I wish I could take back the obsessive behaviour I displayed after the break up.
It is what haunts me now more than anything.
My problem is - I can't seem to shed this one last stubborn ray of hope about a happily ever after coming out of this situation. My head knows that is ridiculous - how long does it take the heart to catch up?

Ive been through a similar situation and I let a guy treat me that way but you know you deserve someone who will love you and show you love in return. How can you allow yourself to love someone who mistreats you? That's the way that you need to look at it. When you start to have that feeling "oh maybe one day we'll be together" stop and think about all the mean things he said to you and did and soon you'll start to understand and one day when he'll pull one of his little tricks on you trying to act like he cares and you'll look at him in his face and say " pssh. Im sorry but your not good enough for me." Yeah it will take some time but the sooner you learn to love yourself and the sooner you see that you deserve a lot better the faster you'll get over him.

I think the best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself and forget about him. Keeping yourself busy distracts you from thinking about the break-up, him and everything that happened between the two of you. Do things like spend more time on a hobby, go out with friends etc. Wallowing in your own depression and self loathing will only make you feel worse. Maybe at this point you are not yet ready to go out and do these things but give yourself time, these things always need time. Just keep in mind, when one of these days you feel really really down and crappy and remembering the past, tell yourself not grieve over a relationship that has been long over and especially over a guy who did not deserve the loyalty and love you gave him. Learn from your mistakes and use the things you learnt in the next relationship that your decide to undertake.

Keep your mind busy. Don't think of him, or if you think of him think of how he treated you and humilated you.
Don't give him the staisfaction of running after him.
SOD HIM.
Be free from a guy who won't show an ounce of respect for you. You are better than that, always bare that in mind.

You said yourself your head knows its ridiculous so I think its about time you start listening to your head and take actions. Be strong and firm and don't let it happen again.

He hurt you twice.
Don't let there be a third time.

Concentrate on your goodself and self-esteem.

Thank you guys. He is seeing a new girl now. When I found out I was crushed. I really regret that I let him in to see how hard I was taking it. I let him see howmuch he had hurt me. I read a quote that really made me think "Would you love the truck that just ran over you?". I have been struggling to understand myself and how I could love him - even ater all of the pain he caused me and disrnespect he showed me. But as you say Scheris - learn from your mistakes. And I will never afford him the opportunity to hurt me again.

I am terrified of seeing him again. Of bumping into him after how pathetic I have been. And of seeing her and what she is like. Does everyone feel insecure when their ex gets a new partner? I just have this horrible feeling that she is going to be better than me at everything... guess that's really dumb and irrational.
Is it wrong to use this as motivation to be better?

Do NOT regret anything. I read a quote once that made complete sense :-

"Regrets are events from the past that come to haunt you in the present, dont let them effect you, but just learn from them and never repeat that mistake".

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Originally Posted by Krs

Do NOT regret anything. I read a quote once that made complete sense :-

"Regrets are events from the past that come to haunt you in the present, dont let them effect you, but just learn from them and never repeat that mistake".

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That is so true.
What's done is done.
We don't get our time over so there's no point in thinking what if.

Precisely my point.
Forget it. You can't change nor control what happened in the past, but you are surely capable for controlling your present and future. That lies in your hands alone ;)

One HUGE question?? WHY ON EARTH DO YU WANT TO BE WITH THIS JERK EVER?? WHY??

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!! He's horrible!!

He totally played wit hyour emotions over and over.

AND begging, needy, desperate - no one wants that.

Ever hear 'It's called a Break Because it's Broken' - you guys shouldn't be together - never.

I think you love the drama... even the pain.

Your lucky NOT to be with him.

Go find a new guy - concentrate on finding a good guy. Not a emotional abuser like this jerk.

Did I say how much of a jerk this guy is?

WC is absolutely right... being with a jerk or wanting a jerk makes you... a jerk! Its like a horse of a different color is still a horse, isn't it?
Think about that a little before you continue to complain. Get a bigger picture here. Learn the lesson. Find out why and how you were so able to play your part in this, otherwise you're really likely to do it all over again and get the same results. Lose every shred of thinking you have that's telling you "Its not MY fault!" That stands totally in your way now and needs to be dumped along with him.

End it, find your part, change it, get different results next time.

Great post Val.

Why do you want to walk that path knowing that he will treat you like the last booty call... oh did I jump to an conclusion... after all that is what he is hoping you to be the booty call.. if he is not able to find another... you are now the official booty... let him go... are you looking for another... just have fun for now... there are more drama out there so go get them girl... oh and remember leave the dog(perro) alone... it is his lost... bonita..

Thanks for being so honest. You guys are both right.
Wildcat 21 - I have heard of that book - do you recommend it?
This has forced me to have a good look at myself and the role I played in it. Every one is responsible - to an extent - to what they let happen to them.
I guess I was in some serious denial. And for some screwed up reason focusing on the good memories we had - rather than the horrible ones. I think it was too much for me to handle to actually accept that he was such a jerk and I let him be one - twice!
It really scared me that my character could change like that - become so weak for someone. And now my job is to re-build myself image - and stop blaming myself with not being good enough.

You made a mistake, good for you! (I mean it)
An opportunity to learn from it so that next time is better, you are better.

This is the journey of life. Don't compete with anyone but a better version of you.

You might want to look into what love is-- its not something that should make you weak, call for suffering or sacrifice or leave you blinded. That is for the fairytales and movies.

And you are very welcome -- always nice for us to have it so well received too.
Remind yourself that the reason any of us are good with advice here is (shhhhhh) we very likely made all these mistakes too!!

Today was a really hard day. I think writing all of this down opened some flood gates. I haven't cried over this in a while. A few weeks ago I was dealing with the pain by taking pain killers and anything else I could get my hands on.
He knows this - which makes me feel worse.
I'm worried Im obsessing over him - today I kept thinking of him having dinner with his family and his new girl - I imagined them all loving her and thinking she was so much better than me. I have been finding it difficult to sleep at night and I worry about bumping into the two of them constantly.
I'm sorry - I just needed to get this out. I know its all wrong. And your advice all really helped.
I am not in contact with him at all anymore. But he has a website and its like a temptation for me not to look at it.
I know he's my past but I really loved him and believed in us and turning that off seems to be so hard for me.

Its time for you to STOP thinking and imagining and concentrate on the realistic things in life such as your well being.

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Originally Posted by Kandy83

A few weeks ago I was dealing with the pain by taking pain killers and anything else i could get my hands on.
He knows this - which makes me feel worse.

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Oh I hope that has come to a screeching halt or you could be in for an even bigger world of hurt.

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Originally Posted by Kandy83

I'm sorry - i just needed to get this out. I know its all wrong. And your advice all really helped.

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Most of that we can't help with -- its your lack of discipline which often is part of bigger problems-- the type that I think usually takes professional help. Have you considered that?

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Originally Posted by Kandy83

I am not in contact with him at all anymore. But he has a website and its like a temptation for me not to look at it.
I know hes my past but I really loved him and believed in us and turning that off seems to be soo hard for me.

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Don't try to stop looking at his site cold turkey. Instead, when you are tempted, go look at a site about breaking up, self esteem, grief or other more valuable ones. I don't think you stop loving him either, but you certainly need to grow the love you have for yourself so its equal to or greater than-- that part is clear enough. So quit doing the same thing over and over right now by beginning to do something different in its place right now.

Val, I think you hit the problem on the head, this lady loves this guy more than she loves herself and as I reread this thread to be sure I think he was trying his best to get her away from him and finally had to resort to being cruel as a last ditch effort to get away. Your original question was how long does it take the heart to catch up with the head? Sometimes it's a long time. Do you have girlfriends? How do they react to the boohooing you do after the ex? Just curious as I really think you could benefit from some professional help or counseling for your emotional and obsesion issues. Good Luck.

PLEASE stop taking drugs as well. It only makes things 10 times worse - this could be the big problem. Drug addiction makes people despressed, needy, delusional, not face reality, unhappy - pleawse stop.

AGAIN - why on earth would you ever want to be with this jerk? And he is jerk.

O do think if your still feeling this way you need major professinal counseling - for yourself and for the drugs.

You need to love yourself first!!

I was always so level headed before this. I am totally aware that I let myself down and spiral into something beneath who I am.
I still don't believe that I deserved to be fukt around by this guy - he did play with my emotions and I know I never would have done the same to him.
I have completely stopped the drugs - they were deluding my sense of reality and probably sparked the obsessing in the first place.
I guess I was just in a lot of pain and tried to ignore/avoid it.
Yes I have girlfriends - I don't like to burden them with my problems. I only recently broke down and confided in my mum about it all - drugs included. That helped - a lot. To cry and show someone all of the thoughts that had been flying through my head.
I haven't been sleeping at night and when I do - grinding my teeth severely which makes me wake up tired and with a migrane. I think I am just totally run down atm and this is contributing greatly to the negative outlook I have had.

Positive steps I will take now: I am going shopping tonight - I want to start presenting myself in a more successful light.
I will join a yoga class - to ease the stress and anxiety.
And I will start reading some books on codependency - as I have a feeling I may be prone to being with guys who aren't good for or to me. Anyone have any recommendations?

I really appreciate the honesty in this faceless forum. It has REALLY helped me take another perspective on things.