My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now. I am 24 and he is 25. I met him online on a dating site and things have been great. The only problem I seem to have is every so often he wants to hang out with a female friend or so and tells me if he goes he's going alone. This has yet to happen, but only because plans failed to follow through (she couldn't make it.. etc). But I get a terrible feeling inside every time he tells me he is planning this. Not that I don't trust him... but I don't like how he tells me I can't go. When he hangs with his male friends there is never an issue, I'm always welcome to come, and same goes for his close female friends who I have met. It only seems to happen when he mentions a girls name I'd never heard before, but says he knows them from sports or High school. I just want to know should I worry about why he likes to hang with females without me? He tells me if I were to hang with a male friend he would have no problem so I shouldn't either. I don't know what to do.:(

Perhaps he wants alone time... I don't really know. It is odd that he specifically tells you that you aren't allowed to go... that is what he tells you right? I'm not sure if it means anything really, other than it is a bit rude. Maybe you should tell him how you feel and ask him to explain why it is he doesn't "allow" you to go. Maybe it's nothing more than him just wanting to blow off steam without you, who knows?

Why does my boyfriend like to hang with female friends without me?
Because you allow him to. Maybe you can't tell him what to do, but if you don't like it tell him so.

Help me understand why you put up with it? Is this an open relationship?

I agree with Tal, why do you put up with it? Your allowing it to go on. Why would a boyfriend not want you to be around this girl, that would make me very leary of a person like that. Something doesn't seem right. Why allow it?

Its not an open relationship at all. Its not that he doesn't want me to meet them, he tells me he should be allowed to hang with his freidns... whether male or female without me always having to go. I agree with him on a certain note, only because he has hung out with his buddy once (a male), and told me he was going out without me. I just don't like when he brings it up and it's a female. I feel when a guy is in a relationship its diff if it's a girl he's hanging out with and not just a random buddy. Maybe I'm wrong. I have tried speaking to him on several occasions about it, and he makes a valid point, if he didn't want to be with me or wanted another girl then he would pursue someone else, but he doesn't. And I'm sorry if it sounds as though I am making excuses for him, but I'm just trying to explain as much about our relationship as I can. He hasn't hung out with a female friend yet, that I know of, but he does have many friends. He is very well liked from kids he's known for years, so his mother says, I just don't feel he understands what boundaries not to cross in a relationship and I don't know how else to approach him about it.

You said you have met his other female friends? How do you get along with them?

My ex used to get catty with some of my female friends that I had. If she didn't show it at the time she met them, she would bring it up later. It made me feel uneasy to bring her around them sometimes.

That's the thing, I have met all of his closest female friends. As in the girls in his life that fit the word "Friend". These other girls he seems to mention every once in a while(but remember no plans have fallen through yet), are associates. Either I had never heard their name before that day or he barely talks about them. For instance, a couple weeks ago, he told me he may have been going to the beach alone on that Saturday. When I asked him with who and why wasn't I invited... he simply said he would be going with a friend who he used to play basketball with. I asked him when was the last time he'd hung out with her because during our nine months being together I had never once heard her name before... he replied that he hadn't seem her in a year. I asked him why I could not go, and he said he was going alone with her and her child to the beach and that was it. So, as you can see sometimes he can be really stubborn. He is a Taurus like Ive mentioned, and I'm not sure if that really means anything, but I believe he is indeed stubborn. When he goes out with any of his female friends that I have met or do know, he ever once has said you can not go. So that is why I am curious as to why he acts this way. I treat his friends nice, male and female, and they speak highly of me so he tells me.

Hmm... doesn't seem right. I know you are communicating your dislike of this situation to him. His not inviting you to go out with his friends could be just how he lives his life. Some people need lots of alone/away time to feel balanced in a relationship (although this seems to me like a red flag). He keeps coming back to you. Besides him not inviting you out on occasion, he doesn't seem to be engaged in any other strange behavior.

I have to go with the whole, maybe he just wants some time away every once in a while.

It's very hard to change people. I would keep an eye on the situation. Try to limit your insecurity/suspicion/jealousy and see how things go. If any more weird things start creeping up like mysterious/private phone conversations, hiding information, secrets, etc. then there may be more going on.

If you can live with him being this way, it would be time for you to lay the hammer down and decide what is best for you.

That sounds very reasonable. Other than this, there is nothing I can say really that draws suspision. I guess I just wish he cared more about how I felt of the situation. I know he says if I were to hang with other guys(friends of course) without him he wouldn't have a problem with it... but its just the fact that I respect him more and do not feel the desire to do such. Idk... im drained really.

Quote:

---

I just don't feel he understands what boundaries not to cross in a relationship and I don't know how else to approach him about it.

---

Could you be so in love you go along with his BS, because your afraid to lose him?? It takes to partners who stand up for themselves to define those boundaries of good behavior. That takes working together through honest communications, to resolve your issues to the benefit of both. He is getting what he wants, but your not and are stuck with his decisions. That BS, and not acceptable.

Quote:

---

I asked him why I could not go, and he said he was going alone with her and her child to the beach and that was it. So, as you can see sometimes he can be really stubborn.

---

That BS, and not acceptable. He will do this kind of thing, until you define YOUR OWN boundaries of good behavior for yourself, and clearly, you are NOT!

He has crossed the line in my book, and I don't care how long he has known the girl. You better wake up, and stand up for yourself.

I'd like to present a slightly different perspective.

You say that he has lots of friends, male and female. You say that you believe that he's being honest and not cheating on you. You say that he would not mind you socializing with male friends without him.

I think that you have to take him on his word and accept that he will have some friendships that he will not share with you. By all means keep an eye out for anything suspicious, but I would not continue to make an issue about it. At this point the problem is yours because you're worried about it. I believe that the more you push the issue with him, the more resistant he will become.

Let it go. As my mother said to me the other day, ' Sometimes in relationships we just have to let go of what we want and accept that the other person wants something different'.

I think you will find that if you let go of making this a problem with him the dynamic between you will change. Try trusting him and let go of your fear - I'm not saying it will be easy, but what you've done so far hasn't worked has it?

Wow, I'm in exactly the same situation. My fiancé and I have been dating for 6 years. I pushed him to not spend time with his girl friends back then so he lost contact. Recently he has informed me that he is sick of me trying to control him. If he didn't want to be with me he could easily just leave. He apparently just wants to be able to see his friends without me, some space, something in his life for him, not me? I feel its selfish, but I do understand his point of view. I HATE the idea of him hanging out with girls without me.. like what do they have or do that I cant? I think its just a reach out for some space and friends of his own... im ging through this now with mine. Feels like its pretty much his way or the high way! Trust him or leave. So yeah, I don't know... we both have to decide what we want lol