Entire story merged

Hey all,

I'm new to this open forum thing so bear with me

I am 19 years old, and a sophomore in college. I starting talking to and dating this girl near the beginning of October. She is 19 as well, but a freshman. We get along really well, we have the same sense of humor.. etc things were going well, or so she thought until about 4 days ago, when I came to her with some issues that I had been wanting to talk to her about. I calmly explained some things that she didn't do that most people do while in a relationship. I don't really want to go in depth on most of them, but a few of them were things such as her putting everything before me, whether it be sorority, her girlfriends, anything basically... now I understand priorities, but I kept getting the feeling that I wasn't important enough to her.. so I confronted her about these things and a few other things that were on my mind. I couldn't go on in the relationship if I continued to keep these things bottled up inside, but I didn't know what it would accomplish by telling them to her, so I figured there was nothing to lose by telling her. Basically, she cried a bit, and all she could say in response to anything I said was " i dont know" or "your completely right". This all happened Friday night at a date party.

So, I talked to her more Saturday afternoon, basically reiterating all the stuff from the night before because she was a little drunk. She said she really liked me, she wants to be with me, and she cared for me repeatedly throughout the conversation. All I would say in response to it was, then SHOW IT! Of course it was more in depth than just this, but you get the idea.. I thought we were fine, and so I told her to just call me later. She called me about 20 minutes later and asked if she could come over. Basically she came over, to say she need SPACE to figure out why she couldn't treat me right, and figure out what wrong with her and why she won't commit to me.. I expressed my distaste towards the idea, but told her I cared enough about her to let her have all the space she needs.

We didn't talk the rest of Saturday or most of Sunday, but then she texted me to Sunday night to make small talk.. she then ended the conversation by saying she was thinking about me, she missed me, and she wanted to see me tomorrow, Monday. I said okay, that's fine and that I missed her too. She came over and basically acted like nothing was really wrong, I asked her twice if she wanted to talk or even say anything that was on her mind, and she refused.. I asked her if we were okay, and she nodded. It was kind of weird, but I was just happy I was with her.. we chilled for a few hours, watched a movie, and messed joked around with each other. As awkward as I thought it was that she was acting as if nothing had happened, I was too happy to care. She left to go study and called me later that night around 2am. I was a little high(no I'm not a pothead, I was just stressed), but coherent and asked her about it again.. she said basically she wants to START OVER and see where things go.. I really have no idea what she meant by this, but I assumed it was a good thing, because it was better than breaking up..

So basically, I don't know what to do now.. I still feel like not calling her or texting is still probably a good idea, but I really don't know...

I know this story is a bit confusing, but if you can follow at all, I would GREATLY appreciate it!!

Thanks
Ryan

Hey buddy,

I don't know exactly what issues you brought up but your situation reeks like the one I had. I brought up things I shouldn't have too early in the relationship (like you, I need them OUT right away or it eats at me). Like your girl, mine felt like we needed to re-assess things. We went on for a bit after and never brought it up again, but it was the beginning of the end, that night ruined it.

I'm not saying what happened to me will happen to you but its like she will hold it against you in the future. Kind of like she will project that is how you will act in the future and so better end it now. I can understand no feeling important, my girl was not very affectionate either,but its almost as if they figure you are and will always want something they are not comfortable with giving you, at least yet! Finally, not talking about it is not to say she isn't thinking about it. Again, we went on a couple more weeks "not talking" about it and then BOOM! So I think you must see warning signs as to whether this actually does bother her.

Sometimes its better to callit off early over these types of things rather than golonger, cause it will hurt more, I think they realize that. Best of luck man.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

hey all,

im new to this open forum thing so bear with me

i am 19 years old, and a sophomore in college. i starting talking to and dating this girl near the beginning of october. she is 19 as well, but a freshman. we get along really well, we have the same sense of humor..etc things were going well, or so she thought until about 4 days ago, when i came to her with some issues that i had been wanting to talk to her about. i calmly explained some things that she didnt do that most people do while in a relationship. i dont really want to go in depth on most of them, but a few of them were things such as her putting everything before me, whether it be sorority, her girlfriends, anything basically...now i understand priorities, but i kept getting the feeling that i wasnt important enough to her..so i confronted her about these things and a few other things that were on my mind. i couldnt go on in the relationship if i continued to keep these things bottled up inside, but i didnt know what it would accomplish by telling them to her, so i figured there was nothing to lose by telling her. basically, she cried a bit, and all she could say in response to anything i said was " i dont know" or "your completely right". this all happened friday night at a date party.

so, i talked to her more saturday afternoon, basically reiterating all the stuff from the night before because she was a little drunk. she said she really liked me, she wants to be with me, and she cared for me repeatedly throughout the conversation. all i would say in response to it was, then SHOW IT! of course it was more in depth than just this, but you get the idea..i thought we were fine, and so i told her to just call me later. she called me about 20 minutes later and asked if she could come over. basically she came over, to say she need SPACE to figure out why she couldnt treat me right, and figure out what wrong with her and why she wont commit to me..i expressed my distaste towards the idea, but told her i cared enough about her to let her have all the space she needs.

we didnt talk the rest of saturday or most of sunday, but then she texted me to sunday night to make small talk..she then ended the conversation by saying she was thinking about me, she missed me, and she wanted to see me tomorrow, monday. i said okay, thats fine and that i missed her too. she came over and basically acted like nothing was really wrong, i asked her twice if she wanted to talk or even say anything that was on her mind, and she refused..i asked her if we were okay, and she nodded. it was kinda weird, but i was just happy i was with her..we chilled for a few hours, watched a movie, and messed joked around with each other. as awkward as i thought it was that she was acting as if nothing had happened, i was too happy to care. she left to go study and called me later that night around 2am. i was a little high(no im not a pothead, i was just stressed), but coherent and asked her about it again..she said basically she wants to START OVER and see where things go..i really have no idea what she meant by this, but i assumed it was a good thing, because it was better than breaking up..

so basically, i dont know what to do now..i still feel like not calling her or texting is still probably a good idea, but i really dont know....

i know this story is a bit confusing, but if you can follow at all, i would GREATLY appreciate it!!!

thanks
Ryan

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She out everything before me, she would find the dumbest reasons not to see me, I would always initiate times we would see each other, she never invited me over to spend the night, I would always have to indirectly invite myself... things like that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aiyerrc

i still feel like not calling her or texting is still probably a good idea

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You're probably right about this. It sounds like you want more than she's prepared to give. You need to keep your power in this and decide to end it if the relationship is not meeting your needs.

Have you considered she has a slower pace than yours, and not at the point you want her to be?? It is barely been 3 months, so your still basically just getting to know each other. Either slow down and be patient, or move on to someone closer to your speed.

I know what you mean, tala. I told her repeaetedly I'm not looking for something too serious too fast, but I looking for someone who will care for me and have me be as important to them as they are to me. I'm her BF I'm not her good friend, that she occasionally can hookup with and call me baby... relationships are more than that. I just want to have fun with her, but if she puts everything she can possibley can in front of me, that makes me feel like , that's why I came to her to talk in the first place.. shes terrible at communication, the fundamental thing in a relationship, so its kind of hard to know what she's feeling or thinking

LONG, BUT PLEASE READ!!

I am 19 and have been seeing this girl for 2 months... she is amazing, beautiful, smart, the whole nine yards.. we really got along.. as happy as she may have thought we were, there were a few things building up over the few months.. fundamental relationship things that she didn't do.

1. she never asked me if I wanted to "hang out", come over, come see her none of that.
2. she didn't have me meet any of her friends she had before we started dating.
3. she put everything before me.. school, sorority, friends, events, anything she could put before me she did. Basically, she didn't make time in her schedule for me. I was basically something to do if she wasn't busy with anything else.
4. she didn't communicate with me; about emotions, thoughts, anything

Basically stuff like that..

So I came to her and confronted her about these things, and she had no response.. the day after we talked, she said she needed space to figure out why she wasn't treating me right. I said, because I care for you, take all the space you need.

It wasn't even 24 hours before she texted me saying she missed me and wanted to see me. She came over and we hung out for a few hours, as if nothing were wrong.. when she called me later, I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything that was on her mind. All she said was that she wanted to START OVER. I'm not really sure what this means, but I'm willing to give her a shot. Hell, its better than breaking up.. right now, I'm making her chase me, and see what she lost. Everyone I talked to this about said I should dump her immediately. So, I'm not calling her or texting her, but I'm not ignoring her. Do you think this will work? WHAT SHOULD I DO FROM HERE ON OUT?

On a side note: do you think I moved to fast? I told her I would go at any pace she wanted to, if she just showed me a little bit that I was important to her or that she cared about me and actually was dating me for a reason.

Thanks for all your help in advance

Hey. Well I think you are doing good at playing cool. I don't know why but for some unfortunate reason some people get distant when you always make yourself available. Just be yourself, be nice and when she calls you... don't always be the last person off the phone. Don't always find a reason to get off... but if she wants off the phone.. or something and you don't really want too -- just don't show it hurts you. However, if she's not going to be responsive to your feelings... I would move on and leave before you get more attached. It's not fair for anyone to be treated that way.. .
Just don't make yourself her puppet.
I personally think that they guy should pursue the girl... but I guess this is a special circumstance.

Anyway, I feel like there is more I should tell you... I am so tired right now... lol. Umm so pretty much just don't be at her beck and call... I would give it another month... or if until you can't take it. If things don't change move on. You don't want to play games your whole life. Besides, I can tell you are a little anxious. Seriously, don't loose any sleep over it. God has a plan for your life and he knows your heart. :) Everything will be okay, promise.

Need more replies!! I know its late, so sorry!

Anyone else??

Wasn't the problem created because she didn't show you enough affection? Just because she wants to start over does not mean anything has changed. If you want to continue with her than that's your call, I think you'll find out soon enough if she is being more affectionate towards you.

I woudn't play this delay card, it not representing what is actually going on and that has a way of coming back round in a negative way.

I say if you like her give her a shot and see how it goes, If nothing has changed than you have your answer.

Hope it helps.

Sounds like after only 2 months you want more from her than she is willing to give. Slow down and stop with the selfish expectations, and get to know her better. Did you expect starting a new thread, basically asking the same question would get you different answers?

Maybe not different, but perhaps a few more! Thanks!

Instead of asking her to be more attentive to you, have you asked her how she felt about the relationship overall? Has she said anything like "we're moving too fast" or "you're demanding too much from me"? I'm not saying that you may be imposing too much on her, but there's the possibility that she may perceive it as being just that. And when that happens, it may either be because of some underlying issue on her side or yours.

It seems to me that she's a bit confused about her relationship with you, if she's asking for space, and then coming back to see you so quickly. She's definitely making an effort to fix things since she's honest enough to report about her progress (i.e. telling you she needs space and that you guys should start over). For that, she definitely gets me kudos.

Despite her efforts, I wonder about her methods. It's somewhat flimsy and it's difficult to predict what direction she's going. I don't know if it's appropriate for you to be the one to guide her since it might destabilise the relationship even more, but from what you're saying, it's as if she has a bit of a selfish streak that she may not be aware of. And it's not to do with her deliberately being selfish, but rather she didn't realise that she hurt someone in the process. Don't tell her "you're being selfish" because she will just dismiss it, but see if you can nudge her to see how her actions/inactions can affect those around her.

It's only been 2 months, so try and slow it down if she thinks you're going too fast. It's good that you're bringing up this issue early but I wouldn't recommend bringing up too many of them all in one go. Judge your pace by her reactions.

You have to be very careful not to overwhelm new partners with too much, because your expectations may be to high for them to meet. At the early stages, its best to just have fun getting to know each other, and developing communications. Its hard if they don't seem to have good communication skills, but you have to be a good listener, and pay closer attention. It may be she hasn't gotten comfortable, that's why the fun should be the focus. Does she have a good time? Do you??

Yea, we both have a great time when we are together... but when we aren't, she sometimes acts like she doesn't want to be around me... also, I have talked to her a few times about seeing her one way or another over christmas break, and she has pretty much politely and indirectly said no.. that dpesnt make me feel very good, but I'm going to take everything with a grain of salt and let her set the pace, because obviously, hers is slower than mine, and I think I can adapt better than she can..

Make sure your life is balanced by other things besides her, as we can put too much into partners and neglect other parts of our life that makes us happy.

Another thing that has worried me a bit is that she was more sexually active than me in high school. She had a serious BF for 3 years in high school. The last 2 or 3 days have been great. We have fooled around a few times, and we have laughed and enjoyed each others company. Yesterday, we hooked up early in the evening, and she wanted to come back over to do it again. We haven't had intercourse yet, because I felt lke building a relationship where sex wasn't the highest priority was a good thing. Well right before she came over, I ate a big dinner, and the myth is that if you have to use the restroom badly, its hard to get an erection. Well, that happened and I asked her if we were going to do anything more than foreplay, and she said if it happened, it happened. This made me even more upset with myself, because she was finally ready to take that step and I couldn't perform.. she said it wasn't a big deal at all, and that it was more of a sign that the timing wasn't right. I'm just scared that since I am sexually less experienced than her, she might think I can't fulfull my part of this part of the relationship. Also, whenever we fool around, and we are done, she usually leaves very soon afterward, citing she either has to study, or go to sleep because she was to wake up early. Now the past week and this upcoming week is final exam period, so I'm not questiong her when she has to go. But its just weird. Any insight or comment on this would be great..

Girls, is sex a huge part of the relationship? I kind of feel like I'm getting used, but that may be stretching it. She just usually never sends me msges saying, " i want you sooo bad right now" or "are you ready for round 2?" I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering why the sudden change?

Sorry for taking so long to reply!

I tend to agree with Talaniman and BMI on this one. On the one hand I think it's a bit early in the relationship for such high expectations and on the other hand her wanting to come back to you doesn't mean she has changed. Try to minimise your expectations and keep yourself as busy as she is with other things. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

It's up to you whether you want to give her another chance but I would keep in mind that people are very hard to change. If she wasn't very affectionate before I don't think whe will be affectionate for very long the second time around.

I had a similar problem with my ex and she was telling me that after three months of being apart she has changed bluh, bluh, bluh. After a couple of hours of conversation I realised that she wanted to change but in effect she couldn't cause that's how she is.

I hope I was able to help. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

I have been dating this girl for about 2 months, and she's great. She's beautiful, funny, smart, etc..

Basically, I'm starting to get thhe feeling like I'm trying to hard because I seem to be the only one who is putting forth any effort into the relationship. I know she likes me, she wouldn't be dating me if she didn't. Its not the crazy sex we are having because we haven't had it yet.

One of my friends pretty much summed it up with this example:

To Me: Say you are hanging out with your 5 best friends, having a good time, and she calls you and asks you to go to dinner in an hour; would you?"

To Friend: of course

To Me: now reverse the roles. Would she do the same?

To Her: no, she wouldn't leave her friends to eat dinner if I asked her, but then again, she would never ask me to go to dinner, because she never initiates wanting to see me.

What do I do?

We both go to college, and christmas break started today, so I won't see her for about 4 weeks. A few times, I tried to see if she wanted to get together over the break; I could come see her, she could some see me, anything at all, and of course she indirectly and very politely found a way to say no to any kind of face to face contact over the break. WHY!! If she likes me, she should want to see me right?

As of now, I have decided not to call her, text, her or initiate any kind of contact at all over the break. As hard as this is for me, and its not my nature, I feel it's the only way to get the point across that she can't keep treating me like this.

Do your think this is the right thing to do?
What is her deal?

Is she even worth it?