How do I help my 24 yr. old daughter?!
I don't know what to say or what to do anymore. It saddens me and it is like a heavy burden on my heart. My oldest daughter just recently got divorced (it's not actually final yet) and has moved to the west coast. We are from the Midwest. She went out there to live with an old BF of hers that is in the Marines and stationed there. We have raised our children in the church and the girls attended a private christian school. I do know and realize that each person has to within themselves decide what or if they will choose to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. My daughter also has and eating disorder. When she was here she was seeing a therapist... actually a PHD about her eating disorder and also about the marriage situation. She married at age 19.
Now that she is on the west coast she is not seeing anyone any more because she doesn't currently have insurance and it is too expensive so I'm concerned as well about her health.
She has several other relationships going with men besides the one she is living with. I call and she is seeing someone else.
I am scared for her. For her health, for her relationships, for her spiritual health and everything else. I'm scared to death the next thing she will be offered drugs by one of these men and she will take them as well as long as she is pleasing the man.
She is very attractive and knows she can use her looks as a power play. I know she has low self-esteem and gets her self esteem from men giving her their approving looks.
How do I talk to her? How much do I share my concern? Where do I draw the line? How to I keep it from eating me up and feeling like she is still my responsibility to guide and that I ultimately will be held responsible by God for what she has become? Where are her morals or does she even have them or a conscious anymore?
I talk to her at least 2 times a week. She feels free to share with me what she is doing... her father doesn't know the half. I just listen and bite my tongue. I'm scared that if I question too much or scold her that it will cut off our communication because she doesn't want to be convicted of anything.
I am flying out to see her shortly and will be staying in her apartment with her and the BF who I know. I'm sure he is not aware of the other men on the side. It makes me also sad for him that she is treating him this way. I feel quilty for that too.
I have let her life affect my day and there is nothing I can do about it!
Can you help me ease my burdens? I need some insight to save my daughter from self destruction. It scares me the thought of losing my child.
Thanks for any thoughts, ideas and support!!
To let go is so very hard...
Yes... I keep telling myself when my heart is hurting for my child and when I feel the concern of where she is allowing the world to take her I have to remember to just pray for her. Then I have to let it go and that's the hard part. You want so much for your children to be happy in life, successful in life and to eventually have a wonderful family of their own. That is the storybook life and one that I didn't have for myself but I wanted for my kids.
I just thank God that my daughter does not have children yet.
Thanks for the advice about the BF's. I never know how much to ask and then there is more I know and then more to have on my brain about. I know it is her relationships and she has to answer for them... not me. It's just I start to feel for the ones she uses and leaves behind and has no thought to their feelings. I didn't want to raise her that way. I do believe Eating Disorders have a way of making someone extremely selfish. It is an addiction and has to be treated as such. She is my drama queen. Sometimes when she calls I almost hate to pick up it up... is she having a bad day or a good day?? She can up and down so fast.
I do believe I will ask her if she shouldn't consider seeing someone again about the eating disorder... a counselor or a therapist. I did pay for the one that she was seeing here (after insurance) because she would not have gone because she couldn't afford it, but the therapist was excellent and it was someone other than me that had knowledge on how to deal with the situation.
I know there is so many people in their 20's out there sleeping with whomever, having various affairs, and having no thought to morales and values. They have gone out the window. So then one tends to rationalize our actions then. I feel for young people today and what they have to deal with. I know God must just look down on the world sometimes and cry.
How does one work on relationships with their adult children? How do we loosen the strings and the responsibilities that we feel? I have so much to learn!!
For every action there is a reaction...
My daughter was in a marriage where they both were not mature enough probably. She was wanting the husband to take care of her and provide stablity and protection. He was married to his car and was lazy. She wasn't used to that. He was also emotionally and verbally abusive. I do know that the ED was something she could control and when things were out of control it became would be worse as well as anxiety attacks and depression.
She I'm sure has to go through a cleansing of some sort. I know in my mind I need to allow her to do that and go the road that she chooses and make the mistakes that she does along the way. It seems at times I expect more out of them then I do myself. It's like I don't want them to make my mistakes.
She still wants the safetly and dependence of the BF that she lives with but the fun of having the affections of others. She feeds off it. I'm sure she will have to live the through the drama of what she is creating with all the relationships and lies that she has to tell in order to pull them off.
She is a smart girl and does very well at her work. She is competitive with the other women and sees them as such. Because of this she is better being in an management position.
Thanks again for other words of wisdom!
I think we try and drown out the real issues...
CHERY~ Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for you and can only admire you for the strength you had to have to give up your addiction. There are so many things out there that we can do to ourselves to try and mask the feelings and emotions that we have. I was adopted as well and have just in the past 2 years found out about my background. I'm 48 now. My birth father died from drug and alcohol abuse and almost all the other siblings on my father's side died from the same... especially the alcohol abuse at young ages. I'm wondering that possibly my daughter could have some genetics against her as well. 2 of my half siblings that I have met (we share the same father) are alcoholics and 1 is also into drugs. There is another that I have met as well and he is a recovering alcoholic. None of us have lived with our birth parents and all have issues. Thank God I was spared the alcohol and drugs but I soothed my spirit with food. I always have been over weight. I went through a blame period as well when coming to grips with my daughter's ED that is was because she didn't want to be like her overweight mother. She did tell me once when I asked that it did affect her when I would complain about my weight and how I didn't want to be in pictures because of my weight. So now I'm careful and don't go there in front of her. The other daughters it never bothered.
Do I ask my daughter about going back to counseling? Do I offer to pay for it again if she goes since I know she can't afford it. Would she just be going for me or for herself... I guess I would have to ask her that.
I have assured all my daughters and I know they know it that their mother loves them no matter what. I tell them that all the time. I never talk to them without saying that I love them before I hang up. My other 2 daughters are in college.. the middle daughter graduates in Dec. and the other is a junior and has several years left because she is in pre-vet.
I do believe sometimes that reason I try to hang on to them is because for so long they were my only blood family and because they have been my life. Now I need to find one!! A life that is!!
Sharing, that's what it's all about!
Quote:
Originally Posted by LUVMYDAUGHTER
CHERY~ Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy for you and can only admire you for the strength you had to have to give up your addiction. There are so many things out there that we can do to ourselves to try and mask the feelings and emotions that we have. I was adopted as well and have just in the past 2 years found out about my background. I'm 48 now. My birth father died from drug and alcohol abuse and almost all the other siblings on my father's side died from the same...especially the alcohol abuse at young ages. I'm wondering that quite possibly my daughter could have some genetics against her as well. 2 of my half siblings that I have met (we share the same father) are alcoholics and 1 is also into drugs. There is another that I have met as well and he is a recovering alcoholic. None of us have lived with our birth parents and all have issues. Thank God I was spared the alcohol and drugs but I soothed my spirit with food. I always have been over weight. I went thru a blame period as well when coming to grips with my daughter's ED that is was because she didn't want to be like her overweight mother. She did tell me once when I asked that it did affect her when I would complain about my weight and how I didn't want to be in pictures because of my weight. So now I'm careful and don't go there in front of her. The other daughters it never bothered.
Do I ask my daughter about going back to counseling? Do I offer to pay for it again if she goes since I know she can't afford it. Would she just be going for me or for herself...I guess I would have to ask her that.
I have assured all my daughters and I know they know it that their mother loves them no matter what. I tell them that all the time. I never talk to them without saying that I love them before I hang up. My other 2 daughters are in college..the middle daughter graduates in Dec. and the other is a junior and has several years left because she is in pre-vet.
I do believe sometimes that reason I try to hang on to them is because for so long they were my only blood family and because they have been my life. Now I need to find one!!! A life that is!!!
Girl, (I'm 55), so again girl, you just answered your questions yourself and are not at all wrong about worrying about your children, but just don't carry the whole world on your shoulders to divert from your own problems and fears. Good for you for realizing that there is a chance for life to change once faced. You can ask your daughter is she needs financial support, but if she declines, don't be hurt. This is something she might want to do on her own to prove that you can be proud of her, and to prove it to herself as well. All your girls know what's going on and they have for a long time. Children are like sponges from early on, they assess things on their own and come to conclusions that help them or hinder them from making choices. But just be there for them and most of all yourself - what would you like to do? Have you asked yourself that question at all for the last 20 years? Your children are grown up now, so your focus must be on something else, that's part of it, you miss being there for others because you diverted that from yourself for so long. So, now go for it and check on a few things you'd like to do, it's never too late. Boy, I'm so proud of you, I could just give you a great big HUG!