How do I answer a disrespectful adult daughter who is abusive to me?

2 words:

Restraining order

Call the police, get her kicked out of your house (if she lives with you) and get a restraining order so she's not allowed to come within 100 yards.

That is a sad situation that unfortunately is all too common anymore. Could you elaborate on the circumstances? Is she verbally or physically abusive? Somehow we parents of our generation allowed our children to believe that they were entitled to all the luxuries in life- the car, cell phone, expensive jeans, shoes etc. We in our generation did not normally have really expensive things given to us. We had to work for any extra thing we wanted when I was young, and had the satisfaction of earning it ourselves. Our children don't know what it is like to save for things, they run up credit cards and have it all now. Also, some people allow their children see too much of their personal lives, and they become disrespectful. I don't feel that children should know your personal finances or your love life. They should know that giving birth is painful, caring for a baby is exhausting. Raising a child is hard work. A personal sacrifice of your time, energy, and income. The biggest emotional investment in your life. And that alone deserves respect. Hope my ramblings make any sense. Good Luck to you and your Daughter

Even though I'm only 19 I whole heartedly agree with Cerisa. My parent's as well as my generation take advantage of luxuries you never had so you want to provide for us. Regardless, immediately get a restraining order and maybe down the road you can lift it when you feel it safe to do so. Also, if the abuse is physical I know it will be painful, but you must press charges against her in order for her hopefully to realize that enough is enough. Maybe it will only exacerbate matters, but as of right now something must be done for your own safety if anything. God Bless please let me know what you end up deciding to do. You will be in my prayers.

I have an adult daughter who disrespects me for no apparent reason. It's usually when she is having emotional problems herself. I've tried the idea of "longsuffering" but that doesn't seem to be working for me. I have had her take my grandchild away for periods just because he was up late once when I had him. This is a daughter who I tell I love her and hug her every time I see her. I also pay for her meals and my grandson's meals when they are with me. I think tough love is best for someone like this because I don't think some people really know what love is.

I am sorry, I too am getting it from adult daughter. Last night she called me a fxxxing *****
All because I wouldn't make her ex husband (father of her children) sit on the sidelines at the t ball game; it is insufferable

About my daughter that calls me names.. I am with you.. I don't know what to do. It is horrible, depressing and very sad. I am tired of crying any thoughts

You are replying to a very old thread.

Please post your own new question. You will receive far more answers.

Thanks.

Please help , my daughter aged 36 has been abusing me mentally for nearly 15 years.I really cannot cope anymore, I have no one to turn to.I feel like it would be best not to be here sometimes,I lock myself away in my room and pretend to be out if I can... she doesn't think she has a problem,but she has smashed up my home many times.she has emptied a bag of rubbish over me... the list is endless, I thought once about moving right away from her but I have grandchildren.. my daughter has no conscience, never says sorry, thinks she is right all the time,and people actually agree with her to stop her from kicking off it doesn't take much... she does not relate to the word no, or if she can't get her own way, she kicks off big time she does not care if its in front of children.. I love her , but stopped liking her sometime ago... please believe me when I say I can't take it any longer .I have just been diagnosed with cardiomyopathy... I was advised not to get stressed... no chance!

It seems we all have similar situations.
My daughter recently asked me if she can move home again. She is 22, pregnant and about to be homeless.
She moved back in with me last year when she fell out with her partner and it was a nightmare. She had no respect for me, didn't pay a penny towards her keep, I'm still paying of fuel debts because of her. She is constantly rude to me and doesn't help around the house unless I go about her mess.
I got so depressed in the end that I really felt like taking my own life. I don't really cry much, but when it reached a head, I couldn't stop crying. My daughters reaction was to come downstairs, accuse me of attention searching and laughed in face.
Then she proceeded to tell her father (divorced when she was 3) how I emotionally blackmailing her through my feeling like ending my life.
I don't have a good relationship with him, and he proceeded to tell half the town about my problems, in the most cruel way.
I've told my daughter that she can only move back in if we have a proper talk, in a calm way, to sort out the problems we have, if possible. As I can't put myself through it again.
Now she is moving back in with her Dad and half the town have been told that I refused to give my homeless pregnant daughter a roof over her head.
My real friends know the truth and that's what's important.
I love my daughter and hope we can resolve this respectfully.

Here>s something that will make you feel a whole lot better... I did all that , everything you are talking about, it back fired on me big time, now after reading what you've done ,I wish I had done that to... its the right thing to have done... sod what everyone else says, its got nothing to do with them they were not the ones being treated badly by their daughter, you were,as you can see by what I've written, my daughter is still abusive at age 36... you have done the right thing ,never say sorry... because you were right remember that . I admire you, & I was,nt strong enough to make that stand... & look where its got me.. I,m shutting myself away in my bedroom... live your life.. enjoy your life.take care...

Thanks a lot for your reply, it's made me feel better about my decision,
I nearly caved in today though.. . Fortunately my daughter didn't respond to my messages.
I admire you for trying, it's very brave of you. I don't like the idea of you being locked in your bedroom though.
Is it getting close to the time when you can liberate yourself? Hope you don't mind me asking.
I'm not free of the heart-pain, but I do feel relieved

I have been battling with a disrespectful daughter for at least 16 years, she is now 32. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, diagnosed 12 years ago after suffering for about 12 years. Daughter could not care less. When we were speaking I offered to pay her $15.00 an hour to clean my house, she was unemployed but was too busy. She rebels against everything and not just me. Thinks she knows it all and wants to argue all the time. My Dr. has told me that I have suffered from PTSD at some point in the past and I have to avoid stress. My Mother has witnessed the way she treats me over the years and attempted to talk to her many times. She never apologizes or says she will try to improve but she never denies she is creating problems either. Finally my Mother and I decided we could not take it anymore and she is no longer a part of our lives. This was the hardest thing we ever did. (we went to counseling first) We wrote her letters explaining the situation, it made her more angry. She thinks she is the victim, hummm, just like her Dad who cheated and left me when she was 7, she is not willing to work on the relationship. Her boyfriend is the BIG obstacle in this whole mess and as long as she has him she does not need anyone else. He promised to marry her 5 years ago but that hasn't happened. Don't like him and I think he is a user. For now I am glad to have peace in my life. Have a wonderful relationship with my own mother. It is in God's hands, too big of a problem for me to handle.

I raised my two step daughters like my own for over 15 years, and saved them from their drug addict prostitute mom who abused them,and I never said bad things about their mom,I let them make their own minds up what to do about visiting her (but kept them safe with supervised visits) and as adults,they abuse ME verbally ,call me at all hours to threaten to come to my home and beat me,make vulgar remarks about their little sister who is 17 and lives with me at home,who is a good girl,and I believe they are jealous of her.She does not want to be near them after seeing and hearing how they treat me. My husband cheated for years on me,I forgave him,THEY BLAME ME for his indiscretions and are angry that I moved away with their little sister ,so she would not run into all the women (whores) he cheated on me with . We left to be able to start over and get away from all the bad he caused ,to be able to forgive him. Now he is retired,with us and they cannot stand it. I never said they could not visit,but after the call tonight,I am reluctant to want them anywhere near me or my youngest daughter. He can do as he pleases,they are his daughters from previous marriage, I would never say he could not see his kids. But, if they come to MY home,I want to be able to protect myself from their threats. What do I do ? Thank you in advance for all advice that is helpful ,God bless U

You call the Police when you get threats and you stop referring to your husband as having patronized whores.

How do they know their father cheated?

Your home individually or with your husband?

I ggogled this problem in desperation. Yesterday my 26 year old son who lives with me and my husband expoded at me , cursed at me, smashed his container of yogurt violently at the wall . I was busy preparing Easter dinner in our galley type kitchen at 11:30 am and he had just gotten up and wanted to cook eggs. I said he could not because he would be in my way, he could have toast or cereal. He is university educated and is having difficulty finding a permanent job. He gets short term contracts and then is elegible for unemployment insurance. I adore both my children and have never cursed or sworn at them because that was done to me as a child as well as corporal punishment. I insisted they do as well as they could in their schooling, they had nice things and I welcomed their friends. I paid for their first university degrees. My son pays no rent, he has the use of a car whenever he needs it and he never offers to put gas in it. We paid for a seven week trip to Africa as we felt it would give him confidence. Any groceries he wants he adds to the weekly list, his girlfriend sleeps over most weekends. We have taken them both out to dinner, never is it reciprocal, he does no chores at home, will not keep his room clean and has forbidden me to enter his room (which I do when he is not around). I am afraid of his anger. He sneered at me when I said this. After this incident I said calmly and resolutely you must be out of the house by May 1 unless you are willing to change your behavior and accept rules we are setting down. He says he'll move.
I am quite happy that that is his decision but feel like such a failure as a mother. I thought I was doing everything right, all the things that were never done for me. I am so sad that this has ended this way. Any advise?

I'm so sorry your son's behavior is hurting you this way. My daughter Heather, age 38, also has verbally and emotionally abused me for 20 years.

Heather was "born angry." She has been in therapy, and recently "remembered" that I used to "beat her with a flyswatter." No such thing ever happened! Rather, MY mom used to beat ME with many things, including a flyswatter (in those days they were made of nylon mesh stretched over a metal frame) and a wooden paddle. I told Heather about my abuse, and she somehow internalized the "memory" that I had done that to her. Now she is furious because I won't apologize. I can't apologize, as that would be saying that I did that to her, and I did NOT. Now I am forbidden to have contact with her children. This latest episode was two weeks after I paid her $25,000 college loan for her!

Luckily, I have a decent marriage, good step kids with whom I get along, and a lot of step-grandchildren who love me. I am retired, but I volunteer for several organizations. I started a monthly movie group with friends, I arranged a 4th of July neighborhood party that blossomed into about six different holiday parties yearly, and other similar activities. By reaching outside of myself, I find that I do not need (or indeed, want) a relationship with ANYONE who abuses me, including my own daughter.

When a woman is being abused by a man, everyone agrees she should get out of the relationship. It just recently occurred to me that the same thing should apply to ANYONE who abuses me, including my daughter. It's her loss.

Yes, I am sad that I can't see my youngest granddaughter, but the older one will soon be 18, and is planning to visit us this summer. (She says her mom is a drama queen.)

My advice - expand your world. Try activities until you find a passion (mine are animal welfare and politica). Do everything you can to get outside yourself and make the world a better place. Then it won't bring your entire world crashing down when one miserable person mistreats you.

I hope I don't sound flippant, because I endured a lot of heartache and agony over Heather's rejection of me. I finally just decided it's not worth it. Do I want to spend the rest of my life being abused and walking on eggshells, or do I want to make my life count for something, and prove that I am better than what she thinks of me? No contest. Best wishes, Donna

My daughter who is 25 overeats, over spends, is disprectful, has tantrums, cuts me down about what I wear, how I spend my money, she is jealous I am thin and a beautiful lady. I have been commanding respect and each time I do she treats me like trash and blames me for her emotional problems.

I won't enable her financial mess, I carry medical & dental insuranse for her. I offered to pay for therapy for her, take her to the dentist, help her organize her messy house.

Yet she still treats me like I am trash.

This makes me so sad as a mother.

If this is a question I'd cut her COMPLETELY loose. She's 25 and you drive her around, carry her medical and dental insurance, help her organize her house?

Because you mentioned that you are thin and beautiful I would assume that she is not?

My daughter, now 22, moved 2,000 miles away at age 21 after graduating college last year to live with her long distance boyfriend of 2 years. She got engaged to him, & was married shortly after. I don't have a problem with the fact that when kids move out & marry, your relationship with them changes - I was prepared for that. But right after she got there, she totally changed. She & I had a falling out because she was going to sell the wedding dress we had picked out together. She'd chosen to forgo the small private ceremony she had planned before she left home with our small savings of $5,000 (all we had at the time) for a $40,000 wedding given by her future in-laws (mostly coordinated by her fiancé’s mother.) I had nothing against his parents, they seemed like nice people. But she went out of her way to please his mom because according to her they hadn't had a real wedding of their own, so she wanted to give my daughter & her son one (she also has an older daughter, for whom they threw a large wedding several years ago, as well.) My daughter's fiancé said he didn't want them to have a "sham wedding", so she went along with it. I only wanted her to be happy, but she then blocked our phone # after we had the argument, & tried to convince my husband to leave me (something her fiancé had pulled with his parents a few years back, as well.) But we were a happily married couple, so her plan didn't work. We didn't speak for a few months, & when we started speaking again she began to accuse me of abusing her to the extent of giving her nightmares, showing her "dirty movies," & numerous other complete lies. She cut us out of the wedding, & played "the poor little neglected child with deadbeat parents" to get sympathy. For months now I've eaten humble pie for the sake of keeping the peace. The truth is, though, that we treated her like a queen when she was growing up, & living here while she attended 4 years of college. My husband & I hardly ever fought with her because we always gave her what she wanted, so there was no reason to. She & I did have an argument occasionally, mostly because of her terrible temper. She once told my husband to "f**k off," slamming his car door & making a scene. A month ago, she started a fight on the phone & hung up on us. We haven't heard a word from her since. My husband & I have both been to counseling, & were told she may be controlled by the husband & his family, or going through a phase. We have considered the possibility she may be drinking, since she was always "her father's daughter," & this could account for the radical personality change. Her husband didn't like me because when she lived here she would tell me how mean he was to her, & I confronted him about it on a few occasions (upon which he was livid.) Aside from being concerned for her wellbeing, since she has also weakened her ties with other family members besides us, I'm inclined to follow the advice of my sister, & sister-in-law (who up until 2 weeks ago, communicated with her sometimes) to let her go & not contact her to see if everything’s okay with her. We sent her a "future Mother's Day" gift as a kind gesture, but I'll be surprised if I even get a card from her. This is the same girl who always told me I was the best mother in the world when she lived here, also telling my husband & me she'd never forget about us - now she claims she made that up. My husband & I feel so lost. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.