Hi, My problem is my 19 year old son. He graduated high school a year ago. He lives at home but does not work or help around the house, He is rude and does not follow my house rules. I`m a single mum with 3 other kids at home ages, 18, 16 & 15.He drinks, smokes pot and sneaks his 17 year old girlfriend in to sleep over after I`ve gone to bed. ( I work 6 -7 days a week and have to get up early for work & also have a small farm to run) If I confront him on any of these problems , he swears at me and disparages me, my home and job. He comes and goes as he pleases. I`ve asked him to leave, given ultimatums to no avail - how do I enforce them? He has no where to go after a few days at various friend's houses and ends up here. It`s causing problems & fights and is not good for the other kids who are pretty well behaved. I don`t really want to go to court or the police but I`m sick of it and not helping him by allowing him to laze around and have no goals or plan ( or job) He has no respect for me at all. The police have called looking for him and asked him to call them back, I relayed this info and he could`nt be bothered to call them back. I asked the officer what it was regarding and they said they would rather talk to him. Do I need to go to court to get him to leave or work and , if so, what do I do? Thank you in advance for your answers...

If he is bringing illegal substances into your home maybe its time to call the police and let them handle it. If you don't then you can have everything taken away including your other children. Start there. He has to be on his own two feet or he will never learn if you always accept him back.

I'm only 13 but it sound like you have a lot on your hands... I'm guessing they reason he's like this is because he may be in need of a father figure... I'm not sure when you because sngle but boys do end up suffering without a father. I would suggest going ot court.. you wouldn't wan him doing anything he would regret. I would most definitely consider showing him what he would lose if he keeps up these habits. Try getting him into something he likes... or have him do some servies for the state... but #1 I would say definitely get the police involved.

Sounds like you need to let him know who's boss! Are you his main source of finances? Don't give him any money. And if necessary, yes, call the police.
Sometimes a bit of tough love is very necessary.

Throw him out!

It's called tough love.

If you constantly give and give, he will never become an independent adult, just someone who feeds off others.

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Originally Posted by nhmum

Do I need to go to court to get him to leave or work and , if so, what do I do?

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Hello n:

Yes, you do. He's a resident/tenant. He needs to be evicted according to your states landlord/tenant act. We have all the states laws at the top of the real estate page on a "sticky note". However, the process in MOST states starts with a written 30 day notice to vacate, or a law suit will be initiated. Write it just like that - short, sweet and to the point. Keep a copy. If that doesn't get him to leave, file your claim. It isn't expensive, and you'll have a hearing probably within two weeks. You'll win. Then you have the sheriff literally PUT him out.

excon

PS> (edited) Uhhhh, NO. I would not SNITCH on my own son! He smokes POT, for crying out loud, like MOST of you have before...

First of all set him down and tell him what his options are. Don't yell or scream.

Lay down the rules and enforce them.

It will be hard not to yell. What do you want him to do?

Make a list of the changes he has to make.

Bad behavior should have been nipped in the bed when it started.

No child should disrespect their parents.

I think that you should ask him to leave. Regardless if he has a place to stay or not. It is called tough love, but if you keep him at the house long enough it will get worse. I am currently 19, left my fathers house well over a year ago had no place to go, no money in the bank because my dad took it all away. I jumped from house to house, even stayed in a park for a week, eventually found places on craigslist. Since I had a job it was some what easier, but still hard. I now live in my own two bedroom apartment with my girlfriend. Have recently gained custody over my 15 year old sister because my mother passed in 05 and father was recently incarcerated. I believe that you should kick him out on his butt. If he won't leave call the cops. Regardless if he yells and screams and threatens you, "CALL THE COPS"! Do not pursue going to court for it would hurt you mentally in the long run. If you have to pack up all his clothes in a bag when he isn't home, put them out front. Change all the locks on the doors and lock all the windows. DO IT. Do not let him come back to live with you ever. If you feel that this is too harsh, tell him to find a job and at-least pay for his own needs and uses.

The greatest danger in parenting is operating in fear. Woman he is not your husband and you have control over him as your CHILD - whether he be 5 or 35. The influence and presentation of that "control" changes through the years but is the same and in place.
Would you accept that behavior from a husband? If not, then why would you from your son?
You cannot operate in fear thinking, "I can't loose my son as well and if I am "harsh" he may just leave and I will never see him again". This is fear! You cannot parent from a place of fear.
He knows it and has manipulated you to the "t".
If drugs and the like are involved - call the police as you would with your husband or even boyfriend.
If he is abusive - same thing call the cops - you would not expect that from your husband or boyfriend.
Essentially BOTTOM line - remember YOU are preparing him to be a husband, and Father. The young girl above has great wisdom - he may need a father figure in his life.
Man's need to lead and control comes into play in his age and if not reered properly can become abusive.

Oh and if you ak him to leave and enforce it - change the locks! And if he comes and causes a mess call the cops..
Will be upset at first ABSOLUTELY! But he will come around.