My sister-in-law recently came to me for advice. I really didn't know what to tell her. She told me that she has never had sex with her boyfriend of 5 years. They have lived together and slept in the same bed for the last 4 years. She said that she had tried to encourage sex, but he always says no. He told her two different stories. First, he said that he had an ex girlfriend who was obsessed with sex and it made him afraid of sex. Then, he said he was against premarital sex. Then he said he was a virgin. So obviously, he was lying at least one time. He doesn't work, and she works two jobs to pay the rent. His parents are paying for his college, where he has been a full time student for 7 years and still doesn't have any degree whatsoever. She told me she thinks they haven't had sex because she feels she is fat and ugly. Nothing could be further from the truth. She is a beautiful person with a great personality. I am worried this relationship is damaging her self esteem. She said she would be fine with no sex, if they were engaged and waiting to be married. He has already said he doesn't want to get married anytime soon. She recently found some stuff on the computer. Apparently, he has been going to gay chat rooms and porn sites. She confronted him about this and he said that he isn't gay and it was for a school project. She told me she won't leave him for being a verbally abusive, unemployed, couch potato because she doesn't think she can get anyone else. What can I tell her to let her know that, whether she cares about sex or not, she deserves better than this guy? She is afraid to be alone. Does it sound like he could be gay? He has very strict parents who would be upset if he came out. I can't help but wonder if this is the case. Any ideas?

Something doesn't sound right and he is not being honest with her. I have a feeling if she did marry him all she would get would be more of the same. Keep encouraging her that she deserves better and maybe even try and help her to find better. If he would be up front about why and she wanted to stay with him that would be one thing but he is apparently hiding something.

Mmm he sounds gay and that is his "safety net" (sleeping with a woman-literally. If he was afraid of sex soooner or later he would feel okay enough for some touching-I think he is fooling himself and so is she-they need to find other partners-I'm sorry, but I get the feeling that 5 years is waaay tooo long.

Peggy, the man is gay. You need to find some way to get your sister-in-law to understand that she is being used by this guy. He is living off her and his parents. Ask her what it is about the guy that makes it worthwhile for her to stay with him. Sit her down and start a list of Pros & Cons. Take a piece of paper, putting the Pro heading on the left of the page, and the Con heading on the right. Help her with it. I can tell you that one of the "Cons" is that by living with this man, she is closing herself off to other opportunities. I think if you approach this rationally and logically and she has a list in front of her in which the Cons far outweigh the Pros, she might find the determination to cut him loose. Get your husband on board to help out with this. You both need to gently tell her how much better off she would be without this guy in her life. Tell her how great she is, how attractive she is, what a wonderful & giving person she, and that she WILL find someone worthy of her. Her self worth is definitely in jeopardy. She needs to understand that a relationship/marriage without sex is not a relationship/marriage.

Sounds to me like he's gay and is using her for a free ride