Hi,

Me and my wife have been married for 8 years, and last week I found out she is in love with another man through the internet. She was always a chatter, but I was getting suspicious.
She always used to get up one hour before work, but lately it had been 2 hours.
And one day I woke up to use the bathroom, she was out of bed, chatting.
“Oh that’s just a friend” she said.
I was getting worried, I just got that feeling that something was wrong, and last week after she went to bed, I snooped in her laptop.
There were signs already. I used to know all her e-mail passwords and she never had a problem with me checking it. Not that I did, but it never bothered her.
But when I tried to get in that evening, I found she had changed all her passwords.
The one thing I was able to do, was enable all chat logs on her messengers.

The next morning she got up, 2 hours early and went online to chat.
As soon as I heard the car leave, I got up and found the logs.
And my suspicion was confirmed, she is in love with another man.
As soon as I found out, I called her cellphone, and she turned around, came home crying and sobbing. She told me how sorry she was, and how bad she felt for me.
For a long time she had been trying to get my attention and appreciation, which, according to her, I didn’t give. Now I know I have made mistakes, and I am guilty of not always being a good listener, or helpful in the things she did.
She also told me that she wasn’t ready to give him up.

She always had friends to chat with, and I was OK with that, I have friends on my messengers too. But one of her friends turned out to be a little more than just a friend.
He is a married 41 yr old from Germany and we live in the US. They fell in love.
She said it had been going on for about a month, that it was becoming more than a friendship. Now he even calls her at work.

When she got home that morning, she told me that if she had to choose, she would choose herself and live by herself. And that was not I wanted, and still not want. If she moved out, I know for a fact that she’d still be chatting with him.

I found out the next Friday how serious this is.
His wife tried to commit suicide and my wife told him, it’s over.
I couldn’t have been happier. But I wasn’t cause I saw the hurt and pain in her eyes.
All day long she was sobbing and crying in bed. And when I tried to hug her, she pushed me away. Later that evening she got on the computer, and they got back together.
Her mood changed almost instantly.

It has been a extreme hard week. Everything is a big “I don’t know” for her.
She doesn’t know who she wants, she doesn’t know what she wants.
Yesterday morning she got some bad news about him.
He had been seriously injured in a car accident, and was hospitalized.
She was really upset about this. To make things easier between us, I asked if she could stop seeing me as a husband but as a friend. She sobbed and nodded yes, and than came to me for a hug. It’s far from perfect, but I love her so much that I will go through hell and back for her. If I had only shown it sooner.
It is really hard to be a friend and seeing her chat with him.

I feel I am losing my mind, and at times I honestly don’t know what to do.

There are three main reasons I simply cannot give up:
- My daughter who is 5
- My step son who is 13
- My wife

Those 3 are my life, and I will not give up without a fight.
I feel like it’s a do or die situation.and it feels at times that I am losing.
It’s hard, very hard. It’s the only thing on my mind.

I know a week isn’t a long time, but I could definitely use some help.
And please, kicking her out is the absolute last thing I’ll do, and I am not there yet.

This relationship spans an ocean, and so far is only vocal. It seems his voice/words are giving her something she needs... figure her needs out, and you may have a chance. Perhaps she has confided in someone you can ask...

Honestly, In my opinion. There are many people who consider chatting on messenger becoming strong in a relationship. It is more of an emotional affair then a physical. The fact is this other person is in Germany and you both are in the us. It is an unrealistic emotional attachment to somebody that your wife and this other person will probably never ever meet. Do you know what I am saying here? She is not looking by the sounds of it, for physical attachment but more of the kind of emotional support. Communication is the key in the relationship and you need to find ways to be her only support. It is commandable that your in for the long haul and just a bit of advice. I know your willing to do whatever to hold on to your wife but there is that balance. You try to hold on to her way too tight and that might push her away more. You just being a friend and reassuring her that you want to be there with her without any pressures and I am sure as you have noticed it is a start to becoming closer to her emotionally.

I wish you the best in your future with your family.

Joe

You realize your mistakes now it is time to make up for them
The Tim McGraw song Live like you are dying
Make it Love her like you are dying--don't take her for granted anymore.

She keeps saying, "I need space and time".
I have tried to love her as I was dying and running out of time, but that got to be too much for her. I made her her fav breakfast, went to her work to have a cigarette with her.
And I'd be IM'in her all the time, and it was just too much. And that didn't do us any good.
I so bad want to be with her all the time, hold her, and tell her it's going to be OK, but she needs her space, and time.

Jesus helper, you are right. She said that now that I am her friend, it's easier to talk to me, and I really like that. And I am trying not to hold on too tight, but it's hard.
And you are also right about this not being a physical relationship.
All of this is emotional. It's in her mind and heart, and it is up to me win all that back.
The problem simply is, I don't know how and I don't know if it will ever work.

Last night was kind of hopeful though. She said "I do love you, but I don't know if I can get the feelings back that I used to have for you".

I feel so tore though.
One part of me says, leave for awhile and avoid any contact. That way she might realize what she had and might miss me. But than also, she has free reign to chat and talk with him as much and as long as she wishes.

The other part is me saying to myself "I need to stay here, and she needs to stay here, that way I can be here for her when she needs me".
Every little thing I can do for her, may be a small step closer to her heart.

I am taking it one day at a time, small steps.

Btw, are there any books you can recommend? I looked at one it's called:
"Save your marriage, even if only you wants it".
It looks good, but looks can be deceiving.

I will try and keep posting updates here how we are progressing or declining.

Thank you all for posting.

Love her as a friend and give her enough space to sort things out.

There is finding that balance of what you want and what she wants. She just wants you to be a friend and be there to listen to her. Be that friend for her. That is all for now. That is how most friendships turned lovers start is by being friends. The trick is to always try to find that balance and always be that friend when she needs it.

As far as the messenger and chat, you can not really play police officer right now, because that might push her further into that emotional attachment. Like you said one day at a time.

Simply continue just being her friend and giver her enough space to sort things out as NOhelp4u has stated.

Wishing you both the best and hope you do keep us updated. I do not have any books to recommend you but I think personally if you feel the need for help in this area, counseling would be best. Just to sort out your thoughts and ways of looking at things to improve on your reactions that could potentially intern help the whole relationship together.

Joe

Well it has been a month now, and things do not look great.
It seems like we're on eggshels with each other, and have fought a lot lately.

I am trying so hard to give her her space, but that is really hard.
We have reached a decision to be separated for awhile, until we both feel things can get good.

Im so sorry for what has happened.. maybe this time apart can help both of you work on your problems. I suggest you take counceling for your problems.. it will help you figure out why you were the way you were with her so you don't make the same mistakes again. Good luck and continue to keep up posted.. you're in my prayers.

I think that space apart is better than living with her and setting your feelings aside in order to make her happy. That was unhealthy. How can you sit back and watch the one you love love someone else and continue to talk to someone that's a threat to your marriage? That was a bad idea.

Time apart will give you time to clear your head and in time you will see if the marriage is fixable. I know you love her and want it to work for the kids and you love them as well but your wife is emotionally attach to someone else. That party wife is hurting too and it seems he don' care either. I can only image if he did not live in Germany what could have happen but distance kept them from meeting nothing else.

Talk to a counselor to help cope with what your going through and help ease your mind. I wish you luck and sorry that this had to happen but I think you're a strong man that tried to do what right even when you were not the person doing wrong, that fact alone speaks volume about your character. There's always a rainbow after a rainstorm and you'll survive because you're a survior.

I'm in the same situation now... I didn't give my wife enough attention, said some awful things, didn't show enough affection, etc... and recently I discovered that my wife of 4.5 years is chatting with a guy from Australia (we are in slovakia). She told me they are just really good friends, but she called him yesterday before work. My wife has told me that she doesn't love me, has no interest in me, doesn't know if she will ever love me again. She doesn't know what she wants. I know she has emotional feelings for this man, he's 36, my wife is 25, but my wife keeps saying no, that they are just friends. I know I haven't been there enough for her which caused her to confide in this person. I don't know what approach to take. I told her nicely that I am here for her as well if she needs someone to talk to, as well, I said I don't mind her emailing occasionally, but 2-3 emails a day + chat, and now she called him, it's just getting too much for me.

This is just a brief description of my problem. It sounds very similar to yours Wietsed, so could you keep me updated on your situation?

Thanks

Good luck to you, and me as well