I will try to make this as short as possible, but I want to make sure I give an unbiased account of what's going on:

My girlfriend and I have known each other for over 12 years now (we're friends too) and have dated off and on throughout that time for periods of 6 months to even a year. We always end up mutually ending the relationship, but a few years down the road we end up back together again. We really enjoy eachother's company and our personalities mesh very well which is why it usually works out for so long I'm guessing. Anyway, our sex life hit a little bump recently and we haven't done the deed for over a month now, and I could tell it was really bothering her. I was a little miffed at her lack of effort recently to make advances on me, to get me in the mood, so I just sort of stopped initiating things. I wanted to talk to her about it but I also wanted to wait for the appropriate time to do so...

That aside, one weekend I was exhausted from working on a construction project, so I suggested I spend the weekend to myself so I could just rest and relax; she could go out with her friends who she hadn't seen in a while etc. This threw her off the deep end, and she ended up ignoring me for a week before finally seeing me on a Sunday evening... and only Sunday evenings for the next couple of weeks. Things began to feel weird after that, as if she was pushing me away. I suspected she thought I had cheated on her that weekend to myself, as it wouldn't be the first time she's suspected that of me (and was wrong every time mind you). I attempted to ask her about everything, why she was so distant, why did she disappeared for a week, can we talk about it. It only ever ended up in defensive argument from her side and she never really answered anything. 5 days ago we argued again when she asked to go biking the following weekend, but failed to include the fact that I have to buy her a bike, a bike rack, a helmet, everything essentially. Normally I wouldn't mind but my money is tight as I lost my job recently and have a mortgage to pay, so I got kind of upset and tried to suggest she help out a bit here. Things escalated and we eventually brought back up the whole previous argument about her ignoring me for a week.

It ended with me telling her how I felt hurt when she did that, and her responding that she is ''her own person'' and essentially doesn't have to explain herself to me or anyone, then she hung up. Since then I haven't heard from her, and I'm not sure if I should call or not. I personally feel she owes me at least some answers if not an apology. I try very hard to make her happy, despite the stressful situation I'm experiencing in life right now. I'm also afraid that we both have so much stubborn pride that neither of us will call each other back because we both feel the other person is in the wrong. I'm worried we'll eventually just drift apart or something... how can I go about this in a mature way? I haven't always been the best at resolving heated situations...

:(

I don't think its over yet.

Give it some time for you guys to cool off, than approach her in a mature calm manner and solve it like adults.

I don't see this relationship lasting nor working. You knew each other for 12 years but only been in a relationship for 6 months to a year but broken up a number of times.

Maybe you two are better of being friends instead of together because this relationship is lacking a lot but mostly communcation.

The two of you don't know how to talk to one another in a mature, civil, and open way. The two of you keep things bottled in and let it out once you angry with each other. Not healthy! It's never good to talk to each other when your upset because all the build in frustrations can make you say things you will regret.

Also, bringing up the past is never good. If you have a problems discuss it as it occurs, never wait or put it out until the next problem occur. Or if you talked about it don't bring it back up.

Now I don't know what things you have did or brought for your girlfriend in the past but some how I think you spoiled her. That's why she don't understand the word no nor accept it. She don't know to compromise and expects you to jump at her wants not needs. The whole bike thing is childish but again I don't think this is the first time that you seen her react this way.

I really think your better off by yourself or with someone else. In order for this relationship to work there are going have to be a lot of changes. Her temper tantrums got to go and is uncalled for.

I think its very clear that when things are great the are very great, but when they are not its horrible.

After all this time together, 12 years, neither of you has a clue as to how to resolve conflict between you. So back to the off again cycle of this friendship.

The lines are blurred as to the boundaries and limits of this relationship, and quite frankly its more friends with benefits, and though its easy to enjoy the good times, you don't know how to work together during the bad times.

You both know this, and that makes it easy to break up, let the dust settle, and start the process all over again.

Has either one of you dated others in this time? (12 years), or is this an exclusive continuous cycle between you??

Hey, thanks for all the advice. My girlfriend and I have not been exclusive to each other throughout the 12 years we've known each other. Only one time did we break up to see other people though, but usually it happens when we're not together at the time. It doesn't ''appear'' to affect us in any way that we can see for ourselves. However, she's the only girl I've ever met that I can feel comfortable with in this situation. Any other time I've tried, it just doesn't work for whatever reason.

Anyway, that aside, I watered down my pride enough to leave her a voicemail yesterday first by saying I was sorry we both had a fight, being careful to not say sorry for what I said (as advised by a friend), then offering up the chance to talk things over. Within a few hours I got a text message saying she wants to meet up at my place this Saturday to talk. I must have done something right, even if she's going to deliver me bad news on Saturday, because normally I have to twist arms after a fight to get a response out of her. I really think that the few days we spent not talking allowed us to cool off properly, which is probably where we've gone wrong in the past.

I hope all goes well Saturday, and we can make up, but most importantly, I hope her and I can begin resolving our communication problems. I'm going to try to focus mostly on that when we talk rather than bringing up the details of our fight the other week (which frankly, when you think about it, aren't really worth bickering over).

What do you think? Talk and try to discover the underlying cause of our tension, or try and rectify what was argued over?

Your side is but half of the communications issue. What she wants to say is the other half, so there is no telling what direction this will take.

Just be ready to listen to her side, would be my advice.

A nerve racking 24 hours to go... if anyone wants I can post an update as to how things went the day after...
<crossing fingers>

Post your update... we are all interested and wish you the best!

Np, will do. I just spoke with my father... the last resort when it comes to relationship advice. I do have to take his with a grain of salt because he's divorced but I think he gave me some good pointers to consider for tomorrow. I can only wait and hope that when we finally meet up to talk that she feels the same towards me as I do her. I'm prepared for that not being the case, but for once I'd really love it if her and I knew the feelings were mutual


Will update by Sunday at the latest! Wish me luck! :D

Thanks again, everyone

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blacke87

Will update by sunday at the latest! wish me luck! :D

thanks again, everyone

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Good Luck.

One bit of advice: get it settled finally. Over a decade of on-again off-again is way too long.