Hello,
My mother in law passed away on March 6, 2009 (03/06/09) and it was very tragic. She had a massive brain aneurysym, followed immediately by a massive stroke - there was no chance she was going to make it.
My boyfriend, myself and the rest of his family (his dad, sister, brother and his mothers best friend) were by her side while she was on life support fighting for her life - we were holding onto the slight hope that she would pull through this tragedy, as the doctors operated immediately to try and stop the bleed and we thought that "if they are operating, they must think she'll pull through" - but we were wrong.
She was removed from life support on Friday March 6th 2009 - with all of us by her side, we watched her take her last breaths, last eye flutters, last foot shakes and she was gone...
My boyfriend and I live 2000 miles away from his family and are not around the rest of the family that often and I am concerned about my boyfriend a lot. He has yet to cry with me about losing his mother and he has said that "I really feel sorry for the first person who pissess me off" and this worries me.
I tell him often that if he needs to/wants to talk - I am here for him always, but nothing!!
Now we are 7 months later and he has yet to have the "break down" with me and I am concerned that he is holding things in and then one day he's just going to... do something silly.
Help!! Which way do I go with this??
I love him so much and want to help him. I have suggested counselling and he is in no way interested in that - so now what do I do??
Please Help Me!!

I am a widow so I know a little bit about the grieving process but I will say that it depends on the person and it varies.

I don't see a problem with him not breaking down. Not everyone does. You also cannot force him to talk to you about his loss and his grief. Maybe he's not comfortable talking about it, maybe he's a person who keeps it all inside.

If you are honestly afraid that he is going to do "something silly" then you must get some help. If he won't go for counselling, then you will have to go by yourself.

As I said - everyone handles grief in a different manner and there is no right or wrong way.

Try having an alcoholic boyfriend who loses his mother. I was there for him and he then showed up to the church and cemetery with another woman, and later told me that she was 'there' for him after his mother died.. and I Wasn't? I was there! Hello!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by beautyme

Try having an alcoholic boyfriend who loses his mother. I was there for him and he then showed up to the church and cemetery with another woman, and later told me that she was 'there' for him after his mother died.. and I Wasn't? I was there! hello!

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How is this helpful to the person who asked for help?

If you are having problems with your situation you should open a thread and start it there.

I'm a widow - other people's horror stories were NOT helpful to me.

Dear Jackey,
Sometimes it's easier (especially with men) to turn pain--into anger. What can we do with pain but feel it? But anger--we can react to and that is a release. Maybe at some point he is going to "blow a fuse" and release a lot of energy... better out than in! After he does, he just might (then again might not) finally be able to break down and cry--and feel the "real" feeling--which is loss and grief. You're kind to be concerned. Let him be. Because he's got the feelings switched around (which is what is comfortable for HIM right now) your efforts to "help" may seem condescending and irritating. Does that make sense? What he might like though--is for you to ask him about some of his favorite memories of his mom. He may like to talk about her. If he resists--again, let him be... he has to do this in his own time.
Take care. I wish you the best.

I completely sympathize with your current situation. My boyfriend's mother passed 8 months ago leaving him completely unshielded from the world "his words." In the mean time, I tried every measure to keep him from sinking into his depression. After 3 months, I finally suggested he spend more time building himself back up. Having dealt with the loss of a loved one myself, I know everyone grieves in their own way. My best advice is to reassure him that he is loved by many. Let him know that you'll be there if he every needs to a shoulder. And most important, provided a secure environment so that he'll feel comfortable opening up. I know it's a bit clique, but time does heal All wounds. It may take years for him to finally accept the death of his mother. But with the support of family, friends and you, the road to his acceptance will be much easier. My heart goes out to you...