Ask Me Help Desk - How to handle false accusations?

Hi. I am new here. I like this site so far. My name is actlikemywife because that is my husbands saying as I act inappropriately according to him. I do love him, but never can fix him. Here's why:

I have tried everything from reassurance to hysteria to counselling to separation to reconciliation. I am worn out. I am irritated (the few days he is home) by assumptions, jealous outbursts, to the point where I know I am being gaslighted and his projections are just diversions so he could go party without guilt. I am constantly defending myself. It is endless, exhausting and humiliating and escalates to him leaving for weeks at a time, saying I "threw him out." When he turns back up, everything I did to survive while he was gone is "manipulating behind his back." Today I was accused loudly in public of having a boyfriend (because I wanted to go rake leaves without him.) :eek:

Crazy making stuff, huh?: "Where were you? Why did it take you 7.59 kilominutes to get here? Did you stop and meet your boyfriend? Let me see your cell phone. How did you spend your money...are you on drugs?" No, but I definitely am on trial, not in a relationship that's going to last. Maybe there is a tiny nanofraction of truth in some of what is said; the WAY it is said it is so overwhelming to myself esteem to think my partner would even bother to aggravate me with ongoing ridiculousness, I have been patient with it, I feel the urge to break out of "jail" and run like hell. Yesterday, I asked for a divorce. I really don't want a divorce. Would just like to know how some of you might respond?

Trust is the very foundation of any relationship and if the trust not there is no relationship. Leave tonight and file for a divorce later.

I'm actually scared for you; your husband is very unstable and emotionally disturbed. You don't ask for a divorce you leave and send divorce papers. I don't think anyone could but up with the abuse and I'm surprised you actually did for so long. Counseling only works when both parties want to make changes for the marriage to work, I don't think you husband thinks there is a problem.

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Leave tonight and file for a divorce later.

That's the best advice, and don't look back, and enjoy your freedom, from this abusive slob. I'm surprised you DON'T do drugs, or drink like a fish.

Since you have tried the counseling, and all the rest, what is there left to do, really? How much more will you allow yourself to endure? I agree with the idea of considering leaving, but would say get your ducks in a row first. Have a plan in place... speak to a lawyer asap. You need to be knowledgeable about the laws where you live, your finances, etc.. Hope for the best, but expect it to get ugly and plan accordingly... surround yourself with family and friends once you make a decision.
With all of his bravado, it makes me wonder what he is up to himself when he is gone for weeks at a time out "partying". The guilty often offer the best offense of throwing around accusations first.
One thing that is important to give some thought to... you may love him, but that does not make him the best partner for you.

I have found that people who tend to accuse a lot are usually feeling guilty about something and this is a way to make them feel better about it, to accuse you. Add that on top of being unstable and what an awful situation.

Hope all works out well for you

I agree with jkh. When guys are so insecure, accusing and not trusting they are usually the guilty party. They treat you like this so that they feel everything is fine because they projected the fault onto you instead. When guys go looking for an argument so they can have it as an excuse to leave it is a pattern they are not going to break. They see no reason to change because they see you as the one with the problem. The more he can get you to feel like maybe there is some truth to what he is saying the more he can and will manipulate you. Do not give in to accepting his behavior as your fault.
When my x would start with the arguments I would leave the room and let him have a one sided argument. He would still leave and still have an attitude against me but at least I did not participate.
People say it takes two to argue but this type of guy can have a full fledged argument with himself and play his side and your side and YOU ALWAYS come out the loser in his eyes.
All you can do is ignore him and let him do what he wants cause he is going to anyway.
In the meantime don't give in to seeing any of it as you being the problem. He is the one that has the problem.

Get out of there. You are married to a person who is very confused. If you stay, he may well convince you that you are the reason for his confusion. Don't let the crazy-maker stir you around any more, in this pot of his very own insanity soup. Go. Now.

.

Constant blame games and checking on your every move and threatening to leave you and blaming you for him being gone are forms of emotional abuse. RUN... trust me on this one. It will only get worse... and I am speaking from experience. I just had my soon to be ex, arrested for Domestic violence after putting up with the SAME accusations for 8 yrs... it will only get worse. You'll feel like walking on egg shells as long as you're with someone like that. HE needs help. You need support.

Get the divorce... I hadda boyfriend just like what your describing, turns out I wasn't the problem his paranoia and abusiveness was !

Wow. What awesome answers. 24 hours I have not seen him. I am in my glory. It was a beautiful day! I prepped 2 whole acres of property for flowers! I had such a good time. I had lunch with my daughter and an old friends estate... (I usually don't like ham, but this was Boar's Head Black Forest on a subroll with spicy mustard and tomato!)... she just wrote a trilogy of books, titled "Ruin" We had interesting conversation. I did not hear any negativity. It was all good... I got paid, I hung out. Thank you all for reaffirming the reasons I've come to this decision I've got to move on. I've decided to go to LPN school in a few months, once gardening season is over, and in only 10 months I can become a travelling nurse. Doesn't that sound cool? I am outgoing and caretakers often hook up wit abusive types. I am far far far from being a victim... doesnt have a place in the design I have for my life, so I told him to f.o.

As just about anyone on this web can tell you I rarely advocate separation or divorce. However in your situation for your own mental and physical safety it is time for one of you to go.

He won't for sure because he sees or is trying to make you the offender. When it is safe for you to leave take what's most valuable to you and scoot.

Visit an attorney and file for a protective order and divorce. There is not one earthly reason for you to stay and continue to be the target of abuse, warranted or unwarranted.

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Originally Posted by actlikemywife

Hi. I am new here. I like this site so far. My name is actlikemywife because that is my husbands saying as I act inappropriately according to him. I do love him, but never can fix him. Here's why:

I have tried everything from reassurance to hysteria to counselling to separation to reconciliation. I am worn out. I am irritated (the few days he is home) by assumptions, jealous outbursts, to the point where I know I am being gaslighted and his projections are just diversions so he could go party without guilt. I am constantly defending myself. It is endless, exhausting and humiliating and escalates to him leaving for weeks at a time, saying I "threw him out." When he turns back up, everything I did to survive while he was gone is "manipulating behind his back." Today I was accused loudly in public of having a boyfriend (because I wanted to go rake leaves without him.) :eek:

Crazy making stuff, huh?: "Where were you? Why did it take you 7.59 kilominutes to get here? Did you stop and meet your boyfriend? Let me see your cell phone. How did you spend your money...are you on drugs?" No, but I definitely am on trial, not in a a relationship thats going to last. Maybe there is a tiny nanofraction of truth in some of what is said; the WAY it is said it is so overwhelming to my self esteem to think my partner would even bother to aggravate me with ongoing ridiculousness, I have been patient with it, I feel the urge to break out of "jail" and run like hell. Yesterday, I asked for a divorce. I really dont want a divorce. Would just like to know how some of you might respond?

Now for the other perspective.

I'm a guy. And when I was newly wed, I was fraught with insecurity. My wife worked, I was constantly worried about the other guys hitting on her and my imagination just went nuts.

So? How did I change? I turned my life to God. In doing so, I realized that I couldn't be everywhere at once and if my wife decided to leave me or whatever, I still had someone who loved me. God.

It almost sounds as though I gave up huh? Well, I did. I put my marriage in God's hands. If I had continued on my silly immature ways, I would certainly have driven my wife to divorce as apparently your husband is driving you.

So, assuming that you once thought this guy was worth your giving your life for and assuming that he truly loves you and is not simply making excuses to get away and party. If you still think so, and if you both consider your marriage worth fighting for, I recommend this book:

The Good News about Sex and Marriage
Good News About Sex and Marriage, Books and Bibles, Catholic Marriage, Sacraments at The Catholic Company

I believe its an excellent book written for regular people which revealse God's will for man and wife in Holy Matrimony.

I believe this author has classes online:

TheologyOfTheBody.net - Home

May God bless you and restore your marriage to the one flesh union that it was meant to be.

Matthew 19 5 For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh.

Sincerely,

De Maria

[QUOTE=De Maria]
So? How did I change? I turned my life to God. In doing so, I realized that I couldn't be everywhere at once and if my wife decided to leave me or whatever, I still had someone who loved me. God.

After I posted this, I found 3 condoms in with my husbands tools. He said they were there. Of course he did not know where they came from. I am glad you changed your life, but the significance is you made a change. I have bent over backward and am tired of living with guilt based upon my religious upbringing (please I mean no offense here) that is keeping me stuck with losers who are BAD BAD BAD for me and my kids. He obviously had INTENT at the very least, so he is accusing ME based upon how HE operates, you see. I am very depressed again for the moment... Intuitively I KNOW that I have been used in a big way... I believe for money. I wish you well and thank you for your reply. If you are good at prayer please pray I find a steady job, since I am now paying lots of bills alone. Stupid me, thought my husband might help, but guess I shouldn't presume things. :) I have tried so hard to be a good wife. I just don't get why I am destined to be alone. Thank you again.

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I have tried so hard to be a good wife. I just don't get why I am destined to be alone. Thank you again.

I believe you, and am sorry you made the wrong choice. You deserve a good husband, and he is not one. It may seem you'll be alone forever, but my experience tells me once you get away from his influence, and start working for your own happiness, you will find a better person to share that happiness with. Trust yourself, and love yourself, enough to do what it takes to make your freedom happy, and feel better about yourself, so you can make better choices. You can do this.

The way I'd respond is, I would want the divorce and insist on it. I'd pack up, leave, then file for a divorce. He is subjecting you to continual verbal and emotional abuse and you should not continue to tolerate it from him.