I recently discovered that when my wife (of twelve years) and her adult daughter go with my visiting mother-in-law or a visiting friend, it was not really just "a girl's" Sunday brunch;" I was excluded because my daughter-in-law, who lives nearby but has always avoided me, told her mother (my wife), that if I come to brunch, she won't come. When I found out that my wife was leaving me at home for that reason, I let her know how I thought that was. We have discussed the matter a few times; I joined her for a session with her (former) therapist, who agreed with me.

Despite that, my wife has not changed her mind, claiming in different conversations (and I quote)

1. You are keeping me from spending time with my daughter.
2. If I have I choose between my daughter and you, I will choose her.
3. If I had known about this (my attitude!) before I married you, I would not have married you.

I have suggested joint counselliing on this several times, and suggested that she could pick the therapist. She agreed two weeks ago, but has not followed up.

Other than this BIG problem, we have a good marriage, and I would like to solve this problem. I am not a stubborn or uncompromising person, but I do have a strong believe that one's spouse should come first, and not be left at home at the insistence of a young lady who is, by her mother's admission, a very difficult person.

I welcome suggestions and comments.

Why does the step daughter dislike you?

It seems to me that your wife has made her position VERY clear - on all three points.

You can always try a therapist alone if she won't go.

It is not as much what you think about who should come first as who your WIFE thinks should come first - and I think she's made herself clear.

I have difficulty believing that the marriage is sound except for this one issue on which she will not compromise.

The other thought is to let her go and stay quiet - I don't know why you would want to go to a all "girl" event unless it's the principle of the matter.

Since it's only when the mother-in-law or a friend is visiting, I don't see the problem. She should be able to have a life without you.

My advice is to stop complaining about it and simply tell her to have a good time. Take the time she's gone to go do something with a friend or relative.

I can't believe your making an issue of your wife spending time with HER daughter without you. You have issues you should address, and I think your therapist is wrong.

Sorry guy, but that's too selfish, and controlling, needy, and insecure, for me.

I think the crux of the problem is where you say,' I do have a strong believe that one's spouse should come first'. Now there will be people that will agree with you but there will be many parents out there who will say nobody is more important than my children. I personally think it is simply a very bad idea to make a competition out of it. The love for one's children is unique and different to that felt for a spouse or anyone else.

It's a real shame that there are problems between you and your wife's daughter and I do think it is worth you trying to work on that. However, do not make your wife choose between you and her child, that is simply untenable.

My hubby and I were having a bit of a philoshopical discussion about what one would do in a disaster if it weren't possible to save both your spouse and your kids. No question we would both save the kids first, and yes ours are adults now. It doesn't mean we love one another any less it is simply natural behaviour we were aknowledging. Heaven help anyone who has to ever make that choice (we were having the discussion after feeling very sad about an article in the news where someone was basically in that situation) but the fact is anyone who puts their spouse in a position of having to choose between them and the children is asking for trouble in my opinion.

I do think it's a shame that your wife wasn't more upfront with you about this, and this may be part of why you are so angry. Maybe she did not want to hurt your feelings or maybe she knew you would react badly. Do keep talking about this together, but not on the basis that your wife has to choose between you. You need to work together to find out why the daughter feels so hostile towards you and on finding a solution to that, and in the meantime your wife needs to be free to see her daughter without you.

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Originally Posted by QLP

My hubby and I were having a bit of a philoshopical discussion about what one would do in a disaster if it weren't possible to save both your spouse and your kids. No question we would both save the kids first, and yes ours are adults now. It doesn't mean we love one another any less it is simply natural behaviour we were aknowledging. Heaven help anyone who has to ever make that choice (we were having the discussion after feeling very sad about an article in the news where someone was basically in that situation) but the fact is anyone who puts their spouse in a position of having to choose between them and the children is asking for trouble in my opinion.

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Wow - this paragraph stands out to me. This should probably be moved to a discussion board (which I have suggested) but my husband and I had this discussion (also adult children involved). We were both widowed and maybe that changes things but we would save each other first.

I don't know if we're in the minority but I suspect that we are.

I find a very large leap between the wife going out to lunch with her daughter (who doesn't want to spend time with her stepfather) and who the wife would save if both were drowning.

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Originally Posted by sho123

one's spouse should come first,

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In certain situations I agree with you. BUT, I would choose my blood, the child I carried for 9 months first. She will be forever in her life, you need to accept that. If you and the step daughter don't get along, your wife is doing the right thing by spending time with you and time with her.

Don't come between your wife and her daughter. If you keep acting this way you're going be the one who loses .

A mothers' love is something you will never comprehend! Don't make your wife choose. Any husband who truly loves his wife would never be petty enough to make her feel bad because she spends time with her child. Mine wouldn't because he isn't insecure and he loves all our kids the same.
Grow up a little.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Wow - this paragraph stands out to me. This should probably be moved to a discussion board but my husband and I had this discussion (also adult children involved). We were both widowed and maybe that changes things but we would save each other first.

I don't know if we're in the minority but I suspect that we are.

I find a very large leap between the wife going out to lunch with her daughter (who doesn't want to spend time with her stepfather) and who the wife would save if both were drowning.

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I was simply pointing out that neither my husband nor myself feel our love is at all diminished by the fact that in the disaster scenario we would both put our kids first. In this drastic case a choice might have to be made. In the OPs case there really is no need to force a choice at all. I'm not suggesting that the 2 things are the same, merely trying to get the OP to consider the nature of feelings a parent can have for their children and that it really isn't fair to make someone choose when it can be avoided.

As for what most people would do in the disaster scenario, maybe that would be an interesting topic for one of the discussion boards as you say, so:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/lounge...ml#post2364006

Apologies to the OP for going off topic a bit there.

This guy needs to get over the fact that he isn't invited along. The stepdaughter doesn't care for him and what guy would want to tag along with a bunch of women?

He doesn't care for the stepdaughter although he knew she was part of his wife's life when they married.

I think he needs to try and mend the rift and make his wife and himself a lot happier. If it's the stepdaughters fault.. maybe they need to have a sit down and try to figure out how to keep from upsetting the mom and wife.

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Originally Posted by QLP

I was simply pointing out that neither my husband nor myself feel our love is at all diminished by the fact that in the disaster scenario we would both put our kids first. In this drastic case a choice might have to be made. In the OPs case there really is no need to force a choice at all. I'm not suggesting that the 2 things are the same, merely trying to get the OP to consider the nature of feelings a parent can have for their children and that it really isn't fair to make someone choose when it can be avoided.

As for what most people would do in the disaster scenario, maybe that would be an interesting topic for one of the discussion boards as you say, so:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/lounge...ml#post2364006

Apologies to the OP for going off topic a bit there.

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I didn't suggest that your love was diminished by the fact that you would put your children first in a time of disaster.

I simply posted what my husband and I discussed.

There has to be some serious history here between you and your step daughter. Her not wanting you to tag along for lunch, is probably because of that history.

Going along for a girls day out would only show not only is that a weird thing for a man to do in my opinon, but it is also an 'in your face' sort of chest beating sort of thing to show that you are at least equal in importance.

What makes you want to pursue this to the point of needing therapy?

Be happy that everybody is healthy, and in one piece, and that your wife, and her daughter, and your mother enjoy eachother's company. It probably has more to do with one on one time with the important women in her life, than it has to do with snubbing you.

And in the meanwhile, you are pouting about "My wife loves her daughter more than she loves me", which of course, is likely way off the mark.

Time to put on your big boy pants, and while the ladies are out for lunch, go hit a bucket of balls.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

There has to be some serious history here between you and your step daughter. Her not wanting you to tag along for lunch, is probably because of that history.

Going along for a girls day out would only show not only is that a weird thing for a man to do in my opinon, but it is also an 'in your face' sort of chest beating sort of thing to show that you are at least equal in importance.

What makes you want to persue this to the point of needing therapy?

Be happy that everybody is healthy, and in one piece, and that your wife, and her daughter, and your mother enjoy eachother's company. It probably has more to do with one on one time with the important women in her life, than it has to do with snubbing you.

And in the meanwhile, you are pouting about "My wife loves her daughter more than she loves me", which of course, is likely way off the mark.

Time to put on your big boy pants, and while the ladies are out for lunch, go hit a bucket of balls.

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Grow up! Do you have children of your own? What if your wife objected to you having lunch with one of your children? What if she objected to you having dinner with your father or mother? It's the same thing. Don't sweat the small stuff!

The OP hasn't been back since he posted.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The OP hasn't been back since he posted.

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Probably realizes he is just being a little too obsessive about his wife.

I don't think it's the fact of the woman spending time together but the fact that his wife is saying that she is okay with her grown daughter feeling this way about her spouse. I am a step parent ans have been through worse with my step daughter a lot worse but it bothers me that she feels the way she does towards me when I haven't done anything. I think your wife should find out what her daughters reason is for not wanting to be around you and if it is not a legit reason then she should stand by you and let her daughter know that while they can still have a relationship and spend time together that you are apart of her life and it's a combination package... wouldnt the daughter feel that way about her own spouse?

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Originally Posted by confusedbroken13

i dont think its the fact of the woman spending time together but the fact that his wife is saying that she is okay with her grown daughter feeling this way about her spouse. I am a step parent ans have been through worse with my step daughter alot worse but it bothers me that she feels the way she does towards me when I havent done anything. I think your wife should find out what her daughters reason is for not wanting to be around you and if it is not a legit reason then she should stand by you and let her daughter know that while they can still have a relationship and spend time together that you are apart of her life and its a combination package...wouldnt the daughter feel that way about her own spouse?

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He can try doing this!

It is not the Question that he cannot go, But his wife will not stand up for him and say, no that's wrong. He does not want to go hang out with them But she clearly told him , she choose the child over him When the Kids grow up don't come around anymore . Who do you ladies have LEFT yes your husband.