My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1 year. I love him very much and generally I think we have a great relationship, however, I often feel like it is difficult to connect with him sexually. As with most couples, we had lots of sex in the beginning but soon I found that I was initiating sex most of the time (say 80% of the time). When I initiate sex, he is always into it and he gets aroused very quickly (under a minute). He is very good at pleasing me orally and I return the favour, however, he never says anything during sex and he rarely initiates sex. We normally both orgasm during sex.

I long for him to talk dirty to me or make me feel sexy in some way (he's not generally affectionate when we're not having sex either). Sometimes I wonder if he's imagining having sex with someone else while we're doing it. I have tried to spice things up and get him to open up by talking dirty, bringing out porn, a camera, etc. but am generally left feeling kind of silly when he's not really into it.

At one point I got so frustrated I just didn't initiate sex and we ended up not doing it for a month (he initiated it in the end). Now I'd say we'd be doing pretty well if we did it once a week. I find it difficult to be intimate with him when he gives me very little indication that he's attracted to me so I often just masturbate rather than initiating sex. I have asked him before to be more affectionate/loving but it hasn't changed anything. I have asked him if he masturbates regularly and he won't really answer the question (I assume he does and have no problem with that, I just wish he'd feel comfortable enough with me to be open with me). I've told him that I masturbate.

I am wondering if I'm over-reacting and this is normal or if this is a real issue? He also always wants to shower before and after sex which I find annoying. My husband works really hard and has a stressful job (considerable overtime, traveling, managing people, many people are being laid-off at his work, etc.) and he has complained of feeling anxious and stressed. I also work considerable overtime and we're trying to renovate our house ourselves so basically it feels like we never have any free time together, so perhaps he is just generally too tired?

Sounds like a perfect storm. Let's see if I can itemize so you can work on one aspect at a time.

1. Job stress - ouch, not much can be done there. You have jobs, that's good.

2. Home maintenance stress - this can be managed. How many items are you working on at once?

3. He's not very communicative about his emotions - very common. Western men are trained to be stoic from an early age. Try talking about something he has feelings about that is not sexual to get him in the habit of opening up to you.

4. He's a little phobic about body fluids(call it fastidious if you want to) - again common in Western men, especially those from very pious homes. How do you feel about the smell of him? Clean? Sweaty? Tell him.

5. "The bloom is off the rose." - Novelty factors have worn out. Ask him about his fantasies, then make up scenarios about them. Fantasies are seldom as good in real life, so telling him stories might be better than acting them out.

You may be doing a lot of this already. If so, please excuse the relationship 101 answers. Getting him to open up may be the key point in these. Good luck.

He needs to read "The Sensuous Man".

Some guys just aren't that affectionate. Something I cannot understand.

I stop short of humping on my wife's leg, buy hey, if it works...

Talk to him again, and see how open he is for some training.

Don't just "let it go", you'll go crazy.

Good luck.

On reflection, You seem like you're both just a bit busy. You might try slowing down for a weekend and make love instead of having sex.

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Originally Posted by anteccomp

I am wondering if I'm over-reacting and this is normal or if this is a real issue? He also always wants to shower before and after sex which I find annoying. My husband works really hard and has a stressful job (considerable overtime, traveling, managing people, many people are being laid-off at his work, etc.) and he has complained of feeling anxious and stressed. I also work considerable overtime and we're trying to renovate our house ourselves so basically it feels like we never have any free time together, so perhaps he is just generally too tired?

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You're not overreacting, this is a real issue. He has all the hallmarks of a stress suppressed libido. He could want it but he is worried about work, keeping his job, the renovations, and the rest of keeping life going.

Catsmine has it pretty much on the ball here. Slow down. Life doesn't need to be filled with activities from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep.

I would say that he does masturbate regularly.

You need to talk with him non-confrontationally. It could be that he isn't really sure how to initiate, and doesn't want to come off as sex crazed; IE only here for your body.

Might be time to take a few weekends off.

Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will try to get him talking and take some time for us.. maybe plan a weekend getaway to relax... :)

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Originally Posted by anteccomp

Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will try to get him talking and take some time for us.. maybe plan a weekend getaway to relax... :)

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So long as you don't "relax" seventeen hours out of 24. Relaxation should not involve perspiration and clothes together. One of my favorite erotic moments was pulling over and getting out of the car and watching clouds while holding hands. No pressure, no goals, no activities... just being together.

The reason I do not initiate sex anymore is because my girl always tells me I should do this more, and that more, or not this and not that.

Small things that might seem irrelevant to her, makes me feel like I should rather just not do anything at all than being criticized. Perhaps the same applies to your hubby?

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Originally Posted by LJDK

The reason i do not initiate sex anymore is because my girl always tells me i should do this more, and that more, or not this and not that.

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For me with my Ex-Wife. I would try to initiate, and she would smack me away. I would try again a day or two later, and she would smack me away. I would wait a few days, and try again to no avail. I would wait a couple days and try again only to be denied. After a few months I got trained to the response. I ask, she said no. So instead of getting my hopes up, I just stopped asking. I wasn't going to beg for sex.

It ended up that I needed to get her drunk to get her randy. Not healthy. One of the reasons, I suppose, that she is my Ex-wife.

In a way men are really like dogs. Kick me away enough times and I will stop asking. As a conclusion, she stated when we were splitting up that our sex life was s**t and was surprised when she heard the above.

Nothing to do with the original post, but an interesting tangent. What messages are you sending your man, and more importantly: What does it mean to him?

Hey, thanks for your thoughts. I don't think I generally reject/criticize him (either for sex or performance-wise) but it's good to note that these sort of things can have a big effect on his mood/desires. I'd say that normally I am in the mood for sex and I have told my husband before that if I'm ever not in the mood and he is than he just needs to spend a few minutes to get me in the mood (it's really not hard at all).

In terms of criticizing, I don't think I've ever criticized him on performance.. the only thing I do is make more noise when he's doing something I really like. It comes naturally to me to be loud during sex and I wish I could get him to be more vocal too. Do guys like being loud during sex? (I'm mean moaning, sex talk, etc.) Is there a way to get him to open up or do guys just not want to talk/moan etc. in bed? Do guys like it when girls are loud in bed?

As for one the comments above, he always smells great but he is definitely kind of phobic with bodily fluids - which I think leads him to be kind of a poor kisser (doesn't like to actually stick him tongue in my mouth - oddly enough though he has no problem sticking it my vagina, which feels amazing). I have good oral hygiene so I don't think it's an issue of bad breath. I miss having great kisses. Any suggestions on how to improve kissing skills and get him to put him tongue all the way in my mouth? I've never just outright said this cause I don't want to hurt his feelings.

My wife and I sound the same as you two. Busy, stressed. But I stopped initiating sex because like a post before I was denied constantly and too many times. Its just not worth it anymore. I feel if she wants to have sex then she can inititate and I will ALWAYS allow. We haven't had intercourse in like 6 months and I'm starting to lose my mind. Can only get off on my own so many times, you know.

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Originally Posted by anteccomp

Do guys like being loud during sex? (I'm mean moaning, sex talk, etc.) Is there a way to get him to open up or do guys just not want to talk/moan etc. in bed? Do guys like it when girls are loud in bed?.

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It will differ from person to person. You will have to ask your man those question and not us. He knows what he likes.
Personally I love some moaning but too loud and I start feeling cheap or the sex feels fake. I had a girl once that was really really loud. Refused to see her again after that experience.

Tell him you love it when he moans a little or talks to you during sex. Telling each other you love one another during sex is the sort of talk for married couples who really love each other. Dirty sex talk is more the talk for one night stands.

Me and my fiancé do a bit of both, mostly the love talking but once in a blue moon I do the sex talk. She doesn't do it at all, but I prefer it that way to be honest.

But like I said, please ask your man those question as we can only tell you how we feel, not how he feels.

Ok thanks for your responses. I will try to talk to him and ask him what he likes.. I wish I could just get him to open up to me!

Hey!
Same happens to me! I am with my hubby for over 10 years. He's always been great, but sexually it is all a disaster. He never ever initiates things. Honestly, in the last year I remember he initiating sex twice. I feel awful, this makes me really sad.
I now have 3 kids and don't know what to do. I feel very unhappy.

Good luck to you. Sorry, I have no useful advice. I wish God could help us.

Cheers