Hi... I'm stressed as can be. My daughter who just graduated from college just moved home in May. She did it to save money before she plans to move to another state. However, she made my life and my teenage son's life miserable. (I'm a single mom). All I asked that she do is help keep the house clean because I work full time and she works part time as a server. She has been totally disrespectful since she moved home. Leaving the upstairs a disaster, the bathroom a disaster and NEVER cleaning. She takes naps in the evenings so she can go out to the clubs with her friends until 4 in the morning or so and then comes home (which of course wakes me up). There is much more, however I finally told her that I've never been treated with such disrespect in my life. She just rolled her eyes and wouldn't look at me. I told her I would appreciate it if she would move by the end of the month. She left the next day to go stay with her college roommate and her family and she tells my son she's staying there until she moves. She has emailed me twice to ask advice on job apps but other than that, no communication whatsoever. I've called and emailed and asked her to talk but she ignores those messages. Shall I give her time? I miss her... Did I do the wrong thing?

At the risk of using a term that makes you roll your eyes, "tough love" is as needed as it is difficult.

She needs to hear "I love you, and I am happy to help you save money, but if you want to live here you need to __________"

Yes, much simpler said than done - I know.

Be strong, Lainey. I can tell you really care, and that's exactly what will get you through this.

There are times in life; when a difficult decision has to be made for the better good; when we take action, let us not condemn ourselves for the action taken; otherwise, you will have to access, reaction vs action. Did you react to the situation, which will imply that you did not consider All; from what you have stated, as well as, drawing from experience... you took action. The fact that your daughter includes you in important decisions governing her life, i.e. job app... you have nothing to fret; release yourself from the underlining guilt of evicting your daughter to help her grow. Sometimes, a change in atmosphere will help growth, that is not to say that you provided her with a stunt-ing type atmosphere, it merely means, she needed the change to grow. Be secure in your decision, in the action you have taken... she will return to thank you when her perspective is challenged. Sometimes it takes viewing from a different angle to bring life into focus

Hi,
No, you did not do the wrong thing by telling her to move out. She has to learn some basic ideas about respect; and she will in time.
I would have done the same thing, not putting up with being taken for granted, and showing this much disrespect.
Stop calling her, and just simply leave her alone. It will be hard to do, but she must eventually make up her own mind. You have set the foundation for a good relationship, helping her all you can.
You can't help her now, at this stage in her life, so leave her alone. Stop calling, stop emailing. I wouldn't even answer any of her emails about jobs!
You have to show her that now, you have your own life; and your life won't disintegrate if she isn't around. It's hard, but be strong.
She will eventually realize how she is treating you, and you will have your daughter's love again.
Best of luck,
fredg

Hi - I have a 20-something daughter that is much like yours seems to be.
Mine has not spoken to me for about a year now because she must follow the same rules as her brothers did. - Be respectful, be responsible, be part of the family. - She consistently was rude to my wife, did not attend college classes properly and was late or did not show up at family functions. I made her move out. I paid the deposit on an apartment and the first months rent. From then on, she has been on her own. If she fails, she fails - but she is not in our face everyday anymore.

It was the hardest thing I ever did and I miss her very much. That is, I miss my daughter... not the little "pot" she has become. I had to remember that my other kids needed me too. And, they have turned out OK. All I can do is pray that someday she will too. But, I refuse to put up with her "you know what". And, it is not fair to the other kids if we let her off the hook.

I think you know what to do. The next step is doing it.

Good luck:-)

Hello, First, I want you to know you are doing nothing wrong, and if your daughter is still contacting you, let her. This shows that she does miss you and does still include you in her life. She probably had a little bad influence in school and is trying out a new way of 'acting', but she'll grow out of it once she sees that life is not that easy. I asked my daughter to leave (actually I said 'get out of my face' ) for a few days one time because I was so angry and I did not want to say or do anything in anger to regret later. She felt hurt and moved in with her boyfriend next door for two years, got married to him, and now she left him - for a good reason. But during all this time, she still called me asked me if she could visit me, took me out to dinner. I even gave her a bridal shower and organized the wedding then-even though I told her that I did not think he was the right one for her and that she was still too young. And then came the words a mother holds dear even years after -Mom, I love you and you were right- We can't make choices for our kids and I swore when I gave birth to her that I would always stand by her no matter what and she always knew that. We still argue sometimes like all normal adults with opinions, but then we talk about the issues with love and respect. She even invites me to parties with her friends and they all call me 'mom' and invite me over their places.
To sum it up,family is family and influence is influence, you'll win in the end.
So, don't worry, we all go through our stages and once common sense kicks in and she goes through a 'tidy' stage, she will tell you you were right. But as you've read from others here, it is time for the 'bird to leave the nest' That's part of life and growth. Give her time and she will fully understand your point of view, and even though sometimes it seems that she might use you (as in helping with applications) it's her way of telling you she still needs you, and that's what parents are for. We parents can be grateful when our children don't do worse things, like drugs, breaking the law, etc and need to tell them you are proud of that. So again, you did nothing wrong. Have a nice weekend, and good luck.

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Originally Posted by Lainey

Hi....I'm stressed as can be. My daughter who just graduated from college just moved home in May. She did it to save money before she plans to move to another state. However, she made my life and my teenage son's life miserable. (I'm a single mom). All I asked that she do is help keep the house clean because I work full time and she works part time as a server. She has been totally disrespectful since she moved home. Leaving the upstairs a disaster, the bathroom a disaster and NEVER cleaning. She takes naps in the evenings so she can go out to the clubs with her friends until 4 in the morning or so and then comes home (which of course wakes me up). There is much more, however I finally told her that I've never been treated with such disrespect in my life. She just rolled her eyes and wouldn't look at me. I told her I would appreciate it if she would move by the end of the month. She left the next day to go stay with her college roommate and her family and she tells my son she's staying there until she moves. She has emailed me twice to ask advice on job apps but other than that, no communication whatsoever. I've called and emailed and asked her to talk but she ignores those messages. Shall I give her time? I miss her.... Did I do the wrong thing?

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Nope, you didn't do anything wrong according to what you wrote.

Giving in to her is not the right thing. Your daughter is drifting away from your life. This is inevitable and I think you probably have anticipated it. Give her time to come around eventually. Meanwhile, take care of your son. :-)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lainey

Hi....I'm stressed as can be. My daughter who just graduated from college just moved home in May. She did it to save money before she plans to move to another state. However, she made my life and my teenage son's life miserable. (I'm a single mom). All I asked that she do is help keep the house clean because I work full time and she works part time as a server. She has been totally disrespectful since she moved home. Leaving the upstairs a disaster, the bathroom a disaster and NEVER cleaning. She takes naps in the evenings so she can go out to the clubs with her friends until 4 in the morning or so and then comes home (which of course wakes me up). There is much more, however I finally told her that I've never been treated with such disrespect in my life. She just rolled her eyes and wouldn't look at me. I told her I would appreciate it if she would move by the end of the month. She left the next day to go stay with her college roommate and her family and she tells my son she's staying there until she moves. She has emailed me twice to ask advice on job apps but other than that, no communication whatsoever. I've called and emailed and asked her to talk but she ignores those messages. Shall I give her time? I miss her.... Did I do the wrong thing?

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No you did the right thing. Just give her time and she will come around. I have a 30 year old daughter who does the same thing over and over again. When she doesn't get her own way she won't talk to me or call me, but a little time goes by she is on the phone again and/or visiting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lainey

Hi....I'm stressed as can be. My daughter who just graduated from college just moved home in May. She did it to save money before she plans to move to another state. However, she made my life and my teenage son's life miserable. (I'm a single mom). All I asked that she do is help keep the house clean because I work full time and she works part time as a server. She has been totally disrespectful since she moved home. Leaving the upstairs a disaster, the bathroom a disaster and NEVER cleaning. She takes naps in the evenings so she can go out to the clubs with her friends until 4 in the morning or so and then comes home (which of course wakes me up). There is much more, however I finally told her that I've never been treated with such disrespect in my life. She just rolled her eyes and wouldn't look at me. I told her I would appreciate it if she would move by the end of the month. She left the next day to go stay with her college roommate and her family and she tells my son she's staying there until she moves. She has emailed me twice to ask advice on job apps but other than that, no communication whatsoever. I've called and emailed and asked her to talk but she ignores those messages. Shall I give her time? I miss her.... Did I do the wrong thing?

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Wow, it's almost three years to the date later than Lainey's original post, and this is almost exactly my story today. My oldest daughter just graduated from college in May and stayed with us during the summer while she was working. Even though it bothered me that she would leave her room and any other room she was in a mess, I never asked her to do anything because she was working full time for the first time and I wanted to help. Well, she hated working because it interfered with her social life and none of her friends had to work fulltime. They didn't have to get up early and could just have fun all summer, so I think she became resentful of the job (which she no longer has) and, especially, of me. Because I was worried about what I viewed as irresponsible behavior for a 22 year old, I would question her about her why she would miss at least one day a week of work (whenever she went back to visit her college friends) and about her erratic schedule, i.e. staying up all night, not eating right, drinking, etc. I just don't understand how she could have so much energy when with her friends, and yet is too tired to pick anything up or even have a conversation with me. I also don't understand how my daughter who has been so responsible and absolutely amazing up until now, could make such a drastic change. I want to help her--and I think she needs help--but now she's moved back to her college town and avoids my phone calls. She told me this last weekend that she has a lot of anger and resentment toward me and apparently has not forgiven me for mistakes I made when she was younger. I have apologized and begged forgiveness, but it does no good. I never went to college and I've sacrificed everything so that my kids would have the opportunities I never had. Now I'm wondering what it was all for. What good does college do if this is what it turns our kids into. I haven't stopped crying for days, and it's now effecting both my job and my health. I love my daughter more than anything and I'm so very proud of her and her accomplishments, I just hate to see this self-destructive behavior. Right now, all I want is to have a good relationship with her. I don't have anyone to talk to because I don't want any of my friends to have any negative judgments about my daughter, and my husband tells me I'm depressing and I need to get over it. I just wish I knew how.

If anyone would look at past post they would see how common this has become.
I think you did the exact right thing in asking her to move. I know it was hard but I bet she doesn't get away with acting toward this family she is staying with, the way she acted with you. A lesson well learned fairly young in life.
I congratulate you for you strength. I know you love your child and you did the best thing that you could have done under these circumstances.
Don't beat yourself up and stay strong. You can let her know that you love her without becoming her door mat.
The fact that you understand that the rest of your family needs you is a big step in the right direction.
You deserve to be happy and I think you took the right steps. I hope she realizes this sooner rather than later, The fact that she still needs your opinion on important things tells me that she is starting to see that she was the problem, not you.
Good luck and stay strong.

My only other comment is that you are not alone in this. So many parents are having this same problem. If it was all in one area I would swear it was something in the water. I guess it is just a new stage that a lot of grown kids/young adults fall into.
There is also a shoulder to cry on with this board. I think everyone has given you very good advice. Just remember that you are a good mom and that you deserve to be happy also.