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The best way to deal with it is give her what she is asking for. Give her NC or No Contact until she calls you. I have been dealing with this for almost 2 months now with my ex of 2 years. Its rough but if you swallow it now you will look back and be glad you didn't drag it out any longer. It will be painful but cut off all contact and the ball is in her court not yours.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
Move on and get a life. I hope you haven't been waiting around for 5 weeks.
BREAK = BREAK-UP. Ask yourself if there is any difference. The only difference is that you wasted 5 weeks wondering what might happen or what she might do.
Don't waste your time wondering. You should start by beginning the process of forgetting her RIGHT NOW. It will take a long time, and it is a difficult process. But in the end, you'll be a better person.
--Cali
Ok, so I had my full story on here, but I got paranoid and took it down at the last minute because I thought maybe my ex might stumble across this site and find out that I've posted the "break" up here. I need advice though, so I wanted to ask, has anyone's ex come across your post?
Move on... you'll be better for it. If she wants you back, and you're ready to take her back that's one thing--but you need to live your life, and can't keep moping around until she's ready.
Don't worry about her finding your post... if she's "on break" I doubt she's hunting down information about you. I'm sorry if that sounds mean... but it's probably true.
Break-up means break-up. What to do you do? Get over it and move on.
What to you think you're supposed to do?
You're probably right Farmgirl. OK, so here's my story. About 5 weeks ago, my girlfriend (well I guess my ex girlfriend now) decided she wanted to take a "break." I am 25 and she's 23, and we had been together about 4 years, and I loved her (and still do) very much, and we were great together. We hardly ever got into fights, and when we did, I always tried to diffuse the argument or end up blaming most of it on myself (which was not the right thing to do, which I see now, but these low points were rare, so anyway... ) We did everything together. We hung out every single day, and spent every night together unless she had to go out of town or something like that, and we had fun practically all the time. I finally moved into her apartment about 4 months ago. We had planned to live together at her place for a little while, and then move off to a big city together. We even started selling some of our things, and we also took a trip up there to check out the city and the neighborhoods around it. I wasn't really excited about the idea when she brought it up, but once I went (I had never been there before) I thought it would be a really fun thing to do for a year - you know, while we were still young and not tied down.
Right before she decided we needed a break, we went to her friend's wedding. As soon as we get back in town from this wedding I had to run out on an errand, and when I come home she is crying. I ask what is up, and she says we need a break, which completely shocked me because I NEVER saw this coming. She tells me that she loves me, and thinks she wants to spend her life with me but isn't sure right now, and needs some space. She then says that she is 23 and that she wants to be just "her" instead of "me and her" and its not that she doesn't love me or love our time together or living together, but that she is confused right now. Basically, she says all of the generic things that it seems like everyone else's ex says when they want a break, even though she says them all with conviction and tears. She then says that she's been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and wouldn't do this to us if she didn't really think it would make us better off in the long run. So of course I lose it and start to cry, and I tell her that I love her so much and that I don't think we need a break. I say that I can't believe this is happening, but that I understand if it's something she needs to do for herself, and if this is what she needs to do then I guess I have to be OK with that. Then I ask her if there is someone else like 5 times, to which she responds no each time, telling me that she wouldn't do that to me, and if she was interested in someone else she wouldn't want to go on a "break" but would just want to end it completely. So then I say well, if we are on a break then I can't stay at the apartment, so I call up my best friend who lives about 30 minutes away, and luckily he is cool enough to let me move in with him. She then tells me that I don't need to move all of my things out because even though we are on a break it is only going to be for a little while (she is saying all these things through tears of course). She basically told me that I only need to bring enough things to stay for a short amount of time. So after a few hours of both of us just hurting and crying, we decide that I will spend one more night at the apartment and then the next night I will start living at my best friend's place. That night was so hard. We hardly slept and just held each other very tightly in bed all night long, with her crying off and on through the night. The next day I go to work and feel like crap, and when I come home, we do some more crying and hugging, and then she gives me some groceries and things she bought me to take with me. We then kiss passionately as if it will be the last time ever, and then I'm on my way. She is texting me the whole time, telling me to let her know when I got there, and other things like "she hates herself for doing this" and that she "thinks she is an idiot" and that I am so awesome for understanding and giving her space.
Since then my life has pretty much sucked, and its been 5 weeks and then some. I went from a 5 minute drive to work to having to drive 30 minutes there and back, and I can't focus on my job. I haven't been eating right or sleeping well, and I got sick about 4 weeks in. Weekends are practically impossible to deal with because I end up thinking about how I want to be with her and all the good times we had, and then wonder why she would just give those up. Its just terrible because we used to live together, and she told me that I don't have to move all my things, but in reality I know I need to get my stuff out of the apartment because I just don't know if her saying that I don't have to move my stuff is true. I'm trying to move it because I don't want to find out that she's moved on and I still have half my crap there. So I have to go over there during my lunch breaks and pick up small loads of stuff. I'm still having to do this 5 weeks out, but I don't have much left to get. Would have got it done sooner but I was sick.
I think it's also important to note that I noticed while I was at the apartment getting things that one of my ex's girlfriends who used to come hang with us and spend the night a few nights a week (she works with my ex but lives kind of far away), who I think is a bad influence on her, has sort of moved in and is basically crashing there every night. She moved in probably a week after I left. This girl is kind of a flirt and drinks heavily, and has probably hooked up with most of the guys at their job. I don't totally dislike this girl, but before this "break" thing I was feeling frustrated with her because she was at our apartment all the time and I felt like she was taking time away from me and my (ex) girl. But, I don't know, maybe my ex just needed someone to be there with her.
In these 5 weeks, different things have happened. For starters, this whole time she has texted me almost every day. She's even texted to see if I'm still exited about moving to a big city together. I think there has been only a few days where there was no text from her (yesterday being one of them). As far as face to face contact, I confronted her about the relationship a few days after the break and asked her what the deal was, and if she was seeing someone else (I know I shouldn't have). She gave me the same reasons as before. We have also had extended face to face contact five times since then. The first time was a little less than two weeks in. We had a great time - went out to eat, wandered around a shopping center together. I didn't bring up the relationship at all. She texted me afterward and told me she had a great time. It made me feel great to hang out with her, but it had some negative effects, because I wanted to do it again the next weekend. She made it seem like she really wanted to as well, but when the next weekend came her days got "filled up." I called her and was upset, and told her that if she really had wanted to hang out with me, she would have. The next time was about three weeks in. I had moved all of my clothes out of my closet and she sent me a text saying that my empty closet made her cry. I didn't respond. She called. I didn't answer. She sent me a text later that night saying she was upset all day and that I completely ignored her and she didn't get it. I didn't respond. She called my job the next day upset and I told her she wanted a break and that I was trying to respect her wishes. I asked her if she wanted me to come over to talk about it - she did. I went over there and basically told her that I wasn't going to be strung along, and that I am not going to wait around forever, and that if there is someone else to please just end it with me. She said she wasn't trying to do any of those things and there wasn't anyone else. The third time was about a week after that - she came to my place and we hung out and watched TV. She ended up spending the night and sleeping in my bed, but we didn't do anything if you know what I mean. Just another good time where I didn't bring up the relationship at all. The fourth time was last Monday. My car had broken down last weekend, and so I had to call her because she was the only person I knew in the area that could help me out. She was so sweet to me. She let me use her AAA, and while my car was getting fixed she let me hang out at her apartment. While we were laying on her bed watching TV, we hooked up. This has totally thrown me for a loop because I don't know what to do now. She has texted me since then, with the exception of yesterday. The last time was last Thurs. I went on my lunch break to go get some things from there, but she was there. I called and asked if it was OK if I came and got some things. She said it was fine. We talked about the relationship. I told her again that I don't want to be strung along and if there is someone else then end it. She asked if I wanted her to call me and text me. I told her its fine to conact me as long as its not a way for her to feel better about herself for going on on a "break," or if she's trying to slowly let me go. She said she wasn't, and was thinking she wants to get back with me, but needs more time.
I am so confused guys, I just don't know what to do now. I loved this girl with all my heart for 4 years, and I still do. I care about her so much and I just can't wrap my mind around why she would want to go on a "break." The sad thing is, when she told me all the reasons for wanting to go on this break, I believed her, and I wanted them to be true, but I keep having doubts. I also thought that it would maybe only last a month at most, but here I am at 5 weeks and then some, and now I'm even more confused than I was before. I really just want her back. Please help!
Oh and also, her birthday is coming up next week. She mentioned that she would like to hang out sometime next weekend. What do I do? What should I get her?
Freak;
I have to say I think that your situation is different than most that I read here. My initial thought is that she wants to get married and after 4 years with you it's not happening, but she's not bringing that up so I don't know. It is surprising she broke the news after the wedding.
Normally, once they are done, they are cold and she's not. My sense is that she is still interested, confused and cares and doesn't want to hurt you, hence the frequent contact.
I would keep the contact light and do what you are doing until you are 100% sure she is done. As for the birthday, get her a card and an inconsequential gift and drop it off.
Keep us posted.
Can you tell her you're not getting any younger and would like to date (others) again because, after all, it's been almost six weeks and there has to be either a clean break with her or a reunion with no conditions? Give her a deadline of two more weeks and then she has to decide?
In other words, put the ball into your court and establish some boundaries.
I hear a lot about this type of thing when people have been together as teens and become young adults. They get to be 22-25 years old and discover they have spent all of that time with one person and are not sure if they now want to be with that person. They may love the person, but the thought of settling down before they have time to be free is scary.
Instead of having a break, they should just beak up. It makes it easier on both parties.
I personally think this dating someone exclusively in your teen years is not a good idea. When you get in your 20's the way you see things change and often you find that this person you thought you could never do without, is not the person you now see spending your life with. She wants to do this and still have her life line to you.
Break it off with her completely. You two go your separate ways, if you are meant to be , you will hook up again down the road.
First that does suck, secondly you can't be so sensitive and I know this because of the book you just wrote above.Its obvious you care about her a great deal and it also seems to me that your life is built around her and that is a problem in itself, Its great to be all about you and her, but you have to be happy with just yourself. So for now let her be, give her some time, as for you go out with your friends, get a hobby, find yourself again, remember this is a great time to look at yourself in the mirror and work on you.
Thanks, I've really been trying to do this! I've been playing music with my room mate (my best friend who was cool enough to let me move in when the crap happened) and a drummer that we know. I've also been trying to go for runs when I can to keep my mind off things. I've even started to clean up my new room - it's basically just been a pile of junk that I've thrown in here since I moved in because, well for a while I thought I would be going back soon, but I see that now that's probably not going to happen. It's still really hard though because, even though I try not to, I find myself thinking about her all the time. Also, two nights ago she "drunk dialed" me, even though it wasn't really a drunk dial because she told me in a text earlier that she was going to drunk dial me (a premeditated drunk dial is not a drunk dial), plus she didn't even sound drunk at all on the phone. She told me that she missed me and loved me, and that she wanted to hang out soon. I told her that Monday (today) I had a few things to do but I wasn't doing a whole lot, so maybe we could hang out then. She said that sounded cool, but my guess is she won't even call or text today, and she'll just play it off like she was "drunk" and didn't remember what she said. It's just so weird, you know? Why does she tell me she misses me and loves me (and I definitely believe her when she says it and I have those same feelings ALL the time), but she is the one who created the situation? I don't get it.Quote:
Originally Posted by glavine
She created it and does not know how to let go. She knows she needs and wants to be away. She is probably hurting too. I suggest you break it off and tell her to go on with her life and not to call or text you for at least 6 months and you do the same.
I'm not sure that my not asking her to marry me is it. I mean, we had talked about getting married before, and we both agreed that it is hopefully in our future but right now we are too young. I don't really even want to get married until around 30, or late twenties at the earliest, but I don't know. She knows that though, and I thought she at least agreed with me. If anything I thought the wedding may have freaked her out and made her realize that she is too young to be tied down right now. She had even said before that she doesn't understand why people get married so young. Homegirl has brought this point up later in this post. Plus, if that was really the case, I think she would have brought it up. But, I my thoughts on this aren't exactly solid either. We had planned (and I think she is still planning) to move to a big city together. My thoughts lately had been, well if we do that, then I might see how things go there and then maybe ask her. But, of course it's all up in the air now...Quote:
Originally Posted by LivingtheLifeinFLA
Well I was wrong about Monday. She called me up and wanted to hang out and do something "alone with me" a.k.a. get out of her house and away from her ever-present room mate. So I drove out to where she lives, and we went out for ice cream, and then went back to her place to hang out. We had a pretty good time. We talked lightly about the relationship. I told her that my feelings about the relationship swing all the time, and that I'll be angry one day, upset the next, and then not too bad on some days, etc. but that I love her and want to be with her. We talked about her job (she's a bartender/GM of a bar/restaurant. Not sure if I mentioned that before), and how she is supposed to be done there in December, and how from there she wants to move to a city with me. So, we are just sitting around chatting and stuff, and her "room mate," the bad influence girl (go read my story) ran out to do some errands, and we hooked up again (my suggestion though, but she was all for it). Don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but we did. I don't know guys, it's just so weird. What bothers me though is that she seems happy by herself and hanging out with her new friends (the bar she worked at recently merged with a restaurant and so now she has a bunch of new coworkers that she hangs out with), but then she keeps talking about moving off with me, and that this break is a good time for us to find ourselves again. To be perfectly honest though, I just don't give a crap about going on a break to find myself. I just want her. This is so lame. How do I get this girl to realize that she needs to be back with me, and that, to be honest, it will be really hard for her to find someone that treated her as well as I did? I mean, I know I can't make her think a certain way - that's pretty evident from reading similar posts to mine on this site. No one can make someone think or feel a certain way about them, but what I'm interested in doing, if I haven't blown it already, is trying to recreate that attraction between us that was once there. I mean, there was a time when, not all that long ago really, she wanted to spend all her time with me and told me that she loved me so much all the time and just never wanted to leave my side. But now it almost seems like she's trying to "friend zone" me, but at the same time I'm just not sure if that's even it. This just sucks really bad right now because she seems to be happy with what she's doing, but I can't tell if it's a fake happiness that she puts on while she's around me, or what. I sent her a text this morning when I woke up telling her that I really miss her, and that I'm not trying to sound clingy or anything but I miss waking up next to her and seeing her face. All she sent back was "Aww, I miss you too!" which to me seemed like a lame response to my text. I mean, I'm not trying to read into her words here because it's a freakin text, but it just came across as "oh yeah, well I miss you too. Stop texting me." I don't know guys, what do I do to make this chick see that she is missing out on something awesome?
Ok so here's the deal. After talking to one of my good friends last night, I've pretty much reached the conclusion that I can't deal with this crap any longer. I feel like all she's doing is stringing me along while she sees what else is out there, which is really just completely unfair to me. I mean, as far as I know she's dating someone else already, although I have absolutely no evidence of that. But what I do know is that she wants to be just "her" instead of "me and her" which basically means she wants to be single and not tied down. Her birthday is Friday, so I think between now and her birthday I'm simply just not going to respond to any of her text messages (if there even are any, but she's been pretty consistent about sending one every day). Then on Friday, I'll call her up and wish her happy birthday. Also, between now and then, I had planned on getting her a card and a gift card or something like that and maybe dropping it off. Anyway, after her birthday weekend (which she mentioned that we should hang out at some point, but I don't know what will happen now), I'm thinking like Tuesday I'm going to ask her if it's OK if I stop by after work and ask to talk to her. Then I'm basically just going to have to tell her that I can't do this being on a "break" thing any longer, and that I love her very much, and never wanted this break, and would love to be with her, but its becoming pretty clear that this is all just false hope, and that I need to move on with my life. Then I will ask if she feels any differently about the "break," and if not I want to talk to her about the relationship and what she didn't like so that I can maybe learn a good lesson about what not to do next time. If she still wants this "break" then I guess I'm just going to have to tell her to not call me or text me (unless its like an emergency or something) until she figures out what she wants in her life, and in the meantime I'm just going to have to act like this is completely done, and arrange some time to go get the rest of my things from her apartment. Does ANYONE out there think this is a good idea? Or should I just start ignoring texts/calls/Gmail chat right now? I mean, ideally I would like this girl to realize that she's made a mistake and want to get back with me, but I know that's probably not going to happen, so what do I do? Please help.
I think she is enjoying being unattached and is learning things about herself, which is what she wanted to do and suggested you do the same. The difference is you are not likeing it. You could learn something's about yourself as well.
This break could be the beginning of the end and maybe she does not realize it yet. She likes being around you, but does not want to be with you. If you can't deal with it, tell her and break it off completely, but don't try andmake her feel the villain just because she does not want to be with you. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, you two are just not the right ones for each other. She is coming to realize that, you haven't yet.
Some people unwittingly cause harm to others. They string people along without even realising it or perhaps not caring. In your case give her what she wanted at the start. A break. That means no contact. Just disappear of the face of the earth.
If she gets in contact, say 'its best we don't speak for a while. I honestly wish you the best for the future and now I must go."
Negative feelings are not good. One day it might be nice to remember the good times and that things ended on a positive note. The future is allways 'open' as such then.
If she wants you back she knows where you are. So get going with NC and see where that leads you. In time you will heal and you will probably become indifferent to the past. She will be more like an old friend and you will be a new happy person, changed and learned from the experience.
Thank you Homegirl, your advice has always been really awesome! Please keep it coming, this is really helping me get through my days. I don't want her to feel like a villain because she doesn't want to be with me right now. I understand that the way people feel about each other can change over time. It's just hard for me to sit there and wonder if she will ever shift back to wanting me, because I definitely still want her. I really would like for that to happen, and given my circumstances, should I keep up light contact to maybe help the possibility that might happen, or should I start acting a little bit more cold and aloof and see if she will pursue me at all? I mean, I know the probability of this happening is slim, but I need to feel like I at least tried, you know? But, in trying, I don't want to be overbearing or push her away either, like I've seen many others on this sight do. So, light contact and birthday card? Or just stop responding to texts? I'm honestly willing to try what I have to, but I don't want to be obvious or pushy about it, know what I mean? Want to be subtle, but just don't know the route to take.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I inderstand what you are saying. You can send her a card, have casual conversation if it does not cause you too much pain. Don't answer every text or phone call. If you two are meant to be, it will happen, just don't sit in the driver's seat. If it's not too painful, let it coast along. If it gets to be too much back off completely.
I wish you well
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jiser
Thanks Jiser! Please keep the responses coming! It's totally helping me figure things out in my head to have you guys as a sounding board. Know what I mean? You know, I've also thought about going this route several times. It just seems really hard because, believe it or not, I don't want to hurt her by just completely shutting her out, even though she has put me through hell for nearly two months now. Weird, isn't it? It's just the kind of guy I am I guess, but I probably just need to man up and not speak to her/text her. See but the thing is, she pretty much contacts me every day. So what do I do about that? Just ignore them? Or ask her to stop?
There was a point when I did actually try this for a day or two. If you read my huge book of a post (sorry for the length) when I did just ignore her texts and calls for a day when she was upset about three weeks into the break, I got a good response out of her. I mean, she even called up my work all upset. The complete NC is hard though because I don't want to shut all the doors and burn all the bridges if she wants to come back. Also, I still have some of my belongings at her place, so at some point I will have to contact her so that I can go get those things. So I should really just go full out NC? See, and then other people who respond to my post say don't do this, but just keep contact light and let her contact you. I know ultimately the decision comes down to me, but it's just hard to choose the right path.
BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND! 1000 PERCENT!Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
Every time you see or talk to her you will have you 2 being together on your mind.
You have to go no contact. Tell her you need time for yourself. PERIOD. POINTBLANK.
Its not a lie it is very true. I completely understand your point. Its your emotions talking your holding out hope etc.. Nothing wrong with that but you need YOU time. My opinion is you need to completely walk away. NO CONTACT. I know the pain it will cause you but you have to be strong bro.
You know you better than anyone. Whether you two make it as a couple again or not, you can end this on friendly terms. Light contact, by light I mean don't you contact her, let her do it and don't answer every call or text. If things are just not going to work, the contact will gradually die off any way. But if you find her contacting you is too much, then you put and end to it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Thanks again for the response! Ok, so I think I'll get her a card (a non-mushy, basic birthday card) and possibly a gift card as well, and maybe drop it off, unless she contacts me and wants to hang out this weekend. Oh and that's another thing I wanted to ask you, should I just continue to do what I'm doing and let her contact me, and not contact her (unless it's something important like needing to get my belongings or if my car breaks down, again). And then if/when she does contact me, just respond to some of the texts and/or calls, but not all of them? That's pretty much what I've been doing so far, and yes, sometimes it causes my emotions to well up in me and make me miss her a whole lot, but I'm typically pretty good about handling it. I've only slipped up a couple of times and texted her letting her know that I miss her badly, and to me, a couple of times in about 2 months isn't that bad. If I do this, I think in the meantime I'll start working on myself so I can try to get her out of my head, and maybe chat with another girl or two? If I can find one that is - man it takes me forever to meet chicks... Sound like the right thing? I know you basically just told me that this is what I should do, but I got to double check. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Homegirl, quick question. I think I know the answer, but is the point of not answering every call or text to make her think that I'm busy and moving on with my life, and have other things to do besides sit around and wait for her to call or text?
Also, another thought, which I probably won't act on but just want to throw it out there to see what you guys have to say... What about an ultimatum? I mean, she is responsible for creating this situation and has made this big decision. Do I get to make any big decisions then? Like, couldn't I just be like, OK, well you wanted a break, and I didn't want one, but now I want some sort of decision as to what's going to happen here? I'm not sure but I think maybe doing this would probably be foolish and spell certain disaster, but I just want to know what people think because some of my friends have said that this might be a good idea. Suggestions anyone? I'm sorry I know I blab on a lot, but this kind of thing really helps me get some perspective and having people that have been through this kind of thing feeding me advice and ideas makes me feel way better.
That's part of it, but you don't want to be in the habit of waiting for every phone call, every text and by not answereing them, you are sort of training yourself to not be always in a state of "waiting" She will also come to realize that it is not good to call you for any and everything. This way if she really wants you back, she will have to come right out and say it and not assume you know cause she calls or texts all of the time.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
If you have gotten tired of the whole thing then yes, do it, but I would not give her an ultimatum, you want her to stay with you because she wants to, not because you have given her an ultimatum. When you get tired, you break it off completely. And only you know when you've reached that point.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Thank you, your advice is freakin' awesome! I don't know why, but I have the sinking feeling that she is probably going to just move on, but I'm not sure. I just got the feeling that, when I texted her yesterday morning to tell her that I really miss her and miss waking up to see her face, and she just responded with "Aww! I miss you too," that she just didn't really give a $h!t that I missed her. I responded to her "Aww" text with "ok" and she responded with "why did I just get an ok?" and I told her that I had really strong feelings of missing her today, frankly I felt like she was just responding to my text because she maybe felt like she had to and not because she felt a similar way. I also sent a text right after that saying "but maybe I'm reading too much into a text message" and she agreed that I was. She then texted me later that day to see how the rest of my day had been, and it told her it was good, but I feel like she was kind of just doing it out of obligation or something. Ahhh I hate this so much. I need to just drop it, I know I do, but it's so hard guys... I mean, she was my first love.
I think she is moving on. She knows how you feel and your texting her and telling her how you feel just makes it harder for her and you. I think deep down you see the hand writing on the wall. Don't text or call her. Stay as general as you can when she call ot texts you. I think she will eventually stop and you will eventually heal.
Ok well, she texted me today at like 10PM asking how my day was. I didn't answer. And honestly, I don't think it matters that I didn't answer, because she's just stringing me along, and I am seriously just sick of this $#!t. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but I keep getting the sinking feeling that she's moving on, and that I'm just her fall back plan or something. If this is the case, which I'm starting to realize it is now, I keep feeling like I am coming back to the decision I made before which is: I don't think its really fair for her to slowly let me go like this, and I don't think I should really have to take it, and let this relationship (or what's left of it) slowly fade away into nothingness. If I do let the relationship fade away, I'll feel like I didn't get out what I have to say to her, and I'll always wonder what would have happened if I just said what was on my mind. If I don't let the relationship fade but just ask her to either let me go or decide that she wants to be with me so that we can work on our future together, then at least I'll know I tried, and will look back at it knowing I did what I could. That way I can at least feel good about it, and have some kind of closure. Plus, letting this relationship fade out is giving her exactly what she wants - an easy way out with no confrontation, and that is just completely unfair to me, especially after all the crap I've been through. I mean, she got to make this huge decision about our relationship, did she not? Now it's my turn to make one. If I just let this whole thing fade away, then I am just letting her have her cake and eat it too, because she gets off without a hitch, which isn't right or fair. Letting me go this way sucks, because I am basically just fed up with waking up every day and thinking about her all day and hoping that she will call, or text, and being worried that she won't. It makes me feel like I'm frozen in time and can't move forward. I feel like this past 6 weeks has felt like 6 months. And, I need some kind of ending to this so that I can move on with my life and forget about her, even though I know it will be hard. So, I feel like I have to just end it, and do it face to face so that she sees the pain it has caused me, and realize that doing this kind of thing to people you love (or used to love) really hurts them.
My plan is this - her birthday is Friday. I'm not going to call or text or respond to a damn thing until Saturday. If I don't hear from her, and she doesn't invite me to hang out with her on her birthday, or makes no effort to contact me, then I guess the signs are pretty clear that she is through with me. If I don't hear from her, then I'm just going to call her and tell her we need to talk, face to face on Saturday when I get off work. I'm going to tell her that I love her, and that I want to be with her, but that this "break," or whatever the hell it is, is hurting me, and that I just cannot do it any longer. I mean, I never even wanted it in the first place. I'm going to tell her that she either needs to be with me and that we need to start working on our future together, or that I'm through, and she can call me when she gets her $#!t straight, and we'll see where we are in are lives at that point. I'm not going to blame anything on her, because I don't blame her for falling out of love with me, or wanting to have some space, or whatever. It happens. I can't change the way she feels, and neither can she really. I'm just going to make it clear that I cannot and will not be strung along because it's hurting me too much, and that she either has to commit, or let go. Sad thing is, I know what the answer will be, and so I'm preparing for the worst. But, I feel like this is really the best thing for me to do. From then on, its NC unless there is an emergency, or I need to get my belongings. Anyone out there got any pointers on this?
Freak:
We all understand how stressed out you are. The emotions are endless. It is like you are in a virtual mind prison with the constant thoughts.
However, you really need to maintain the discipline to stay away. The more that you contact her, the more you are going to force her away and the less she will think about you as a potential partner again. I realize that you need closure and it's tough. But focus now on yourself. Take a lot of walks and while you are losing weight get in great shape.
One thing I want you to understand, is advice from someone who is 20 years older than you and has been through this a few times. That advice is that the next one is always better than the last. As you grow and learn from the pain and constant questioning of yourself and your actions, you will be better prepared for the next relationship. I remember college going through what you are now dealing with. Never thought I would find someone as good as her. Well the next one made me realize how great someone else could be.
I highly doubt that my ex would be here considering he dumped me and this site usually consists of dumpees, but I don't care if he did. It would be a good way for him to find out what a LOSER he is after reading how many people on here called him one.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
She kows how you feel about her, you have told her before. What you are wanting to do does nothing but allow you to let off steam, Your giving her an ultimatum and then telling her to let you know what she decides does nothing but put you back in the waiting corner.
If you can no longer do this then don't, but don't give her any more choices. Tell her you love her, but you cannot play this game anymore and then end it. PERIOD. If she wants you it will be up to her to let you know, and she will. Otherwise, you know what the deal is, it's done.
So should I just not do this then? I mean, don't get me wrong, I do want to be with this girl if I can, but I feel like the longer this goes on the less that's going to happen. Plus, I look at all the other posts on here, and practically no one gets back with their ex. That's why I wanted to just tell her that I love her and want to be with her, but that I can't do this "break" business because it's just giving me false hope. I want to tell her that I think it's better if we just leave each other alone for now, unless she wants to work on our relationship together. Which to that I'm sure she will respond in the same way that she has before - basically that she needs more time - which basically means, from what I can gather, that she wants to be single and date others. Well, I don't have all the time in the world to wait for her, right? I need to get on with my life. Ahh this is so hard to decide what to do. I mean, what I REALLY want is for her to be drawn back to me. Half of the people I talk to say I need to just go NC, give her her break and let her realize she misses me, and then she will come back if it's right. These same people say that every time we hang out/call/text then it is just lowering my value to her. But if I do this, then aren't I just playing the waiting game that will more than likely fizzle out to nothing? Isn't that just false hope? And if I do that, then she gets off easy, which to me isn't fair, because I feel like that is maybe what she's trying to do - get out of this with the least amount of confrontation. I mean, who knows, I was never really confrontational with her ever in our relationship. I just sort of was silent if she was upset and trying to argue. Maybe she wants confrontation? Also, the waiting game is what is driving me crazy I think. Then the other half of people I talk to tell me I need to tell her face to face that I can't play this game, and that I love her and really want to be with her, but that if she doesn't want to work on getting back together then we just need to be done. I know ultimately it's up to me, and I really don't want to lose her but I probably already have...Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I totally agree with Homegirl's last post, FC. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, man. Read my story if you want to see an example of someone else who went through the "mental prison" days, to quote the poster above. Just to calm your nerves and anxiety, know that you're doing really well based on what I've read so far. You've managed to control yourself remarkably well, all things considered. I know how hard it is, but it does get better, slowly.
I totally understand the urge to issue an ultimatum. You probably feel like you have the right to, and in a perfect world you should, because you're getting stringed along, just like I was. The problem with doing that, though, is if she decides to stay with you after you offer her two choices, you will feel paranoid afterwards that she only stayed with you because you "forced her to." Can you see yourself in the future feeling that? That is why your ONLY option is to act decisively. She knows how you feel, and she will not ever forget you (two common fears that come up again and again). You need to make this easier on yourself, and focus on doing what is the right thing to do, and escape with your dignity intact, which it still is. In my humble opinion, no happy birthday (I made that mistake), calmly and politely get your stuff back (if she asks, say there's a few things that you've noticed you need lately), and disappear. If she TRULY wants you back and you are to feel good about a potential reconciliation (which may never happen, so don't get your hopes up), it has to be after a period of her own uninterrupted reflection on you, her, and the relationship. That is why no contact is an absolute must. No interruptions in her thought process. No interruptions in her ability to miss you. Just disappear for a while, as hard as that sounds. Keep firing questions, though, if you're still confused. Everyone's here for you, and can offer you an emotionally detached perspective, as you well know. And I know how hard it is to think straight in the immediate weeks following this crap.
End this with her. Tell her how you feel and tell her you cannot deal with it anymore. If she wants you back, the move will be hers. In the meantime, you will not be playing the waithing game and you know where you stand.
End it.
Well I wish I had read this before I just broke down and texted her back telling her my day yesterday was good (even though it wasn't), and asked how her day was. I also asked if she has to work today because if she says she does, I will go over on a lunch break and get some more of my things. I also asked her if she's excited about her birthday coming up. Man I am lame. But my Mom said it was lame for me NOT to text her back, but that I just shouldn't be in a hurry to do it... which I wasn't. I waited till the text day. I also got her a card and a gift card. My Mom thinks I should give it to her or drop it off or something, but I don't know... I don't want her to feel like I have anger toward her if I don't call her up and wish her happy birthday or give her a card or something. Mom also thinks I should wait and see if she wants me to hang with her on her birthday. If she doesn't, that's probably a good sign that things are for the worse. Anyone?Quote:
Originally Posted by clarityseeker
FC: Read my post by clicking on my profile. Specifically read the stuff posted by Chuff and Tal. I can't sum up their words, but they give some excellent food for thought about worrying about HER so much and whether SHE will be offended by what you do or do not do. Right now, your only obligation is to take care of yourself. Try to settle into that frame and blast through your frazzled emotional circuitry.
Don't worry in the least about texting her back. Take comfort in the fact that you can disappear at any time and move away from the intense pain that contact with her is causing you. The hardest part is going to be training yourself and your brain to STOP WAITING. That is by far the hardest part, and it only comes with you truly letting go of all hope. If she comes back without any contact from you, then at least you will feel empowered to make a decision in your own best interests and untainted by her feeling any pressure from you. As hard as it is, pretend starting NOW that she is not coming back and that this is over. It's the only way that you can fathom the idea of walking away, and it's still nearly impossible. Don't let anyone tell you this is going to be easy, but you need to do it.
I would get ALL your stuff back as soon as possible. It's only making things a lot more complicated. And as for the card/gift card, I'd keep the gift card for yourself, and keep the card simple (i.e. nothing to do with you and her in the message). Don't get caught up in the urge to say something that you think will resonate with her in the card, because I think you'll find it has the exact opposite effect that you thought it would. Once her birthday's over and you have all your stuff back, you've got to disappear, not out of meanness, but for your own emotional well-being, and to create true space between you that needs to be there right now.
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