My son is 22 years old. He never went to college,thought the opportunity is there, and he hasn't had a job. He sleeps all day, plays games and watching movies all night. He comes up from the basement to eat. One caveat.. he has physical problems limiting his stamina and muscle strength which makes him partially disabled but he is very intelligent. He can take care of himself and seems like a "normal" person. He says he is trying to save his money so he can move to a city and help homeless people! No entry level job for him! He has unrealistic expectations. He loves being around his parents and intelligent adults,however, he won't take their advice on how to use his gifts he has.I can't kick him out because he is very immature and does have health needs. How do I convince him to move and get his life started?

Of course you can kick him out, you just don't love him enough to be tough on him to force him to achieve.

So he will live in the basement till you both die and then be homeless

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Originally Posted by fr_chuck

of course you can kick him out, you just don't love him enough to be tough on him to force him to achieve.

So he will live in the basement till you both die and then be homeless

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Exactly...

You are really limiting him, by suggesting that he is forever in need of parenting, and that he cannot fend for himself.

And it is quite a poor excuse to say that you can't kick him out due to his disailities.

That he is disabled is not a life sentence to mother him.

If he's well enough to sit at a computer playing games all night, he can sit at a desk in school, and get his education and training to be productive. If he can get up and down the stairs to eat, he can get in and out of a bus to get himself somewhere other than home.

I don't imagine that whatever the nature of his disability is, that he is forever doomed to be taken care of like a baby. Unless that is the way you like it, and accept it to be.

You are doing him no favours in limiting him by smothering him with excuses and the luxury of no expectations. What you are not contributing is allowing him to grow up, make his own way in this world, the best he can, with what he has.

If you have a pretty good grip on what he can do- provide him with options. My advice to you is not to add the option that he can stay where he is, do nothing, and expect you to continue to support him. Give him a time limit. Give him brochures, local agencies that assist people with disabilities, web addresses to schools, support groups, and any and all resources that will assist him in moving on, and starting his own life.

I don't think this is so much about what he can/cannot do, it is about you allowing him to do nothing.

He is going to need a resume, and potiential future jobs are going to want to know what he has been doing all these years. Even volunteering a few hours a day or week will be very beneficial. He can work or volunteer in a homeless shelter!
I do not know what his disabilities are... do yo mind sharing so we understand better?
But either way, it sounds like he can be more than a couch potato. Also, how is he saving money if he is not working? Is he receiving disability check? And if he can help the homeless later, why can he not do it now??
Tell him future employers are going to need work experience on a resume.

Also, can he be depressed?

I appreciate and accept all your answers. I do believe at times he is depressed. My brother is a psychologist and does talk with my son. Also, I understand learned helplessness and it has been a big part of our lives. The difference in attitude my husband and I have towards this does not help the situation. My husband sees our son's physical disability and I see his waste of intelligence and goodness he has to share. I have even taken my son to San Francisco, we are from Iowa, to encourage him. He stayed 1 month on his own which was huge; it killed me to watch him walk away too. Then he went back on his own for 2 months but came back. He is so naïve that he thinks he can survive on the disability money he does get. Even though he is an only child, he has huge family support; and all very successful and educated. They have all offered for him to live with them or in their cities so he wouldn't be totally alone. The bottom line is , my husband needs a new attitude as much as my son does. I know what you all say is true and on many occasion I have said what will happen to our son if we die today? How will he talk care of himself? So, I guess, I am asking for suggestions as a family how to help my son find his own life? Counseling has been a route I have been trying to pursue.

It is not just your sons attitude or husbands it is also yours too.

Hello Betty,

From what I read, I believe that you aren't making his situation any easier. Sorry.

This isn't a 16 year old kid we are talking about. This is a 22 year old young man.

It is time to show tough love. There are people who have medical problems, who go to college, cook, clean, work, some times works 2 jobs.

It has to stop! You hit it on the head when you mentiond what wouldhappen if you and your husband died? He wouldn't know how to take care of himself, and that is you and your husbands fault.

I can see that you care very much but you need to set him straight. No more hiding in a cave, watching television all day long.

He needs to be proactive.

Let me ask you, how long has this been going on with him?

In some ways you are between a rock and a hard place.

It may very well be best to get yourself and your husband into counselling to help come to a common understanding of what should be done, vs. what cannot be done.

When it is all put on the table, maybe your husband will realize that by doing nothing, and not having any expectations of his son, his son will adapt to the lifestyle he has right now, and not wish to budge. To make these changes now for him, as opposed to 10 years from now, will be difficult, if not impossible to do. And by then, opportunities may not be as abundant or suitable either.

If your husband refuses to go with you, I advise you to go on your own. You will at least get another point of view, and maybe some tips and suggestions in how to turn this around, so that everybody makes the best decisions for your son's sake.

Nothing like this is ever easy, but sometimes, the effort to go through the struggle of doing the right thing, is worth everything.

Talk to your husband again and point out how by not forcing the issue, your son is only falling further behind in what he will need to be successful on his own at some point.

By doing nothing, no real encouragement to make a decision, no real support to gain the necessary education or experience he needs, you are actually doing him a grave disservice. He is an adult and needs to take on more adult responsibilities. Give him a choice for exchange of living at home... school or work.

When he was little, did he get to avoid doing chores? Was he not expected to help out around the house or yard? Did he get to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted? You taught him to take on responsibilities that were appropriate for his age as part of the lessons parents teach their children to prepare for later life. He still needs those lessons, those words of encouragement, and sometimes that push to keep moving forward to meet his potential.

Yes, if he wants clean clothes to wear, he has to do his own laundry, perhaps if he wants to eat, he has to do the dishes,

My teenagers have to do that

Is there a senior citizen complex in your area? If there is check with them, most allow young adults with handicaps to live there and usually based on their income. I know a 22yro male doesn't want to live in a senior apt complex, but listen, he will be on his own and developing some responsibility. Remember Im not talking a nursing home, just apartment complex.
In our area they have one and allow younger people and it seems to work really well, because these seniors take a interest and make sure these younger people have food,getting clothes washed,but they also don't interfer with someone if they are not wanted.