To get over a 2.5 year relationship that I have ended? Just so that I have an idea of what I'm up against. One month? Two?

It takes as long as you let it take.

You can be stubborn and prolong your recovery by not taking steps to move on and it could take you a year. Or, you could start NOW and cut off all contact, put all the things that remind you of her in storage, and you'll be well on your way within a few months! It's really about how hard you try. That, and simply taking time.

We are all different ,but when you get t the point your over the pain and misery and feel ready to take life on its own terms then I would say you have moved on and ready to enjoy life. It could be a month or a year depending how well you make the adjustment

I have a question - was this with a married guy?

That's screwed up and wasn't a relationship. You were his mistress. Remember?

This may take a long time to work through - it was totally mentally wrong. Wrong.

It takes different periods depending on the person.
I personally think after a long term relationship that one should be single for a while and learn about themselves again.
Only because I have seen many people think they are over there ex's and move onto another relationship only for that one to end when they relaise they weren't.
Happens a lot. You'll know when your fully recovered!

I'd allow a good 6 months at least.

A very good member we used to have here used to say that it is a lot like a greiving process when losing a loved one to death.
In some countries they give the person 12 months to completely get over it befiore they have to work and care for themselves again.
Now I'm not saying that one should stop all activities but I think it certainly takes a lot longer than people think and this period should be adequate to be comfrtable again.
I am a big advocate of not rushing back into relationships. They seem to always fail!

Here's the problem - this lady posted before - she was seeing a married man. Her situation is much different.

I really think she should see a counselour to get over this guy BECAUSE she was not in a healthy relationship at all. He was using her for 2.5 years - always promisng to leave his wife - guess what - he's still with his wife.

Her mind twisted in way that are not fair to a normal person. Married guys who have mistresses basically control the mistress.

I say work through your emotions and your grieving process and stay active, work out, work more and meet more people! Do you really want to get over it?

Yes Wildcat21. It's me - the mistress. He never did promise to leave his wife. I never expected him to leave her either. Nor did I have any intentions of leaving my husband. I just wanted something special on the side because I fell for him.

Anyhow, I'm in the process of ending it and was just wondering how long it would take for the pain to go away. I don't want this to end but it had to come to an end because it was destroying everyone involved.

Basically - you made a big mistake. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives - (some big mistakes & some small ones). Cut contact completely & just LET GO! He was using you & disrespecting you the whole time!

Quit allowing yourself to want him - you were wrong - he was wrong! GET MAD! He shouldn't have taken advantage of you! He saw something weak in you!

You may not be at a point in your life to face the facts - you may even think you wanted it. But you WERE married - and I'm sure deep down inside you felt guilt. You probably even shared your feelings with him several times. But he still pursued you.

So, to sum it up GET MAD! TELL HIS WIFE! TELL YOUR HUSBAND!! QUIT YOUR JOB!! START OVER!! ASK FOR FORGIVENESS!!

Be true to yourself & face the consequences. You will feel so much better to have everything out in the open - & once you become true to yourself. And when you quit lying & cheating you will find that your over him.

I do think that everything happens for a reason (including this).

"in the process"?? How about today? No more contact ever with this guy.

This was a horrible situation - very unhealthy. Very unhealthy.

The day you end it is the day you feel better.

+ I highly advise telling your husband if he doesn't already know. You should go to counseling with your husband immediately as well and figure out WHY you did this.

This is not ending a relationship - it's repairing YOUR MARRIAGE!!

You're in the "process" doesn't sound like you've 100% made up your mind to stop it. You see, stopping is like this: If someone was beating your head with a bat, would you want them to stop hitting you or would you want them to start the process of not hitting you... big difference.

No more contact. Just, stop. Don't talk to him about it, don't let him try and negotiate, make you feel guilty, put doubt in your head, just don't allow it. I am so anti-mistress for lack of a better word it isn't even funny, but I will refrain from beating you down like a dog because you probably already feel like one and someone else telling you you're an immoral idiot isn't going to change anything.

I'd rather tell you that I really do hope you feel shame and remorse for ever cheating your husband out of the wife he deserves and for stealing time, money and emotion away from your lovers wife and family. I think you must feel this and this is why even the thought of leaving is going through your head, I hope you're strong enough to actually do it.

You really will feel better about yourself and maybe that confidence will help you to make better decisions for yourself and others in the future. We can encourage you through this if you need it, but can only help if you're honest with us.

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Originally Posted by wrappedup

to get over a 2.5 year relationship that I have ended? Just so that I have an idea of what I'm up against. One month? Two?

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How long? How long do you want it to last? Only you can make that decision. Like others have commented - start getting back into life. Find some new interests and pursue them. Go to counseling or a support group if you think that will help. Get back to where you love yourself first and enough so that whatever you do, it is for your best interests and health. In short, get off the stick and jump back into life.

"How long? How long do you want it to last?" - It never should have happened!!

You feel massive guilt - that's why you feel bad - this was wrong.

WHY did you cheat on your husband - is a bad guy? Abusive? No sex?

Next time get a divorce first.

Your feeling the MASIVE guilt from lying to YOURSELF and the world for 2.5 years.

I amy be blunt - but lets get the heart of the matter - THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME BIG Time IS IN YOUR Initial post you kind of sugar the whole siyuation - like it was a real relationship.

BOTTOM LINE IS YOU'VE BEEN LYIN GTO YOURSELF - AND THAT REALLY, REALLY UNHEALTHY!!

I realize what all of you are saying. But I can't move forward without any confidence.
I'm not even talking about looks-wise. I talking about self worth. I wish I had more, I don't know why I lack it so much but I do. How do I get this? If I had more self confidence, maybe this process would be a littler easier to deal with. Maybe I would have never gone down this road to begin with...

One thing to be remember - YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY YOUR MISTAKES! You are a daughter, a friend, (maybe a mother), co-worker. I'm not sure about your religious beliefs - but I hope you believe in God. And He does forgive you - if in fact you have asked for forgiveness. It will be OK!

I promise you will feel so much better about yourself once you have come clean to everyone. Don't be scared to face the consequences. You made a mistake. A very big mistake - but unfortunately it happens to a lot of people. I hesitate to tell you this story but I think it may make you feel better...

My husband and I were having a hard time about a year ago. He was good to me but I was neglected. (If you read back through some of my other postings - I have talked about this a little bit before). Anyway, there was this guy that I used to work with. He was charming - somewhat handsome - but what was really attractive to me was that he noticed me. Everyday I was complimented - told how pretty I was. (I wasn't used to it - & I was surprised to be getting attention). So, it began. Nothing ever physical happened - I never saw him outside of work - never even touched his hand. But I was beginning to wonder it would be like not to be with my husband. I told this person that I felt like we were doing something wrong since both of us married - but he kept on insisting that it was harmless - that we were JUST flirting. But it really bothered me - I felt like I was cheating. (In fact now I realize that it was an emotional affair) I would think of him when I was at home. I looked forward to seeing him when I went to work everyday. It was causing problems in my relationship at home. Now, this only went on for a couple of months (not 2.5 years) but I do believe if I hadn't stopped it - then I probably would have been in a similar situation as yourself. I ended up telling my husband - and he flipped out! He looked up his address somehow & went to his house! He told his wife! He even called our boss - to tell him to check our e-mails! (To say the least - I quit my job!) It was a horrible time. But we decided to work things out - in fact we are happier now than we had been for years. I really do feel like he is my best friend. We sat down & talked about everything. We sold our house & moved into a more affordable rental property. And I stay at home with our 3 year old (which was always a dream of mine - but we could never afford because of our bills) - we traded in one of our vehicles to lower our payments. And I am the happiest now than ever. I was proud of myself for being true & it felt like a big weight had been lifted off me. I knew that whatever happened that God was proud of me for telling the truth.

I told you this because I want you to know that you CAN turn this around. I'm not sure of your religious beliefs - but I strongly suggest you go and talk with your preacher & pray and ask for God to help you through this hard time. I assure you that this too will pass. Just be true to yourself and come clean. You will begin to regain yourself worth after your conscious is clear.

You feel this way - because it's all been a big lie. The truth has to come out. ALL this stuff you MUST discuss with your husband - tell him how you feel. Get it over with - tell him everything.

Can you? If not - you should be married - AND maybe that's the problem.

You have NEVER mentioned your husbnad - I assuem he doesn't give you any attention? And that' probably the big problem.

Coming clean scares the hell out of me. I do have a husband who cares for me deeply. Who is still very attracted to me. Who is a wonderful man. I'm just not attracted to him, maybe not in love with him anymore. These feelings existed way before I started this affair. I also have a son who I'm afraid I will lose in the process if I were to come clean.

If could go back I would never have done this.

You won't loose your son - 'blood is thicker than water'. No matter what he will always be your son. You will be a good role model for him - by telling the truth. Tell him what mistakes you made for he won't do the same. And your husband deserves the truth. This might be the end of your relationship with your husband - but by not telling him you are living a lie. So, tell him & face the consequences. (Truth by known - your husband probably has suspected something)