Over the past 3 years I developed a very close relationship with a female friend - we talked almost every day, went to the gym together, worked on school volunteer commitees together, etc. . During this time she opened up to me and told me all about her problems with her spouse and I encouraged her to talk to a professional about it. She did and started seeing a counselor with and a counselor without her husband.
A few months ago, we had a big argument over really nothing, I apologized and she told me that it was all o.k. and all was forgiven, and I believe her. However, as time has passed she has become more and more withdrawn, will not share anything personal anymore, will not return phone calls or emails and doesn't want to do anything together anymore, she told me "it's not personal" but wouldn't tell me why she doesn't have time for anythign anymore. It's the same excuse: " I have too many things to do".
I am heart broken over this, I have a ton of friends, a big extended family 2 blocks away and an amazingly supportive husband and four great kids, but I feel like part of me is now missing. She was the one friend I could be completely honest with and she helped me overcome some major personal obstacles and now I feel abandoned and thrown out.
Part of me wants to keep doing what I always did as far as supportive phone calls and emails and part of me is very hurt.
Any insight on her behaviour or how to deal with it would be great.
Thank you for reading, this is tearing me apart and my husband and kids are getting frustrated with my moping around.

:(

First of all, I think you should really share what the argument was about... in this argument did something slip out that it shouldn't have? Also, I'm not sure because I don't have enough information, but it could be possible that she is becoming depressed. People who are depressed exhibit these types of symptoms and its possible maybe that her marriage is falling apart... I know that you think that she would tell you this but if she isn't letting you in on her personal life and problems there's a reason. I think that reason is that maybe she doesn't feel that you would really understand. If her marriage is falling apart the last person she would want to talk to is her friend who's marriage is actually going good. Now Im not sure about this, but it would really help if you talked about the argument. Its also possible that she just doesn't feel like you really understand her. Maybe she doesn't feel like she can talk to you anymore. Maybe she's just tired of trying... I don't know, this is all theories... but if you tell me about the argument and how much you guys disagree over things, it would help.

Accept it, and give her space to deal with her own issues, not a big deal. And stop moping around, and give your family the attention and love they deserve. You can't monopolise other peoples business, so back off, when she wants you to know she will tell you.

Thanks!
To clarify one point, I am not quite neglecting my family... but they know I am sad and they have noticed that my buddy is "not herself". They adore her also. But thanks for the mental slap anyway :).

I was the only person that she ever opened up to regarding anything and we could talk for hours on end about stuff. Also, she was the one person I could trust with anyting without fear of it going elsewhere. And our mutual group of friends always think of us as a "pair". And she always told me she wasn't jealous of my great relationship because "she knew better" and my family has always welcomed her with open arms.

Argument: we were in the middle of some major projects that we have always worked together on (all volunteer stuff), she had taken on more than her fair share (typical) and I kept trying to help with some of the stuff. She finally told me to take care of this particular piece of the project. I did, when I sent it for her to look at, she sent back the original project COMPLETELY REDONE without an explanation. During that time, just to make matters more complicated, I didn't know that I was having an extremely bad reaction to a medication that had my nerves on edge, so what should have been a simple "hey, turkey, what did you do that for?" turned into a tantrum in my part.
Like I said, I apologized big time and then when I found out what caused the overblown reaction I told her and she said "aren't you glad you blew up at me?".

This happened in October... since then, it's been like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... some days she would give me a big hug when saying hi and bye, and then total silence for a week. She has responded to "work" emails but you get more warmth from your freezer.

Last week, our group needed to meet about a function at the last minute and by default the meeting ended up being at my house, and to my surprise, she came. It was interesting to hear my 17 year old daughter tell me yesterday: Mom, what was wrong with "auntie x" on Wednesday, she looked like she was ready to chop a few heads off (and this particular daughter of mine isn't very observant unless it's a 17 year old boy... ).

The one thing I know is that "things" were on "the mend" with her husband, but she didn't sound too thrilled about that and she still looked to me like she hasn't slept in weeks...

I don't want to abandon her because she's like my sister, but I also don't want to keep getting hurt... and what do I do about her Xmas present? Mail it? REturn it? Keep it for myself?

Never in my life I've had such trouble with a friend... and we soon will start working on another school project (like I said, people think of us as one entity... sort of like Abbot and Costello - me being the funny, chubby one... ).

Have a great day!

Send her present and back off after that. That's all you can do is respect her wish for space.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tallarin

Over the past 3 years I developed a very close relationship with a female friend - we talked almost every day, went to the gym together, worked on school volunteer commitees together, etc. . During this time she opened up to me and told me all about her problems with her spouse and I encouraged her to talk to a professional about it. She did and started seeing a counselor with and a counselor without her husband.
A few months ago, we had a big argument over really nothing, I apologized and she told me that it was all o.k. and all was forgiven, and I believe her. However, as time has passed she has become more and more withdrawn, will not share anything personal anymore, will not return phone calls or emails and doesn't want to do anything together anymore, she told me "it's not personal" but wouldn't tell me why she doesn't have time for anythign anymore. It's the same excuse: " I have too many things to do".
I am heart broken over this, I have a ton of friends, a big extended family 2 blocks away and an amazingly supportive husband and four great kids, but I feel like part of me is now missing. She was the one friend I could be completely honest with and she helped me overcome some major personal obstacles and now I feel abandoned and thrown out.
Part of me wants to keep doing what I always did as far as supportive phone calls and emails and part of me is very hurt.
Any insight on her behaviour or how to deal with it would be great.
Thank you for reading, this is tearing me apart and my husband and kids are getting frustrated wtih my moping around.

:(

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This happends to me but with my male friends and I am a chick. I think the space thing is probably best. Also sometimes what people mean to you and what you mean to people might be different. Hurts to find out that even though you are having the time of your life and you think the fun is mutual, it sometimes its not. The Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde thing I can totally sympatize with I have one of those in my life!. lol... and its very frustrating at times! My closest of my guy friends(and I am married I am going to add)has been awol for months now, we run into each other here and there and my kids flip when they finally get to see him, but he's far to busy with his new girlfriend to have 10 minutes to listen to my problems when less then 6 months ago we would be on the phone once a week venting. It was like my free therapy without judgement and I miss it! Well now that I have gone on and on.. good luck maybe a card saying you care and then back off and see what happends!

Part of the confusion for me lies in the fact that I was told several times how important I was in this person's life and how she hoped we'd be friends forever, and then one day, it's like a switch turned off...
Laying low is hard for me, because I know she's going through a rough time, but I guess I'll just have to wait it out, if she meant what she said, I hope she's back...

Perhaps you could email you friend a nice long email stating these feelings for her. You could let her know how you really feel about the situation and that you will be there when she needs you again. Sometimes people just need space to figure out who they really are. It seems strange that she would stop all communication with you, when you are best friends. Again, I suggest just email her your feelings, or call her if she will talk to you on the phone and in this conversation also let her know that you will be giving her some space but that you are they when she is ready.

I wish you the best of luck!!

She's your best friend. You go to her home (when you know she's there of course), you drop off her gift with a nice letter that is short and to the point about your concerns (not fears, don't draw on the drama), tell her you would expect her to be forthcoming if you did or said anything offensive. Tell her you love her so much that although you miss her, you will respect her unspoken wishes of being left alone and end it with a heartfelt "I'll be here when you need me, you know where to find me..."

When you drop off the gift, apologize for the unannounced visit but you've just been so busy and made it a point to drop off the gift before Christmas in between your errands. DO NOT STAY OR GO INSIDE, REMEMBER, YOU'RE A BUSY BUSY GAL.

If she's having trouble with her mending, she may be embarrassed, confused or whatever and just can't bring herself to talk about it. Give her space. Respect her wishes. Don't call, write, text, email or send smoke signals until she makes the first move. Capisce??

I think it might have a lot to do with her husband.. maybe they're having more problems than you even know about.. the only thing that I can say is that you just have to be there for her... whatever you do, Don't pressure her to talk about her life unless you call her and she's crying. Just let her know by your actions that you are here for her. I know it will be hard for you in the next while to be nice to her and to treat her with kindness, but you have to believe me, you need to treat her with kindness, no matter what. It doesn't matter how hard it is, she needs you so bad right now. She's going through a lot right now, and I just hope that you can pull it together and be there for her. She's going to continue to give you this "silent" treatment for awhile, but just know that she's going through a lot right now and if you lose your cool with her, she won't want to be your friend. She will stop all contact with you, even if you call her. You have to understand, that this is one of the biggest trials of her life right now, and she needs a true friend to be there for her. Don't give up on her. I think in her head, part of her is jealous about your family, and part of her also feels like she can't relate to u. And in a way, she's right. How can anyone possibly know what she's going through, unless they have gone through it themselves? You cant. I think that you should mail her the present, but you should also know, that the kindness you give her is not going to be returned right away. She will still give you this type of treatment, but you have to understand that a lot of it comes from her personal problems. Just be patient, be there for her. She needs kindness and patience now more than ever and if you do blow up on her, that will be the end of your friendship for a long, long time, if not forever. If u want, talk to her and tell her that you know that she's going through a hard time right now, and that you care about her and that your not going to give up on her and that your going to be there for her even if she doesn't return it. And if you tell her this, Don't expect everything to be OK between you two the next day. Because it won't be. She needs u, now more then ever. Don't be impatient with her, don't get mad at her for her silent treatment. Give her kindness, let her know ull be there for her no matter what... Be there for her, no matter what. No matter how much silent treatment she gives u, be there for her!! She needs it! Trust me, please. If u get mad at her, your friendship will be over. She doesn't think that you could possibly understand what she's going through and she doesn't want to tell you what's going on.. but whether she ever admits it or not, she does love u... she needs a friend with an immense amount of patience, kindness and understanding right now... shes helped you through so much and if you blow up on her, in her mind, she's going to think "cant she see what im going through? Ive been there for her even though its been hard, and the time i need her the most, she gets mad at me...she doesnt understand me and theres no way i would have treated her like this" She needs you to be patient with her and show kindness, no matter what... Shes going to still give you the silent treatment no matter what you do for her, but every time you want to get mad, remember that she needs you and that your helping her, even though she won't admit it. This is going to go on for awhile, but if you do give her this patience, she will eventually come around... but just let you know, it's a long ways away, months, maybe a year... Dont give up on her, don't blow up on her, be there for her, she needs u.

Hi everyone, thanks...
Problem with emailing is that her and her Husband share the same email account, and I think that he has read some of the emails we exchanged, which until August were very personal and supportive both ways (like I said, I had a really rough spell myself because this one medicine made me suffer from something akin to depression combined with PMS from H*** until I got off it).

In one of our conversations she let it slip that he was ticked about that all the emails and phone calls (we talked on our cells 'cause it's free).. o.k. so we emailed a lot but we still got our things done :). I have seen emails go around where we were both copied and in her response she took me out...

I think that what I'll do is keep her present here and wait and see if she comes over (yes, I'm an eternal optimist) I did ask her if I'd see her before the 24th and she literally asked me what the 24th was and then never gave me a straight answer if she doesn't I'll drop it off at her house.

It's strange... I just feel like a huge part of me is missing... I'm an only child and she's the closest thing to a sister I've ever had (even though I have cousins coming out of the wood work.. ).

And the not calling feels weird... because I've always left silly, goofy or caring messages on her phone on a regular basis...

Oh well... laundry calls... thanks again... and I promise I won't blow up at her...

What exactly did you argue about? You say it was "over really nothing" but from her point of view there may have been more to it than that. Also, I wonder if maybe some other personal trauma recently happened to her, even if it had nothing to do with you directly? Things like that sometimes cause people to react in strange ways, including abandoning their friends. In any case, you're going to have to accept the fact that this friendship is over, at least for now. Spend time with your husband and family and your other friends. Pursue new interests that don't include this person. Whatever happened to her isn't your problem. You've got to go on with your own life. Your "moping around" isn't fair to your husband, family and other friends.

Hi there again...
If you read my second post, you will find out what the argument was about and also that she told me it was all forgiven. Yeah there's other trauma, but so far we had been navigating that road together. My family and I spend quite a bit of time together (hard to accomplish with teens in the house, but we do, which a great feat) and I've met up with some other friends, but there's no one I am willing to trust like I trust her...

I have a... perhaps off the wall view of what happened here.

She was having trouble in her marriage and complained to you about it. You gave her advice.

At some point instead of coming to you she went to a counceler and started sharing her problems with him.

At that point your friendship became less meaningful to her because she was sharing her problems with the counceler.

I wouldn't even give her the present. I'd start to back away, quit sending her emails, and start to focus on your work and yourself. I think you've been fair from what it sounds like. Now back away.

I have a hard time with the no present routine although it crossed my mind several times this week... for one silly reason (in my mind): she said it wasn't personal. Since this is a friendship, not a love relationship, is it fair to discount all the good stuff from the past three years? I know that I wouldn't be where I am as a person if she hadn't been there for me 1 year ago, even my husband has agreed with this point of view (like I said, my family adores her). We always joked that we took turns digging each other out of ditches...

Guys, if you would have seen her eyes 2 weeks ago, I think you'd be sad too..

But, 'tis the season to be jolly and I have a ton of presents to wrap... so THANKS! For your support, and if you have any more insights or mental slaps, feel free...

Again, I just say all you can do it inform you friend of your feeling and your love for you in some manner, via phone, email, phone call, letter, in person what ever method you choose. Let her know the when she is ready, you will be there for her. It seems that you are blaming yourself for this distance, yet it may just be that she is dealing with things in her life that perhaps she must deal with alone or with her husband. It would be selfish of you, to try and possibly stop her "healing process" before she is ready to seek you out again. Express you feelings once, then back off until she is ready. It sounds as if you are a very caring person and seem to be taking this very personal again you,, but it really sounds to me that she is just working on herself right now with the help of her counselor, which may be the very best for her getting her life right.
Well, I wish you the very best. I think we all can sense you pain and disappointment, but perhaps you too could use this time to focus more on yourself and your family. Which is seems you also already to,, but one can never spend too much time with family. Well that is a healthy loving family,, lol. I have to be careful there, for not all family get along to well.

Good Luck

After talking to my cousin, we've come to the conclusion that my friend is probably going through major depression... I know she has been seeing a counselor for a few months now... is it normal for her to be WORSE than she was when she started seeing this therapist?.
And nope, not neglecting the family... but I did kick them all out today or I'll never get their presents wrapped :)... plus I'm mad at the two youngest ones, they left me in the dust playing Mario Kart yesterday... you THINK they'd let mom win the day before Xmas Eve!! They are ruthless I say!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night... If anyone has tips on depression or Mario Kart...

You mentioned that her husband was upset over all the emails and phone calls. Is it possible that he may be upset because he feels that she is disclosing way too much personal information about their very personal and very intimate problems?? Maybe he feels betrayed and has let her know he feels uncomfortable with that?

I might find myself getting a little tweaked if I found my spouse sharing every detail with his best friend. Talking to a friend for support is okay, but if you talk so much to the friend instead of saying all these things to your spouse, there's a problem. Your problems won't get solved by your conversations with your friend.

I think your thinking way too much about this. I mean to me it sounds like your trying to do the right thing but your almost care too much, if you know what I mean. I say that because it just doesn't sound healthy to you. You think about this but this is a problem for her to work out. If she needs you, great be there, but if not move your energy into something else and perhaps something that you can change. At this point you can't change what's going on so you just have to accept it.

Nahh.. our emails were never their relationship... but we traded a lot because of the myriad of volunteer projects we work on together... and I like sharing the good stuff with my friends... no, I don't send chain letters...

Yep, you guys are right... I do care too much... having a door slammed on your face without warning or explanation is a bit unnerving... especially when at the same time you are told that life without your friendship cannot be imagined...
Or maybe it's because my husband never flinched about the time we spent together either hanging, talking or emailing... and we still managed to do a ton of stuff as a couple and with the kids (O.k. so there were a few dust bunnies... ).

Oh... and I mailed a present... but not what I had planned since last Christmas... instead something very impersonal (couldn't quite cut that tie yet... ).

I am dreading the start of our new project... how do you work with someone who doesn't answer your emails when you need the stuff they are doing??

Stay tuned... and Chuff... thanks for the mental slap... I do have plenty of stuff to spend my energy on... actually people always tell me to drop projects before I have a heart attack or something...

You guys are all great... glad I ran into this place...


Merry Christmas... or Happy Holidays...

I am dreading the start of our new project... how do you work with someone who doesn't answer your emails when you need the stuff they are doing?? Quote.

I believe you can't make someone care about you, if they don't. So if you need "stuff they are doing", maybe find some other way of finding the stuff somewhere else instead.

I believe you have shown how much you care. The ball is in her court to either receive it or not. That is all you can do. Sometimes, we lose friends in our lives that mean a lot to us. Sometimes it can take years before we realize how much they meant to us. Sometimes some people have to work on their own problems before they are open to being open to someone else again. There are a lot of reasons people lose touch.

Like me, I have this friend named Sue. We were inseparable as teenagers and young adults. Did everything together. But later in life, we were on opposite paths. She was still out partying every weekend, while I was home breast feeding.

Now, she is home breast feeding and I am again out partying!

We lost touch because our lives weren't similar at the same time. I still think of her often, especially around the holidays.

You know that sort of friend that if you picked up the phone even after years of not talking, you can bring yourself right back to where you were without difficulty. Like no time has elapsed. Real friends are there, forever. All it takes is a phone call. An email. A letter. And although, you maybe on different paths at the time, the strength of the relationship is always there. Because of memories. And because of the love you shared for each other. Now that is a life long friend. Love you, Sue!

Maybe there's hope for us to be on the same path together in our fifties? But I think we will look funny being metal heads by that time!? And then again, maybe not. Lets get thrashed!

I think I need to call her! Now where's that number, again?

Someone who doesn't care about you should NOT tell you that you are special and how they cannot imagine life without you as a friend and then turn around the next day - literally - and tell you they don't want to do things with you and not answer their phone... it really messes with your head...

And yeah... if she ever calls, I'll be there... but I have come to the conclusion that me growing four inches is a more likely event... I think I am going from sadness and brokenheartdness to plain ole anger, whose head can I bite off today... GRRRR...

But alas, since it's Xmas Eve... there are waaay better and happier things to do... except for the fact that I'm out of YEAST and dear hubby is at the store but didn't take his cell phone...

Yeah... I'm digressing... Thanks y'all... stay tuned...

May Santa bring you what you want... and if you don't celebrate, may you have some peaceful days... lots of good movies out there...

Yes, I would think it would mess with your head. But she may be the hermit sort. Which may entail needing time to herself for the time being. I have an Uncle who is like that. Lives alone. No famiily contact. No friends. Yet, we care about him. We send him cards around the holidays. Leave messages every so often on the phone and never get a call back. It is very sad. But we always tell him we are hear if he ever wants us. That will never change. It is different, I guess with family. But you do what you can to ensure that those that you care about know that you care about them. And keep the door open. It is in there court after that.

So... do I leave a "Happy New Year's" Message or not? Y'all might remember that she said "It's not personal".... so if I was to believe this, I should continue treating her like I always have (goofy messages, goofier cards, emails - o.k. I cut down on those) OR??

I have been having an awesome holiday with my gang here at home and with a ton of friends, but I'm still hurting a lot... (I replaced some pictures on my desk that had my buddy in them and took her off speed dial... didn't help much. I haven't contacted her either - which goes against what my heart's telling me - because I have always believed in treating people like I want to be treated or at least trying).

Mental Slaps needed and appreciated... Happy New Year

Tallarin, leaving an email message wishing someone Happy New Year's is great. Especially, if you care about them. Now if she turned around and informed you that she did not want you contacting her what so ever...
Then that would be a closed door. But until then, sending little notes every once in a while to someone is great. Whatever, they are going through at some point in there lives. Someday, they may wake up and realize who really has always loved them. And maybe not. But at least, you tried. Especially, when it comes to girlfriends! But you also have to take into consideration that a real friend, wouldn't make you worry or miss them. Because they would always be there!

Actutally, it's a phone message... I don't email her because I don't trust that her DH will not delete it before it gets to her.

And believe me J... your last sentence has crossed my mind more than once this week. Especially because I would NEVER do that...

I KNOW I won't get an answer to my emails/phone calls/letters... so our next team meeting should be raaaather interesting...

"Actutally, it's a phone message... I don't email her becasue I don't trust that her DH will not delete it before it gets to her."

Tall, does she know you feel this way? Does she feel this way about her DH also? Why?

Tall, why are you continuing to do this? You got to let it go. She might like you - she might not like you, she may have a horrible husband - she may not have a horrible husband, she may have personal issues - she may not have personal issues. Why are you stressing over this? I don't mean to be rude about this but your maybe you come off so overly concerned about her that it scares her. It feels like your wanting to be part of every little bit of her life.

You seem like a great friend. You seem like a caring, concerned, loving person. I'm not taking that away from you. But if you have to ask if you should send a Christmas present then a New Year's message then I don't really think your friends. If you have a hint that your bothering her - you are. You know people change and grow and move on. Relationships change. Relationships end. Maybe she's reached a point in her life. Maybe it's neither of you. Perhaps she's just moving in a new direction.

I've said this before about my best friend in high school. After high school he moved about 5 hours away, I went on with my life, and we just lost touch. Several years later we ran into each other at a gas station. We had lunch, exchanged numbers and never called the other. He wasn't a bad guy. But he wasn't the same person I knew. I wasn't the same person he knew. Sometimes friendships end because people move on. You can't help it. You paths crossed for a time, value what you had and accept it. But focus on your path, not hers. Focus on your future and the value of your friendship that you can offer to others who want it.

Yo... Chuff... you are absolutely NOT being RUDE. And yes, people change over time not overnight which is what happened here. And the whole likes me/doesn't like me stems from HER attitude towards me from one day to the next, up until 3 weeks ago when she just dropped of the face of the earth the day after she came to my house for a meeting...

Thanks again!

Hello again... yeah... she's still not talking to me but she did send an email thanking me for Xmas present and actual handwritten card thanking me for the upbeat messages and the birthday present, but when I call, she'll let it go to voicemail...

Someone else by complete accident managed to get in touch with her, said "she didn't sound good"... I played the "I know nuttin card!" It just made me feel worse, but I don't betray confidences...

So far, I've hidden my anger and hurt from my messages... kept them to the goofy cheerie kind, but I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite for not telling her the truth. No, I am not moping around the house any more BUT for some reason the last couple of days, I felt like my heart just shattered... It's weird that a friend who is almost like a sister can have that effect on me... I thought only boys broke girl's hearts... Maybe it's because my OTHER best friend (numero uno, top banana) HUSBAND is going back on the road for a while... he's been working from home... and now I'm facing not having anyone to really confide in. Don't get me wrong, I have very many good friends... but the one I trusted abandoned me... Thank goodnes for four goofy kids that soon will be doing the comedy circuit... they keep me laughing...

Good night...

Accept that she has changed and move on. She may come to her senses sooner or later or... not.

Not to pat myself on the back but I think what I wrote on January 1st still holds true.

She left this relationship a long time ago. I think she left it long before you think she did. Truth is I know I've stayed friends with people hoping they would change, grow up, or just because they had been with me in difficult times but eventually I left. But I left as a friend long before I left physically. That's exactly what happened here. She either grew out of the friendship or wanted something different. Respect her and let her go. Respect yourself and let the mystery as to why go as well.

Unless they are the written kind, I am not good with mysteries, especially when I keep getting mixed messages such as "I don't know what I'd do without you" AFTER the "big blowup"...

Believe me guys, I have been working on letting go, but it's been hard, especially after I get phone calls/emails from folks asking if I've heard from her, or like when I was at a party last week and 6 people asked ME where she was (like I said, we used to be Abbot and Costello), or now that once again, that the dreaded collaboration project has surfaced (thank goodnes for email!! ). I even changed the pictures I had of us around the house (my kids looked at me REALLY funny when they noticed... ) and put a couple of the gifts she gave me away. And today, don't ask me why, but the thoughts came back and made me sad... same as when I got the card a couple of days ago... I guess I'm not used to being "thrown out" like a piece of used material.

Someone very observant mentioned "depression symptoms" when talking about my friend... hope she's taking care of herself... I will next week, once I finish a piece of work that's been giving me a headache and that it's due with my client on Monday...

THANK YOU! Again...