[talaniman]

Let me know when you're through ranting from your pity pot, and ready to harness the positive energy, and not the negative.

Truth be told the facts say you are finally free to pursue your own happiness.

Gain strength from the fact, that loving yourself is your goal, not finding another guy to warm your bed or fill your life with false hope.

[I wish]

How will I EVER find anything like that again? I just don't believe you can - and I can't stop being mad that I ruined it - I had everything I had ever wanted - and now it is all gone - and I have zero hope that anything like that will ever exist again.....

6+ billion other people in the world. Once you've met them all, then you can tell us that you won't ever find that kind of happiness again.

Though you might feel a lot of pain now, in the end, it's still an experience. The next step is to take this experience and channel it into positive energy.

Many have had painful break ups. Many have thought that they could not find love again. But the truth is, what we learned from our past relationships actually help us for the next relationship because we try to avoid making the same mistakes.

The past will always be at the back of minds, but life goes on and we can't keep living in the past, but we can learn from the past and make a better future.

[hopeflies]

Thank you for your responses - just seeing that there are people out there when you are struggling so bad - makes things better.

The sad thing is - I know these things and would offer others the same advice.

I just can't pull myself out of this slump. My work, sleep, eating - everything is being effected by this.

I have tried being active as much as I can, joining a new sport, talking with friends and family - but nothing is helping.

I have never felt this bad from a break-up before in my life. Last year he broke up with me before xmas - and I felt like this - but then we got back together after 2 weeks - I can't imagine feeling like this for the next few months - I don't want to feel this bad anymore - but I can't stop it!

[amicon]

You can stop it by staying focused on healing rather than staying stuck overwhelmed by grief.
0

[I wish]

Some things can't be rushed. It takes time to get over a person. Take it one step at the time. You can't expect yourself to get over this in one night. Be patient with yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

[hopeflies]

My dad says that same thing - that what has happened has happened - no amount of analysing and saying "if only I had done this - or that...." will change anything - and just look forward.

The only problem is that I have made these mistakes with my previous boyfriend (before this one) and now this one - seems like I didn't learn from my mistakes - and I allowed another relationship to crumble before my eyes.

I want to focus on healing - like you guys say - I want to move on - I want to stop the pity party - I just don't know how!

I have wrote someone about volunteering, emailed old friends, joined this and that, gym, etc, etc - do I just keep faking it till I make it?

Someone at work emailed me today "is everything ok - you don't seem like your normal happy self".. I didn't realise it is written all over my face -

I really want to move on - and be happy - I really do!

[amicon]

Faking it till you make it is not a bad thing-have a plan of action for your entire day,as in jump out of bed-into the shower-make breakfast etc etc.
We all make mistakes-not once but twice and frequently more times than that.
Make another plan to work on your issues so that you learn from them.
Maybe see a therapist to get help sorting it out?

[hopeflies]

I am seeing a therapist - I started seeing him about 8 months ago due to all of our fighting - but we have not made much progress because I am always in "crisis" mode because my boyfriend was breaking up with me almost every other week.

It was hard to get down to working on my own issues. The only reason I started going was to figure out my part in why we were fighting so much - we had agreed to work on the relationship - but when push came to shove - my boyfriend said that he wasn't willing to give up an hour working on us when he could be studying.

I know I know - I shouldn't look back - I just wish I could have dealt with my own issues before it was too late. But every time he broke up with me (which was usually every time we had an arguement) it took me days to recover and I was so angry at him for it. I don't think he realised how emotionally taxing it was to here "I am done! I am moving out!" almost every week!

[amicon]

Look-and I'm going to be harsh-an emotionally incompetent man who keeps threatening to break up with you at the drop of a hat has kept you in 'crisis mode' and you haven't been able to work on you?
Do you realise how you have allowed your need for his approval to run your life?

You are well rid of him.
You deserve better.

[hopeflies]

Thank you Amicon - I just wish I could get this through my head - which would make getting through this much easier.

My therapist has said that I have a choice in all this as well - that it is not up to him what happens - that I can make the decision as well to end this once and for all and move on - that my ex is not the one who is forcing me to do it.

My father also said that him breaking up with me so often was some form of emotional abuse and I am better off without him and that the next girl will probably go through the same ordeal. (Although he is a bit biased!) ;)

I just wish I could stop loving him - maybe people are right and it is more of an attachement (or co-dependency) than actual love - I don't know.

I just know that I want to be happy again and enjoy life - and be the smiley, happy person that I always used to be!

[amicon]

Well,they are both right-and I think you need a major detox from the so and so.
Knock him of that darn pedistal-he's an emotional incompetent, prince b****y charming he is NOT.
Be willing to work on YOU now and get help that will see how you can change this pattern of getting involved with dysfunctional wastes of space.
.

[talaniman]

For someone who claims they want to move on, you sure hold fast to excuses why you can't move on.

What he put you through is over, you just have to accept it, and let go.

Can't is not an option, and you are no longer in crisis mode. You're simply just stuck, and need some positive actions by YOU to get unstuck.

So tell us, what do you do for YOU!!!

So far all we have heard is what you are doing because of him!

[hopeflies]

I want to let go! I really do - I just don't know how. I try to not think about it - I try to exercise - I try to get involved - I try and I try.

I packed up his things last night - I have not had a drink in over 2 weeks.

I want to just write him a letter saying that I am done - that I agree breaking up is the best thing for us - for my own sanity - but I know that EVERYONE will say not to.

How do I get closure on this? He has been able to shut me out of his life now - made me out to be this horrible person and can easily get over me because he is mad. He won't even face me when he comes home to get his stuff. I wish he could feel an ounce of my pain.

I feel if I could just let him know that I agree that I could save face a bit... and maybe down the track we could be friends. We were friends for 16 years!

[vanheart]

The funny thing is that sometimes we don't get closure, and even if we did that doesn't change things.

As hard as it is now, it gets easier with time & effort spent in the positive direction. (ie: focusing on you, your future, not him or the past)

Its been almost 9mo. For me after a 5 year relationship & I sometimes still feel tweaks of rejection & anger, but have learned to let them pass quickly.
As those thoughts do not serve me in any positive way.

It sounds like your taking the right steps and getting some smart & solid advice.

Take things one step at a time. And don't even worry about a friendship with him until your heart heals. You may find by that time that you won't desire those things.

There's other friendships to be had.

[talaniman]

Closure=Acceptance

Once you accept the reality that things just wont work, you will have all the closure you need to move on and rebuild yourself and your life.

Anything else is your emotions, and grief talking to you, fueled by the false hope, that they can stay in your life, and you can be happy they are.

Some might, but face the fact and ACCEPT that you cannot, because you have not healed.

Closure is what people want when they cannot accept reality.

[hopeflies]

Maybe once he actually moves home and gets his stuff it will sink in and I will be able to accept it.

Even packing his stuff up felt good - but there is still that glimer of hope that once he comes home and actually has to leave - he may change his mind.

I just want to fast forward 3 weeks when he is gone.

Maybe it is better to wait and leave a note on his boxes that says I understand his need to focus on his studies this year - and I agree that this was probably the best thing we could do for both of us - good luck - and hope we can be friends later on.

[vanheart]

Stuff is just stuff.

And yes, fast forward to being happy, but regardless of him. Don't wait for him to change back. Its time for you to change now.

One thing that helped me was to realize that my ex was not my end all and obviously wasn't right for me.

After all, we brokeup twice. No reason looking for a third time. Friends don't do that.

[vanheart]

Honestly, you don't owe him another second of your precious time.

You've already given, and allowed him to drive.

You are the one in control now.

[hopeflies]

But he doesn't know that - and that is what is so hard to accept.

I need him to know that I am OK with this (even if it is a lie). That I don't need him to be happy. Right now I am sure he thinks I am pathetic and I will be pining over him like every other girl in his life. I think he actually enjoys having girls go crazy after him. I have been friends with him for 16 years - and that has always happened. I don't want to be added to his list of "crazy" girls.

I am starting to think that maybe he drove them crazy! Even the one he had in high school 16 years ago.

[vanheart]

You no longer need to take his feelings into consideration.

Who cares what he thinks, says or does now.

Just you. Its all about you, dear.

And well deserved from the sound of things.