[hopeflies]

Hello - after reading some other posts it is clear to me that I need to go into NC, but I just don't know how I can do it!

It's a long story so I won't go into all the details. Basically for the past year we have fought and fought, broken up numerous times. This time he had told me he is moving out and that he is "done". He says he still loves me but that love it not enough and that we are not good for each other in a relationship. We were friends for years before this so that makes it even harder.

Our last fight he said that he is moving out because he is in his last year of university and said the only thing that would make him fail is "us". He said that him and I equal fighting and that being apart from us is the only thing left to do.

So I pushed him to define what moving out was. And he said that he needed the next year without us but if we work after that we work, if we don't, we don't.

I have made the mistake of calling him everyday since trying to talk to him and understand whether there is a chance in the future or if this is it and I need to move on. He says its not fair to make me wait and that I should go be happy and do what I need to do.

So last call went bad and he was basically like "why are you calling me? You have an agenda and are thinking that all will be fine and I will move back in. But I am not. I can't be with you right now - we are so bad for eachother. I am going to change my phone number if you don't stop calling". -- last week he was calling me to chat like normal but after our talk where I was pushing him as to whether this was a "break" or a "break up" I feel I pushed him to far.

SOOOOOOO - NC is the only answer I think. I just don't think I am strong enough to do it - or strong enough to tell that little glimmer of hope to shut up and that it is over. I am soooooo lost right now.

[amicon]

You must respect his wishes.
Tough as it is you need to find the strength to do it.

Go cold turkey,delete all his contact details.

Keep busy,see friends and family and accept that for here and now,it's over.

Heartbreaking as it is,that's what you have got to understand now.

Be active in your approach to your healing and take it one day at the time.

Take care.

[jimseekinadvice]

Hey there, yes no contact is probably the right way to go right now. He has told you essentially he wants space. I know it can be tough in the beginning, trust me, even I didn't go no contact right away. Get busy so you are distracted, I know I did everything I had on my to-do list, i.e. go find a new job, work out, learn drums, reading books, get licenses. Contact some old friends and family and just hang out and have fun.

[Romefalls19]

You are strong enough, read the NC rules at the top of this forum. They are great and helped me do NC very well, I lasted 5 months of working with my ex without talking before I felt okay to talk to her. The only reason I knew it was okay was because I no longer wanted to be with her.

[I wish]

Check out my signature for all the NC related threads.

Think about it this way, if you break NC, it will make things worse because you will suffer more and push him away further. So why do that to yourself?

[hopeflies]

Thanks you very much for your posts! I know this is what I need to do it is just so hard (and I am sure everyone comes up with an excuse at this point). All this break talk and him moving out has been done over the phone as he is at home doing a work experience for a couple months. I just know that I will be back to square 1 when he comes back to get his things and move out next month!

I am also thinking that I should just pack my things and move home. I moved overseas to be with him and we were going to move back home together after he finished his last year of medical school. He told me that he still loves me but the only thing that could get in his way this year and could make him fail would be us. And that him and I = fighting so he needs to be away from it completely. He is trying to get back home and secure a residency so he is very stressed. I told him that I understand his need to move out and that it would be best for him to study.

I am just so lost right now. He said that he can't have us for the next year but if it works after that it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't. He says he doesn't want to ruin my life so if I need to move on with my life and go date and be happy to do it. He understands why I can't just wait around. This just hurts so much – if someone really loved you wouldn't the thought of you with another person make you ill?

We had talked about marriage, kids – the works, which I know makes no difference than anyone else who has broken up. I am in my 30's and really thought that this was it. And the thought of starting over again is horrible. Now I am overseas away from my family and friends (and him) and not sure if I should move home where I want to end up and can meet someone there or just wait till he gets back here.

I am sooooo lost. I know I have to do NC to move on but I can't get over that little voice that says “if you don't contact him, he will miss you and come back”. How do I move on from this? Do I move home? But then wonder if we would have got back together if I had stayed? So many questions and I know no one can answer them. When does this pain go away?

[neverme]

Ok, do you have a good friend you could go stay with for a few days and get your head sorted away from the place that you have lived together?

Where are you from originally and where are you now? Do you like your life where you are now or had you always planned on moving home? You need to continue with your plans. Your life went on just fine before him and after some healing will do again. No one is our life and we should never allow it to feel that way.

Yes, this may have seemed like it was it, but sometimes adages can be true have you heard 'If you love someone enough let them go, if they come back they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.'

He needs this right now, he has made that more than abundantly clear and this is a pivotal moment in his life, in order to stand by him you need to walk away from him. Hard as that is.

And to do this you need to get busy, get a hobby... if that doesn't work get ten!!

Some way or another you need to keep your mind busy, and yes there will still be times where it feels as if your heart is going to break but you are strong enough. I'm guessing in your thirties you have had other relationships and every time we think we'll never heal and that there is no one that will ever... bla bla bla. No offense by this, just it isn't the stuff you remember when you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

And believe me, there is light.

When it gets tough, come on here. There is always someone willing to share opinions and views and just talking can be really therapeutic. In fact, I find that coming on here when I'm down and helping someone else really lifts my spirits.

Well, I've rabbitted on long enough, the bottom line is that you can and will get through this, how you do that is up to you. I think dignity and grace is not easy, but most preferable. At this point it is all up to you.

Your life. Your decisions.

[valkman98]

I agree it is hard it does suck and you will get over it. You don't want to hear any of this but it is for your best to get you mind right. That is what he is doing so should you. Take a step back, look at your relationship and see why you 2 fought. Must be something wrong if you did so much. Now just take some you time and feel better about you. When the smoke clears you may see he was right to break it off at this time. Best to you.

[hopeflies]

Thanks again for the support!

So - just wondering why guys (sorry - dumpers) like to mess with our heads? He told me not to call him that he can't have "us" in his life and that he would never talk to me again if that is what I needed - and threatened to change his phone number - then MESSAGED ME YESTERDAY!
I don't get it! I thought I had deleted him on IM - but forgot to block him and he messaged me just saying hi - so OF COURSE I said hi back then after about 5 more lines he said he had to go. WHY DO THEY DO THIS?
I was just starting to feel good - went to the gym - decided not to talk to people anymore about it or drone on about it - made some plans to join some new clubs - THEN THIS! I know its not a big deal but it just messes with my head.


NEVERME: We are originally from Maryland now in New Zealand. I only moved here to give it a shot with him. I now have a great job that I like but I don't want to be stuck here for years when I could be at home with my family and friends.

[neverme]

Well I think you just need to be more thorough on your blocking, make sure that whatever way you can help it you are doing NC.

To be honest, I can paint him as a horrible sadist but in ll honesty he is going through a lot too, even if he is the dumper, and it's easy to slip back into old habits of relying on the other you know?

But this is exactly why No Contact is so important. It's easy for you both and doing neither of you any favours.

I think that you should let the dust settle a little before making a decision on moving home, wouldn't be horrible to get home and realise it was a decision made in haste?

Just a thought, you sound like your well on the road to recovery :)

[valkman98]

Hopeflies, bet you would love a can of old bay? Yep am in Md. Good luck and keep NC.

[hopeflies]

Not having a great day today :(

I really miss him and the thought that maybe it really is over is just overwhelming me right now. I don't want to hold onto any hope – but it is the only thing that gets me through the day. Every time I actually make myself realize that this could be it – I just feel pure dread and redirect my thoughts to not contacting him and hoping that maybe this time apart will be good and we may just realize we want to be with each other. Then I tell myself to stop having false hope and move on! It's a vicious cycle.

I am still sticking with NC - but I know this weekend is going to be VERY tough. :(


Neverme: You are right about moving home – I don't think I am in the right frame of mind to make any big decisions right now.

[hopeflies]

Valkman: Old bay! Love it - it might just be time that I get my mom to send me a care package.

Thanks for the encouragement - NC is hard but I am sticking with it!

[amicon]

Well done for sticking to NC its hard but it'll get easier as the days go by.

Once you have truly accepted that it's over,the real healing process can begin.

It hurts but you will get over it.

Come back here when you need to.

[hopeflies]

I have hit a low!

The first two days seemed quite easy - I felt almost empowered because I took the stance that I would cut all contact from him. BUT now it just hurts because he has not made any contact at all. It hurts to think that everything we meant to each other means nothing to him and that he is carrying on like normal without me happy while I am just a shell of a person trying to get through the days the best that I can.

I have been going out and trying to have fun - but it all feels so superficial and fake. When I get home to our house it hurts so much -being in our room, with all of his stuff still stings.

Is there anything else I can do?

Why is it that declaring my love for him and showing how much I care for him would push him in the other direction? It seems so counter-intuitive really.

I thought day 1 and 2 were hard... this just keeps getting worse. :(

[artlady]

Turn your mindset around!

You say you can't.. honey say you can and mean it!

Fake it till you make it!

You can get through this!

Know who you are ,say to yourself" I am good and cool and nice and he is not going to have power over me anymore".!

He is out having fun and you are crying? NO... honor yourself and take your life back !

[amicon]

Box all his stuff up and put it somewhere you won't have to look at it all the time.

Sticking to NC is the way to go-yes, it hurts that he probably doesn't care-but stay strong and you will find that it gets easier as the days add up.

[hopeflies]

Thanks artlady and amicon - it is nice to have encouraging words when I feel like this.

I guess the more I fake being happy and trying to have fun I actually will - but it just seems so far away.

I want to pack up all of his stuff - but that just seems so final. I know it is the best thing I can do - but it just reinforces to me what I failure I was that I couldn't keep this relationship together. I had my part in our demise - and it hurts to face that and finally give in to it and admit that it is over.

[amicon]

Acceptance is the first step on the road to healing.
Pack the stuff up-delete pictures-email etc.
As Artlady said, fake it till you make it.

[artlady]

Thanks artlady and amicon - it is nice to have encouraging words when I feel like this.

I guess the more I fake being happy and trying to have fun I actually will - but it just seems so far away.

I want to pack up all of his stuff - but that just seems so final. I know it is the best thing I can do - but it just reinforces to me what I failure I was that I couldn't keep this relationship together. I had my part in our demise - and it hurts to face that and finally give in to it and admit that it is over.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!
WOW !
Not at all.We are not measured by our outcomes but what we did as a real person to make things right.You know you gave your all !
What else can anyone ask of them self?
Honor yourself my dear and never put yourself down !
It takes two to make a relationship and you were trying to do it all alone.
Stop crying ,take this as a hard lesson that some people don't know how to love and know that you are worthy of better! :D