I have been married for almost 9 years. My wife and I have an 8 year old daughter. I have a great job and tend to stay late doing a lot of BS browsing on the internet until I get bored and then go home. I usually get home around 6:15 every night and spend the next hour talking with my daughter about her day at school and playing with her until she goes to bed at 7:30. Then I usually sit in the living-room watching TV (30 minutes max), doing homework (graduate degree), or reviewing my lesson plans for the next day (I am a teacher). Then I usually go to bed around 11:30-12:00 and then start my day all over at 5:00 am.

My wife and I both lead very busy work lives. She is usually out the door only a few minutes after I leave. To try and spend a little extra time with my daughter throughout the week she almost always goes with me to work and I walk her to school. After school she is bused to daycare near my wife's work. Just so we can spend some extra time with our daughter at home playing we've even hired a tutor to go to her daycare and ensure her homework is done before my wife picks her up at the end of her day. We go out to dinner every weekend. I also make it a habit to call my wife throughout the day just to see how she is doing. During all of this I usually only talk face-to-face with my wife at the dinner table or on my way out the door in the morning. I try to get her to spend some time with me even if it is just watching a TV show with me but does not interest her. When I ask what she would like to she just tells me she's tired and wants to lay down.

Our sex life has been on the slopes for awhile now, probably doing it once every-other week. After sex we just roll over to our own side of the bed and go to sleep. I feel like we've lost our connection with each other and that I am just going through the motions everyday in my home life. If there is any advice or suggestions that would help it would be greatly appreciated.

Why are you staying late doing BS browsing when you have a family at home? Then doing what you could have done at work at home?

That right there says a lot. Has the appearance you are avoiding your family (screwing around on the internet instead of going home)... and leaving your wife alone to do it before you get there. And when you get there doing the homework and lesson plans when you are there.

I think she's a bit tired and feeling put on...and this is from a guys perspective.

From a woman's perspective...

Why are you staying late at work browsing BS on the internet? AND, you are a teacher and can't spell? It's bored, not board.

You are staying late at work, come home to do lesson plans AND you are in graduate school. You are not making time for your wife.

From a woman's perspective it appears that you want more than you are willing to give.

I don't think you're doing badly. You sound like a very loving and concerned parent, and husband (how many women can say their husband's call every day, just to see how they're doing).

Your daughter is spending valuable time with you. How I wish I could have had a father who would have actually sat and talked to me every day, as part of my daily routine. You walk her to school, and all of you spend time together on the weekend.

What you aren't doing, is neglecting your daughter. Nor are you unaware, or unwilling to keep on top of her school work. In fact, you have a tutor so that her time with you is mutually enjoyable. You sure get points from me.

You may be underestimating the value and importance of what you do. Have you ever thought about that? While you sound as though you are in a rut with the routine of it all, routines are valuable too. You are managing your life, and the life of your family, in a very healthy way in my opinion.

Your child is not wanting for attention, or acting out, or spending far too many hours on FB, or texting, or watching TV. The quality of her time with her parents will forever secure her feelings of being loved, by both parents, within a solid, family life.

Sure you could unwind without browsing after work, at work, and head home a little earlier. Maybe you should do that, and also think about stepping outside your comfort zone, and spice things up a bit. If there are grandparents around, why not work a mini vacation for you and your wife in the schedule, and just get out of town for a few days together. Maybe establish a date night just the two of you, and hire a kid to babysit for a few hours. That your daughter is 8, you don't need to worry about just a few hours away from home.

It may just be worth the effort to spend time together.

I'm not sure if you're feeling you aren't doing enough, or that maybe you think that what you do, isn't important.

But, I say you are doing far more than many other parents do, and what you contribute is very valuable.

Smoothy and J_9,

Although I stay late at work I usually get home only a few minutes after my wife. The BS internet surfing is a chance for me to unwind and relax after spending a long day in the classroom. My getting home any sooner would only give me the opportunity to spend time with myself. I am pursuing a graduate degree for the same reasons many others do and that is to provide a better financial future for their family. I also spend the time necessary on my lesson plans because I have 20+ students who depend on me for their education. With that being said, are there any valuable suggestions that you could offer to help with my situation?

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Originally Posted by the1nonlydrew

J_9,

Although I stay late at work I usually get home only a few minutes after my wife. The BS internet surfing is a chance for me to unwind and relax after spending a long day in the classroom. My getting home any sooner would only give me the opportunity to spend time with myself. I am pursuing a graduate degree for the same reasons many others do and that is to provide a better financial future for their family. I also spend the time necessary on my lesson plans because I have 20+ students who depend on me for their education. With that being said, are there any valuable suggestions that you could offer to help with my situation?

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Actually, I can relate to you. As a nurse I work 4 12-hour night shifts a week. Have very little time to spend with my family as I sleep while they are awake.

With that said, yes, I have a very valuable suggestion. Communication. Communicate with your wife. Talk to her, let her know how you are feeling. Some men find this quite hard to do, but it is imperative for a healthy relationship. Make a date night once a month for the two of you. Go to dinner and a movie, maybe get a hotel room if you are able to get a sitter for your daughter.

You do sound like a very caring husband and father. However, getting home before the wife and starting dinner, or starting a load of laundry speaks volumes to us women. With us, it's usually the small stuff. ;)

To add... My husband is a stay-at-home father. On some mornings when I get home, I do dishes, a load of laundry, put dinner in the crock pot, you know typical household duties. I do this before hubby wakes up and he is surprised and happy this was done for him. Even after I have had 3 code blue's in the ER, saved the life of a newborn baby, or even had to console parents who lost a baby.

It's the little things that make the difference sometimes.

So, who fixes supper, washes dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.?

She leaves home just after you do and gets home just before you do. Is she spending time after work getting some down time or is she immediately leaving to pick your daughter and get home to continue her work day?

Why don't you try cutting your browsing time a bit and get home before your wife? Start dinner and then spend time with your daughter. Spend time together doing dishes or just relaxing together.

Talk to your wife about why she is tired. See where you can help her feel less exhausted. Work together as a couple instead of strangers sharing a house and daughter.

What do you do with your vacation time??

Sounds pretty normal to me. I see no problem with your taking some time for yourself. If you went to a counselor and weren't taking any time for yourself, the counselor would tell you to do so. I did much of what you do (not teaching though) and commuting 1 1/2 hours each way every workday in a job that had no set hours. Pretty much what most other working couples trying to raise a child or children, and pay the bills do. But why not go home as soon as you can in the evening and do the BS browsing at home combined with doing some chores that will make it easier on your wife. Maybe her job is more physically demanding than yours. Where you get time to be bored is puzzling. I can tell you this, your problem pales in comparison to the majority of family related problems coming into this AMHD site. Every time you feel bored, do something for your wife and things may improve. Is it feasible for you to pick up the daughter in the evening, then take a break for BS between getting home and time with her before her bedtime? You are so busy in the AM, during the day and in the evening, the only possible time for you to feel even remotely bored is when you are doing your BS browsing. Move that time gap to your home where it is harder to be bored. Maybe you could squeeze another half hour for your daughter's bedtime in the near future, and try to spend the extra time with your wife and daughter.

My ex was full of little surprises. They were creative and none took more than a minute of extra time. I'm not going to tell you what they were, because they pertained to us! If you have no imagination, ask your daughter for ideas on 'how to surprise mommy with something sweet and different to show that I love her.' What better way to show a child about family love? You can include her in some of them.
Around the house, there's nothing like a sneak attack hug and smooch. Hum a song as you tango around the kitchen.

If your life feels dull, it's your own fault.

You sound just like the many who are so busy they forgot to have fun. Go to a Chucky Cheese or Alley Cat's that offer many options for just fun, and food too! Take a friend or neighbor with kids. In our young days we had group and neighborhood activities to look forward too. Busy doesn't stop the fun does it?

A family that plays together, stays together. Break the routine and learn what good clean fun can do for you. I recommend a regular dose.