Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me further than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this... :confused: :mad: :(

I am sorry but your options are very small. You can try to go to marriage counseling and try to work on rebuilding the trust and deal with the fact that your husband is going to be tied with this woman for a very long time. Or you can get out of this marriage. Frankly, if it were me, I would end it. You should relioze thatcheating is lying, and the odds are thathe will do it again, and again, thinking that he won't make the same mistake twice.
Also, I believe your husband has not come clean about many details. Such as the one night stand and because he does not want to talk about things and basically told you to deal with it. That to me is not a sign of a person whom wants to make things work. This to me sounds like a person whom wants the best of both worlds. So, without the trust, you have no relationship.
I am so sorry this happened to you but after reading your post a few times and thinking about it, I cannot shake this feeling your husband has not been 100% honest with you about this and the events that have lead up to this. I understand how you feel and sympathise. But the hard fact is that he is the father of that baby and the child deserves to have a father in its life - in every way possible. I can understand how hard that is for you to accept and if you decided it is too hard and that you have to leave him I doubt anyone would really blame you.

However, if you really decide to remain with him... and I really can't see how... I wonder how much you have/can really forgive your husband to move on in this marriage in a healthy way. It's understandable that it is very difficult to think of him with this child, as he/she was conceived out of betrayal to you, and having him/her in your husband's life is like a constant reminder that he was unfaithful. But the child is here now, needing two parents, so it's a choice that you have to make for yourself... can you honestly be with your husband, trust him, respect him, and respect and love yourself, as well as support, embrace and love his child-- all things that you will need to do in order for this to be a healthy and functioning marriage? Good Luck, Stay in Touch. -Malcolm- paypal address [email protected]http://thumb5.webshots.net/t/61/161/...6ugdEKy_th.jpg

Thanks for that. Although I know this is a bad situation to stay in, why do I naturally feel like I am the one that is the failure? BTW, today I found out that he has been telling people (other women, in addition to the one who had his baby recently) this "Yeah, I kinda got back with my x, but we are kinda doing our own thing....so we'll see how it goes...you know me, free spirited and all!!!"

That is news to me being as though to me he says he is nothing but committed to me etc. I moved back to this state to for us to make it work as he pleaded with me to do. So I didn't know we were just "kinda together , but kinda doing our own thing" I think it is time to cut him loose. I can't continue to allow myself to be hurt like this. He obviously is true about what he claims he wants. Oh well... There goes my faith in the marriage system of today's society. People just don't have respect for this kind of commitment anymore. That is a shame because it can be wonderful if you have someone who respects and values you the way a husband should.

Did you say you had kids, if not get out. Once a cheater always a cheat. Plus he will now have two women for awhile and you're crazy if you don't believe that.. Lots of fights in the future, would love to be your neighbor.

I believe you deserve better than him. It sounds like you have made a decision to leave. I think this is best. Go and find yourself someone who wants to build a future with YOU.

I think it is very brave and admirable of you to attempt to work this out, but I don't believe it can be done without the aid of counseling. I have a hard time believing you will ever trust him completely if the two of you don't find the root of his infidelity and fix the problem together. I am not sure I would be able to get beyond the anger long enough to even think of trying to work it out, so I commend you for wanting to save your marriage.

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Originally Posted by SadWife

Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this.... :confused: :mad: :(

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I am I the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and I hope the last, yes, I know one a cheater...

In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it... they made the mistake I did not why should I have to deal with anything!! Wrong or right that is the question... I am hurt confused and in love

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Originally Posted by sazon

I am i the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me..... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and i hope the last, yes, i know one a cheater......

In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it....they made the mistake i did not why should i have to deal with anything!!!!!!! wrong or right that is the question....i am hurt confused and in love

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OMG! Finally someone who knows what I am going through. To many people, it is easy. "Just leave em!" But when you know that the situation was a huge mistake, granted people do stupid things (ie. No matter what age they are or how long they have been married) People do stupid things... I love him so much, yet I too am so devastated by this. Especially since we may not have our own because of my health issues. I really want to be with him, yet my heart dies everyday in this reality. Some days we are great then others I am an emotional mess and crying... It is tough but I didn't want to just give up! If it fails, at least I will know I am doing my best to be understanding and make it work. But I do know it takes two and I can't make it work by myself... He too will have to keep my feelings about this in mind and make the necessary udjustments and set boundaries etc. It is a very tough thing for any spouse to deal with but if we accept the cheating spouse back be are in a way saying we WILL deal with things even though we don't want to. But yes it is there responsibility to safeguard the marriage and always put the wife's feeling first. They agreed to stay with you so they are agreeing to deal with your emotional rollercaoster too. They need to understand that! :(

I am sorry, I do not mean to be negative or to make you insecure. But if he cheated with her before I believe that the feelings will only intensify if he goes to see her without you. Do not let that happen! You are a part of it now. When you chose to continue to be with him you should have given him some altimatives, (which you probably have). You are worth it! It takes a strong woman to be able to be with a man who has not only cheated, but made another baby out of it. Oh God, let me tell you my story, no I was not cheated on and no I was not married but it definitely feels like it. My boyfriend ( who is my husband now) decide to act strange a few months after our first child was born. We broke up, and got back together like a lot of couples do. We got back together and were getting off to a new start. We were only broke up for a month. February 2002 is when it happened, my son was only 4 months old. He had a 3 year old daughter at that time with someone else. I was already in a very immatue relationship with him and could not stand the embarrassment of having a baby and not being married. So of course to make a long story short when we broke up he went straight back and slept with her and guess what, she became pregnant! She was unsure if the baby was his, so he had to go through a very long drawn out blood test which I was praying to God for the baby to not be his. It was his! I decided I could not be in this relationship with seeking GOD, so I began going to a local church and guess what. I looked up and she also was there. She began going to the same church that I felt I was lead to go to, JUST to get over the pain. I dealt with it for a while and put on fake smiles and told her I was so happy to see her there and eventually she got married and went to another church. Well in the meantime I believe her husband CHEATED on her so they were separated for a while, and she began to come back to our church. I always felt that she was doing this to get back at me because we got together so quick the first time they broke up. I always kept my composure, I never treated her unkind. In facted we began to have a better relationship, although deep down in my heart I have been hurting from this and it just never seems to go away. It was almost 5 years ago. We have since moved out of state and I do feel a whole lot better. But the point that I would like to make is that it does take time. Please do not let your husband visit that child without you, you were there first and you will always be, if you can endure it! Look at me, it was 5 years ago and I am still hurting but I can take it! When she very first came to him to tell him that she was pregnant I was furious. I can not explain the anger and pain that I felt. It was something that I had never felt before and I will never go through it again, and my husband knows that. This may seem a bit crazy or strange to someone who hasn't gone through this before or someone who just has no confidence. But the trust had been broken, we were broken up, he did not lie about it but I felt like he did not love me. How could he go and sleep with someone else that he once loved so soon after we had broken up. It was like he swept us under the rug and then wanted to come back clean it all up after living in and making a mess. I wanted to leave him, I almost did. If had no children with him, I would not be with him this day. But I could not picture sending my child at the time(which is now 3 children) to him and her. I knew that was what she wanted. She had so much animosity towards me and she had no guilt. She felt as if that was just what she needed to get even. She even named the child's middle named JUSTICE. I felt like I was in a real life fatal attraction! I hope I have helped you some, it feels good sometimes to know that you are not the only one going through certain issues. I had to take this child home from church with me sometimes. Every time I hear his name I feel pain and he has done nothing. I have never treated him unkind, but I will certainly admit that I do not like to see him. I think I could have gotten over the whole situatio sooner if his mother would have chosen another church!
You may email me back @ [email protected]
It is good to have someone to vent to.

I know this was some time ago... but you see I'm in almost an EXACT situation, I found out about it in April 2007.. The baby is due next month... I KNOW truly how you feel and what you're going through... I've managed to work things out but there are still times when I wonder if I'm EVER going to be able to move on... This "woman" wanted this child and she is happy with her "baby" however I'm in a place SHE can never begin to imagine... Yes he is responsible but WHEN ARE WE AS WOMEN going to say ENOUGH... You're married MOVE ON...

Anyhow, hopefully if you still check this web page you can tell me how are things going.. Has the baby been born? Has your husband been to see the baby? How are things between you and he?

Ladies (as there are two of you in the same quandary)

The child of the affair should not be punished because of the idiots that created her or him. The infant to be, is the only innocent here, please take notice of that.

This child needs interaction with Mommy and Daddy, there is nothing either of you can do about this fact.

However, if your husband is going to step up to his responsibilities, then the only thing you can do is insist that any meeting where both parents are present should be supervised by you.

The previous posters are correct, if you decide to stay with the turkey you must accept going into this new relationship is fraught with dangers.

Remember these clowns chose to break their vows that they made to each of you. If I ever did that I'm sure I would earn a fast path to my own autopsy. If you can, I also suggest that you tell dummy that he has broken your trust in him. Ask him how he plans to repair that trust bond. If he can't tell you that, beat feet, before it gets worse for you.

I thank you for your response... And I will tell you that I talked to the woman and I told her that mistakes had been made and that, we now have to keep in mind that this child has to now become the focus of our issue.. I have two kids and I expect her to understand that my children will know their sibling and that child WILL be a part of our family.. What has been done has been done and neither one of us can turn time back, however we can make things better by being civil and fulfilling the life of that baby...

I do not want drama (well should I say any more drama) and I am willing to open my home and my family to this child he has fathered... I will say that my husband (turkey) will step up to his responsibilities.. AND I will NOT accept anything less...

Thanks!

Dear lady,

I find your note to show an amazing amount of character. Picking up and leaving is not as simple as some imagine it to be, however it is an option.

The choices you have made and your commitment to both your children and the new arrival is something I hope your children will draw on as they move through life.

Thank you for being you and I wish the very best for you and yours.

It sounds like you are handling it quit well.
Just remember one thing never hold it against the child.

Wow, I don't feel quite so alone and humiliated knowing there are so many others going through this same thing...

My husband and I had been in a long distance relationship. We had planned on one of us moving as soon as we could. Well we got pregnant before we had even decided who was doing the moving. So after my daughter was born I moved to him, we married shortly after. Before our wedding we both confessed to having flings during our "long distance". We were both upset but tried to understand and valued that we were honest and made a clean slate before marriage. A few months into our marriage (about a 1.5 yrs after his fling), this woman contacted him from Puerto Rico and told him she had his BABY! She said she moved shortly after she found out because she knew about me and that I was pregnant and moving here to be with him (at least that's my understanding as I have yet to actually speak to her). SO, this news has been devastating! We are suppose to be his only girls, his ones and onlys. It has been three months now that we've known, he kept it from me for the first month out of fear of my reaction. I did leave him for a month but now Im back trying to work it out because I love him and my daughter needs her daddy. I didn't turn around to get divorced.

Im trying to be a woman about this and am willing to except this little girl as my step daughter. What Im struggling with now is that I don't trust this other woman and him together, I don't trust her. I thinks she's being manipulative. He sends her money when she says the baby needs things, already he's sent about a grand. I am thoughful that the baby may needs things and I know its hard being a single mom but SHE decided to have this baby and not tell him about the pregnancy. Now, she's come into our lives and I feel disrespected, her not wanting to talk to me but sending pictures of this baby to our home, sending him guilt writing emails saying that's his daughter too and he needs to check up on her. Well meanwhile he's over here trying to figure out his rights and how to go about things. He told her at one point that he was going to seek legal advise and that she should do the same and she says w/ an attitude "fine, you do what ever you feel you need to do". So now he's all afraid she's ganna play games and not let him see the babe. I told him I was absolutely NOT OK w/ him going there to see them w/ out me, his wife. He says not only can we not afford two tickets he's afraid she won't show up or something if Im there. This is total disrespect, she has got to understand that he has an existing family that this is affecting! I know there may be details that he's holding back to spare my feelings but I also know that if she's the one he wanted to be with, I wouldn't be here. I fear though that she still wants HIM, and Im totally insecure about it! I can not handle them meeting w/ out me and he doesn't seem to understand that.

We are going to counseling and Im praying that will help get me, us, through this. I know many of you say "oh girl, I'd leave his ", but its not that simple. He's my husband, the father of MY child and I love him. When all is said and done, I love him.

Oh please help shed some light. Any advice? Im hurting so bad. Even though I new about the affair before we married, I still feel so cheated on and so cheated. I recognize (as he pointed out) that I had a fling too but mine did not result in another baby or worse, as I was "safe". Now he has another child to support and another woman to deal with.

Im trying to be strong but Its all so much. Im hurting, confused, having a pitty party, jealous. Agh, jealousy is the worst!

Any words of wisdom would be oh so appreciated!

P.S. My heart goes to you gals going through similar challenges.

Hello Diane. This entire thread makes my heart so heavy. Such major life altering issues. If your counselor hasn't suggested this already, your husband should initiate legal proceedings to verify that this child actually exists and is actually his. So what if this other woman's feelings are hurt? He needs to ensure that this is really his child and not a ploy by this lady to get back at him for choosing you over her. Then, if it is established that he is the father, he does need to go to court to fight for his paternal rights. Have a court ordered visitation schedule and child support payments all put in place. It will cover him if she suddenly decides to sue him for back support. You know that as long as she is so far away from you that she holds complete power over this situation and your husband needs to take some control back into your lives. He does have a right to visitation if this child is his and he is sending support money. You can also be assured that once he makes this into a legal "battle", you won't have to worry about her being alone with him! She will be furious that he chose this route of enforcing his legal rights, and not allowing her any way to completely control this situation. In his visitation schedule, he can ask his attorney to have the child sent to your home when she is a little older. That will cut down on the expense of your having to spend the money to travel to see the child. Right now, you are right to want to travel with him. She needs to see that you are very much in the picture.

Thank you Ruby! ;-) I know, you are so right. He's being a coward and playing into her bull. He was all about going the legal route, and then he woke up one morning feeling so bad for the baby that she doesn't know her dad yet and that legal battles take so long and cost money that we can't really afford, he decided that he should send money in the meantime and see her as soon as he can. Meanwhile, we have our own finicial struggles w/ me not working and staying home w/ OUR baby that Im just fumming that he's sending her money before we even know for sure. Ugggh! Im trying so hard to get over these insecure feelings. They are just awful. I mean, if they're ganna hook up again, I can't REALLY control that can I? I feel like we're not going to be able to mend if I don't just let him handle it and trust him. I just don't know how to do that. Im feeling so damn insecure, I hate it, this is not me!

OK... Diane. I unlike you had the opportunity to talk to this "woman" because how I found out was she sent him a text saying "why was he ignoring her and giving her the short end of the stick.. a woman in her "condition".. When i read this i called her and ask her about her "condition".

My husband did not know and that was her way of telling him.. She never expected me to be the one to make that phone call.. YOu see Diane I set the tone.. I TOLD her how things had to be... She can have this baby from my husband, I don't solely blame her.. he had MUCH more to lose because of this tangle in bed than she did.. SO I do put responsibility where it has to fall.. HOWEVER I was NOT going to let HER ruin what I have at home.. SHE WAS NOT going to disrupt MY HOME.. I told her she had to recognize that her unborn child had a father, sisters, brothers and a STEPMOTHER... SHE made the decision to ALLOW that affair to get to this point and THESE would be the circumstances...

My tone with her wasn't hostile nor did my voice for ONE TIME go up an octave... I was calm and very sure of what I was saying to her... She began the conversation with an attitude and sharp tone, but by the time I was done with her, all I got was total silence on the other end... I told her, her baby will get the financial and family support he needs...

I haven't told anyone about this but one of my girlfriends and my inlaws.. ALL of which have been extremely supportive... I didn't share it with other of my women friends because I did not (a) want to be discussing it at every get together and (b) I did not want to be judged...

I too love my husband and I my kids NEED their daddy.. He is a good man and has always and still does take extreme good care of us... HAD HE NOT been a good provider I would be GONE... But those were the pros and cons I had to weigh..

Somehow there has to be some communication between you and this other woman... I'm sorry YOU are the WIFE.. She is manipulative and somehow your husband too has to set the tone for you.. BUT if he won't do it than you have to take the lead.. Not only for your sanity but for the peace of your home...

I have had a hell of a difficult time with this... I do not trust my husband as far as I can throw him... Thing is I've never been a woman to trust a man anyway... BUT I did trust and believe he would NEVER bring anything of this magnitude to my house... This is where I am.. that level of trust that I DID have for him.. it's gone... I don't know if it will ever come back.. But I hope for his sake I will always LOVE him more that I can trust him... Because it is that LOVE that is keeping me here by his side...

Wow, yes, you are so right! He told her that I wanted to talk to her and she said no, not right now. She's totally playing this poor me, Im all alone roll. Which is too bad for her but give me a break, SHE decided to have this baby AND not tell him unitl now. Im going to emial her first. I just called my hub and asked him to fwd the last emai she sent him saying "he needed to check in w/ his baby more often" and that her brother, who I guess she lives with, "wants to know if he's going to send money monthly". He said OK, we'll see how long he drags his feet at sending it to me, I think I caught him off guard.

I figure I'd ease in w/ and email rather than an intrusive phone call to another country, also in fear that she'll just hang up on me. An email will at least give me opportunity to say EVERYthing I want to out of the gate. I want to tell her basically what you did, that she needs to recognize that this does not only effect him and her, he has a WIFE and existing children (my stepson who is 12) who are and will be very much effected by it. That she needs to respect and RECOGNIZE that I am his wife and plan to be very much involved. Some guide lines deffinately need to be set! I can't believe the nerve of some women. I feel like even the photos she sent to our home was sort of a disrespect to me! GRRRRRRRR. My heart is pounding right now..

I have to laugh at this comment... "I can't believe the nerve of some women" I have beat my head trying to figure that out myself...

Listen we women are MORE in control of our situations than we are willing to admit.. MEN will be MEN, YOU as the woman have to keep things in prospective... Our biggest fault is that we start with one set of emotions and then get caught up in another set...

I too have questioned how could she do this? I WOULD NEVER EVER get myself in such a predicament... Because you see Diane I care a bit too much perhaps of how my actions will affect others involved... Therefore I cannot understand how others don't do that as well...

I agree an email is a good start... Just make sure you maintain your composure and remain in control... Once she recognizes that you are losing it she'll jump all over that!

Yes, exactly! Me too, I would be horiffied at how that would affect others involved not to mention what it would make me look like. I would NEVER do that to others or myself. So, Im trying to be patient but hub has yet to fwd her email to me (I don't have her email address until I get that). He's at work and Im sitting her at home beyond eager to send this email and get it off my chest.

I didn't mention that I took the baby and left for a month, not knowing if I would return. Well now Im back, has only been a week and he and I are getting along so well, he is trying so hard to save us and I know that his heart is with his family. That said, I feel to keep the peace between him and I, I must approach him w/ love and patience. You know, I don't want to dive back into argueing. Im trying to take this stance: It is my choice to stay. I love my husband. I am willing to accept what he did and accept this child. I am going to "stand by my man". This way, I'll know I did every little thing possible to work on our marriage and if god forbit it doesn't work out, I'll know I did my part to try. So, I hope he'll comply and fwd me that damn email from her and I don't have to keep reminding him, I don't want it to get ugly, again. OH yes, and I will keep my cool in my email message. I know this issue deserves delicacy and tact. My impression is that she is kind of ghetto and mouthy. I will not stoop to that.

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Originally Posted by SadWife

Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this.... :confused: :mad: :(

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I have been dealing with the same situation and it is recent for me.. I can truly sympathize with your hurt. My husband confessed to me about 4 months ago that is now the father to a son from an affair. I felt like someone hit me with a ton of bricks.. She has never said I am sorry to me for the act and has did everything to make sure that my husband has a hard time in taking the child off to spend time with him. He is 4 months... he was a newborn when I found out. She claims that she does not know where is going to take the baby that is why he cannot take him off. I feel so helpless for me and my kids... I know that this is his son but I can't help but feel hurt and resentment for them all for what they have done to my family... I can only give you what I have learned from my experience and that is that [B]FAITH[B] is really tested in times like these. In my situation, my husband has been very apologetic, loving, and trying to make amends for his wrong. He is also trying to be a non "dead beat" dad to the baby and the perfect dad to our two kids at the same time. I don't see how he can do this. You just have to look at the "pros" and "cons" of the whole marriage. Is it worth hanging in there? Does he still have feelings for the person? In my case my husband said that they were friends and it escalated into something but it was never a "love"affair it was sex. My trust is not all the way back either, I don't know when it will be. I still snoop and keep my eyes open for everything. You have to ask yourself is this pain worth continuing and what will come of this marriage? If it is positive thoughts you receive, then work at it and see what happens. If not, let it go now before you waste any more of your life. I have thought about letting go, but I have a lot of pros that keep me hanging in there. He is a good man that made a mistake that we have to deal with for the rest of our lives, but he loves me and treats me very well.

I like your point of view Tamanding. My husband is also a good man who made a mistake that will effect us for the rest of our lives. Right now my biggest struggle is that I want to make contact with her, she says she doesn't want to talk to me. In fear that she will try to keep that baby from him if she gets her feathers ruffled he asks me to please refrain for now. It bothers me that he is respecting her wishes, I feel like he should totally apease me and do what ever it takes to help me regain my trust.

Im no dummy, I know that he could be keeping me away from her because maybe there is more to the story or maybe he lead her on more than he'll admit and maybe he doesn't want me to have more to stew over. Of course he says no, its not like that. I don't even know if I care anymore, I mean it was before we were married and he did admit before we married that he "hooked" up with her. I just feel like I NEED to talk to her, claim my ground or something. Which of course he totally doesn't understand. I don't know how to deal with this. I could totally go behind his back and call her, I have her number, but I don't want to do that behind his back. Do you really think he doesn't want me to talk to her because he's worried that she'll get all weird maybe hold the baby back? She IS in Puerto Rico after all. What if he's telling the truth? What if Im being a total fool??

When I try and wieght it out, my heart says to stay. He's a wonderful father, he's kind and I know he loves me. I just don't know how to get through this... ;-( Feeling so hopeless at the moment..

So, Husband and I had a long talk last night. He wanted to "lay ALL his cards on the table". Turns out he has known about this baby all along. That shortly after he found out I was pregnant, he found out she was pregnant. He told me he just found out a couple months ago, after the baby was born and AFTER we got married. He also initially told me they had just hooked up once while him and I were together and that's when she got knocked up. Well him and her had had a casual on and off relationship the whole time him and I were in a supposed committed long distance relationship. When she told him she was pregnant he told her about me and that he planned on building a life with me. He chose me over her, does that make me feel better? Hell no. So, he basically treated her like crap, denied the baby for months and paid for her to go home to her family back in Puerto Rico. He's been secretly sending her money every month since. No wonder we're so finacially strapped!

He admits he has got some serious issues. He says he had to get all this off his chest to start new, to do some soul searching. Says he wasn't telling me because he wants me to leave him but so he could clear his damn consience. Oh yeah, and there were other women as well. He finds solace that all of this happened before we were married but to me, I was married to him the whole time, was so in love with him. I am just as hurt that he did all of this before we were married as I would be if it happened while we were married,. I think. So now his consience is cleared and I feel like Ive been punched in the gut over and over. He actually expects me to stay with him and work it out, after everything he told me. Some of the stuff like the random other girls I swear I didn't need to know about, it was just extra hurt, I feel like he didn't even need to tell me all the dirty details. Did he not care how much that would hurt me. Took it off his chest and put in my world of hurt forever.

I left a great job, and everything I knew to come here and be with him. Its not so simple to just leave. And of course I have hopes that he can, has or will rehabilitate. Oh GOD, what do I do? I don't know what to do!!

(To reiterate, him and I had a long distance relationship, we got pregnant, I moved here after our baby was born and we married four months after that).

I feel sad and frustrated to hear story like that, it seems men are not trustful at all! Why they always look for other women, why they do not satisfy with only one woman! I always believe that once a cheater, always a cheater! If without baby, I definitely leave my man if he betrayed me! I can’t take that! That is why I am still single! I know there are some kind of women, they do not care their men flirt with other women as long as he married her! I totally can’t understand! What is love? What is marriage? What is commitment?

To Diane and SadWife

I am sorry this happened to both of you. Unfortunately, I have an 8-month old baby with a married man. His wife has a 3-month old and has no clue about my child. She does know he had an affair because she called me. That’s how I found out that he was married. Of course a couple of weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant with his baby. Throughout the whole pregnancy till now he still claims that he loves me and his wife. He wants to be with both of us. Only, I know this not his wife. He still tries to sleep with me. If I didn’t know better and have some kind of conscious, I would fall for him. But I know better. I am nobody’s fool, twice.
I say all this to say that be careful with your husband. He might be saying its done, but every time he visits his child trying to get in her pants. If she learned her lesson she won’t, but if she hasn’t, oh well.
I am a believer that once a cheater always a cheater until he learns his lesson. If you haven’t shown him that his actions or cheating is unacceptable, why would he stop cheating.

Just be careful and don’t be so quick to blame the other woman. You’ve been lied to and so has she. You don’t what lies he has been telling her. Unfortunately, I was naïve enough to believe him. But never twice the fool. Good Luck in your marriages.

Hey there sadwife.

I know I'm months behind on this, but ran across this and figured I'd write on it.

I am going through the same thing, my husband and I have been together for 4 years now and he cheated on me with "a friend" and she turned out pregnant. He was having problems in his life and instead of turning to me he turned to drugs and was hanging out with this girl. He's still not sure if the child is his which about every 3 months she send child support papers and we tell her paternity test and she cancels it. So now that the baby is 9 months old my husband is finally getting to find out this Thursday if the child is his or not. *being we have two of our own a 4 year old boy and 2 year old girl.* I've stayed with him through all of this. I think I'm more hurt then anything but have chose to stay with him. All the decisions are so complicated and frustrating... If you still check this I would like to see the progress in your story, hoping to hear good, hoping good will come out of this. :eek:

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Originally Posted by SadWife

Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this.... :confused: :mad: :(

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Firstly. I would insisit that I go along to all visits.
You have been more than fair. Go to the visits point blank.
Remain polite to her, remember the child is innocent.
Keep the letter, if you decided to divorce your husband, this letter is proof and you could bring his cheating to the cleaners.

Again -- wow, I'm not the only person in this situation. My husband has been working in a different country for almost two years due to his job. Just as he was ready to come home to me and our three kids he told me that he had another child with someone where he is living. I just can't believe it. I feel so mad that he is putting me and the kids (who don't know anything about this) is this situation. He has still not come back home, however I'm thinking that I don't even want him back. Only thing is the kids just love him so much and have already suffered so much with him being away to work already. I've heard that kids do better with divorce when they are younger than if they are older?? What the hell is wrong with these men?? Why can't they just be happy with the family that they have?? My head spins all day long trying to figure out what to do. I guess I just needed to write it all down as I basically know what I have to do out of my own self-respect. I haven't told any of my friends or family as I'm just too embarrassed about the whole situation. This is not the first time he has cheated on me, however I've always tried to make things work as I really wanted my kids to grow up in a loving family environment. I'm so mad that he has done this again and now brought another child into the world. This was the last straw as there is now nothing left that is just between him and me and the kids. I think its best that I get my stuff in order, protect my assets for MY kids, and walk away.

Hearing these stories makes me want to cry even more.. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married 3. We recently moved from NYC to North Carolina.. To make a long story stort we had problems beyond problems due to the transition. My family lives here his does not.. my husband had a affair and during this affair a baby was created.. He came clean immediately and told me the girl said she was pregnant by him.. it has not been easy and I'am hurt beyond words.. The girl decided to keep the baby and hope one day my husband will leave me.. I say this because I read text messages and she loves him, from my understanding and his response he tells her he married he not leaving his wife and he just going to be there for his child.. my husband is not a dead beat and I know he going to be there for his kid.. however a selfish part of me want her to take her baby and go away.. I'm trying hard to deal with it and I go through my own emotions.. we talked and talked and he really needs my support right now.. because he is truly sorry.. How do I handle this without going into a rage at times.. whenever I see a pregnant women I want to throw up because I keep thinking about this women.. I don't totally blame her because he married to me, but some days I want to wake up and it be a dream.. I stand by him because I love him and I want her to see that we are united and no baby is going to break us up.. My daughter loves her dad and every time I see them together that is one of the reasons I'm still here..

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Originally Posted by sazon

I am i the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me..... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and i hope the last, yes, i know one a cheater......

In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it....they made the mistake i did not why should i have to deal with anything!!!!!!! wrong or right that is the question....i am hurt confused and in love

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I too have been with my partner for 19 years. with 2 children. And we have just found out he MAY be the father to a child.. we are awaiting a DNA test.. This all came about after he went to a wedding out of town and said he had been pursued by another female.. (happens all the time as he is good looking).. He ended up getting blind rotten drunk and didn't remember too much by the end of the night..
The next day he told me what had happened... how she followed him everywhere etc.. He then found out that she had helped herself to him whilst passed out... (still keep in mind he is telling me everything! )
Meanwhile a lot of the things she was saying didn't add up.. (shes a bit of a fruitloop).. she said she was pregnant and it was my partners..
This came about just after we had miscarried our child... So you can imagine how I felt.. I Love this man to death.. and it is too hard to just say stuff the relationship... especially when you have children involved.. I am up and down with emotions at the moment one minute I want to hit him but in the next I want to hold him... then I think back to how he came straight out and told me what had happened.. As strange as it seems to a lot of people... the truth of the matter is that this woman raped him.. some might think its funny but if it was reversed everyone would think it was true... The laws don't see this as being a matter of concern... the law just would like to see the welfare of the child being looked after..

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Originally Posted by SadWife

OMG! Finally someone who knows what I am going through. To many people, it is easy. "Just leave em!" But when you know that the situation was a huge mistake, granted people do stupid things (ie. no matter what age they are or how long they have been married) People do stupid things... I love him so much, yet I too am so devastated by this. Especially since we may not have our own because of my health issues. I really want to be with him, yet my heart dies everyday in this reality. Some days we are great then others I am an emotional mess and crying... It is tough but I didn't want to just give up! If it fails, at least I will know I am doing my best to be understanding and make it work. But I do know it takes two and I can't make it work by myself...He too will have to keep my feelings about this in mind and make the necassary udjustments and set boundaries etc. It is a very tough thing for any spouse to deal with but if we accept the cheating spouse back be are in a way saying we WILL deal with things even though we don't want to. But yes it is there responsibility to safeguard the marriage and always put the wife's feeling first. They agreed to stay with you so they are agreeing to deal with your emotional rollercaoster too. They need to understand that! :(

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I'm going through the same problem... would love to talk with you... been going through this still for 5 years... sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind... I love my husband dearly and have been with him 23 years now... so if you want to talk sometime please email me at [email protected]

I too am in the same situation. I am married with 3 children. When my youngest was 2 years old, my husband had a child with another woman. I felt like I had been hit with a concrete block. The "other woman" calculating plotted to destroy my marriage; she even scheduled her cesarean for my daughter's birthday.

I later learned that she completely disregarded her 11 year old son's desire for her to stop seeing a married man, not to mention the example she set for her 16 year old daughter. Her selfishness was overwhelmed only by her complete disregard for her own children.

I could not allow her to ruin the family life of my children. My husband and I worked on staying together. She was in disbelief when my husband told her that I knew about the child, and that we were staying together. Our attorney filed for 50% custody which she certainly did not expect. She was utterly distraught with the idea of me having her child 50% of the time. Both she and her child have disappeared.

I know the pain you feel. Just know that it will pass.

You are not a failure. In our culture its easy to cut ties but its is stronger to stick with it and make it work
Forgiveness goes a long way... it settles your heart and the others involved even though the situation handed was not great
The ability to overcome is priceless...

First do not take it out on the baby EVER
Second he can demand a paternity test before he agrees to sign birth certificate or anything.
Third if he is going for joint custody and visitations then his involvement with her should just be short phone calls ABOUT the baby and seeing her at visitation exchanges. IF there is not custody/visitations on his part for whatever reasons he would have NO need or reason to deal with her.
He also needs to take into consideration the child support to but that is no reason to be in contact with her either once it is established.
Setting boundaries is good for you peace of mind but often if they guy does want to see the 'other woman' still he will make excuses 'for the baby' so don't give him too much slack if he starts getting excessive.

I too am in this situation, just found out about the affair in April even though it had happened almost 1 1/2 years ago. I found out about do to paternity papers my husband was served by the local sheriff. I AM DEVASTATED!! At this time I told my husband that if it was his child I could not accept that. For me that would be the determining factor you see because this was not the first affair and he promised me that it would never happen again. I told him if he ever felt that urge again to be man enough to come to me and tell me that our marriage was over because I could handle that better than being cheated on. Well obviously that didn't happen and now there is a child that I choose not to accept. We have children of our own and this is breaking my heart but I feel so betrayed. Our marriage has been on the rocks for years maybe if it had been stable when this happened I would have felt like fighting for it but it was not stable and all my fight is gone. Lord knows I love this man but every time I would look at this child it would break my heart all over again and I just can't handle that. He is now pointing fingers at me because I can't live with it, I forgive him I just can't be with him. Am I wrong, lord knows I pray that I am not but I can only do what I feel is best in this situation. I pray that no one will ever have to go through this type of situation but unfortunately I know they will... may GOD be with you if you do and please understand everything is different for everyone and all you can do is what is best for you.

I knew from the beginning that I was not the only one this was happening to. I'm so glad I have somewhere to vent! I too, am going through the same thing. My husband has always cheated--I knew this was inevitable--and had even said--"I would never leave my husband because of another woman, but if he has a baby...I'd have to roll!"... Well, I'm close to rolling.

We have been together for 9 years. Of those 9 years... he may have been faithful 3 months (I know that sounds crazy)! I have never cheated on my husband (My commitment was to God, not him). But now, with this baby... this constant reminder that he cheated on me! I know that the baby is innocent... but how do I handle this... He has dealt with the girl (she's 25, I'm 39--he's 35) for the past 4-5 years... she once told me that she loved my husband and there was nothing I could do to come between that love. However, he doesn't love her enough to leave me? I told her... who am I to stand in the way of true love? I mean... he's a wonderful provider, and OUTSTANDING father to my step-daughter and our son! I want for nothing (material wise)! But I can't deal with the lies... oh YES! He lies to "protect" my feelings.. but he always gets caught! I believe in my heart that it is over... and that I need to move on---but can I afford it?. do I want to struggle?. will this situation get better? How can I get over the hurt, pain and embarrassment?

I just wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it! RIGHT! I don't know!. and to be quite honest.. I stopped being in love with him a long time ago! But a break up of our family would devastate our 4 year old?

How do I handle this situation without compromising who I am and still remain faithful??

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Originally Posted by GottaVENT

I knew from the beginning that I was not the only one this was happening to. I'm so glad I have somewhere to vent! I too, am going through the same thing. My husband has always cheated--I knew this was inevitable--and had even said--"I would never leave my husband because of another woman, but if he has a baby...I'd have to roll!"......Well, I'm close to rolling.

We have been together for 9 years. Of those 9 years...he may have been faithful 3 months (I know that sounds crazy)! I have never cheated on my husband (My commitment was to God, not him). But now, with this baby...this constant reminder that he cheated on me! I know that the baby is innocent...but how do I handle this.... He has dealt with the girl (she's 25, I'm 39--he's 35) for the past 4-5 years...she once told me that she loved my husband and there was nothing I could do to come between that love. However, he doesn't love her enough to leave me? I told her...who am I to stand in the way of true love? I mean...he's a wonderful provider, and OUTSTANDING father to my step-daughter and our son! I want for nothing (material wise)! But I can't deal with the lies...oh YES! He lies to "protect" my feelings..but he always gets caught! I believe in my heart that it is over...and that I need to move on---but can I afford it?...do I want to struggle?...will this situation get better? How can I get over the hurt, pain and embarrassment?

I just wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it!! RIGHT! I don't know!...and to be quite honest..I stopped being in love with him a long time ago! But a break up of our family would devastate our 4 year old?

How do I handle this situation without compromising who I am and still remain faithful???

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OMG its so hard to believe that so many of us women are going through these similar situations! I too have to ask... WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN? OR IS IT US WOMEN? Goodness! I'm from Texas. I've been married 18yrs now, my marriage has always been a rocky one (1yr good, the next bad, so on and so forth) I had filed for a divorce back in 2002 and we both had signed it, a judge was suppose to sign off on it and didn't, things happen for a reason sometimes. While in the middle of filing that divorce I had seen 2 men and had a 1 night stand with 1 of them, but I was "safe" about it, protected myself. I knew he had been seeing another woman, because I had spoken to her over the phone. Anyway, since our divorce was never final, we got back together. Just last year (Sept) our marriage was on the rocks again and he moved out of our home and got his own apartment. Later I found out he met a girl and she had sort-of moved her stuff into his apartment. He even took her around his family. He guaranteed her and his family that he was done with me and would divorce me soon. We have 2 teenage kids (son 17, daughter 15) next thing you know he dumped her and wanted to come back home to us. Well, after christmas and new years and all the talks, and coming clean (me about that 1 night stand in 2002 and him with this girl now) we were going to try to work things out again, so he moved back home. We changed our cell phone numbers because she would not stop calling us. This was in Jan/Feb 2008, well the beginning of March it was just not working out, she got his new number somehow and started texting him again, he didn't move out but he wouldn't come home some nites either. I had looked into filing for a divorce again because I just could not take this anymore! But by the end of March he was calling me, talking to me, apologizing, wanting another chance etc. so it wasn't even the full month of March and we were going to "try again". Now in August of 2008 this girl (26yrs old, I'm 36 and he's 35) is claiming she is pregnant with his son and is due in December! (meaning she got pregnant in March!) RUN ME OVER WITH A TRAIN!! A train would still be less painful than all this mess!! Now to wait until December to get a paternity test! She "claims" she wants nothing to do with him, she says she had to let him know that he was the father and that's it, she's so mad that he just doesn't "own up" or admit the kid is his, but he doesn't want anything to do with her or this child either! I don't know what to believe anymore! I think he just says that because he knows my reaction when it comes to her! I mean come on! She knew he was still married with 2 kids! She KNEW what she was getting herself into and she still did it! What for? To hurt me? To take him away from me and my kids since our marriage was already on the rocks? Why? Why couldn't she get her own, SINGLE, man? Does she have no respect for herself what so ever? Now there's an innocent child involved!! Ohhhh I wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it too!!