Ask Me Help Desk - Can't get my heart past second husband

:( :( I am in my fourth marriage. I would have to tell you my life story to tell you how I got to #4. I used to think my second husband John was my soulmate. I loved him very much and still do. Alcohol was the factor in our split. My life has been what I call a living hell since our divorce. At first I wan't dreaming at all. At least not remembering them if I did. I thought I was suffering from depression. Finally, after 10-12 yrs I found out from a Social Security Phsycologist I was suffering from a bi-polar disorder. I've started meds from my family physician. My dreams have come back. The big problem is my dreams are of him and I don't think it's fair to my present husband to not be able to give my whole heart to him. I often wake up crying form these dreams because some are good, some are not so good. I am still very much in love with John. I need to know how to let go. My present husband does not know of these dreams or how I feel about John. John and I now live in separate states. He's in Ohio and I'm in WV. Do I need a phsycologist to deal with the loss of the man I am still in love with? Please help. I'm so tired of these dreams and kicking myself in the butt everyday for divorcing him. What do I do? I need to give Jim(my present husband) all of my heart. I am totally lost. Help me please, CynthiaB

You have to start by developing yourself... you are the only thing in life you can control.

Start by developing a hobby and a sport, or volunteer, take a course in night school... get a grip on yourself and develop a positive personality. Add accomplishments to the person you are and you will be a more likeable person.

Start tomorrow!

Best Wishes!

[QUOTE=Choux]You have to start by developing yourself... you are the only thing in life you can control.

Start by developing a hobby and a sport, or volunteer, take a course in night school... get a grip on yourself and develop a positive personality. Add accomplishments to the person you are and you will be a more likeable person.

Start tomorrow!

:mad: How old are you? Does it sounds as though I've been living in a cave? This isn't an issue of reputation. It's an issue of the heart. Thanks anyway, CynthiaB

Possibly counselling?
At least you will be able to share your fears and get it out of your system and then move on with your current husband and build a life for the both of you.

Dear Firmbeliever, I too have been thinking that counseling is the only way to put this to rest. I thank you so much for your response. You sound as though you have a good heart. God Bless You! CynthiaB

Quote:

Originally Posted by CynthiaB

:( :( I am in my fourth marriage. I would have to tell you my life story to tell you how I got to #4. I used to think my second husband John was my soulmate. I loved him very much and still do. Alcohol was the factor in our split. My life has been what I call a living hell since our divorce. At first I wan't dreaming at all. At least not remembering them if I did. I thought I was suffering from depression. Finally, after 10-12 yrs I found out from a Social Security Phsycologist I was suffering from a bi-polar disorder. I've started meds from my family physician. My dreams have come back. The big problem is my dreams are of him and I don't think it's fair to my present husband to not be able to give my whole heart to him. I often wake up crying form these dreams because some are good, some are not so good. I am still very much in love with John. I need to know how to let go. My present husband does not know of these dreams or how I feel about John. John and I now live in seperate states. He's in Ohio and I'm in WV. Do I need a phsycologist to deal with the loss of the man I am still in love with? Please help. I'm so tired of these dreams and kicking myself in the butt everyday for divorcing him. What do I do? I need to give Jim(my present husband) all of my heart. I am totally lost. Help me please, CynthiaB

Well Cynthia,I Know IAm Still Quite Young And I Like To Help People In The Bst Way I Can So My Advice to You is To Spend More Time with Jim And Do Stuff That Will Keep Your Mind off Jhon And If This Does Not Work you Need Personal Help.

The only road that helps mental illness is to *DO* things and fully develop your potential. Throwing pity parties for yourself will make you more and more unhappy as the years slip away. Dreaming of the past romantic attachments injures your chance for happiness in the future.

I spead from EXPERIENCE.

Go make yourself a life, girl!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

The only road that helps mental illness is to *DO* things and fully develop your potential.

As I am going into the mental health field, as well as living with family members with mental illness I have to respectfully disagree with this. It's very much like telling the person with schizophrenia to just "get over it." Doesn't work that way.

Cynthia,

Are you on any medications right now? If not, being diagnosed with Bipolar, you need to be. This is imperative in beginning to deal with your mental health.

You really need to speak to a therapist about this. You need to find out WHY you are still in love with him, if you truly are (and I bet you aren't once you discuss this in depth with a professional). You may be in love with an idea, or a memory, but not with him. Only someone qualified in this area can truly help you.

J-9 This is the Mental And Emotional health board, not a relationship board. People either want to get better and lessen their suffering, or stay the same... I am here for the people who want to get better and live a life with LESS SUFFERING.

Since Cynthia was diagnosed with BiPolar, major mental illness, which I also suffer from, I assumed she was taking medicine for her condition, not an unreasonable assumption.

To reiterate, I am here for the people who suffer from mental and emotional illness who want go get better and lessen their suffering. Medicine is only a small part of treatment for major mental illness. Individual effort is extremely important.

Be friends? :):):)

Cordially,

Hi,
An interesting subject for me too!

While I have only been married once, when it ended and I was diagnosedBi-Polar,medicated and began having those dreams,some good,some real bad,I wondered the same thing!

First thing I had to do was,Listen.

Then believe what was said, or reject it.

The first thing that made sense to me was;

Praying for my ex-wife.(sounds weird but it worked)I prayed for her wellbeing for more than 2 weeks straight,to forgive her for all I felt she did to me.

Then to pray for myself,for relief of all the guilt and so on I was beating myself up for.

Before the 2nd week was up, the dreams,feelings of self destructive behavior,and SLEEP came back,almost to a lethargic state.

This is suggested not only by me but also by the 12 step bereavement program I read up on.

Maybe you can use this info,it worked for me,
Good luck,
Ken

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

not a relationship board.

Where did this come into play?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

People either want to get better and lessen their suffering, or stay the same.....I am here for the people who want to get better and live a life with LESS SUFFERING.

I help these people too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

I assumed she was taking medicine for her condition, not an unreasonable assumption.

Not an unreasonable assumption at all, but an assumption nonetheless. Schizoprenia and Bipoar are the 2 biggest mental illnesses that have the highest incidence of non-compliance when it comes to medication.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

Medicine is only a small part of treatment for major mental illness.

For some, but not all. There are neurotransmitters, specifically GABA and Norepinepherine that are involved with Bipolar disorder. There is no way to correct this with diet, exercise, etc. If the disease is bad enough, medication is important in the well-being of the patient. It's like telling someone with Primary Hypertension not to take the blood pressure medication.

From my extensive experience, either with studies or personal experience, it is apparent that there are some unresolved issues that this person needs to discuss with a therapist.

What you advise is to just get out and "do" it. This cannot be accomplished by everyone. Yes, it may be possible for you, but not everyone. Try telling asthma patient just to take a deep breath. It's just not always possible.

There are chemical imbalances in the body with all disorders, not just Bipolar, and sometimes medication is a necessity. Not always, but many times. Try telling a person with schizophrenia not to listen to the voices in their head. It just doesn't work that way.

Yes, you may have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (formerly known as manic depression), but what works for you may or may not work with others.

When dealing with illness, whether mental or physical (they are the same actually), everyone responds to treatment differently and individually. It is potentially dangerous to advise of one treatment only when what may work for you may not work for another.