Ask Me Help Desk - Unfaithful wife

Unfaithful wife

My wife had an affair years ago and I still struggle with it every day. She says nothing happened but I heard phone calls bdtween them and she met him and stayed out one night until early morning. I needed to know exactly what happened and she couldn't remember where they went and says they only talked. I want to know everything even if it hurts more. I feel that she has kept their affair just between them because she always wants to hold on to those memories. Our marriage has become a marriage of three. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to know what they did? I feel if she tells me then in some way it will make it less significant to her. She says she just loves me but as long as they have their secrets then he will always be in our lives.

No, you don't need to know and you are just not letting go, getting to know all of the facts will not help you get over it one bit, And if this was years ago, you need to go get counseling to get over it properly, draging it back is not how you do it, Most likely she has put it in the past.
She most likely thinks you are a jerk at this point by your bringing it up again and again, most likely drilling her for answers.

You either leave her or let it go.

I don't think you are wrong for wanting to know the details. What I am having difficulty with is why she didn't tell you everything when you found out. It's in the open then. I don't know why she would have reservation about telling you everything. I mean, it couldn't make the situation any worse, right?
I know the affair will probably always be in the back of your mind. That's to be expected. There is something important you are not thinking about here though. When you decided to forgive and work it out that's the point where you were supposed to put it behind you. Though it will always be there, like I said. It still needs to be put behind you. It's the only way you can move forward. You shouldn't remind her of it or question her about it. It's been years. She was sorry and promised not to do it again, and you believed her. Otherwise you wouldn't still be with her, right? If she truly is sorry then she doesn't want to be reminded of her greatest transgression. You are only hurting things by continuing to ask. If you don't learn to trust her again then it will never work for you.. or her really. I mean, you can stay in the marriage just to be there, but it wouldn't be a true marriage would it? You don't want that do you? I'm sure she doesn't either. I know it must be hard. I haven't been there and honestly don't think I could forgive as I assume you have. Look at it like this.. she was in the wrong.. no one is denying it. But YOU chose to forgive her and stay in the marriage. Therefore you have to do what is absolutely necessary to move on and that is to forgive and forget in a sense. Though you will never forget, you can in essence and that is by not letting it consume your thoughts. If you can't do that, then you should re-examine staying in the marriage. It may be hard or you may hate that it will be that way, but you don't want to be unhappy for the rest of your life do you? Your going to hurt either way if you can't let it go. You obviously love her a whole lot and don't want to lose her, but if you stay you will hurt everyday with the thoughts. At least if you leave, after the pain, you will have a chance at happiness with someone else. If you're a Christian I would suggest praying for God to help you forgive. God doesn't like divorce and hopes it never happens, but knows it will. Your situation is stated in the Bible where divorce is mentioned. Deuteronomy 24:1 "When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house."
Your wife's uncleanness being adultry here.
It is obvious to me that you want to continue to be with her, and I hope you can forgive and put it behind you, so that you can have what you want.. a happy marriage again. Just remember that it is the only way it will work and that you both can move forward. You can't keep bringing it up.
I wish you the best and hope it works out for you, Tara

I think the least your wife could do is to let you in on the truth. Since she has broken your trust it would be wise of her to try her best to restore that. You seem worried that she's going to do it again, is she willing to work on your marriage? Are you? Did you forgave her already? Sometimes letting go of things that hurts you is a very wise thing to do :)

Where I can agree with your wanting to know everything about this affair, the time for that has past, and now your only dredging up the past and refeeling the pain. Time to finally put this to rest, and maybe with some help you can.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Where I can agree with your wanting to know everything about this affair, the time for that has past, and now your only dredging up the past and refeeling the pain. Time to finally put this to rest, and maybe with some help you can.

I guess what I am trying to tell unfaithful wife is get it all out now and don't hold back anything. Every detail is important and if he believes that she has shared everything with him then he will be able to either let it go or let her go. Give him that choice. The reason I stayed is because of two young children. They were mine and I wasn't going to let another man raise them. I don't regret what I did even if later my wife financially destroyed us by spending money we didn't have. She seemed to want to destroy our home even if she is a good Mother. She used sex to punish me when we were younger turning her back to me for weeks at a time. I was a very decent looking guy as she was a beautiful woman. She has changed now and tells me she loves me but I guess I was so devistated I can't trust anyone or thing. I don't enjoy thinking about what happened but it still is with me everyday of my life, always wondering if where we go or things we do are things they did. No one knows how horrible the hurt is after an affair especially when you saved yourselves for each other only. There is simply no reason for cheating, and reasons like not paying attention to someone or feels neglected make me sick to hear. If you love someone you won't do it. Leave them if you no longer care. Don't take away their family and themselves respect. You have nothing left inside but failure!!

Let it rest. There may have been something missing in your marriage at the time. The tone of your post suggests that you might be insecure. You might need counseling to get over it.

A new found friend uses "providers" to help his marriage. He effectively says it cheaper than marriage counseling and it's effective. He gets "it" when he wants it even though he gets plenty at home.

I think that you have the right to know, and there should never under any circumstances be secrets held while in a relationship. You have the right to demand to know, and if she will not tell you, then she should understand why you don't trust her.

You took her back and you should have dealt with all of that then. She told what she did and you took her back. If you didn't believe her you should have dealt with it then. If you ignored it, it's wrong to bring it up now. I suggest you two do some counseling, or you go yourself so that you can deal with these feelings you're having.

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Originally Posted by KeepItSimpleStupid

Let it rest. There may have been something missing in your marriage at the time. The tone of your post suggests that you might be insecure. You might need counseling to get over it.

A new found friend uses "providers" to help his marriage. He effectively says it cheaper than marriage counseling and it's effective. He gets "it" when he wants it even though he gets plenty at home.

You're certainly correct about my insecurity. I took her back because of my children and because I thought I could put this all behind me. The only thing missing from my marriage at that time was faithfulness. I treated my wife very good and worked hard to take care of my family. I came from a great family with great parents who taught me about loving my wife. Her family was totally different, she was raised by her Grandmother because no one wanted her. I was the only stability she ever had and she chose to throw that away too. I guess I'm not asking for advice but just want to warn anyone who might be considering an affair to please weight all the options. Try separation first, not being unfaithful. If you see that you can live without your mate then end the marriage. The outcome will be much easier for both of you to deal with. We went to counseling after this happened and I thought I could forget about it but the night time dreams won't go away and I fight daily to deal with it. I would do anything to make things OK and I haven't brought it up to her in years and don't plan to do so. I will stay with my wife for as long as I live because I never stopped loving her.

Then you need to get some counseling on your own to help you deal with this or it will destroy your marriage. You will begin to resent your wife and as much as you say you love her, you will treat her differently.
I feel for you that you are going through this, but if you are going o stay with her and forgive her, get some counseling.

Affairs and using "providers" can be very different. With "providers" it's purely a service and there is no emotional attachment. Affairs may be "affairs" or "friends with benefits". Note the difference.

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Leidenschaftlich für Wahr disagrees: I don't think you really have the right to be telling people how to fix their marital problems when you're in the middle of causing one

What is that supposed to mean? I have not caused anything. He came here with the question.

If you don't put it behind you, YOU will ruin your marriage.

The time to be angry with her was THEN, and if you're still angry now, it's YOUR problem, not hers.

You don't want details--you want justification, you want there to be some reason you can understand for her unfaithfulness. Guess what? There probably isn't one. She probably doesn't fully understand why she cheated either.

YOU need to get some counseling. If this happened years ago, and you said you forgave her at the time--it's not her problem, it's yours.

Yes, we all know cheating is bad. ALL dishonest in a marriage is bad--including the dishonesty that you've forgiven her when you obviously haven't. YOU are the one bringing someone else into your marriage--though she was initially, it's not HER holding on to it.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What is that supposed to mean? I have not caused anything. He came here with the question.

I had already written her a message privately, but I would like to state that my comment to her was a mistake. I thought that she was someone who had posted a statement about her cheating on her husband, when she had only replied to that other woman. I got the screen names mixed up, and I apologize

Personally, I would be hurt just with the knowledge that my lady broke our vows. I believe I would be entitled to know why she felt the need to do such a thing, I would not want the sordid little details because they do not matter at that point in time.

My suggestion is to take some time and write down your feelings (I think us guys have feelings but I'm not real sure) and why.

Then sit your lady down and ask her to work with you on your list. Stress to her that this is real important to both you and her. The problems between you and her have to be resolved by you and her.

This happened years ago. He said he forgave her and took her back. If he wanted more, he should have done all of this back then.
Now he is having problems, they are his problems. He needs to get help in dealing with them.

Who better to help ? His wife who caused the problems. And yes I agree with you, these are his worries and she should be more than willing to stat why it will never occur again.

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Originally Posted by donf

Who better to help ? His wife who caused the problems. And yes I agree with you, these are his worries and she should be more than willing to stat why it will never occur again.

I'm sure she HAS. You can only repeat reassurances so many times before it starts to get old, and starts to cause resentment and anger.

If it happened years ago, the problem is now HIS. Especially if she has done nothing in the years between to cause him to distrust her again.

With cheating, you either hash it out, be angry at the time, forgive EACH OTHER, and move on, or your relationship fails.

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Originally Posted by donf

Who better to help ? His wife who caused the problems. And yes I agree with you, these are his worries and she should be more than willing to stat why it will never occur again.

Again, this happened years ago. It hasn't happened again, he is just having problems, so he needs to get help to deal with them.
You don't forgive someone for something and then years down the road dig it up and rehash it.