My husband is in another country and we have been apart for several months. His behavior has changed a lot in the past year - he used to be so loving and now he is so abusive - picks on me and does his best to chase me off. A year ago during one of these separations due to me doing his immigration ( thank god he was refused) he started being obsessed with wild, kinky sex ( threesomes, group sex) and for a whole year this is all he talks about. In the past week he has suddenly become really cool and distant and rational - usually he was so angry because I didn't come right back to him because he was abusive. He now talks about how we aren't a good marriage and how divorce is normal. This behavior is happening right after the visa refusal came. I have tried to hard to find evidence when I was there last time but the only thing that was strange was that when he moved into our new apartment before I arrived, he threw our 2 bathrobes into the washing machine - said they were dirty. He is usually a slob. Also found women's slippers which he said were from the former tenant. He also took one phone call into the bedroom. Is he cheating ? I have asked him so many times and he denies it. I need to hire someone to follow him.

Does it really matter?

Let me see, he is cold, acting strange, wants goup sex.

Why are you even still with him ?

Bit confused what is going on here.
He is married to you but likes group sex? With who?
He abuses you?

I agree with father chuck here.

Who cares if he is cheating. Divorce him and find a guy who loves you for you and isn't abusive.

Do you love this man? Do you love your marriage?

I don't see how / why you could!

These were his fantasies ( at least that what he told me while I was away). Do I love him ? No, not anymore. I can't love a man who is now so abusive and disrespectful.

Well I think you should divorce him and move on with your life. Find someone that you love. Love yourself.
Don't stay with this man another minute. Now is the time to look after you and move on with your life.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I would still like to know your thoughts on whether he's cheating.

Personally - I definitely feel he is cheating. If you feel in your GUT he is cheating then e probably is - you seem to have found a TON of red flags.

People can act all nice for a while - then their true colors can come through.

I think you've seen his true colors for sure.

He has turned into a massive creep in my book.

Women's slippers - MOVE ON DIVORCE this guy - liar, cheater, creep.

Get to know someone better before yo umarry next time.

You need a divorce lawyer, not a private investigator. Was he cheating? Probably, but with the abuse, cheating is the least of your worries. Good luck and get a better life.

I wouldn't even bother hiring someone to follow him. If you believe he's cheating then he probably is. I hate to break it to you but his marriage to you was probably nothing more than a green card. You always have to be careful when it comes to foreign citizens for that reason. I think it's time to pack his bags, put them out on the curb and change the locks. Then call a good, crafty divorce lawyer.

There is no one real sign of a man cheating, Many men who have been wonderful fathers and great husbands, and they can pull their pants off at a moments notice with anyone in a skirt. And there are other jerks who want to cheat but have some moral level that won't let them.

If he is talking about other types of sex and having fanticies, yep my bet is he cheating, and if you have been apart, there is a great chance of it, there is a very large amount of people who cheat when away from home for just a few weeks.

I have seen it first hand, in law enforcement and military training, men and women away from home for a month or two, and before a few weeks, a percentage of them are starting to find one or the other very apealing.

But again, him cheating or not cheating won't help a divorce, cause means little any more.

If he is this bad, cheating is really the minor issue of all of the main issues

Yes I think he is cheating. Probably with numerous women!
Sorry. I hope you do what is best for you and move away from this man that by your own admission you don't love!
Good luck!

One other huge thing - we used to know each other's email passwords but now he won't tell me his passwords and I have asked many times. He either ignores the question or says I don't trust him. I say if he has nothing to hide he will show me. He still won't let me have the passwords. Don't have to be einstein to figure out why. Went looking on the dating websites and found 2 possible profiles - males his age, height and weight wanting women in Canada. Green card ? Actually it was me who started suggesting we live in my country and did the application but then little things happened to show me it was just a green card sort of marriage. His boss's secretary told me he had asked her ( without informing me) about university suggestions for the UK and the USA. Also he made a fruedian slip on two separate occasions when talking about being able to come to Canada - he said " When I come, I am going to travel all over California and I am going to visit san francisco. Not "we" - "I"!! I realised what the game was then. As for abuse, he has made death threats and choked me, kicked me and pulled my hair ( private and public). He doesn't know it but he is now hopefully on watchlists for both canada and the usa. I reported the scum and now he is in fact applying for a green card. I want to vomit when he says he can't tell any lies because it's the holy month in his religion.

Why are you still with this man can I ask?

I guess I just couldn't believe anyone could be so bad - thought he could change and things would go back to being loving again but I know they won't ever. I guess I couldn't stand to see a marriage just fall apart when it's so new. Spare the lcture - it takes time to get over abuse. You weren't subjected to horrible name-calling every day and night for a year. I am getting better but slowly. I know I need to stop contact but it's very scary for me.

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Originally Posted by yasemin2555

I guess i just couldn't believe anyone could be so bad - thought he could change and things would go back to being loving again but i know they won't ever. I guess i couldn't stand to see a marriage just fall apart when it's so new. Spare the lcture - it takes time to get over abuse. You weren't subjected to horrible name-calling every day and night for a year. I am getting better but slowly. I know i need to stop contact but it's very scary for me.

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Okay, I'll spare you the lecture. He's an immoral idiot. Hard to get over you marrired a jerk, true, but it's been done before.

Leave him and stop worrying about whether he did this or that, why he won't give you a password and worse.

You did not make him do this, this isn't your fault.

Protect yourself and see a lawyer. I'm so sorry for what this guy has done and continues to do, but it won't change. Don't stick around for it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yasemin2555

These were his fantasies ( at least that what he told me while i was away). Do i love him ? No, not anymore. I can't love a man who is now so abusive and disrespectful.

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You are in love with the man he used to be... he has now been introduced to the ways of free sex and birth control pills... women slippers in his apartment were left there by an other tenant and you knew nothing about this female person... major flag... go out and explore the world for a while... see if you are better off with or without him... if you can live with his fantasy and abusive nature... it is your life... if not do leave... but make sure you are able to live without finding yourself on the streets without home and without food and without security...

He Won't change back any time soon - and probably never.

Okay, did you really believe the slippers were from a former tenant? Did you really believe a bathrobe that you have not worn in a long time was dirty?

He won't share passwords? Well, what does your gut instinct tell you? Yep, you are right, he is cheating.

Find a divorce lawyer and get on with your life.

Do you think so little of yourself that you will continue to put up with lies, and physical abuse? Yes, abusive people can tear you down to the point that you feel you deserve everything you are getting. You do not. No one does. No one deserves to be screamed at, told horrible things about themselves, and then to be physically abused. You may start feeling you are so worthless you deserve all of the above and something is wrong with you. Yes, there is something wrong, but nothing you cannot fix. Go, run, do not think about him or you could end up dead. Get some counseling. All abuse starts with the mental, slowly tearing you down until you feel you deserve the physical. I have worked with women in your situation. It NEVER turns out good. A month ago, a man accomplished his goal. He chocked his wife to death. Be scared and never think you can help him, she was sure she could.

No one desrves to be abused both physicall or mentally. This is the most important issue before the cheating, as this will be more damaging to you than if he was cheating or not. It sounds that he may be frustrated over the rejections of the visa and is venting this frustration on you.
With all the other issues you have discussed, I feel, that you need to think about this relationship and ask yourself 'Is this working for me' as the longer you leave it the worse it can get, it becomes the norm of your life. I would take back control by listing each issue you have and deal with them seperatly. This way you may begin to get some clarity.