I feel cornered and don't know where
To turn for help; my life is hell and torture day in day out.
I really hope that somebody maybe will be able to
Advice me what to do. Here is my story in a nutshell.
My wife and I are married for 18 years, 2 kids.
I suffered from depression for a number of years, untreated, I
Hit the rock bottom in December last year when I prepared everything
For committing suicide. I do not remember exactly those days, I
Cannot be sure what and how stopped me then. I started medical
Treatment in the early January this year, and it seems to help
Somewhat. Sometime in December I accidentally discovered that my
Wife has been having an emotional affair with her coworker. Before,
During my depression worsening, I was not good to my wife, almost
Neglected her; we tried a couple of times counselling etc but in
Vain. When I discovered about her affair, it was a terrible shock,
I had a break-down, but yet at the same time I saw the abyss I
Was going towards, and went to seek professional help, etc. I try
Very hard, as much as I can, to win my wife back, but at this point
She is so much in love with the other person, that whatever I do
Does not do any good, all my attempts are interpreted in a negative
Way, etc. I read all those books about saving marriage, they all
Say the same think - for this thing to work, the affair must be
Over, and the one involved in it should be remorseful and willing
To get back to their spouse. None of these two are present in
My wife's case. I don't know what to do. I still love my wife, I
Love my kids very much, I do not want divorce. Please help me!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ErnstPochti

I feel cornered and don't know where
to turn for help; my life is hell and torture day in day out.
I really hope that somebody maybe will be able to
advice me what to do. Here is my story in a nutshell.
My wife and I are married for 18 years, 2 kids.
I suffered from depression for a number of years, untreated, I
hit the rock bottom in December last year when I prepared everything
for committing suicide. I do not remember exactly those days, I
cannot be sure what and how stopped me then. I started medical
treatment in the early January this year, and it seems to help
somewhat. Sometime in December I accidentally discovered that my
wife has been having an emotional affair with her coworker. Before,
during my depression worsening, I was not good to my wife, almost
neglected her; we tried a couple of times counselling etc but in
vain. When I discovered about her affair, it was a terrible shock,
I had a break-down, but yet at the same time I saw the abyss I
was going towards, and went to seek professional help, etc. I try
very hard, as much as I can, to win my wife back, but at this point
she is so much in love with the other person, that whatever I do
does not do any good, all my attempts are interpreted in a negative
way, etc. I read all those books about saving marriage, they all
say the same think - for this thing to work, the affair must be
over, and the one involved in it should be remorseful and willing
to get back to their spouse. None of these two are present in
my wife's case. I don't know what to do. I still love my wife, I
love my kids very much, I do not want divorce. Please help me!

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I really understand what you are going through.. I also would like to say that make sure you pay extra attention to your children as this will be a difficult time for them because if you can't salvage the marriage with the wife MAKE certain you have a great relationship with the kids, because kids will love you unconditionally. My kids are what kept me sane after my divorce... If you can't save your marriage at least be there for your children, emotionally...
As much as you want your marriage to work, and no matter how hard you try the reality is that she must be willing to try as well, and sorry to tell you that the books are right.. She must be willing to stop the affair, be willing to work it out... Did you ever try to change yourself? Do you see how hard it is to try to change yourself imagine trying to change someone else? ALmost impossible. You are taking the first step by seeking help and admitting you have a problem. Did your wife mention divorce? Are you assuming? You took a big step in admitting you have a problem and getting help. Your wife has to do the same, unfortanetly if she is not willing to give back to this marriage it would make things all the more complicated... Perhaps you sit down and talk and ask her what she wants. Maybe space... talk, talk, and talk... Communication is key don't be afraid to ask her what she wants and don't jump right in and don't mention the Divorce word...

I agree with Jolie. You need to talk seriously with your wife... at the same time try to improve yourself.. be closer to your children and promise not to neglect your wife again. Do not get emotional.. just be serious and calm.. and things must change for the sake of the children. Be prepared for everything.. If she does not want you any more.. give her more time to think.. if nothing change.. just leave her and start over again and do not fall in the mistakes of the past. For the best I hope. Good luck.

You've shown extremely strong emotions.and admitted a very hard thing to admit and for people to accept... (which is wrong for people to judge you when you are down) But... now that you know you have depression and it's treatable... wake up... look in the mirror... really look into your own eyes... ask questions to yourself... seek answers in whatever spiritual world you're in... and CHOOSE to focus on a future that is bright and promising... You can do it!

As hard as it is, you getting better is a priority in your life right now, and letting things go, to get better, is the real key to being happy yourself. It can't be easy, that your mate can't help, but that only means you must take your own future in your hands, for you ,and your kids. Things will get better, with or without the wife, and as you get the help you need you can deal with her later, for now its about you. Much Luck.