Husband not open and hiding things from me
Hello,
I really need some urgent help and advice on how to handle this.
My husband has always been loving and nice to me , but he does hide a lot of information from me and has been overly friendly, kind and gifting precious things to my governess who looks after my children. I confronted him once and he said sorry to me and said he did not realise this will hurt me.
Today, he has evem gifted her gold chains without my knowedge and has also been once or twice found in her bedroom in the middle of the night - on the pretext of seraching for some medicines which I do keep in that room.
I have communicated my feelings openly and clearly to him, told him I am willing to put everything behind me and move on.. however, I am now shattered and not able to take it anymore.
He has of late started denying things, started tryign to beat me, but says he loves me at times- I have made him happy with sex and my normal chirpy behaviour he likes, but I don't know what else to do.
I don't know if he does this only because I may say no to him giving these expensive gifts or he is actually in love with her. I am heartbroken and can't take this any more..
Please help..
Rajini
Husband not open and hiding things
Hey Captain Forest, Fr. Chuck, S-clancy, FredG and all,
Thanks so much - I am so glad I have you all to ask for help and use as a sounding baord. I did exactly as some of you suggested. I had a heart to heart talk with my governess for she is a nice girl- she is unaware of these implications in a relationship since she is young, which I explained - she has promised me she will do nothing to break my family, and has even on my request returned the gift to my husband saying what ever he does should be done in front of me and she will be happy to receive it as a gift for her wedding from both of us. While I do realise he was in her bedoon 2 months back one night - may have been desperate since it was the time when I ignored him for 3 days since he had bought her a small skirt/top first time without my knowledge. He however apologised saying he did not realise he wa shurting me then. But this expensive gift has what brought up my doubts- my only problem is I am unable to trust him now even tho' I feel somewhere deep down he won't leave me.. for my kids sake at least.. he is very egoistic, but definitely a nice person - If I don't confront him with this issue, I am anyway dying inside of doubts- I want to badly stop doubting him, but if I confront him, I know I will face wrath.. he is definitely infatuated I feel- I saw some porn Cds in his bag too recently, whne I ignored him for a while.. and I am aware this is not an emotional connection.. he has told her also she is like our sister and she will get our family's support always - when I was away on work last week to another city. WHat worries me is all this talk goes on when I am not at home , while I will be happy to join him on these gifts and talks since the governess is a lovely girl and god fearing.
Today, I have expressed to him again that I am shattered and I can't take this for long if he lies/ hides things from me- I have not told him I know of the chian, but told him the governess is upset about something and that I heard from my friend he was seen at the gold shop on Sunday . On USnday he was out for long,a and he said he had gone elsewhere... I have urged him to tell me one last time what he is not finding in me and why he is behaving this way-- for I know I have always satisfied him every way.. he has acknowlegded this many times.. but if I fire this governess way I fear more wrath... I have told her to take a break and leave us alone and come back after 6 months.. and told her I will help her with money if required. Is this a right thing?
I fear warth and want peace just for my kids.. Is giving expesnive gifts a beginning to a relationship ALWAYS from a man's perspective? Is he more hurt since she has apparently returned the chain on my request? Is his anger only momentary.. may be I should stop telling him I know what's going on.. will it be better? He had said if I don't trust him, why do I as k him.. this is now ina loop..
Please let me know. Thanks a lot for your advice - great place to talk to.. I am greateful..
Husband not open and hiding thngs from me
Hi all,
Thanks once again for your messages and advice. I am grateful. I am committed I want my family to be happy as we were 2 years back.. we are married 12 years now..
I did talk to my governess and she has decided she will go away far from us for 3 months at least.. to help me since she understands she does not want to be the cause for my family breaking and has also returned the gift saying it is not something he should give any girl , especially without his wife's knowledge. . I am grateful to her. I will help her always and told her she can come back to me anytime she needs nay help. Is this okay?
Can I ask her to come back to my house say after 4 months if I see my husband seems okay? Will this be sensible for she is a wonderful governess?
I have also as advised cleverly asked her to handle my husband and also spoken to my husband saying I am hurt, wounded and have lost trust in him only of late because his acts- told him NO WOMAN will tolerate what he has done and would have walked out.. But I am willign to put things behind me and start afresh. He however is calm now, probably knows he has wronged and can't accept it- but he says he is brought up very liberally and had an open upbringing and he treats all as his friends.. can I take his word here? Is liberal upbringing something that justifies his reaction to give her gifts which he says he did to show concern and security to someone who has been good to our family like he will show care for his kids? Can I take this statement from him? I am not sure. He also says in the past I have not let him be free with this lady and have objected to giving her small gifts without my knowledge (for which he apologised to me- probably he did not have any feelings for her then).. and so this time he did it without my knowledge. Can I take this argument from him? How much shoiuld I trust him? He says I must trust him more and he will change if I show more trust. I have told him my trust can come if he behaves normally like he used to and is to be happening both ways- trust in him will happen if he is loyal to me. Is this the right approach or am I being suspicious? I don't want to wrong him.. so please let me know. I have also said some lies to him in this incident like telling him someone saw you at the gold store.. - but this was to elicit info from him.
ANyway, he has kind of calmed down - he is not acknowledging this fully, but has kind of said he will try starting afresh and I must not prevent him from doing anything, if I trust him - his ego will not let him do more- so can I forget and forgive and ask him also to forget and forgive me if I have done any wrong..
Thanks!
To crankiebabie, and CaptainForest
Sorry, but there is too much missing here. They've been married 12 years, and just the last two have been uncomfortable for her.. She's used to placating him with sex and the 'chirpy' being he's used to? If their debates do not intimidate and/or anger him enough to really hit her - she said he 'tried', then he either does not care, therefore what does he need her for, or if he does care, he's got a lot of patience with her and her sudden insecurities with a governess. If you read post 12, she's asking for persmission to do almost everything, from strangers... and also being remorseful (for what?)- even though she told her husband where she stands, she still asks if it's OK to let the governess go?? I don't doubt that he might be a control freek, but she's put up with if for more than a decade without complaints and maybe now feels she no longer wants to play that role any more,so something is making her go through changes and they won't get solved without help from a professional - and I think they still might have a chance. I am a former 'battered wife' and she does not fit into this category to me. Again, this is only my opinion and she has the choice to assess herself better than we can just through a few words in a forum. So, I still maintain there is a catalyst that we don't know about. Maybe you are right and she should leave him, but at the stage she's in now, she needs professional help no matter what her choice. I sincerely hope everything works out to her satisfaction once she makes up her mind.