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DeathSpeedTribe · Jul 9, 2008, 07:40 PM

I've been with this girl for a little over a year now and I love her and she's awesome, she could easily pose for playboy or FHM or some other trash mag (and getting her PhD, by the way). Anyhow, we talk about getting married all the time, but I have such a hard time getting over some stuff in her past-Mainly- Did coke 7/8 times in college. Made out with other girls several times at the bar. Lost her virginity at age 15. Used to smoke pot daily. Did a bikini contest at the bar. All this took place before we were together (not very long before), but I still have a maaaaajor issues when considering this girl for my wife. Someone please help me decide if I'm being ridiculous or if this girl was one to date, not to marry. FYI- She's 23, I'm 24, we met in college, we're both Catholic (although I'm a little more devout that her)

ylaira · Jul 9, 2008, 07:51 PM

If u consider marriage to someone, ur marrying everything about her. If u have doubts if she's a marrying material, then dont rush things. Since it's past and if she changed by a mile then dont think about it anymore.People change although it doesnt happen overnight. How was she now compared before?

Alty · Jul 9, 2008, 08:02 PM

The past is the past, we all have one, either accept who she is now, forget her past, or move on.

ChihuahuaAddict · Jul 9, 2008, 08:18 PM

Only you can decide! I think that whatever it is, that anyone does in the past, should stay in the past and never be brought up again. You can't do anything to change what happened in the past, so you need to just concentrate on the now and the future. You don't have to rush into marrying her. If you feel more comfortable, just staying in a relationship with her for a while, you have plenty of time to get married! Maybe spending more time with her for a while, will give you the answer you are looking for. Good Luck!!

f104 · Jul 9, 2008, 08:23 PM

If you love her why can't you forigve her past?

ylaira · Jul 9, 2008, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by f104

If you love her why can't you forigve her past?

Because he's a devout Catholic. Hes conservative. But shouldn't be forgiving too?

jrsg · Jul 9, 2008, 08:46 PM

I am in the same boat my friend (kind of). My girlfriend has kissed over 20 guys and 10 girls! Has given 'oral favours' to 4 and has waken up in beds with guys she doesn't know. That's what boarding school did to her. No parents around for 3 years, she goes crazy. Sex, drugs, then more sex.

I am only 16 (so is she, she did all that in about a year), and we have been dating for about a month. Obviously you are in a much more mature, committed relationship, but I think the same principles still apply.

Forgive and Forget.

That's what I do. Since about 6 months ago, she has been a good, church going, smart, drug free girl. Although that past is there (it does bother me a bit) I try not to think about it. My girlfriend and I just pretend it never happened, and kind of laugh about it. It is a none-issue in our relationship, because of how we handled it. Alten is right, love and accept her for who she NOW, not who she WAS. Or, move on if you think that isn't possible.

starfirefly · Jul 9, 2008, 09:02 PM

Why not wait it out, it sounds like your not ready to get married anyway, if you love her than wait it out, if you feel the same after a year than maybe you'll never be able to forget, it is the past, and if she can forgive herself for it you should be able to as well

jiltedgirl · Jul 9, 2008, 09:10 PM

The past is the past. Leave it there where it belongs. She was in college for christ's sake! (er- apologies for saying the lord's name in vain... ) Has she figured out everything by now? It sounds like she has for the year or so that you've dated her.

And honestly... you two are both so young! Why are you thinking of marriage in the first place?? Is she aware that you're considering her as potential "marriage material"?

Putting those questions aside, here's my two cents. If you can't accept her, she should find someone who will and you should find someone whom you can accept.

Guidostern · Jul 9, 2008, 11:08 PM

I can't relate to this at all, but should you really be judging this woman that you say is so great?

I have a very special quote for you that my father told me when I was a boy... "Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

This quote to my surprise holds true. I'm a police officer and trust me, I was no saint growing up. People change... how would you feel if she judged you for what you may have done in your past?

As for the choice of whether she is marriage material or not... it sounds like you need a little more time to figure that out. Try focusing on her good qualities... the ones that you see every day... not the things she's done in the past that you see as being unacceptable.

FilthyDFC · Jul 10, 2008, 01:35 AM

Well... it's not like she's at the bar doin' coke and humping people before coming home to you.

Be thankful that she's changed... give it some more time before you think about marriage if you don't trust her yet.

charlotte234s · Jul 10, 2008, 03:05 AM

First things first= do you love her? If yes, then move on to question number 2

is she being a good person now? If yes, move on to question number 3... the big one

can you forgive her? If yes, then you should get married if you want to, if not, I'd say it's time to move on.

Chery · Jul 10, 2008, 03:34 AM

It's a two-way street. Are you so pure that you feel you can throw the 'first stone' as your faith teaches you?

As we mature and start new chapters in our lives, and get to know someone who we feel we can trust and talk about our past, we can only hope that the 'whole package' is accepted, or we hope we are respected enough to be told the truth. - If you can't accept the package, tell her your issues and fears about it.

If she has been faithful to you, open and honest during the relationship.. you either give her the benefit of the doubt that she has changed or let her know it won't work so that she can go on with her life and try to find happiness, acceptance and trust with someone else.

If the shoe were on you foot, what would you rather have? Someone who just keeps you hanging in mid-air with doubts, or someone who is fair enough to tell you that you don't think it will work out.

To err is human, to forgive devine - so do what you have to do and stop thinking only of your benefits until you tire of her. That's not being fair.

The past is what makes her who she is now, and it should not pre-occupy you because you did not live it. You ,me, and everyone else here have our own pasts and we've all learned from them and it has molded us into who we are now... so it's your choice. Live with who she is now, or let her go.

We all have a right to know where we stand so that we can go on with our lives and seek happiness and peace of mind.

talaniman · Jul 10, 2008, 10:29 AM

Chery is right as without her past, she wouldn't be what, and who she is now, and you wouldn't be attracted would you?

This is your personal problem to deal with, not hers, so don't make it so. Accept her, or leave her alone, to be happy with someone a little more understanding. That would be fair if you can't handle what you have.

What makes you think she will marry you??

Romefalls19 · Jul 10, 2008, 10:34 AM

Exactly, Tal brought up a good point! She obviously changed her ways and guys she goes after when she picked you. I doubt a wild girl like her would fall for a stand up guy like that. She adapted and changed, forgive her past as that's exactly what it is. To forgive is divine and separates us from others.

Chery · Jul 10, 2008, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Chery is right as without her past, she wouldn't be what, and who she is now, and you wouldn't be attracted would you?

This is your personal problem to deal with, not hers, so don't make it so. Accept her, or leave her alone, to be happy with someone a little more understanding. That would be fair if you can't handle what you have.

What makes you think she will marry you?????

Got to spread it again Tal... you're right - he has a problem with it, not her.
I also think that she can see if he has problems and is not open and honest about, so she just might say no if he's not sincere. Good point.

DeathSpeedTribe · Jul 10, 2008, 10:11 PM

Originally Posted by DeathSpeedTribe

I've been with this girl for a little over a year now and i love her and she's awesome, she could easily pose for playboy or FHM or some other trash mag (and getting her PhD, by the way). Anyhow, we talk about gettin married all the time, but i have such a hard time getting over some stuff in her past-Mainly- Did coke 7/8 times in college. Made out with other girls several times at the bar. Lost her virginity at age 15. Used to smoke pot daily. Did a bikini contest at the bar. All this took place before we were together (not very long before), but i still have a maaaaajor issues when considering this girl for my wife. Someone please help me decide if I'm being ridiculous or if this girl was one to date, not to marry. FYI- She's 23, i'm 24, we met in college, we're both Catholic (although i'm alittle more devout that her)

I don't know how to edit my question, but thanks for everyone's input. I just forgot to explain that she's the one pushing marriage, not me. I definitely think about it because I'm 24 and could be out dating, and don't want to waste that time if I'm sure I'm not going to marry a girl. I'm cool just ridin it out for a little... she's the one who wants the ring...

Guidostern · Jul 10, 2008, 10:36 PM

Just remember to make the right decision for YOU. If you can't deal with her past, find a way to deal with it first. I'm sure if she loves you that she will understand that you want to wait. Just remember not to judge her for the actions she's done in the past.

Good luck