I am a 27 year old man. I have been struggling for the past few months with my sexuality.
Growing up I was always attracted to women and masturbated regularly to women. In fact, until this confusion began, I always incredibly enjoyed masturbating to pictures of women and to straight pornography. I occasionally felt guilty about it... but I think we all do.
I date very selectively and always have. I have had two serious girlfriends. With the first girlfriend (ages 20-21), I was deeply attracted to her and derived intense pleasure from my intimacy with her. We did not have intercourse, but had oral sex almost daily for a year. We had a traumatic breakup and I was bummed for about a year.
Before I dated my second girlfriend, I had intimacy (hand jobs, oral sex) with 10-12 women, but started dating my second girlfriend at ages 24. We dated for about 18 months. I enjoyed sexual activity with her. I had intercourse for the first time; I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I might. I attributed this mostly to building it up too much and also to the fact that she never orgasmed. We broke up because of distance issues and I became seriously depressed.
About 3 months ago, several friends pointed out to me that I was too selective with dating--that I was turning down many opportunities to "get some" even if I wasn't going to get serious with these women's. Between my two girlfriends, I had taken advantage of a slew of these opportunities, but my thought at this point was that it's more trouble than it's worth to fool around with women in whom I have little genuine interest... but I started to wonder about myself. I have a lifelong pattern of getting into a girl and being into her for too long (obsessing). In middle school, I liked a bunch of girls, but liked one for 3-4 years. In high school, same thing. College, same thing, and then we dated. Post-college, I liked a girl for 5 years despite many rejections... I started to wonder if my obsessing about girls and my selectivity about dating were... homosexuality.
This thoughts became particularly intense when I took a business trip, guessed that an associate I was working with was gay, and then was disappointed that he had a girlfriend. I was startled at my disappointment. Then I started to notice vague feelings that I had around some men with who I worked and wondered if the vague feelings were not feelings of attraction... I wasn't sure. Then I started to notice pensis more when I looked at straight pornography and wondered whether my noticing them was something more. I started to think about what a penis might feel like in my mouth. I am not grossed out by the idea of gay sex--but have always been open minded.
When I in college, I had fleeting thoughts/feelings of attraction, but never anything that remained constant. I always liked women. I started seeing a therapist - who can't say whether I'm just obsessing about some natural feelings that we all have or whether I am gay. I started talking to lots of people about it - friends and family (10). All of these people think that I just have an obsessive personality and am getting carried away. Remarkably half of them reported similar feelings at some point. A good friend from high school who is gay says he doesn't think I'm gay and never thought that I was in the least.
About 2 months ago, I started periodically fooling around with a girl I know in part to just see how I feel about it. We don't have that much in common, so I don't feel that emotionally bonded to her, but I still enjoy sexual activity with her quite a bit. We give each other oral sex and hand jobs and I enjoy it just fine. I still jerk off to women and fantasies about ex-girlfriends, but my confusion seeps in sometimes, and I feel like my masturbation is less "confident" if that makes any sense. I get nervous about how I feel when women are giving oral sex to men in porn scenes.
Does sexuality change abruptly? That's how I feel about it. A lot of gay people say they always knew. This confusion is hitting me like a truck, because I don't think I ever had any idea of anything. I feel like I was superstraight and now have no clue where I stand. I'm still attacted to women, but then do this crazy sensory-overdrive thing where I ask myself if I'm attracted to every man I meet. It is exhausting. When I have a drink in me, I don't feel confused at all and my mind is much calmer... and not feeling very gay.
I'm confused as all hell and periodically depressed as hell about it. I'm from a conservative culture where being gay is not at all accepted.
I'd love people's thoughts on what I'm going through since it seems like a lot more people go through this type of thing than people share.