[kjmum]

I have a 12 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. It came to light yesterday that they have been touching each other... playing 'games', but I think it is more than this. She has been touching his penis, and he has been 'fingering her'.
I am in total shock, and last night sat them down to find out what was going on. (it was brought to my attention from a comment my daughter had made at school). They both admitted it in a kind of naïve way. I don't thing there was anything sinister in what they had done but it is unnacceptable.And I have made this very clear to them both. However I am left feeling hurt,angry,disappointed,blaming myself etc... I think I need to get some kind of help especially for my son with his feelings. I appreciate they are young,and their bodies are changing,hormones etc. But I don't know where to go with this. What to do. Has anyone else been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advise. I feel so sick.And scared.

[jenniepepsi]

I can't really say if this is normal or not... but I DO remember, around that age of prepuberty, playing 'house' with my brother. I would see his penis and poke at it, he would lay on top of me like our parents did (over clothing though)

It MAY be normal. And if they seem naïve and innocent about it, I would keep it simple with the same talk you should have had when they were toddlers. Those are private areas, and they are off limits.

[joypulv]

NO, please don't blame yourself or be scared. It's actually much more common than you probably are thinking. You know all about 'playing doctor' I'm sure, even at earlier ages. The word 'sissy' comes from boys who experimented with sisters but were afraid to move on to other girls. Some of it is just comparing bodies, when much younger. Some practice kissing. Some touch and play with each other's genitals, and it still can be quite naïve. Some do have intercourse, and that's where you stop them.
Sitting them down for a talk was just fine. Being upset about it is OK too; you can't really hide it nor should you, but try not to belabor the point, and certainly don't blame yourself. They are naïve but are also old enough to hear you and understand that your concerns are justified. You can search 'sibling sexual experimentation' and find tons of other information and stories from parents and therapists, etc.

Why do you say you need help with your son's feelings? Is he feeling angry, or remorseful? A visit or two with a child psychologist (just for you) is not a bad idea. Your children shouldn't need it, unless there's more to the story or becomes more.

[ScottGem]

I don't want to add to your guilt feelings, but I have to ask what have you done to educate them about improper touching etc. At their ages, they should have been talked to years earlier. When children first start getting out of your control (day care, school etc.) they need to be taught not to allow ANYONE to touch their privates. As they grow older these lessons need to be reinforced and an understanding about the interaction between the sexes needs to be explained. If you haven't been doing this, then yeah I think you have been remiss in your duties as a parent.

However, if you have done your duty as a parent, then the problem would appear to be curiosity and hormones may have overridden your teachings. Maybe they thought the rules didn't apply to a brother and sister and they thought they were only being good to each other.

But, how you handle this now will be important. I suspect they don't understand how wrong this was rather than some deep seated perversion in their makeup. Yes, you need to get some help, first to understand how you need to treat this so you don't scar them. Then they need to get some counseling to determine what their feelings are and deal with them properly.

Apparently the school is aware somewhat so a conference with the school guidance counselor would be the best place to start. The counselor can recommend some professionals for you to talk to.

[Fr_Chuck]

This may have been more normal at 6, but at 11 and 12, no this is not normal.

Also at 11 and 12, have you fully explained sex, pregnancy, and the "facts of life to them" they should not be "naive" at 11 or 12. Read on here, many kids 12 are having sex, becoming pregnant. So they need to know the facts of life.

This can have already caused many issues they will have latter in life, please get them into counseling as soon as possible.

[Wondergirl]

I think you should punish them

Remembering my youth, I don't think punishing is a good idea. It would have made me even more curious, like, what am I missing if Mom doesn't want me to do this. It would have also made me defiant, so I would have knocked myself out to do exactly what I wasn't supposed to do.

[tjp2011]

I was in a situation similar to this - except I was the daughter. I was 9 and my brother was 12 when it started - he coerced me into doing things I didn't want to do... so it should definitely be ringing alarm bells... you need to find out from both of them how they feel about it and what exactly has happened. It'll be horrible for you but it's not normal at this age... x

[ScottGem]

I think you should punish them and tell them right from wrong. You should tell them that they shouldn't be touching each other. Give them a warning. You the mother! Show them to help them. Your the boss!

And I think you are not a parent. Punishing them for what may be natural curiosity is the wrong move. We have no idea what is behind this possibly natural experimentation. Education is the ticket here not punishment.

I was in a situation similar to this - except i was the daughter. I was 9 and my brother was 12 when it started - he coerced me into doing things i didn't want to do... so it should definately be ringing alarm bells... you need to find out from both of them how they feel about it and what exactly has happened. it'll be horrible for you but it's not normal at this age... x

While I do agree the ages, especially in today's world are advanced for this type of behavior, the indication was that this was a mutual thing and that one child was not coercing the other. Again, as I said we don't know what education has occurred here. Even in this enlightened world, parents are still uncomfortable with the birds and bees talk.

I'm not saying this should not be dealt with, it needs to, but I firmly believe this parent needs professional help in dealing with it. If its not dealt with properly (like punishing them) it could have lasting effect on their psyches.

[kjmum]

Wow... what differing views.
Can I say first of all that I have most definitely not been a bad parent,or remiss. Indeed I have always gone out of my way to teach my children the right from wrong,in all situations. I have always fully explained their privacy,and respect for themselves. I blame to a point schools. I was not given sex education until half way through my secondary years,and now it is introduced in year 6 at primary. I agree that children are sadly sexually active so much younger these days, but maybe if it wasn't introduced to them so young, they wouldn't be.
I have had long talks with both of them, and with the school. I now know this was not something sinister,but a curiousity between the 2. They are more than aware now of the legalities,the wrongness of what they did, and the hurt it has caused. And I firmly believe they will not be repeating this in any way shape or form. Im not about to 'punish', as one person has suggested. I was scared at first, and shocked(still am). But I do know I have 2 beautiful children, who admitted straight away what they had done,and talked about it in an open,frank and honest way. Actually what has happened is that I have become even more proud of them, and will continue to guide them. I know now that they will in future talk with me about any feelings etc they get as they mature.
I guess how ever good parents we all may think we are, most children will 'mess up', and how we deal with it makes them the adults we will also love.
I thank you for your advise,your suggestions(most of you). What is also apparent having searched the web, is that over 20% of siblings do this,at some point, so it is not something that is just my children. They need continued love and guidance, not punishing. Indeed I think the tears I cried and the hurt on my face was punishment enough for them. Lesson learned... from us all.

[ScottGem]

But I do know I have 2 beautiful children, who admitted straight away what they had done,and talked about it in an open,frank and honest way. Actually what has happened is that I have become even more proud of them, and will continue to guide them. I know now that they will in future talk with me about any feelings etc they get as they mature.

Thanks for following up on this. Reading the above was very relieving. Sounds like you have this well in hand. Often and experience like this can bring parents and children closer.

[kjmum]

Thanks for following up on this. Reading the above was very relieving. Sounds like you have this well in hand. Often and experience like this can bring parents and children closer.

I hope so Scott... thank you.:)