I have an adult daughter (Age 30), who is constantly in crisis. She started in the Gay lifestyle about 8 years ago, and has had nothing but trouble since then. She has been in and out of many relationships, no only with other women, but her relationship with me and the rest of her family is very stressed. I was a single mother that raised my daughter and son alone. Since my daughter was about 3 years old, she made it a point to try everything she could with me to get her way. As she go older, I finally had to get outside help, because she was running away and basically doing whatever she wanted to. She never had any problems in school, but at home she treated me very disrespectful and hateful. The therapist told me that I was too permissive, and that I needed to start thinking about myself. Since she was 15, she has considered herself an adult. She just does what she wants without any regards for anyone else. She insisted on living on her own, and for a while did just fine. Then it became one crisis after another. She would move from here to there, and always asking me for money when she would get in a pickle. I basically stopped sending her any about 3 years ago. Then last year, when she ended up in another broken relationship, she got in trouble with the law over some fight or something. She never wants me to know what is going on in her life. I have offered to help by giving her a place to live, but I don't feel that just sending her money is the answer. We had not spoken for over a year, when I finally instigated contact through the e-mail. I thought maybe she had changed, but then it was another "broken" relationship, and more trouble with the law. Next thing I know she is e-mailing me saying that she is going to change her name, and move so no one knows where she is at. I still don't really know where she is at, but yet she called me the other day wanting $100 to help with her pickup payment. I didn't have the money, so now last night she texted me wanting $50 for gas and food. She seems to always play on my guilt, because her father wasn't around for her, and that makes me feel bad. I don't know whether to send the money. Part of me just thinks she is manipulating me again, and I am wondering is maybe she is on drugs. No one in my family has had problems with the law. I just don't know what to do about her. She has hurt me so badly in the past, because she did everything she could to gain control over me. I hope someone can give me some advise.

You are just an ATM to her. I wouldn't send her any money, but you are free to do what you want. Just don't expect anything from her in return.

She is 30 years old right?

Was the broken relationship between her and you is the result of her choice to be gay? If that is where it stems from then I do believe that maybe you need to show her more acceptance?

At the same time, yes when somebody falls and keeps on falling you want to be there to pick them up but the answer is not always money. Is this the only time she contacts you? Is when she needs money? I would say that with the lifestyle chosen it makes it very hard for her to feel acceptance and maybe she is lashing out and that is why?

Do you tell her that you love her and that you will be her shoulder to cry on anytime but that she needs to find her own way in life especially at 30 years old.

When you say trouble with the law, what kind of trouble? Series or minor and as far as drugs has she always had problems with drugs? As far as taking control over you? How can that be when you're the parent?

If she only calls you when she needs money then I would suggest you tell her that you love her but can not afford it right now.

Joe

She's 30 ? That makes her an adult. Time to cut the umbilical cord .

When you run out of resources will she take you in or consign you to a state run nursing home? Will she finance your retirement home or pay for that vacation you have saved for all your life ?

I'm not an expert in this area but I am a parent. You have described the classic signs of manipulation. You said she has considered herself an adult since she was 15 but she still hasn't grown up! It does sound like she's playing you against your guilt. Your therapist from way back was as right then and their words are now: you have to take care of yourself. It's not easy letting a child flounder, but she's the one making the choices, not you. She won't learn from her mistakes if you don't let her learn them. She's hunting for your threshold: $100, No, then $50, No, next maybe $20.. "How much can I squeeze out of her?" Don't let her wear you down and you'll feel better about yourself.
I hope this bit of insight helps...

My younger sister (24) does the same thing to my mom. My mom always gave in. But finally put her foot down and said she would be there for her as her mom, if she ever needed a place to sleep, shower, eat etc... but she was not giving her any more money.

Basically by continuing to give her money you are enabling her. She knows you will bail her out of whatever jam she is in. You need to force her to be responsible for herself... that's what's adults do.

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Originally Posted by odie52

agrees: You were very helpful, and I feel absolutely right. It is just so hard. I want her to grown up and be close to me.

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If you make her grow up, she will likely respect you more. The hard part is riding out her lows. This will be the period where she may think she hates you the most, but it will also be the times when she reflects on how she got herself there. Remain strong.

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odie52 agrees: I did the same thing. So did it get better for your mom? Thanks

Well it eased my mom's mind... she at least knew that she was not enabling her to buy drugs, or go out drinking etc. My sister is still in a bad place and we are here for her but we don't give her money because that only makes the problem worse.
She used to do the same thing to me, ask me for money all the time. I am only a 1 1/2 years older than her. She knew if she needed to eat she could come to my house and eat, she could shower, relax etc. If she asked for gas money to get to work, sometime I would tell her no, but if I really knew it was to get to work I would meet her at a gas station and use my card to pay for the gas and the gas only.
The only money we are willing to put out for her is to pay for rehab. Other than that, she knows we are here if she needs somewhere to go.

I just wanted to know how you are doing now. Also, I need to let you know that the constant sending money for my two adult children resulting in my bankruptcy. Our relationships are more and more strained, and now I cannot give them any more money. Don't go into bankruptcy. It's not a fun place to be. Either our children love us, or they don't. We can't continue to support them forever. I know it hurts to be treated like an ATM. We just have to learn to love ourselves again and let them go off and grow up in their own time.

I was your daughter at one time in my life and if I was able to control what my mother did and didn't do for me due to her not wanting to feel bad inside and not letting me fall and make my own mistakes I believe I would have not wasted so much of my life. By her enabling me for so long I didn't have to worry about my mistakes or messing up because I knew all I had to do was whine a bit and she would fuss at me and then take care of whatever mess I caused. I love my Mom but at times I resent her for enabling me for so many years. I don't think it is fair for parents to be so selfish and weak that they hurt their child(ren) and never allow them to make there path and fail.

This is from 2007. Please keep an eye on the date when you answer. Good answer but the thread is long closed.

My adult sons life is a mess and he is just avoiding everything. How much can I help if he won't help himself