My girlfriend doesn't want sex / low sex drive
Hi all,
New member here and a bit nervous, but getting some answers anonymously might help to put my mind at east.
As you maybe guessed from the title, I'm having a problem with my relationship; specifically the sex part. My girlfriend is 20 and I am 27, and have been in a serious relationship for over four months now. We met over a year ago, and when we met it was a highly sexual, non-emotional relationship. Neither of us were ready for a relationship at that time, so after about six weeks, she decided to call it off; despite the fact I felt like I was falling in love with her. A few months went past, and we decided we missed each other a lot and that we wanted to be together. She realised how much she liked me and how much she missed me.
We fell in love, and after four months we are very emotionally close to each other. We do everything together, spend a lot of quality time with each other but we both have mutual respect for each others space if we want to do other things. We tell each other we love each other every day, we are romantic, we spend every weekend together, we go out to the pub together, she loves my friends and I get on really well with her friends. We go to church when we can together on a Sunday, so our connection is almost on a spiritual level too. Sometimes I surprise her with little gifts to make her feel wanted and special, occasionally I have splashed out a little and got her something cute. Sometimes she does the same for me. We talk often, a few times a day on the phone at work; and usually have dinner together at my place (she lives with her parents). I was off ill for a while and she stayed with me to look after me; she cooked and cleaned as I wasn't able to and went and got my shopping a couple of times. I really feel truly loved by this girl.
We kiss, hug, hold hands, touch, put our arms around each other all the time, every day. So in a nutshell, our love, romance and companionship couldn't really be any better. I have my own place, and she's here most days; so there is no pressure from anyone and we have total privacy.
However, sex is rare. She knew after a few weeks of getting back together that I was wanting to have sex with her (she's gorgeous, and I always tell her how beautiful, attractive and sexy she is). However, she said she "just wasn't ready". I accepted this and just let the weeks go by.
Now, we have sex about once every 7 to 10 days, so we have sex on average about three times a month at the most - always initiated by me. The times when we've had sex, she's been drunk after we've been out - which makes me feel a bit bad about myself, but I suspect it reduces her inhibition? When we have had sex, she screams the house down - I always make her climax and she says I'm "awesome" in bed. I must admit, my sex drive is high. I'd like to have sex 3 to 4 times per week, but I know she doesn't want to, so I don't try. I've tried a few different ways to suggest we have sex: I always wait until a more appropriate time, I will maybe kiss her gently on the neck a few times, touch her hair and whisper to her "do you want to come with me to bed?" - I've also tried being a bit more "caveman" and spontaneous with her, I've tried sending her little cheeky text messages throughout the day with suggestive undertones leading to something later that night, I've tried romantic dinners and cozy nights in with some wine. All of these tactics fail.
Sadly though, the lack of sex and her unwillingness to have sex have led to us having a "heavy discussion" (don't want to say "argument", because it was more of an upset discussion on the problem). She cried and said that sex is just "not on the radar" for her just now, but that she's feeling bad about herself because she doesn't satisfy me sexually and wishes she could (even though I don't pressure her like that). She's scared I'm going to leave her for someone "more in the mood" than her (I've obviously reassured her).
Contraception wise, she recently started the injection (depo provera) which has made our sex life hit rock bottom. Now, sexual touching is off the radar completely. She's not interested in sex at all, doesn't want it at all, doesn't want to touch me sexually, doesn't want to be touched sexually. I know that this is down to the injection, but it's starting to make me unhappy having absolutely no sexual contact.
We've talked about it a lot and in depth; I asked her simply if she didn't fancy me, if she was going off me to which she laughed and said "of course not! I still really fancy you!". I asked her if I wasn't attractive anymore, and if so, it might be best to be honest about how we felt about each other - again she reassured me that it's not me, and that I am still very attractive to her. I also asked her if she maybe had feelings for someone else, to this she got angry and said that there wasn't anyone else and that she really truly loved me.
She just simply doesn't want sex often, and since the injection, not at all. I'm lucky our relationship is so good in other areas, so I'm prepared to wait and work on this - but can anyone offer any advice on what to do about this or what's going on? I'm terrified she's going off me, or has gone off me and will end up terminating the relationship. I just can't seem to turn her on regardless of how great things are going. People say that sex is a good barometer of a relationship, but I'm not so sure.
The only things worth noting is that she has gained a little bit of weight over the year, and she's very self conscious of herself and is not happy with her body (regardless of what I tell her). Her self-esteem is quite low as a result. Additionally, she does seem quite tired a lot of the time.
Any advice welcome.