Hi, I'm a 55 year old man who has been married for close to 30 years to the same woman. I love her very much and think she is very attractive but I am not at all interested in sex. We used to have a great sex life up until about five years ago. But now, I just find it very boring... like I am fulfilling my mission in life. She is very conservative and not adventurous in the bedroom and would not entertain the idea of anything outside of her and I in the bedroom (i.e. toys, people, etc.) and only normal sex. Varied sexual positions are few and she cannot orgasm with me inside her. Now, even I cannot climax inside her. I was going to ask if anything was wrong with me but as I write this, it is clear what is wrong... it's so boring. So how do I change things around without hurting her feelings and how do we have a fulfilling sex life as we go into our old age?

HI Neut,

You may want to see a doctor your testosterone levels may be low. I am sure that you may have heard this before but it does help to have it increased if low.

As far as the interest in love making I would really suggest counseling it can do wonders.

Stringer

She only wants normal sex? What do you consider normal sex to be?

I don't know that suggesting "other people" to a very conservative wife is necessarily a good idea.

What I'd like to know is... what happened 5 years ago? Are you saying that your sex life was good for 25 years and now suddenly it has stopped-- or at least-- stopped being good?

It sounds like having a happy sex life is important to you. Does she know that? Is having a happy sex life (for both of you) important to her?

Perhaps the way to not hurt her feelings is to find out about just how she does feel about sexuality. What are her dreams of the perfect sex life with a partner? Is that something that she'd be willing to discuss with you?

When you ask her this, the question is not just what a great sexual relationship would look like to her, but what it would mean to her? How did she develop these ideas over time?

Then, if she's open to it, you can tell her your dreams for a great sex life. But I have to agree with the other poster-- telling her you'd like to include other people is probably way not worth the risk, unless she has already expressed a similar desire to you.

If she's unreceptive to having any discussion of what happy sex life looks like and means to her, then I would suggest dropping it for now.

Perhaps the two you could trade stories of other aspects of your relationship-- trading stories of your dream/vision for the relationship.

The idea is not to agree, but simply to get an open discussion going. Each one gets to talk for a bit without interruption. If you start on more familiar topics and wait a bit, maybe that will make the happy sexual relationship dream discussion easier.

Eventually, though, it will be necessary for you to let her know that your need to have your sex life (with her-- don't even hint about others)to be more varied and interesting. And through out all of these, make sure that she hears it a lot that you love her very much and find her attractive.

Sincerely,

Tina Miller, M.A.

Aka, SocialPsiTina