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-   -   My boyfriend watches porn (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=167998)

  • Jan 2, 2008, 01:42 PM
    girly827
    My boyfriend watches porn
    Last night I got angry with my boyfriend because I found out that he not only watches porn, but that he masturbates to it as well. I was really shocked and overreacted. We had joked about him watching porn before, but he always said that when he was masturbating he was looking at pictures of me. Finding out that he was looking at other girls too made me feel like I need to change something about myself. I have even watched it with him before, so porn itself doesn't bother me, it's the thought of him looking at someone else. He has told me that he cares about me and loves me and that porn is completely different than the feeling you get when having sex with the person that you love, but I don't understnd that very well. I just need some input on how to react. He's coming home from a snowboarding trip in a couple of days and I don't want to feel strange about seeing him because of the pron. How should I approach him when he gets back?
  • Jan 2, 2008, 01:48 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    There's... really nothing wrong with watching porn + masturbating to it. I don't think. Granted, some people will say that it's "cheating" or it's "immoral."

    To be honest with you, I think MOST guys do so... even guys that have a girlfriend. Yes... he stares at women and masturbates to it, but he goes to sleep with you. All guys stare. It's what we do. Guys who tell you that we don't stare... are lying.

    Are you both physically active? It is possible that he simply enjoys his "alone time." do you have low self esteem.. that could be an issue. Perhaps you could talk to your boyfriend about this.. I'm not sure what kind of reaction you would get.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 02:38 PM
    girly827
    Yeah, we are sexually active with each other. Very. He said that he watches porn when he has "morning wood" and that he can't come over to my house and the porn is "right there". I really just needed help understanding what to do and if there was a reason for why he was looking at someone other than me. I know he cares about me a lot and we have said that we can't see ourselves with anyone but each other, so I just couldn't understand how he would feel okay with looking at other girls in a sexual way.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:02 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    Don't girls look at abercrombie models or look at guys in magazines and drool? You're telling me you didn't look at brad pitt's abs during fight club and go... WOOOW..

    Isn't it similar?

    Granted, with porn, it's more explicit and sexual, but it's a similar kind of way of looking at it.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:16 PM
    girly827
    So, as he's watching it , it doesn't mean that he is looking at what he would rather see himself with, but that it might be more of "eyecandy"?
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:19 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    Absolutely. I'll admit that I watch porn from time to time (... been busy lately. Work at 7am... home at 11pm... dinner... sleep).

    I would NOT want to be with a porn star. Porn stars sleep with others for money. Just because I look at them doesn't mean I want to be with them. Simply watch them to get aroused.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:41 PM
    inthebox
    Girly 827:


    Just my 2 cents fom a male - who does struggle with porn.

    Porn is too easy, instant gratification, no work, women are objects to be viewed for what they do for me and how they appear.

    How can a real women meet those male needs that porn fosters?
    What about things that matter to most women most of the time?
    Romance, foreplay, talking, non sexual touches, assurance, comitment, etc.. Porn does not tell us guys there is a need for this in order to "get off."

    This is insidious and though it the virtual world is different than the real world it does influence us.

    You are right to be concerned. The fact that you expresssed your concern and he has not really responded is not a good sign. He may be the one in need of help.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:44 PM
    girly827
    Wow. I feel somewhat better now. I think I needed someone else's input. Now I just need to patch things up with him. You've helped me a lot. Thank you :)
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:48 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by girly827
    he has told me that he cares about me and loves me and that porn is completely different than the feeling you get when having sex with the person that you love, but i dont understnd that very well?

    @ inthebox

    Don't you agree with the quote above? Yes. Watching porn is COMPLETELY different than having sex with someone you love. And also, it wasn't that he didn't respond. He did. If ANY girlfriends talked to any of their boyfriends of how porn disturbed them, this forum'd be overwhelmed.

    I'm sure that most of my buddies watch porn... and most of their girlfriends assume this and aren't bothered by it.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 03:50 PM
    girly827
    inthebox-

    I told him that I basically felt like I needed to change myself for him and he said that I was stupid for thinking that and that I was wonderful and that porn was "different". I guess I veiwed porn stars as what men really want and that I should try to be as pretty as "one could be". I'm starting to think I should start believing what my boyfriend says more and understand the diference between what he may look at that's "hot" and who he is with because he cares for them. Oof. Someimes it's just a little difficult to "deal"
  • Jan 2, 2008, 04:19 PM
    stonewilder
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by girly827
    i really just needed help understanding what to do and if there was a reason for why he was looking at someone other than me. i know he cares about me a lot and we have said that we can't see ourselves with anyone but each other, so i just couldnt understand how he would feel okay with looking at other girls in a sexual way.




    You could be a supper modal and he would still look at other woman. Men are very visual where as woman are more into touch. I don't know why woman take it so personal that men like looking at woman,if they didn't we'd think they were gay. It's just part of their nature and means nothing more than a "quick fix" sort of speak. You are getting upset over sluts on a TV screen that he has a slim to no chance of ever getting close too much less touching even if he really wanted to. They are merely part of a fantasy world that doesn't really exist. It's not much different than a fantasy you might conger in your own head but would never think of bringing it to life. If he's starring down woman, flirting and touching while you're with him then you have something worth being bothered by but a bunch of sluts on a screen has nothing on you... the real thing.
  • Jan 2, 2008, 05:24 PM
    girly827
    stonewilder-

    Thank you. Thats's a pretty good way to look at it. I have gotten a lot of input on this since this afternoon and everything has helped me see that I made a biig deal out of , really, nothing. I ican handle the situation much better now. :)
  • Jan 2, 2008, 07:28 PM
    girly827
    I don't hate it, I have watched it with my boyfriend multiple times. I just didn't know how to relate to the new situation. I'm happy. I got what I needed, some really good adice. Porn haters won't bug me. Lol.
  • May 24, 2010, 09:14 PM
    mredding
    Hey girly,

    My boy watches porn and gets off to it as well, and it still gets me down from time to time; however, I've discovered that a confident girl is a sexy girl, no matter what. My boy tends to watch more porn when I get down on myself (It's a vicious cycle, but he doesn't see that), but when I'm confident and feel good about myself, he seems to have less interest in it. I know this wasn't the answer to the question you asked but I wanted to give you some advice that worked for me in reducing my boyfriend's porn-watching without making him feel like he had to, but rather because he had something better to look at. So go strut your stuff and give him no reason to watch that stuff! :) PS it may take some time for him to change, but don't give up it'll work after a while :)
  • May 24, 2010, 11:50 PM
    SimpleguyJoe

    Look at the time stamps before you make a post, this thing is ancient...

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