I've been thinking I may want to abstain from sex until marriage, or something marriage-oriented. I've been dating and had boyfriends for 25 years now. I am 42.
I just feel like every guy I get involved with lately - it's only good between us for a few months.
There's a whole pattern to it that I noticed.

But my question is, how would I bring it up to my boyfriend, who I love, and how could I say it without hurting his feelings?

I'm very attracted to him and we have outstanding sex. It's just that I feel now that having sex with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with is bad for my spiritual, emotional, and mental health.
I feel we are right for each other in many ways, and want to continue spending time together and dating until we decide if we are interested in marriage together or not.
I'm thinking if I abstain from sex with my boyfriend, our chances of one day having a wonderful love-filled marriage are much higher.

Then there's the flip-side of well what about his needs. Yeah, I know. Honestly, no, I couldn't live with him sleeping with other women while we were still dating. That would just be a sure-fire way for us to break-up, and I'm trying to avoid that so... a bit of a dilemma.

Tell him how you feel hunnn, and tell him if he loved you truly.. or wanted to in the future, (if you two are that far.. ), lol. Anyway.. explain to him it's because you want to have something more special with him.. and you honestly believe that having sex now, will possibly ruin the chances you have of that. Hunnnn, you need to stand up for yourself and you beliefs, and what YOU want! Cause only you can control the outcome of your life.. If you believe this is an option that will honeslty make what you feel and have stronger in the end.. ACT ON IT! Like I said you need to be happy, lol.

If he's too stupid to realize that this could be something good, and the fact that you want to do it.. to make everything BETTER, lol. He's not worth it, you can find someone BETTER, lol. :DD

Hope I helped,
MandyMarie:DD

If you feel this way I believe you should act upon it.

Have a serious conversation with him and explain your reasons and feelings on the matter.

I think it's sort of putting the cart before the horse. Shouldn't it be before you have sex with a new boyfriend, that you explain you want to abstain until you know at least the relationship is going to work out?

To have regular sex with a man while you are dating him, and then all of a sudden tell him that you want to abstain for your spiritual and emotional health, might be enough to end the relationship right there.

It just might take away too much from the relationship that is already established.

You could try of course, and see where it goes with him, and explain you want a deeper more meaningful relationship without sex until you are sure.

Why do you think recent relationships only last two months.

Sorry, but as a guy, I would think that your using sex as a weapon to get me to commit to something I may not want.

Probably be a lot better to communicate, and define this relationship together, and see what you both can come up with.

Honest expressions of your feelings is a lot better than imposing limits, and restrictions, on what sounds like a fairly new relationship.

The time to be abstinent is before you have sex, not after. No guy would stay with a female that changes so drastically in the middle of dating.

Communicate honestly, whether he stays or not, at least you can go forward.

I don't know if I agree with the idea that he would just walk.
Our relationship isn't based on sex. Thankfully I knew enough to get to know him before I went there with him.
He's now sitting back with his feet up so to speak, feeling like he got the job done and now he can relax.
I take this as a sign of him losing interest.
This is where my (and many women's) insecurity surfaces.
So I just went from feeling confident, happy and vivacous during the first few months of courtship, to feeling insecure - feeling neglected and taken for granted, because his energy toward me has decreased.

I think sometimes men are hard-wired to "relax" after they have gotten their chosen woman into bed, and that can cause a cchain-reaction: he's showing less interest (even though he hasn't lost interest), she then gets scared that he's withdrawing, they start having arguments, and pretty soon, the relationship that never was, even if they are in love - is over.

My guy really wants a good relationship too, and was really lonely for years before we met.
I am honoring 'us' by making this choice, as well as taking care of myself.

I don't think men really know what we go through, how much patience and faith is required of a woman to have a physically intimate relationship without a real commitment. It's really hard to keep your balance sometimes, and it's hard to keep yourself from having negative thoughts about what's "really going on" and stuff like that. It's actually exhausting, and stressful, like working without a net. There is an inappropriate amount of trust given to a man who you've only known a few months, even though you might feel a deep connection, and that seems to make other things not matter so much.

I want in a way to regress our relationship, but only so that we can be on solid ground to give our relationship a better chance of flourishing. So maybe it's not really a regression, but a new phase.

I'm not disputing your theory,but,could it be that he is just relaxing into the relationship,and a discussion on where you both see it heading will bring the same result.

Having a frank honest talk about what you both expect and want in the future will help you feel more secure and grounded in the knowledge that your both on the same page.

BTW, can you define what you mean by "communication"? I find often that direct verbal communication isn't very effective at all. Me doing this would be communicating very clearly that I value myself and our relationship much too much to watch it ail because of the imbalances we've created thus far (by becoming sexual with each other before committing).

Also, taliniman, think what you will, but don't tell a woman that if she takes control of her sexuality and choices thereof, she's starting a war. What if I said well. HE is using sex as a weapon, by making it a requirement in his relationships. If the man in question doesn't want to see his woman anymore, or invest anymore in their relationship after she stops sex, great. Now she knows how he really feels about her! And she's free to move on to someone that will value her highly enough to "wait".

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

im not disputing your theory,but,could it be that he is just relaxing into the relationship,and a discussion on where you both see it heading will bring the same result.

having a frank honest talk about what you both expect and want in the future will help you feel more secure and grounded in the knowledge that your both on the same page.

---

I like that idea, but how do I do that exactly? I have told him in the past that I am looking to be a wife, not a girlfriend, but I don't want to bring up some big talk about "where is this going".. don't guys hate that??

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by YouniQ

I like that idea, but how do I do that exactly? I have told him in the past that I am looking to be a wife, not a girlfriend, but I don't want to bring up some big talk about "where is this going".. don't guys hate that???

---

Your 42.. what age is he? And how long have you been together?

I guess it depends on how well you know him,and how long you have been dating.

I did it,I'm 37 nearly 38,my boyfriend is 37,he wants to get married have a child,I'm divorced have 3 children... we needed to have the talk,we were both on the same page and agreed to let our relationship develop naturally.

Its nearly a year in now,and I feel secure and happy,there's no pressure on us.

At least if you state your case you will know... your a grown women,be that.. be the women who stands up for what she wants,if its not this guy,you have learned a lesson not wasted any more time and know exactly what you want.

I will say,when you talk about this,let him speak to,listen to him,he may not want it in 5 months but maybe at a year... all you need is to know you have a future together and you can make plans for that future.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by YouniQ

He's now sitting back with his feet up so to speak, feeling like he got the job done and now he can relax.
I take this as a sign of him losing interest.
This is where my (and many women's) insecurity surfaces.
So I just went from feeling confident, happy and vivacous during the first few months of courtship, to feeling insecure - feeling neglected and taken for granted, because his energy toward me has decreased.

I think sometimes men are hard-wired to "relax" after they have gotten their chosen woman into bed, and that can cause a cchain-reaction: he's showing less interest (even though he hasn't lost interest), she then gets scared that he's withdrawing, they start having arguments, and pretty soon, the relationship that never was, even if they are in love - is over.

My guy really wants a good relationship too, and was really lonely for years before we met.
I am honoring 'us' by making this choice, as well as taking care of myself.

I don't think men really know what we go through, how much patience and faith is required of a woman to have a physically intimate relationship without a real commitment. It's really hard to keep your balance sometimes, and it's hard to keep yourself from having negative thoughts about what's "really going on" and stuff like that. It's actually exhausting, and stressful, like working without a net. There is an inappropriate amount of trust given to a man who you've only known a few months, even though you might feel a deep connection, and that seems to make other things not matter so much.

I want in a way to regress our relationship, but only so that we can be on solid ground to give our relationship a better chance of flourishing. So maybe it's not really a regression, but a new phase.

---

Well, it's obvious you want to get married (to someone).

If you look over the things that you've written can you not see how negative you are and how you are setting up each relationship to fail.
Just a thought, maybe you cannot see it.
I like your theory too, but you know, you get what you believe in in the end.

Also you want romance darlin', like it was in the beginning.
You think a ring or piece of paper is going to make it all wonderful the next day ?

Your 42 so, for goodness sakes, tell the man what you want !
Tell him the romance is slacking off, I love you and want things to progress further.
How do you feel ? Lets do all the wonderful things together like when we first met.

Okay, so he's relaxing and purring like a cat, but you feel like you're not being appreciated.
So tell him! Tell your partner what you want. Most men are not going to know and think everything is rosy. They are not mind readers, they are men.

If you don't tell him love, there's only one person out there in the universe to blame.
Are you sure you want to do the same pattern over and over, go ahead ! It's all about choice.

He might take it personally.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

your 42..what age is he? and how long have you been together?

i guess it depends on how well you know him,and how long you have been dating.

i did it,im 37 nearly 38,my boyfriend is 37,he wants to get married have a child,im divorced have 3 children...we needed to have the talk,we were both on the same page and agreed to let our relationship develop naturally.

its nearly a year in now,and i feel secure and happy,theres no pressure on us.

at least if you state your case you will know....your a grown women,be that..be the women who stands up for what she wants,if its not this guy,you have learned a lesson not wasted any more time and know exactly what you want.

i will say,when you talk about this,let him speak to,listen to him,he may not want it in 5 months but maybe at a year...all you need is to know you have a future together and you can make plans for that future.

---

Yes I'm 42, he's 49. We met in Sept '09, so only @4 months. We first became physically intimate around Thanksgiving, which I felt just fine about at the time. He was showing me real signs of long-term interest, and I was feeling happy and secure.

I need some specific examples of what I could say to open this topic up with him without making him feel pressured or defensive. I myself am not "sure" about whether I want to marry him yet, so what could I say?

I'm really bad at "the talk" - in fact I have never done it, because I always think it will drive the guy away, but if it will help I will do it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by J. Sparks

Well, it's obvious you just want to get married (to someone).

If you look over the things that you've written can you not see how negative you are and how you are setting up each relationship to fail.

Just a thought, maybe you cannot see it.

---

I don't know how you got all that out of what I wrote. You would actually have to explain yourself for anyone to know whatyou're talking about.

I certainly do not want to get married to "anyone" - and there's nothing in what I wrote to suggests that.

Why don't you point out evidence of my negativity? If indeed it is there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by YouniQ

I certainly do not want to get married to "anyone" - and there's nothing in what I wrote to suggests that.

---

Well, I said 'someone' as in someone special, I never mentioned 'anyone'.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by YouniQ

Why don't you point out evidence of my negativity? If indeed it is there.

---

Okay, good question.
". . . every guy I get involved with lately - it's only good between us for a few months." - negative
"I take this as a sign of him losing interest." - negative
"I think sometimes men are hard-wired to "relax" after they have gotten their chosen woman into bed" - negative
"pretty soon, the relationship that never was, even if they are in love - is over. " - really negative
"I don't think men really know what we go through" -negative
"It's really hard : to keep your balance" -negative
"It's really hard : to keep yourself from having negative thoughts" -negative
"There is an inappropriate amount of trust given to a man" -negative
"that seems to make other things not matter so much." -negative

Ok, just some examples. As an outsider from this relationship it looks like you are mentally 'hard wiring' yourself for failure. Maybe perhaps because of things that have happened in the past.. .
But, whatever the reason you are bringing that mental mind state into the present. So low and behold you are going to recreate the same patterns as before to the point where you are looking for all the signs of confirmation that it's all true.

First of all my advice is to get out of all the negativity, all ill feelings of insecurity. It's YOUR life and "YOU" are going to make it work.
YOU are going to be positive and everything is going to work out fantastic because THIS time is NOT all the other times before, it's a NEW time !
You're going to talk to your partner, honestly and sincerely about all your feelings and create the "picture" of the "future" YOU are BOTH "going" to have TOGETHER.

Don't talk to him about "commitment". Talk to him about your wonderful future together, make it sound "uplifting" and have the confidence it is all going to turn out to be magnificent.

You can do it, you can have everything you want ! Without any form of manipulation.

Quote:

---

So only @4 months.

---

I honestly think you should relax, and get to know each other, and 4 months is way to soon to be pushing for forever. Rushing into a life commitment with a stranger may not be best at this time, just because there is still a lot to learn, about each other.

Despite your ages, there is no hurry, and you may as well wait for later, maybe a year to find out if there is something besides the lust driving this relationship.

Your okay with the sex, so why change things? Just relax, and enjoy each other, and see what happens.

Make sure you are certain of your motives for such a decision.

Is it spirituality? Are you a spiritual person in other aspects of your life?

Is it because he is enjoying the "dividends" with little or no investment?

Could it be an ultimatum to go to the next level?

If it's spiritual cleansing you seek, by all means do what makes you feel the serenity you need. You will most definitely find out what this guy's motives are. And how he feels about you.

Not all guys would stick around with such an arrangement. Especially
If they've already tasted the fruit.

I think the best way of handling his lack of romantic inspiration is to talk to him first. Tell him what it is that you really want and need.

Because, remember you will be missing out on this "great sex' too.

Good luck to you.

If he loves you he'll understand. In order for my church to marry me and my fiancé, we have to abstain too, even though we would rather not. It's REALLY, REALLY difficult for us, but I wish you the best!

Hi! Youni. I looked up this topic on Google and found your question. I found myself in your position last summer. My boyfriend of one year, did not like the idea of us being without sex. So we didn't change. And guess what, the relationship ended abrubtly. That happened I think because I didn't obey gods comands. I really have a heart for this man and we have never been fully able to let go of the bootycalls. Today I was on the phone with him. And he was telling me that if I wanted to try again to be with him, there would have to be a no sex boundery. Sorry my english isn't so good :) so my dear if you truly are experiencing a calling from god as I was, it is to be taken seariusly.God wouldn't be asking this of you, if mr.boyfrend was the wrong guy for you. You might even split up for som time like we did. If you stay true to god your man will come around to it. God bless you

Over a year old thread CLOSED.