21 y.o. M, can't get over ex-girl.
[B][B]I don't know if this will help any, and I've never given this sort of online q.a. format a chance, so I figured I'd try it, because I'm desperate for advice. So here it goes.
Ok, first of all, I'm a very very open person. I have no problem telling complete strangers what's on my mind, so communication with a friends isn't a problem for me. The problem I've found, with communication, is that in speaking about this I appear to be whiney/weak, and overall I just don't want to bore my friends with the topic anymore.
Anyway... the situation:
Basically two summers ago I started seeing this beautiful girl, my dream girl, and we clicked instantly. She had a boyfriend at the time, who actually had proposed to her, but she gave all of that up for me. Before we started dating we were friends, not very close friends, but friends none the less.
For the first 3 months, it felt like heaven. I was addicted to her and she was addicted to me. We fell for each other fast and hard, and it was almost alarming. Then, when winter rolled around we started having differences. I started trying to put my foot down on some unreasonable demands she used to make of me, and that caused a few issues, but nothing major. Basically I was sticking up for myself, while still giving myself fully to her.
Then as spring rolled around, things got worse. I made two really bad mistakes that led up to our official break up. First incident: One of my good friends from high school, who I hadn't seen in a long time was visiting... we went out on February 13th, I got way too drunk, and spent most all of Valentine's Day (the next day) with alcohol poisoning. She was not pleased because I had done this several times before, and the excuse, "I was drunk baby." wasn't cutting it any longer. Second incident (final straw): I was partying with my roommate (very hard over the course of a weekend) for his 21st b-day. I didn't get home to retrieve my phone, consequentelly it died. While this was happening, the girl, was away on business at the time, and was very very ill, and since I didn't answer the phone that was the final straw for her.
Immediately after we broke she started seeing other people. She is a very very very pretty girl, and a triple threat (a college track star, model and dancer). The point I'm trying to make is that she can pretty much have anyone she wants, but I believe that these "flings" now were to get over me.
Keep in mind that the official date of us breaking up was back in February of 2006 (about a year ago). Even now, a year later, I can't get her out of my mind and I'm absolutely destroying myself psychologically and physically.
After we broke up, we still casually dated with lots of sex... which I now realize was a terrible idea, and only kept me holding onto false hopes longer. Over the summer of 2006 I started seeing someone else. Casually, nothing serious, and that seemed to help, until I realized this other girl was a psychopath and that I hated her (don't ask).
The next milestone occurred last fall. For my 21st party, my ex came, and we were very close, closer than we had been in a while. She told me that night that after we get out of college that she wants to try us again. So, this got me back on her bandwagon, and it's only gotten worse ever since.
She found someone else that's serious, and I can't stop talking to her, or attempting to contact her. I text her every now and then, but never on the phone or anything. Every time I run into her I get dizzy and lightheaded and sometimes even start shaking.
Her new boyfriend was a very close friend of hers while we were dating, and I can't help but think that she cheated on me. Her new boyfriend is also a total psychopath, and has threatened me on several occasions. I don't know if he's threatened by me or if maybe I hooked up with her while they were together or what (I don't know exactly when they started seeing each other).
I know I'm young, so I'm hoping to get advice from older more experienced people. This is tearing my entire life apart, still to this day. I miss work a lot, I'm taking a bunch of time off school, my grades have dropped to a pathedic level and I don't take care of myself. I party now more than ever (drinking about 4 times a week, each time blacking out or close to it), and last night I almost overdosed on cocaine.
I woke up today, happy to be alive, but still empty. I don't get why me, and why she can't just love me again, or why anyone for that matter can't. I used to have all kinds of confidence with women, way before her. I am a very attractive, intelligent and independent person, but I believe that no one desires me, and that it's all hopeless. I often think about killing myself, but know I lack the courage to do so... I guess that's what my cocaine binge was about last night.
I used to be a college DI distance runner, and I constantly smoke and hardly ever work out. I drink and do drugs almost daily, and I lean on them as a bit of an emotional crutch. I can't afford professional help, and I can't tell my parents about everything because they will have me pulled out of school, and then my entire life will be over. Someone please help me. I know that we only saw each other for 9 months, but this is the first serious relationship I've ever had in my life. Someone please help, I don't know how to deal with this.