Ask Me Help Desk - My wife has low sex drive what must I do? Before we marry we used to kiss and cuddle

What must I do? My wife has low sex drive / is less interested into sex. We did not he=ave sex before marriage. We used to kiss and cuddle until she was wet. Ever since we marry she is now less interested in sex. From the first day of marriage she is just not there even her kissing changed for the worst. She hardly becomes wet and does not participate fully during sex. We have talked about this many times. My worry is that she might not change. I know she is capable of being great in sex but there is something that holds her back. Even on oral sex she expects to receive but not to give. What advise can I get out there?

Questions:
1). What are you using for Birth Control? Is it condoms? Hormonal? Pulling out?

If you are using Hormonal Birth Control, than that might be the culpruite. Low sex drive is a side effect of many hormonal birth control. IE, the pill.

2). If you're not using birth control, are you trying for children? Are you wanting children at this point?

If you're not using birth control, than she might be too concerned with getting pregnant to appreciate or desire sex.

3). Is there any sort of stress in her life right now? How is she taking to Married life? Is her job stressful? Is her job plus your expectations of her around the home leaving her stressed/tired?

Within the first month or so of living together your domestic roles are usually defined. Who does the cooking, cleaning, fixing, and the like. It could be that along side her job (if she has one) and her domestic chores, she is just too tired or stressed to perform for you.

Is there anything else in your life that could be causing this?

How long have you been married? Did she become more remote sexually before or after the first time you had intercourse?

She may be unconsciously mimicking how she saw her parents relationship. If her parents hid or just weren't affectionate to each other where their children could see, she may on a deeper level think that is the way marriage is supposed to be. She may not even understand what is going on.

You say that you have talked about this many times. Have you discussed it with each other or have you told her how you feel and what you need without finding out what she needs or wants? To work on the issues, you both have to speak and listen. Is she comfortable saying what she needs or what her concerns are?

I see this as less about sex and more about other issues in the relationship.

Is she worried about finances, employment, parents, some other issue?

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

Questions:
1). What are you using for Birth Control? Is it condoms? Hormonal? Pulling out?

If you are using Hormonal Birth Control, than that might be the culpruite. Low sex drive is a side effect of many hormonal birth control. IE, the pill.

2). If you're not using birth control, are you trying for children? Are you wanting children at this point?

If you're not using birth control, than she might be too concerned with getting pregnant to appreciate or desire sex.

3). Is there any sort of stress in her life right now? How is she taking to Married life? Is her job stressful? Is her job plus your expectations of her around the home leaving her stressed/tired?

Within the first month or so of living together your domestic roles are usually defined. Who does the cooking, cleaning, fixing, and the like. It could be that along side her job (if she has one) and her domestic chores, she is just too tired or stressed to perform for you.

Is there anything else in your life that could be causing this?

YOu might be right here. We have been using pill from the onset. She was on the pill about a week before marriage and that is also before our first love making. But we have stopped using any birth control form for a year now. We now want a child.

[QUOTE=Cat1864;2333115]How long have you been married? Did she become more remote sexually before or after the first time you had intercourse?

For 21 months now. Before even our first interc

You say that you have talked about this many times. Have you discussed it with each other or have you told her how you feel and what you need without finding out what she needs or wants?

We talk and discuss with the intention of finding the problem but we seem not to figure out where the problem might be. We discuss as adults and with an open mind. I think we are both looking for a solution on this issue we just have not found it yet. Thank you for your advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I see this as less about sex and more about other issues in the relationship.

Is she worried about finances, employment, parents, some other issue?

I do not know. We tried to search for any possibility of anything of concern but we still have not figured out.

I think she needs to rule out any physical causes. That means talking to her doctor and probably having her hormone levels checked. After physical concerns have been ruled out, turn to psychological.

She may have a deep subconscious fear of getting pregnant. Even women who want to have a child can still be scared of becoming pregnant and childbirth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matata

YOu might be right here. We have been using pill from the onset. She was on the pill about a week before marriage and that is also before our first love making. But we have stopped using any birth control form for a year now. We now want a child.

Maybe it's you who wants a child, not her - that might explain "things."

THey have been married 21 months... the Honeymoon of the first year is past.. and they are into the pushing and shoving period about who controls what period of the next couple years.

I think this is less about sex than it is about control. Or other issues about who is in charge of what...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matata

YOu might be right here. We have been using pill from the onset. She was on the pill about a week before marriage and that is also before our first love making. But we have stopped using any birth control form for a year now. We now want a child.

My experiences with hormonal Birth control have been relatively positive, in so much that the woman taking it didn't because pregnant. After about a year it was more Birth Control through Attrition; rather it had killed their libido to a point where they didn't want to have sex.

Considering the situation. Consult a doctor. See if you can get a referral to a OBY/GYN. Make sure everything is working right and make sure that the hormone levels are right.

You talk with your mate, good on you. The question remains, how stressed is she? How tired is she? Those are the other two big libido killers.

Let us know how it goes! We're rooting for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matata

Ever since we marry she is now less interested in sex. From the first day of marriage she is just not there even her kissing changed for the worst. she hardly becomes wet and does not participate fully during sex.

[QUOTE=Matata;2335455]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

How long have you been married? Did she become more remote sexually before or after the first time you had intercourse?

For 21 months now. Before even our first interc

This problem has been going on for their entire marriage.

I am again going to suggest ruling out physical problems. After they are ruled out, look into counseling.

Maybe try holding back a little bit and see if she wants to come to you. Sometimes as a woman - I feel inundated by mens sexual passes and it becomes a turn off. Sometimes the expectations of sex can be a block towards becoming sexual. It seems more like a chore than a pleasure. I would suggest giving lots of touch that is not geared towards having sex or having children. Just geared towards being with her and loving her. Sometimes this can open up into more. But you can't mix in expecting anything from it. Just take it easy and enjoy the sensuality of different types of touch and different types of sensuality within a relationship. Also sometimes the act of seduction can be a huge turn on for women- and if they never get the chance because their guys are always making passes - then that cuts out something that can be a lot of fun for women.

For men it takes very little physiologically to get an erection and to get in the mood. For women it is different. They need more of a lot of things. Hormones, the pelvic floor warmed up etc, surroundings, emotional connection.. etc. And remember biology. Men have to always be turned on easily so that they never miss their chances when the females finally are in the mood. If both sexes were only in the mood on a certain cycle- there would be a lot less chance of species survival. Just think of elk and moose and how when the males approach the females - sometimes the females kick and fight them off. Sometimes they are right and ready to go.

In the beginning of a relationship it is easier to get in the mood because your hormones are flying around and things are overall exciting. Once you are past that things change - and not for the worse, but they need to be explored. Some people get really scared when the initial hormonal attraction is gone because that is what our society revolves around. That initial attraction. It is seen in movies, books, romance novels, everywhere. So once it is gone - people are left facing their actual sexuality and that can be a scary thing. But - luckily once you are past the admitting you are at that stage - getting to know your sexuality can be quite fun and adventurous.

Depending on her background with her family or religious beliefs there is a common 'mem' that women are pure and not sexual. It is a hard thing to realize that women are allowed to be completely erotic and sensual and pure at the same time because traditionally in many religions we have been exposed to the role of a selfless virgin or a dirty whore- which can reap many things on a woman's sexual psyche.

Sometimes people also having certain times of the month and times of the day that they are most sexually active. Try asking her what sorts of times she feels the most active.

I'm in the same boat. I tried to talk to my wife today about family interactions, love, affection etc. Her family was kind, thoughtful but physical affection was non-existent. Might explain why she never pursues to touch or be physical with me.

7+ years of up and down frustration. Check out my post for my full story if you're interested.