Originally Posted by kp2171
if i want to get my partner off, and i have no restraints on time or schedules... meaning not rushing to work after, not trying to sneak something in while the kids asleep, etc... this is what works best for her...
shell take a long hot shower to warm her body and relax. whatever room we are going to be in should be warm and comfortable... this can be by the fireplace, this can be in the bedroom with the space heater running while shes in the shower. i want her naked and not hiding under covers to stay warm.
after the hot shower we might kiss and pet some. i like a lot more kissing than she does, so i tend to move on sooner. using either massage oil or even body lotion ill work her body from head to toe... or sometimes from toes to head. if he doesnt know how to give a good massage, get a few books. a little reading goes a long way. there are tons of books out there that can get him, and you started. tied into that, there are also good books that talk about sensual touching, which helps you build up tension and connect through skin on skin.
a key element is to take time. guys rush things... ive done it and i still do if im not thinking. that said, time of day can be important... if i massage her at 10pm at night, she might nearly be asleep by the time im done. earlier in the day and she can think about how it feels to have my fingertips trace her, and tie that into sexual energy... not just relaxation.
after that, theres more kissing and i work with my mouth and fingers from her neck, slowly down her chest, her abs, her hips, inner thighs, and then ill go down on her. if you havent read "she comes first" do it. im getting tired of recommending it in nearly every post, but its a great way to learn about your own body. not to mention it changed a few things ive been doing, for the better.
mkay...so oral on her to completion or close to it. personally, to completion is great. intercourse after.
with intercourse, yes you need to explore different positions. woman on top, going through a "rowing" motion instead of up and down can change sensations, not to mention you can cause friction by pressing down your pelvis, getting pressure at the mons pubis and your cl!toris.
but even if you prefer other positions, such as him on top, do you self stimulate during sex? if hes uspet about your not having an orgasm, he might not want you to do this, but thats too bad. one lover i had got off almost all the time with me on top if she or i fingerstimulated her cl!toris. without that, it was much, much less likely.
if he gripes, show him the anatomy... your cl!toris is at a lousy position compared to where the action is with penetration... not to mention different women like different stimuli. hard pressure. soft touches. near thrashing. light glances. its just not as simple as saying once he is in you, you are going to get the right pressure. if hes unwilling to recognize this anatomical setup, hes probably just not going to be willing to help you the way you need him to.
also multiple stimuli at different times can keep your body guessing. for ex, my partner likes my hands on her breasts early on, but wants my mouth on her in the late stages. fingers drawn across her a$$ or thumbs pressed against the inside of her thighs if shes on top changed it. hands gently around her neck or her finger in my mouth on my tongue, sucking can push her over the top when she needs that boost.
all that said... it doesnt always go perfectly.
if i had a gun to my head and was told to get her off or else, oral is the way id go. intercourse, with all the above setups, can get her there, but not always. sometimes her mind isnt completely free. sometimes it feels great for her, but she doesnt get over the top. so... i dont want to make it sound like i know the ultimate answers in bed.
i know what works for her most of the time... and we got there through experience, effort, failure, communication, and an honest enjoyment of sex. if its all about the big "O" and you dont reach it, suddenly a wonderful act is a perceived failure. but still... thats not to say pursuit of that orgasm is something you should give up.
all you guys need is a few "wins"... if self stim got you off while hes in you, im guessing hed be more happy you got off than upset. i personally think its sexy when my partner does... i never think that shes compensating for some failure of mine...
so... get your mind in the right place. get your body the right stimulation. get your bf to be patient and willing to explore. educate yourself by reading books on sex and sensuality. its all worth the effort. just be patient and be willing to fail a little to get where you need to be.