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    Scarlett111's Avatar
    Scarlett111 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 29, 2018, 07:27 PM
    Story sound good?
    I already asked you all if my story was good, but I showed you one part of it. Here's another part of it:
    We kept driving and driving. We passed the church that Emily said we had heard. We were staying there, but it was overrun by the Dead. We did like ten lefts and rights. We drove straight for about an hour. We turned right into a huge parking lot. We all got out. Someone said it was about four in the morning. We all stretched a little. I looked around and saw a huge building right in front of me. A big church. "We will stay here for a couple of days," said Dalia. She was standing behind me. I turned around to look at her. "I left everything behind. My parents. I'm really far away from them and Johnny. And Mrs. Julie. And my packing bag," I told her. She smiled and said, "Not that." She turned around and grabbed a big bag. She threw it in front of me. "My packing bag. Thanks." "Yeah. No problem." The other cars were just finishing unloading. I noticed Joseph looking around for someone. Ethan got out behind him. "Ethan! Joseph!" I yelled. They both saw me and ran toward me. Ethan gave me a big hug. "Oh, I thought something had happened to you!" he said. "I'm fine." He let me go and then Joseph hugged me. "I love you so much," he said. "Me too." The funny thing was that we weren't even dating. Not yet at least. Ethan and I walked in front of everyone as leaders. Sonya, Jose, and Joseph behind us, then the others. We entered that church and it still smelled fresh. "Not bad smelling," said Sonya. We each separated and went into different rooms to check them out. We told everyone to sit down on the benches for right now. When we checked every room. Jose started working on his job. The counting. I helped him with it. I went around counting each room we could use as bedrooms. There were five rooms. Jose went deeply into the church and found bathrooms and three showers in each. We both went on to count the people. We counted fifteen people. Including us. We lost so many back there again. I looked around for people I knew. Sarah was still here. Diana was still here. So was nurse Smith. Everyone was here, except Emily now. Ethan made a small gathering telling everyone that we lost many. He said that some of them probably ran away and hid. We just left them behind, but that they're safe. He said that it's too dangerous to go back. Everyone agreed on having to move on and keep fighting. I told him about Emily and how we had to talk to Elijah about it. "We will tell him tomorrow morning," he said. "Why not right now?" I asked him. "Because it's late. I'm tired. He's tired. Everyone's tired." Right then, Elijah walked in. "Was Emily in any of those cars?" he asked. "Can't you knock first?" asked Jose. "I'm sorry, but I'm looking for my sister here." I looked at Ethan. "Fine," he said. He walked toward Elijah. "Elijah...I'm sorry, but, she didn't make it. Krist tried to help, but it was late by then," he said. "No," said Elijah. "No...no. This can't be. No." He fell to his knees and cried. "I'm really sorry, Elijah," said Sonya. I didn't know what I felt. I felt nothing. I looked at Elijah and then at Ethan. "I'm going to sleep now. Let's go Joseph." I walked out of the room. I noticed that Joseph and Ethan exchanged looks. Joseph followed me. "What was that?" he asked me. I stopped and without looking at him, I asked. "What?" I walked in front of me and faced me. "Back there? You didn't say sorry or anything, but yet, you tried to help." I looked at him in the eye. "I did what I could. I tried to save her. She didn't want to come with me. I gave her my hand. She didn't want to. Plus, she kept yelling at me to go. I wanted to save her and I was. But she didn't do anything." I looked down. "Hey," he said. I looked at him. "This may not be a good time but...do you want to be my girlfriend?" I looked at him shocked. "First, of all," I said. "This really isn't a good time. Second, of all, I'm tired let's go to sleep." I past him and kept walking. I stopped and turned around. "Third, of all, yes I do."
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,828, Reputation: 5427
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    #2

    Nov 29, 2018, 07:39 PM
    Sounds good, but here's what's wrong. The sentences are too short and choppy. It needs to be put into paragraphs. For instance, each speaker should get a new paragraph. Church benches are called pews. It needs serious proofreading, such as "We passed the church that Emily said we had heard."

    Do you belong to a RL or online writing group? Members critique and proofread each other's stories.
    Scarlett111's Avatar
    Scarlett111 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 30, 2018, 06:49 PM
    Okay, thank you. I will change that.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,828, Reputation: 5427
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    #4

    Nov 30, 2018, 07:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlett111 View Post
    Okay, thank you. I will change that.
    Please post it here again so we can see your progress!

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