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    PDonnelly's Avatar
    PDonnelly Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 12, 2015, 11:20 AM
    Is this scene appropriate to include in a story?
    When he got to school , Peter was feeling quite elated. He was glad Rachel had noticed his trousers and cap, and had called him Mr. ' in response to his greeting. It had made him feel grown up, as he wanted to look. At his locker he met his two friends, Frederick and George.
    . 'Look at Peter all dressed up,' said Frederick. Like the cap.'
    Thanks,' said Peter.
    'And grey trousers,' George remarked.
    . 'You're allowed,' Peter replied as he took off his cap and put it away with his bag.
    . 'Are you going somewhere?' asked Frederick.
    'You know where I'm going,' said Peter, and they all laughed as they headed for the toilets.
    . They usually congregated around the urinals at this time of day. This morning however Peter walked past them, heading for the cubicles. Both his friends it seemed, were today doing the same. There were only three in the block, and luckily all free.Peter had hoped for one on the end but the other two got there first and he had to take the one in the middle. At least it was clean, he thought as he shut the door and put the seat down. As he unfastened his belt Frederick, already sitting on the toilet said, 'So are you trying to impress Rachel Pearson then?'
    . 'What do you mean?' Peter asked as he sat down. He had hoped for some peace but saw that was unlikely.
    . 'Your new clothes,' said. George.
    . Before he could reply Peter let out a loud fart which lasted several seconds and c caused the other two boys to laugh.
    . 'I might be,' he said, and farted again.
    . 'Wait till we tell her,' teased Frederick.
    . 'Tell her what?' Asked Peter.
    . 'The way you fart when you're on the bog,' said George.
    . 'Shut up,' said. Peter and they all laughed. Then they pooed in silence.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #2

    Nov 12, 2015, 11:42 AM
    Who is the audience reading this? Why go for toilet humor? Can't they have this conversation in the cafeteria or playground without the farting?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #3

    Nov 12, 2015, 01:28 PM
    10 year old boys might think it's funny.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #4

    Nov 12, 2015, 01:40 PM
    True!
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #5

    Nov 12, 2015, 02:17 PM
    Personally, I find it vulgar. But, I'm not a boy, and I'm not 10 years old.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #6

    Nov 12, 2015, 03:33 PM
    P, if you are going to keep asking questions about your writing, then we need to know who your audience is and what reaction you are trying to evoke.

    If this is for a class, you might consult your teacher who would know what the assignment covers and can give guidance based on what he/she is looking for.

    If this is for your self, decide who your target audience is. Write your story as though you are sitting down telling them the story. Would this catch their attention? Would it cause them to want to hear more?

    To me, this doesn't seem realistic and seems like it is written to gross out the audience instead of add to the plot development.

    A last thought, if you are male, do you stand in front of the urinals and hang out with your mates? If you are female, is that what you really think males do? Would you want to read about it if they did?

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