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    cal823's Avatar
    cal823 Posts: 867, Reputation: 116
    Senior Member
    		  
    #1

    Jun 2, 2007, 04:32 AM
    Is my poem good? Any improvements you can think of?
    Silas

    The sun only shines on the other side
    of the world
    you know you love me. i know you hate me.
    Tell me your secrets. Ill tell you my lies.
    Take me home, so i can die.
    Love Me
    Hate Me
    Heal Me
    Hurt Me
    Love Me
    Kill Me
    Rape Me
    My failure, My love you despise
    We're all decaying, dying since painful birth.

    This is a poem I wrote the other day, its pretty much a bunch of stuff that I had written on my hand while bored in maths, and some stuff that's been on my mind.
    You think its any good? Any way I can improve it? Anything else I could do with it?
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
    		  
    #2

    Jun 2, 2007, 06:49 AM
    It's sad, but I really like your insightfullness on the last line. :)
    xiaocake's Avatar
    xiaocake Posts: 56, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
    		  
    #3

    Jun 2, 2007, 06:53 PM
    I think you have potential on poems. Keep on writing:)
    Megg's Avatar
    Megg Posts: 421, Reputation: 53
    Full Member
    		  
    #4

    Jun 2, 2007, 07:02 PM
    You have good words. Lack in rhythm. Try to write a smaller poem. I can't understand this one, its kind of all over the place, doesn't flow or make sense. BUT I think given time and effort you could write nice stuff at some point, if you try. Poetry isn't something that comes from tyring hard. It's a natural gift. I wrote poetry while I was in school. I have a book full. Beautiful way to express ones self.
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