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    lordstannis's Avatar
    lordstannis Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 10, 2015, 11:56 AM
    Flash Fiction Story?
    Okay, so I've never written before and I have a creative writing class and I have to write a flash fiction story. If you guys could give me some feedback on how to improve it or suggestions on things to change I would greatly appreciate it, thanks!


    I know sheís in there, I know it. Doing things people like her do to make themselves feel better. Its 3:56, its dark and I just popped a few pills. I donít know what they were, they always have weird names and taste like chalk. I washed it down with the whiskey I just bought, but I donít even like whiskey. The pills are for my anxiety and anger, they say, but they donít really do anything, which is why I take so many. That and because she says I should. I got the pills from my psychiatrist, who always judges me. I know she does, she says she doesnít, but I know she does. She talks about me to her friends, cause thatís all she has, sheís alone too. I think it makes her feel better about her life, but still not happy with it. I heard her talking about me one time when I was spying on her, I do that sometimes. I should just go home, but I canít, I have to do this. She has to know I donít like what sheís doing. My psychiatrist says I need to go through with things and that I shouldnít always second guess myself. This time Iím doing it, like she told me to. I walk up to her door and creep in slowly, she screams when she sees me, they always do that. I should have been quieter, I knew she was sound asleep. I was too loud this time, shouldnít have kept drinking that nasty brown stuff. She keeps asking me who I am, scratching me and biting me, like sheís crazy. She acts like she doesnít recognize me, probably because itís dark. Iím probably going to regret this tomorrow, I always second guess myself. She told me to do it though so itís not all my fault.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
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    #2

    Oct 10, 2015, 12:46 PM
    Well, there are a few grammar mistakes and comma splices galore. And the psychiatrist sounds out of character. Are you satisfied with it? If I mess around with it, you won't learn anything. The basic premise is good.
    lordstannis's Avatar
    lordstannis Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 11, 2015, 11:59 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Well, there are a few grammar mistakes and comma splices galore. And the psychiatrist sounds out of character. Are you satisfied with it? If I mess around with it, you won't learn anything. The basic premise is good.
    I fixed the comma splices and grammar. Didn't realize I had so many. Any other suggestions?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
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    #4

    Oct 11, 2015, 12:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lordstannis View Post
    I fixed the comma splices and grammar. Didn't realize I had so many. Any other suggestions?
    Ummmm, let's try this partial edit [inside the brackets are my changes] --

    I know she's in there [--] I know it[, d]oing things people like her do to make themselves feel better. [It's] 3:56 a.m., [still] dark. and I just popped a few pills. I don't know what they were [(they always have weird names and taste like chalk).] I washed [them] down with the whiskey I just bought, but I don't even like whiskey. The pills are for my anxiety and anger, [she said], but they don't really do anything, which is why I take so many. That and because she says I should.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Oct 11, 2015, 12:37 PM
    I can't tell if the woman you are breaking in on at 3 am is your psychiatrist or not. If she is, and you aren't deliberately trying to confuse the reader, don't say 'my psychiatrist' the second time.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
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    #6

    Oct 11, 2015, 12:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    I can't tell if the woman you are breaking in on at 3 am is your psychiatrist or not. If she is, and you aren't deliberately trying to confuse the reader, don't say 'my psychiatrist' the second time.
    Not sure if he's breaking in then or at some other time. And breaking in at her office or her house? The psychiatrist part definitely needs help.
    lordstannis's Avatar
    lordstannis Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 12, 2015, 06:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    I can't tell if the woman you are breaking in on at 3 am is your psychiatrist or not. If she is, and you aren't deliberately trying to confuse the reader, don't say 'my psychiatrist' the second time.
    Okay, so take that out. And it will flow better?
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Not sure if he's breaking in then or at some other time. And breaking in at her office or her house? The psychiatrist part definitely needs help.
    It's 3:56. Should I point out it's her house? Is it cause he just walked up to the door? I'm working on it, but it's tricky.

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